Change in mothers work schedule

[gdjk13]

What is the name of your state? North Carolina
My fiance and his exwife's child custody agreement is that we get her every other weekend. Problem has occurred though whereby the step mother is working a 3rd shift job and her new husband is out of town. My fiance is also out of town, but the exwife expects me to come to her house every night of the school week and pick up the child and then take her to school which is closer to her than us, and then continue to get the same amount of child support she has always gotten in the past. We have tried to explain to her that is uprooting the child and giving the child no stability what so ever but she is willing to put the child through anything in order to get the money she wants. We have threatened to go for full custody, but what do we do in the mean time. She doesn't even know how long she will have this work schedule, the company she works for has been bought out. What is legally right and what is not? Basically she wants someone else to raise her child but get paid for it. Also she has another child with another man she was not even married to and is doing the same thing with that child, when that child is 12 and told her she did not want to stay with her father. I am desperate for some help.

 

[stealth2]

What is the name of your state? North Carolina
My fiance and his exwife's child custody agreement is that we get her every other weekend. Problem has occurred though whereby the step mother is working a 3rd shift job and her new husband is out of town.

>> I assume you mean that the child's mother is working 3rd shift?

My fiance is also out of town, but the exwife expects me to come to her house every night of the school week and pick up the child and then take her to school which is closer to her than us, and then continue to get the same amount of child support she has always gotten in the past.

>> You aren't obligated to do this. Sounds as though Dad needs to consider filing for a modification.

We have threatened to go for full custody, but what do we do in the mean time. She doesn't even know how long she will have this work schedule, the company she works for has been bought out.

>> Well, for starters, there is no "we" at this point. You are, like it or not, a legal stranger. I realize you're not going to like hearing that, but that's how it is - legally. This is something that Dad needs to deal with. He will likely find that this is not an issue a judge will change custody over, especially if this is a temporary schedule.

What is legally right and what is not? Basically she wants someone else to raise her child but get paid for it.

>> Her argument is likely going to be that she has to work to help support her child. In many families today both parents work. An alternative solution would be for her to hire someone to stay with the child while she works - and Dad will likely have to pay a portion of that, on top of the child support.

Also she has another child with another man she was not even married to and is doing the same thing with that child, when that child is 12 and told her she did not want to stay with her father.

>> This is probably moot. Children don't get to choose who they want to stay with. Again, the mother is working and needs a caregiver for the child. This child's father is available to watch her, so that is a reasonable solution.

Again - YOU have no obligation here. The parents - your fiance and his ex - are the ones who need to sort this out. If they can't, then they need to likely have the courts sort it out for them.

 

[gdjk13]

How does my fiance go about the modification? We have suggested them getting someone to stay in their house with the children but her new husband refuses.

 

[tammy8]

Why dont' you want the child with you at night?

 

[gdjk13]

I have no problem with her staying with me at night. Her father would no be there because he is working out of town. I do have a problem with taking on all the responsibilty of raising the child and the transportation back and forth and the mother doing nothing except getting paid the childsupport.

 

[stealth2]

The mother certainly has the option of quitting her job to make sure the child has adequate child care at night.

If Dad (DAD, not YOU) has a problem, he can file for a modification with the relevant court.

 

[gdjk13]

We have told her she needs to do that in order to give not only my fiance's little girl stability but also the ex wife's other child from another relationship. But she is willing to stick it out with her job and doesn't even know how long she will be on 3rd or have a job, with the company being bought out.

 

[nextwife]

Can you at least try for ALTERNATING drop-off/pick-up. She's, in essence, using you for child care. If she had other child care, she'd be doing the pick-up and drop off. Can she meet half way or do drop off only or something?"

 

[skyy]

Your fiance is going to have a major problem going for full custody if his future wife shows no interest in wanting to watch the child while he's not home. You're suggesting the biomom get a baby-sitter to watch their child versus letting the child stay with the mother during the day and the father, or at least his home where she has a good chance of talking to him when he calls, at night. That really doesn't make sense. It appears your main concern is child support, and that should be the least of anyone's concerns. I can take this stand as a stepmother who watched step- and biological children for 14 MONTHS while dad was "out of town" on deployment.

Before you press the issue of trying to get mom to do a better job and condemn her for not wanting the child in her home at night, I would suggest you rethink your motives and how much you love your fiance and his family. She is holding up her part by working, offering dad first opportunity to watch/spend time with their daughter, plus her husband's out of town (who would probably be her normal sitter). What do you expect her to do? If her husband comes home and watches the child, she's still not home. Is it going to be a problem that he's got the child home with him and she's still getting child support?

 

[haiku]

I have to agree here, the woman has to support her share of the childrens welfare. Sometimes we have to work the jobs we have to work. And our kids have to have a sitter.

I for one wish my husbands ex would let us watch the kids more often than she does, I think it is nicer to stay with family.

As a step parent, you are not obligated to your step kids to be the "babysitter" but, then don't turn around and say you would rather they just live with you, to save a buck either. (it likely would not work out that way anyway..)

So to me this about either accepting the fact that both parents here have screwy schedules and you, or someone on her side get to babysit, or sit your husband down and say you feel someone else should be babysitting. And also I would use nextwifes suggestion, in all honesty both your fiance and his ex OWE you for the favor you are providing THEM. see if you can't somehow split the burden with the ex in some way.

 

[stealth2]

Let's remember, tho - this is not a step-parent, yet.

 

[gdjk13]

Again, I do not have a problem with having her stay with me at night or all the time, the problem I have is she needs to be with a parent not a babysitter. My fiance has told his ex wife he will quit his job in order to be able to be there for his child but she refuses that also. I am not going to bow down to the exwife though and do whatever she wants, how she wants it and when she wants it. I am trying to do what is best for the child and I resent the fact that someone would think, that the child support is a bigger issue than anything with me. In fact, I even offered to pay the bm more child support in order for her to be able to be there at night with her child/children, she has 2 from 2 different men. and this is happening to both of them.

 

[stealth2]

There's something you're not understanding, hon. You have no standing to offer more, less or no child support. You also really have no standing to be having any negotiating conversations with the mother. You're a girlfriend at this point. Even if you were a stepmother, you're a legal stranger. You HAVE NO STANDING. Zip. Zero. Nada. Dad - your fiance - is the one who needs to be doing the negotiating, discussing, etc. Not you. Sorry.

 

[gdjk13]

I have not had any discussion with the exwife, only with my fiance. And he lives in my house so I feel like I have the right to discuss it with him, after all it will involve me indirectly. When all of this was brought up the exwife did not involve me at all with regards to asking me if I would help since the father is out of town, but yet she expected me to just do it for her. I just feel for the child. And I thank you for all of your advice and would appreciate more if you would like.

 

[stealth2]

Okay, then I misunderstood the way things were phrased - my bad.