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children more responsible than cheating mom

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massdad

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? MA
Help/advise please. My children are 13 and 16 and their mom has custody of them in Hawaii. I live in Massachusetts with my wife and two younger children. My ex cheated on me and my children when our youngest was only 9 months old. We divorced, she got custody because I was too young to know to fight her. We both remarried and the kids have a great step-dad. There mom is back to her old tricks again and has now cheated on our kids, her 2 year old with husband and got pregnant by new boyfriend! She moved herself and the 3 kids out of their home and just gave birth to boyfriend's baby. I want my children living with me. They are at crucial ages and need stability and do not need to sucked into the whirlwind of my ex's obvious lack of self control. How do I go about this? She can be VERY difficult when things do not go her way. The children spend summers and Christmas with us in Mass. and when they were here last summer did not want to go back to mom. (They knew about her pregnancy/boyfriend and were afraid to tell me) I have only recently found out and feel sick that they have to go through this again. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and happy holidays.
 


majomom1

Senior Member
What is the name of your state? MA
Help/advise please. My children are 13 and 16 and their mom has custody of them in Hawaii. I live in Massachusetts with my wife and two younger children. My ex cheated on me and my children when our youngest was only 9 months old. We divorced, she got custody because I was too young to know to fight her. We both remarried and the kids have a great step-dad. There mom is back to her old tricks again and has now cheated on our kids, her 2 year old with husband and got pregnant by new boyfriend! She moved herself and the 3 kids out of their home and just gave birth to boyfriend's baby. I want my children living with me. They are at crucial ages and need stability and do not need to sucked into the whirlwind of my ex's obvious lack of self control. How do I go about this? She can be VERY difficult when things do not go her way. The children spend summers and Christmas with us in Mass. and when they were here last summer did not want to go back to mom. (They knew about her pregnancy/boyfriend and were afraid to tell me) I have only recently found out and feel sick that they have to go through this again. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and happy holidays.

What state is your current court order in? MA or HI?

You will have to file a modification for custody and show a significant change in circumstances (for mom), that the best interest of the children is no longer being met. Each state has their own guidelines for this.

Infidelity, boyfriend and a new baby are not relevant, and are not an indicator that mom is not providing and caring for the children. Something that also jumped out at me... why would your children be 'afraid' to tell you anything. It is not uncommon for children to not want the summer vacation to end, that doesn't necessarily mean that they didn't want to go back to mom. That is a very hard transition time that too many parents misunderstand and then try to use it to their advantage.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
I would suggest that you drop the phrase "cheating on the children"...It is inaccurate and quite frankly sounds ridiculous.
 

CourtClerk

Senior Member
I would suggest that you drop the phrase "cheating on the children"...It is inaccurate and quite frankly sounds ridiculous.
You beat me to it!!! because mom didn't cheat on the kids... she cheated on you and that makes you angry.

And it really does sound completely ridiculous....

Oh.. and Merry Christmas everyone! I didn't get my BMW this year either.
 

massdad

Junior Member
a little more background

thanks for the responses. i'll drop the term "cheating on the kids" since it got such a lovely response, but now she is ripping them away from their step dad who has been with them for many years. i guess the main thing i want for them is a sense of family. i also want them to understand what committment means and don't want my little girl following in the same footsteps as her mom (whose own mother was married 5 times and cheated on her husband and also had boyfriends while married. their poor mom was even molested by one of them. so, there is a part of me that knows that she went through her own hell as a kid and is somewhat a product of her environment. )this worries me about my daughter because the statistics show that there is a higher chance of sexual abuse of teen girls by a man who is not their father. i also know some people can either learn from what they went through and decide to take their lives down a completely different path.....like i thought my ex had been doing with her 2nd husband up to now, or they can be sucked into what they went through as a child and continue the cycle, which may be the case now. when my ex got bored with our family i did go through anger, i'll admit that. we had a 3 year old and a baby, we were young, just bought a house and i thought we had the world in our hands. so, I also went through a sense of hurt that my children would not grow up with us all in the same home. i did get past that and my wife and i have been on very good terms with my ex and her husband. i felt that we had all grown up and matured and were all "in a good place" in life and working as a team with for our kids. now the pattern is repeating and some things are making sense. like last year at this time she asked me to increase my child support because she wasn't working as much now that she had a baby with her second husband. i am current with all payments and also send extra when needed, but i kinda felt like she was asking me to pay support for her 2nd husband's baby, when he works and lives with them. so that did not make sense to me. now when i do the math, last year at this time must have been when she had started seeing the new boyfriend and probably wanted to see if she could move out then and make it financially. i know that vacation time can be fun, but this return was different. they have come out several times and as sad as it is to say goodbye for now, we had our routine down. this time they were different and they really seemed depressed about going back. i guess they had a lot of "baggage" so to speak, they probably knew more than they should about what was going on with their mom. when i finally found out about everything, the kids said that she told them not to tell me and they were afraid she would be mad at them. she can be very nice, but when she gets mad, she is the kind of person who gets very loud and vocal and does not care who is around to hear it (at school, stores, ....) and they were afraid that after the initial outburst she "wouldn't talk to them because that is how she gets", words from my 16 year old son. my wife and i are both the oldest of 5 and had our share of responsibilities with our siblings, but we both knew how to get a hold of our moms if they left us in charge. she takes off to go surfing or "shopping" with her single cousins and their friends while the stepdad is working. in my home it's all about the kids and doing things together as a family (that is our every day life, not just vacation times) i am not angry right now, i just want to do what is right by them, as their dad, and i want to be there for them in every way that they need me to. They may be teenagers, but they are still my babies. i also do not want a custody fight. i am sincerely hoping that i can have a mature conversation with her and see if she'll let the kids have a shot at living out here with us while she concentrates on the two babies she has there and figures out which male she is going to have a relationship with. i am even willing to continue paying child support (hawaii order by the way, the first reply had asked where). i just want to focus on the kids. thanks for any input.
 
