Rambler2014
Junior Member
This got long, I’m sorry. I have a custody issue and I’m wondering what types of behavior are frowned upon in custody court and also what type of custody could my husband get….
We live in texas, have been married eight years and living together for ten.
Things got weird when we had our first baby and we sought counseling and medication for my husband’s erratic behavior and hostility and paranoia. He has never managed his symptoms and currently refuses his medication. Some weeks you wouldn’t know he has an issue, other weeks he spends three hours a day in the shower because he HAS to and he sleeps maybe that long at night.
Now, he’s started telling me that he will take our two kids (toddler, breast feeding infant) from me. He does this periodically and either I leave or he barricades himself in the master bedroom for weeks and acts like we aren't there. If it’s like all the other times, he will calm down on his own, stop the threats and accusations, and say he misses us. I am unwilling to bring up my children in this marriage, I'm not going back, I am just afraid of the custody part so I have not filed for divorce.
His situation:
His paranoia is always the same – some small thing plants the seed that I’m having an affair. You don’t take your backpack to school -> you must not be going to school -> you’re sleeping with another man -> these children aren’t mine -> get out -> come back -> if you don’t, I’m taking MY kids -> you don’t deserve to have them, or anything, you’re worthless etc. Over and over. He says he makes more money, I’m immoral, and that if our kids live with me they will be in a toxic environment so legally he can take them.
He makes more money:
True. He works three jobs from 8am to 7 (sometimes 11)pm. He did this so that I could stay home with the kids. He also goes to school for a PhD.
We both worked part time and went to college part time when our daughter was born. I went back to work after three months. We tried to avoid daycare but after a few shifts of alternating caring for her, I realized he couldn’t do it or refused to. He was never alone with her after that. She’s almost two and will not go to him. He does not hold him or volunteer anything if our infant son cries. He just supports us.
I’m immoral and he isn’t:
My husband does a lot of charity work and, among other things, is a TEACHER. He is good with kids – autonomous kids that he can direct or discipline. He's warm and kind and patient. He sits on committees and has many people who love him and can speak to his character. He is actually a good person, he just cannot function all the time and apparently dealing with his own preverbal kids causes anxiety that becomes unsafe.
The job I quit to be a SAHM was in retail…. a sex toy store. Yeah, I sold porn. And vibrators. A legal business, no sex work on the side at all.
Neither he nor I do/have done/have any legal history of drug or alcohol consumption, nevermind abuse.
My family:
This is the “toxic” environment, more based on the grounds that I would live with them. I wouldn’t. My dad is an ex con (grand theft) and my mom an alcoholic. They also hoard animals and have 30+ dogs IN their home. You can imagine the state of their place. My children have never been inside that house. We meet at the mall to visit, in a safe and controlled environment.
My situation:
I got a job two weeks ago. I work weekends, 12 hour shifts as a case manager, and have daycare for that time and my cousin, who I live with, as backup. I will bring in 1500 a month part time.
I’ve applied for assisted housing but that could take 90 days I’m told. I live with a cousin that does NOT have 30 dogs in her house. No pets.
I also go to school in a masters program entirely online through a local college. I have loan money that would be enough for my bills aside from monthly income but I don’t know if the court looks at this. I am without a car right now because all three of our vehicles are in my husband's name and he says he will report them stolen if I take one. We do not have the same last name and I don't have a copy of our marriage certificate or anything.
Why I am concerned:
I am concerned about him taking my kids but I’m also even concerned about visitation. He needs none or supervised, in my opinion.
He doesn’t respond to our children’s needs: In those early weeks, I would come home from work and our infant daughter would be alone in the living room floor, soaked with urine or feces. “She doesn’t indicate she needs a diaper change,” was his reasoning. Or he would text me furiously all shift about how our child hated him, did nothing but cry, saying “I’m not starting a precedent of holding her all the time”. I premade all the food, I left detailed instructions, I called frequently to check in. I quit my job of three years after three weekend shifts, realizing that no coaching was effective. One time I came home from running to the store and found him watching her but he’d put her in a corner before she was even able to sit up on her own for “spitting” on him. "She needed to learn it was wrong."
