+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 18
  1. #1
    Alakardaiel760 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    7

    Child Custody/Possible Palimony Question

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

    I am an unmarried woman with a 17 month daughter with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. My boyfriend/the father is a stay at home dad, and I am the sole bread winner that supports both my child and the father, paying all bills, housing, health insurance, etc... I am extremely unhappy in this relationship and would like to leave. However the thought of potentially not seeing my daughter kills me. I've repeatedly asked for him to get a job, as my parents live 5 minutes away from us and would watch her three days a week as well as I can afford day care at a facility I've already investigated, the other 2 days a week.




    My questions is, what is the chances of me losing custody of my daughter? Also, is there any chance that I would have to pay him any sort of 'palimony' even there is no document/anything that legally binds us.




    I'm not looking to take her away from him. I want to share her with him as much as possible and have already written out a potential child-care plan. However, ideally I would like to seek sole physical custody with lots of visitation, but joint legal custody; again with sharing as much as possible.




    Also, I have a DUI from 2006 which I'm afraid is going to bite me. No history of substance abuse, however this is on my record. I've completed the program and have no further incidences. This was also, well before my daughter was born. I can have letters of reference from people showing upstanding character and no drinking anymore if necessary.




    Please let me know what other details are needed as I greatly appreciate the help.
    Last edited by Alakardaiel760; 06-01-2009 at 05:05 PM. Reason: Sentence fragment corrected...
  2. #2
    Isis1 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    18,151
    you won't be paying palimony.

    you may be however paying child support if dad continues to be the child's primary caretaker.

    and it's very possible being as dad has status quo at the moment.

    as long as the child was not involved in the DUI, it will not impact the custody decision.

    and keep in mind, you won't "lose" custody. you'll be sharing custody. get used to it.
  3. #3
    janM is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Posts
    554
    Isabella - doesn't she have sole custody right now, and could leave with the child anytime?

    They can always sign and submit the agreement to the court, correct?

    Is he even legal dad?
  4. #4
    Isis1 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    18,151
    Quote Originally Posted by janM View Post
    Isabella - doesn't she have sole custody right now, and could leave with the child anytime?

    They can always sign and submit the agreement to the court, correct?

    Is he even legal dad?
    she could leave with the child right now. as well as dad. both have grounds to file for custody.

    anyone can submit an agreement to court as long as the agreement is within the bounds of law.

    OP, is dad's name on the birth certificate?
  5. #5
    Blue Meanie is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    24,141
    Quote Originally Posted by Alakardaiel760 View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

    I am an unmarried woman with a 17 month daughter with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. My boyfriend/the father is a stay at home dad, and I am the sole bread winner that supports both my child and the father, paying all bills, housing, health insurance, etc... I am extremely unhappy in this relationship and would like to leave. However the thought of potentially not seeing my daughter kills me. I've repeatedly asked for him to get a job, as my parents live 5 minutes away from us and would watch her three days a week as well as I can afford day care at a facility I've already investigated, the other 2 days a week.




    My questions is, what is the chances of me losing custody of my daughter? Also, is there any chance that I would have to pay him any sort of 'palimony' even there is no document/anything that legally binds us.




    I'm not looking to take her away from him. I want to share her with him as much as possible and have already written out a potential child-care plan. However, ideally I would like to seek sole physical custody with lots of visitation, but joint legal custody; again with sharing as much as possible.




    Also, I have a DUI from 2006 which I'm afraid is going to bite me. No history of substance abuse, however this is on my record. I've completed the program and have no further incidences. This was also, well before my daughter was born. I can have letters of reference from people showing upstanding character and no drinking anymore if necessary.




    Please let me know what other details are needed as I greatly appreciate the help.
    Is Dad on the birth certificate?
  6. #6
    CJane is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    19,854
    Perhaps you should go ahead and enroll her in child care 2 days/week. That would give HER some socialization that she needs as a toddler, give DAD some (much needed) time off from being Dad all day every day, etc.

    A few things might happen. You might discover you're less unhappy if Dad feels less trapped and put upon and isolated when all he does all day is converse with a toddler and wipe noses/butts. OR Dad might utilize the 2 days per week that Princess is in child care to actually look for a job.

