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Consequences

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nighthawk75

Guest
Chances & Consequences

What is the name of your state? West Virginia

My 10 year old step-son currently lives with his mom, whom my husband tries to keep a fairly civil relationship with for the child's sake. For the past 8 years he has been telling us that he wants to live with us but says his mom won't let him. My SS says he doesn't feel like he 'belongs' there he feels he 'belongs' with us. He calls Sunday (the day he has to go home) the "sad" day.

They live in a three bedroom trailer (His Mom, Her Boyfriend, their son (3) and their daughter (2).). He shares a room with a three year old. She and the BF both have Minimum Wage jobs, She works full-time as a home aide for the elderly and is gone from 11:00am until 7:00 am the next day four days a week. This leaves him with her grandmother or her boyfriend. His mother told us the GM feeds him four Meals between 4-8, he stayed with her over the summer and gained over eight pounds in three weeks. He is getting significantly overweight (111 pounds at 4 foot), his mother weighs around 350. He tells us that she makes him hotdogs with cheese for breakfast, macaroni (with nothing else) for dinner. He tells us that when he stays home with the BF all the BF does is drink beer and smoke cigarettes. He says when they are home together they fight alot, sometimes they wake up him and his siblings in the middle of the night, once the BF even put his fist through a wall. He has also reported on several occasions that their house is a mess, he said they had to through his sisters bed away because it was full of bugs. I asked why and he said his mom wouldn't clean it and she threw up in it alot.

Social Services has been to their house on at least two occasions, the last time that we know of was two years ago. At that time we called them because he was saying that his mom smashed his face into a dresser three times, we tried to talk to her about it but she was inaccessible. The other time we don't know what happened. Social Services never got back to us so we assumed their investigation turned out nothing. Needless to say she was pretty PO'd when they told her it was my husband that called (we didn't know they were allowed to do that). Now if he has an "unexplained" injury he will just say "My mom said I fell down". A few months ago he missed the bus so he ran three blocks to school, when the teacher asked why he said he was scared to tell his mom he missed the bus.

The year before last he started having "accidents". He says he can't feel that he needs to poop and his mom says it is due to a medical condition. We have never seen medication for this "condition" and it is not getting better. His grades are terrible (never higher than C's and he is an intelligent child). His most recent report card had (3 D's, 1 E, 2 C's) showed a drop of 2 letter grades in 2 subjects. His teacher says he rarely brings in his homework. His self esteem is very low.

We now feel that we are in a position (financially and emotionally) to finally do something about it. In truth we just feel like bad parents not doing 'something'. Although we can't prove "abuse", we can't prove "neglect" and we aren't sure if he will say anything to a Social Services worker as his mother has him so "trained" on responses. We know we could give him a better life than he has now. I have recently finished my BS and landed a great job. We just bought a house where he has his own room. I have a BS in Elementary Education so I could work with him alot. I don't work until after he has to go to school and his dad gets off work by the time he would be home. We want to take him but are just unsure how to approach it.

We know his mother loves him, it's just she is not very good at this taking care of herself let alone children. We would like it to be nice and friendly but somehow I don't see that happening, but we don't feel we can just sit back and let him live like this anymore. What we are afraid of is that we will go to court and they will say well if you can provide so well we'll just raise your childsupport and he will stay put. Then things will also be tense with her, and last time (with calling Social Services on her) she made it very difficult for us to get him. - as of now she is being pretty easy to get along with - we don't want to make things worse...for him or us.

Dont get me wrong - We don't mind paying for him, we pay her $200/month plus we buy all of his school clothes and we pay for his glasses, eye appointments and prescriptions (what her insurance won't cover). We wouldn't even object to paying more if we thought it would change things but it won't.
 
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nighthawk75

Guest
Exactly the problem.

However, wouldn't the fact that we can offer him a better life (own room, big yard, financial stablity) stand for something in the eyes of the court?

Would they look at the fact that his mother is gone 4 days a week after he gets home and his dad would be with him?

What about his grades? Obviously they are not working with him. We thought that they may consider the fact that with my degree in Elem. Ed. they would see that we could offer better educational support as well.