I tried to get him used to parenting tasks in my presence… only a few times. He would start dressing our daughter, or feeding her, but couldn’t handle any variation other than her doing exactly as he said – but she was a few months old and obviously was unable!!!! He would resort to verbal abuse (like saying “stay still, mother****er!” or "you do it, this little bitch is pissing me off!!") and getting agitated. At the first sign, I took over.
The same cousin I live with now came to live with us for 8 months so that I could get some help. My husband never attempted to help with our daughter after we had her help and I didn’t ask. I didn’t even attempt to involve him with our youngest child.
Until we separated, I had both children with me at all times and provided all care whether or not he was at home. If I EVER had a situation where I needed to do something alone, I would do it after my daughter’s bedtime because she slept through the night. I have not done this since our son was born because he doesn't.
He was/has never been violent with them or me. He has been very vigilant about babyproofing our home and any setting we visit. He’s diligent about installing car seats and thoroughly inspecting any daycare or any potential caregiver. He could prepare healthy, balanced meals for the children at the right consistency for their age and ability to chew. His negligence is restricted more or less to emotional instability that he refuses to seek help for.
I have screen shots of those nasty early text messages (I’m not taking care of her, she hates me – this is your job, not mine etc) as well as arguments on social media that became threats of him taking the children away forever, saying I deserve nothing we own together, I belong on the street etc. We also jointly saw a therapist who referred us for more screening and put him on medication – she suspected he was bipolar – but he refused to follow up. When he’s in this state of mind he also enjoys withholding my kids from my family. When our daughter was born, no one was allowed in the hospital, and when they visited us at home he held the baby. “They came to see her, no one said anything about touching her.” My family has witnessed the withholding behavior but other than my cousin who lived with us, no one saw the barricading or the hostility in dealing with the kids and he probably will not admit it.
Does any of this have anything to do with anything? What can I expect? What are the problem areas?
We live in texas, have been married eight years and living together for ten.
Things got weird when we had our first baby and we sought counseling and medication for my husband’s erratic behavior and hostility and paranoia. He has never managed his symptoms and currently refuses his medication. Some weeks you wouldn’t know he has an issue, other weeks he spends three hours a day in the shower because he HAS to and he sleeps maybe that long at night.
Now, he’s started telling me that he will take our two kids (toddler, breast feeding infant) from me. He does this periodically and either I leave or he barricades himself in the master bedroom for weeks and acts like we aren't there. If it’s like all the other times, he will calm down on his own, stop the threats and accusations, and say he misses us. I am unwilling to bring up my children in this marriage, I'm not going back, I am just afraid of the custody part so I have not filed for divorce.
His situation:
His paranoia is always the same – some small thing plants the seed that I’m having an affair. You don’t take your backpack to school -> you must not be going to school -> you’re sleeping with another man -> these children aren’t mine -> get out -> come back -> if you don’t, I’m taking MY kids -> you don’t deserve to have them, or anything, you’re worthless etc. Over and over. He says he makes more money, I’m immoral, and that if our kids live with me they will be in a toxic environment so legally he can take them.
He makes more money:
True. He works three jobs from 8am to 7 (sometimes 11)pm. He did this so that I could stay home with the kids. He also goes to school for a PhD.
We both worked part time and went to college part time when our daughter was born. I went back to work after three months. We tried to avoid daycare but after a few shifts of alternating caring for her, I realized he couldn’t do it or refused to. He was never alone with her after that. She’s almost two and will not go to him. He does not hold him or volunteer anything if our infant son cries. He just supports us.
I’m immoral and he isn’t:
My husband does a lot of charity work and, among other things, is a TEACHER. He is good with kids – autonomous kids that he can direct or discipline. He's warm and kind and patient. He sits on committees and has many people who love him and can speak to his character. He is actually a good person, he just cannot function all the time and apparently dealing with his own preverbal kids causes anxiety that becomes unsafe.