    Right now? You're holding a lot of the property cards as the sole breadwinner. But as primary caregiver, Dad is holding almost ALL the custody cards. And you can forget proving him unfit to have primary custody given the fact that the child is with him all day every day.
  7. #7
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    65,690
    Quote Originally Posted by CJane View Post
    Perhaps you should go ahead and enroll her in child care 2 days/week. That would give HER some socialization that she needs as a toddler, give DAD some (much needed) time off from being Dad all day every day, etc.

    A few things might happen. You might discover you're less unhappy if Dad feels less trapped and put upon and isolated when all he does all day is converse with a toddler and wipe noses/butts. OR Dad might utilize the 2 days per week that Princess is in child care to actually look for a job.

    Right now? You're holding a lot of the property cards as the sole breadwinner. But as primary caregiver, Dad is holding almost ALL the custody cards. And you can forget proving him unfit to have primary custody given the fact that the child is with him all day every day.
    I agree. He has clearly been the child's primary caretaker therefore its very likely that he would get primary custody. Joint legal is virtually a given (joint decision making) and you may end up with something approaching a 50/50 timeshare, but odds are that dad is going to end up with primary custody and you are going to be paying child support.
  8. #8
    Alakardaiel760 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    7
    First, thank you all for the information. This is being very informative and helpful. To address some of the questions, additional "issues" for more background.


    My mother watches her at minimum one day a week currently, and has volunteered to gladly watch her two days a week. If I have my mother watching her 2 days, and in daycare 3 days, does that change the "he has all the custody cards" situation?


    He has no money, job, car, drivers license, health insurance of his own... Will that not be a determining factor in ability to care for the child?


    I have offered on multiple occasions to put her in child care or increase the # of days that my mom watches her in order to give him a break from diapers/runny noses, etc... For not only my happiness but primarily for his. To afford him the opportunity to get out, talk to other adults, get a job, or whatever he wants to do. He did not want day care feeling she didn't need to be with other children yet, and at all of his opportunities to get a job or be social himself he does nothing but sit and play video games. There is no question here; just feedback to the put upon comment. I completely understand what talking to no one but her all day would do to him.


    No the child was not involved in the DUI so I thank you for the information as this is very comforting.


    "Lose custody" to me is defined as him having sole custody with him being able to take her back to Minnesota to live with his family which would be the only way for him to support her. I want to share custody, that is the idea with this.


    If I can get him to agree to a plan of me having sole physical custody with extensive visitation on his part, and 50/50 legal custody, in the presence of the court mediator, is it likely the judge will uphold that?


    Again, thank you as you all are very helpful and it's greatly appreciated.
  9. #9
    Isis1 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    18,151
    what's wrong with having joint physical and joint legal custody?
  10. #10
    CJane is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    19,854
    Quote Originally Posted by Alakardaiel760 View Post

    My mother watches her at minimum one day a week currently, and has volunteered to gladly watch her two days a week. If I have my mother watching her 2 days, and in daycare 3 days, does that change the "he has all the custody cards" situation?
    Maybe, if it lasts for 6 months or a year so a new 'status quo' is established. But he's not obligated to take her/leave her there all day either. At her age, if her interaction with people other than Dad is pretty limited, I'd enroll her a couple days/week anyway, just for the play time.

    He has no money, job, car, drivers license, health insurance of his own... Will that not be a determining factor in ability to care for the child?
    Not really. He has none of those things NOW and he cares for the child every day. Yes?

    I have offered on multiple occasions to put her in child care or increase the # of days that my mom watches her in order to give him a break from diapers/runny noses, etc... For not only my happiness but primarily for his. To afford him the opportunity to get out, talk to other adults, get a job, or whatever he wants to do. He did not want day care feeling she didn't need to be with other children yet, and at all of his opportunities to get a job or be social himself he does nothing but sit and play video games. There is no question here; just feedback to the put upon comment. I completely understand what talking to no one but her all day would do to him.
    His problem then.