My Mother & Step-Dad got custody of my step-sister in the late 70's due to the fact that they could support her without being on welfare. Do they still consider that or would we be expected to pay enough to keep her off welfare (dispite the fact that she has two other kids)

You would think they could tell that they don't spend their money wisely as they live in a crappy trailer yet the 2 year old has a tv, gameboy advance and the 3 year old has a gameboy advance and gamecube. They buy movies and toys but the kids dress shabby.

Does anyone know what right his dad has to get the records from child services? Can he call and find out if they have been called again? or what they found when they did call?
 
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krispenstpeter

Guest
However, wouldn't the fact that we can offer him a better life (own room, big yard, financial stablity) stand for something in the eyes of the court?
So, you want to buy the child? How much is your bid?
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Custody changes are not easy to make unless there are changes of circumstance that can be proven. Bright kids make C's all the time - it doesn't always mean that they're not being helped, or that extra help will change the grades. Motivation goes a long way. If he's always been making C's - it may make no difference at all.

If CPS has been out and not found anything warranting removal, then their involvement isn't likely to help Dad's case.

Her poverty isn't likely a reason to remove the child. She is, after all, working and supporting the children as well. And $200/mo... well.... that's not a significant contribution, to be honest. Okay, they have toys and wear shabby clothes... But they have clothes. (As you can tell by now, the standards are pretty low.) The state doesn't take kids away for poverty.

If your husband wants to try for custody, I'd suggest that he get himself a lawyer, because it's not going to be a slamdunk.
 
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nighthawk75

Guest
It is not my fault that they don't have money and live in poverty.
I have worked hard to have what I have as has my husband. She failed a drug test in her field years ago and can't get a decent job and the boyfriend is an alcholic. It's not like they can't try to do better for themseleves but they won't.

My husband and I do the best we can for his son. As I said we buy all his clothes (no we don't buy for her other two kids, nor do we support her boyfriends other 3 kids that don't live with them).
Yet last summer we asked for him to be dressed nice for my sisters wedding and she sent him in a tank top and flip-flops - my husband called her and she said he didn't have anything else. We inquired about the outfits we sent home with him the previous month and the dress shoes we bought him two weeks before and she said she didn't know anything about them. My step-son says that she gives them to her boyfriends kids.

He comes to our house, he smells bad and his finger nails are long and filled with dirt. She never packs the appropriate clothing (no jacket, shorts no jeans, no socks). He told us once that he had been wearing the same underwear for four days because she wouldn't wash his clothes. Is this MY fault? We bought him 9 pairs of underwear three weeks before that because he didn't bring any with him.

So what do we do? Give her more money? It won't go to the things he needs (we buy his glasses and pay for his eye exams, dental needs...). He will get more toys and junk that he just doesn't need. Yeah we could buy him toys out the *$$ to but I think a child needs more. He says she is never at home and the boyfriend just tells him to go away. Is that love and support?

Tell me this would you sit back and listen to your child tell you horror stories about his life and beg you to come to your house and just say no? What kind of parent wouldn't fight for thier child? Yes we plan to get a lawyer but I was sort of trying to find out if we stood a chance or not. In WV the child can choose wear to live when he is 12. We were trying to wait until then but the situation seems to only get worse.

By the way - yes he used to get B's and C's but last time it was D's - he isn't going to pass fourth grade at this rate. The teacher called my husband to come in for a conference because they can't get his mom to come in.
 
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stealth2

Under the Radar Member
No, it's not YOUR problem. But I do think you have some unreasonable expectations. I would never in a million years expect my ex to send the kids dressed in any particular way for a family event. Especially knowing that there's a problem with clothes ever returning.

No, she doesn't sound like a great mother. But he's the one your husband chose for his son. Now he has to deal with it. But as I said - the standards are very low. Poverty is not a reason to remove a child. Being a less than ideal parent is not a reason to remove a child. Not sending clothing to the NCP is not a reason to remove a child (unless it is court ordered that it be done and the order has been ignored repeatedly).

I'd like to see the WV statute that allows a 12 yo to choose. As far as I know, only one state - GA - allows a child to choose where to live and that's at 14. Every other state (to the best of my knowledge) will allow a 12 yo (approximately - a lot depends on the child's maturity) to express a preference, but it is still the JUDGE who decides.
 

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