The job I quit to be a SAHM was in retail…. a sex toy store. Yeah, I sold porn. And vibrators. A legal business, no sex work on the side at all.
Neither he nor I do/have done/have any legal history of drug or alcohol consumption, nevermind abuse.
My family:
This is the “toxic” environment, more based on the grounds that I would live with them. I wouldn’t. My dad is an ex con (grand theft) and my mom an alcoholic. They also hoard animals and have 30+ dogs IN their home. You can imagine the state of their place. My children have never been inside that house. We meet at the mall to visit, in a safe and controlled environment.
My situation:
I got a job two weeks ago. I work weekends, 12 hour shifts as a case manager, and have daycare for that time and my cousin, who I live with, as backup. I will bring in 1500 a month part time.
I’ve applied for assisted housing but that could take 90 days I’m told. I live with a cousin that does NOT have 30 dogs in her house. No pets.
I also go to school in a masters program entirely online through a local college. I have loan money that would be enough for my bills aside from monthly income but I don’t know if the court looks at this. I am without a car right now because all three of our vehicles are in my husband's name and he says he will report them stolen if I take one. We do not have the same last name and I don't have a copy of our marriage certificate or anything.
Why I am concerned:
I am concerned about him taking my kids but I’m also even concerned about visitation. He needs none or supervised, in my opinion.
He doesn’t respond to our children’s needs: In those early weeks, I would come home from work and our infant daughter would be alone in the living room floor, soaked with urine or feces. “She doesn’t indicate she needs a diaper change,” was his reasoning. Or he would text me furiously all shift about how our child hated him, did nothing but cry, saying “I’m not starting a precedent of holding her all the time”. I premade all the food, I left detailed instructions, I called frequently to check in. I quit my job of three years after three weekend shifts, realizing that no coaching was effective. One time I came home from running to the store and found him watching her but he’d put her in a corner before she was even able to sit up on her own for “spitting” on him. "She needed to learn it was wrong."
I tried to get him used to parenting tasks in my presence… only a few times. He would start dressing our daughter, or feeding her, but couldn’t handle any variation other than her doing exactly as he said – but she was a few months old and obviously was unable!!!! He would resort to verbal abuse (like saying “stay still, mother****er!” or "you do it, this little bitch is pissing me off!!") and getting agitated. At the first sign, I took over.
The same cousin I live with now came to live with us for 8 months so that I could get some help. My husband never attempted to help with our daughter after we had her help and I didn’t ask. I didn’t even attempt to involve him with our youngest child.
Until we separated, I had both children with me at all times and provided all care whether or not he was at home. If I EVER had a situation where I needed to do something alone, I would do it after my daughter’s bedtime because she slept through the night. I have not done this since our son was born because he doesn't.
He was/has never been violent with them or me. He has been very vigilant about babyproofing our home and any setting we visit. He’s diligent about installing car seats and thoroughly inspecting any daycare or any potential caregiver. He could prepare healthy, balanced meals for the children at the right consistency for their age and ability to chew. His negligence is restricted more or less to emotional instability that he refuses to seek help for.
I have screen shots of those nasty early text messages (I’m not taking care of her, she hates me – this is your job, not mine etc) as well as arguments on social media that became threats of him taking the children away forever, saying I deserve nothing we own together, I belong on the street etc. We also jointly saw a therapist who referred us for more screening and put him on medication – she suspected he was bipolar – but he refused to follow up. When he’s in this state of mind he also enjoys withholding my kids from my family. When our daughter was born, no one was allowed in the hospital, and when they visited us at home he held the baby. “They came to see her, no one said anything about touching her.” My family has witnessed the withholding behavior but other than my cousin who lived with us, no one saw the barricading or the hostility in dealing with the kids and he probably will not admit it.
Does any of this have anything to do with anything? What can I expect? What are the problem areas?