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majomom1

Senior Member
thanks for the responses. i'll drop the term "cheating on the kids" since it got such a lovely response, but now she is ripping them away from their step dad who has been with them for many years. i guess the main thing i want for them is a sense of family. i also want them to understand what committment means and don't want my little girl following in the same footsteps as her mom (whose own mother was married 5 times and cheated on her husband and also had boyfriends while married. their poor mom was even molested by one of them. so, there is a part of me that knows that she went through her own hell as a kid and is somewhat a product of her environment. )this worries me about my daughter because the statistics show that there is a higher chance of sexual abuse of teen girls by a man who is not their father. i also know some people can either learn from what they went through and decide to take their lives down a completely different path.....like i thought my ex had been doing with her 2nd husband up to now, or they can be sucked into what they went through as a child and continue the cycle, which may be the case now. when my ex got bored with our family i did go through anger, i'll admit that. we had a 3 year old and a baby, we were young, just bought a house and i thought we had the world in our hands. so, I also went through a sense of hurt that my children would not grow up with us all in the same home. i did get past that and my wife and i have been on very good terms with my ex and her husband. i felt that we had all grown up and matured and were all "in a good place" in life and working as a team with for our kids. now the pattern is repeating and some things are making sense. like last year at this time she asked me to increase my child support because she wasn't working as much now that she had a baby with her second husband. i am current with all payments and also send extra when needed, but i kinda felt like she was asking me to pay support for her 2nd husband's baby, when he works and lives with them. so that did not make sense to me.

now when i do the math, last year at this time must have been when she had started seeing the new boyfriend and probably wanted to see if she could move out then and make it financially.

i know that vacation time can be fun, but this return was different. they have come out several times and as sad as it is to say goodbye for now, we had our routine down. this time they were different and they really seemed depressed about going back. i guess they had a lot of "baggage" so to speak, they probably knew more than they should about what was going on with their mom. when i finally found out about everything, the kids said that she told them not to tell me and they were afraid she would be mad at them. she can be very nice, but when she gets mad, she is the kind of person who gets very loud and vocal and does not care who is around to hear it (at school, stores, ....) and they were afraid that after the initial outburst she "wouldn't talk to them because that is how she gets", words from my 16 year old son. my wife and i are both the oldest of 5 and had our share of responsibilities with our siblings, but we both knew how to get a hold of our moms if they left us in charge. she takes off to go surfing or "shopping" with her single cousins and their friends while the stepdad is working. in my home it's all about the kids and doing things together as a family (that is our every day life, not just vacation times) i am not angry right now, i just want to do what is right by them, as their dad, and i want to be there for them in every way that they need me to. They may be teenagers, but they are still my babies. i also do not want a custody fight. i am sincerely hoping that i can have a mature conversation with her and see if she'll let the kids have a shot at living out here with us while she concentrates on the two babies she has there and figures out which male she is going to have a relationship with. i am even willing to continue paying child support (hawaii order by the way, the first reply had asked where). i just want to focus on the kids. thanks for any input.
It would certainly be a lot easier if you could talk to mom and get an agreement from her, otherwise you are in for a custody battle.

Suggestion: when you talk to mom, don't talk about her upbringing, faults or claim that you have a better living environment. Anything that puts her down, or that implies that you can do better might put her on the defensive.

Her upbringing, or current style of living, also won't be relevant for a custody change. You moved to MA... so apparantly it wasn't bad enough to keep you closer to the kids.

If mom doesn't agree, then you will have to file for modification and will have to prove a change in circumstances, for her, that no longer provides the best interest of the children. You will need to look at the HI statutes for the criteria they look at for a change of custody.
 

massdad

Junior Member
what a mess

now that I look back on my last response I see what courtclerk meant by it needing more white space!! hey, i'm still new at this!!

got it now!! thanks for the insightful suggestions majomom1. "and to all a good night"
 

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