    "Lose custody" to me is defined as him having sole custody with him being able to take her back to Minnesota to live with his family which would be the only way for him to support her. I want to share custody, that is the idea with this.
    He's unlikely to get SOLE custody. What is very likely is a joint custody plan in which the child has his address and lives with him the majority of the time. Now, if he wants to move out of state, that IS a factor and it's quite possible that he would NOT be primary custodian if that happened... that's up to the court to decide and he'd have to show that it's in Princess's best interests to be moved that far away from her PARENT in order to be cared for by extended family.

    If I can get him to agree to a plan of me having sole physical custody with extensive visitation on his part, and 50/50 legal custody, in the presence of the court mediator, is it likely the judge will uphold that?
    Yes. Though sole physical is unnecessary.
  11. #11
    Alakardaiel760 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    7
    Quote Originally Posted by IsabellaSoriano View Post
    what's wrong with having joint physical and joint legal custody?
    Absolutely nothing. I believe this was my misunderstanding of people's comments here that he would be granted sole physical custody. Joint physical custody is a perfectly fine arrangement. I'd just like for the majority to rest with me.
  12. #12
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    65,690
    Quote Originally Posted by Alakardaiel760 View Post
    Absolutely nothing. I believe this was my misunderstanding of people's comments here that he would be granted sole physical custody. Joint physical custody is a perfectly fine arrangement. I'd just like for the majority to rest with me.
    No one said sole physical custody. People said primary custody. There is a huge world of difference between the two.
  13. #13
    Alakardaiel760 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    7
    I completely agree that at her age, the interaction with people is necessary for her. And her interests take precedence over everything. When you say "not obligated..." We still live together and "are" together. There has been no separation of any kind at this point. If we were to enroll her in childcare together why wouldn't that obligation exist.



    Yes, but this is where I must not completely understand the whole "child support" situation. She has those things now because I have those things. It was the choice for him to not go to work so she had the benefit of one parent watching her. I have the opportunity to make much more money than him therefore I was the logical choice. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat if able.



    I guess I see the logic of this, but here is what I don't understand about child support again I guess. How can he be granted primary custody let's call it, if he would no longer be able to watch her during the day as he would need to get a job in order to have a residence, food, etc... I can see how child support would entail me having to pay for day care, food allowance for her, her needs etc... but would I be responsible for paying for his rent, bills, etc... I'm sorry this is the sticking point with me. I think it just boggles my mind.



    Thank you. I think what I mean is joint custody with her address being mine.

    Thank you again.
  14. #14
    Alakardaiel760 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    7
    Quote Originally Posted by LdiJ View Post
    No one said sole physical custody. People said primary custody. There is a huge world of difference between the two.
    Again, my apologies. I'm really not trying to make anyone upset or misquote. This is a whole new world to me and I'm just trying for better understanding. I now understand the difference.
  15. #15
    CJane is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    19,854
    Quote Originally Posted by Alakardaiel760 View Post
    Absolutely nothing. I believe this was my misunderstanding of people's comments here that he would be granted sole physical custody. Joint physical custody is a perfectly fine arrangement. I'd just like for the majority to rest with me.
    It's going to be unclear to a LOT of people why that would be when the majority doesn't rest with YOU NOW. See what I'm saying?

    Do you even know if Dad would WANT primary custody given the fact that if y'all break up he's homeless, jobless, etc?

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 4
    Last Post: 05-19-2009, 01:44 PM
  2. A mixed question of child support and child custody
    By pgroxy12 in forum Child Custody & Visitation
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 10-15-2008, 10:13 AM
  3. Child Custody Question
    By threepack in forum Child Support
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 01-30-2008, 10:29 AM
  4. Child custody question
    By Military Dad in forum Child Custody & Visitation
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 01-12-2002, 02:54 AM
  5. Child Custody Question
    By BulldogCountry in forum Family Law Archive
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 11-16-2000, 07:43 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

© 1995-2012 Advice Company, All Rights Reserved

FreeAdvice® has been providing millions of consumers with outstanding advice, free, since 1995. While not a substitute for personal advice from a licensed professional, it is available AS IS, subject to our Disclaimer and Terms & Conditions Of Use.