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peanut71

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? South Carolina
Hi..I'm in serious need of some insight here. I have two beautiful children, my son is 6 and my little girl is almost 4. There father and I divorced in October of 2006. It was a horrible marriage for the last 4 years and an even worse relationship after the seperation up until this day. The man is and always has been a control freak. His favorite choice of control right now is the children. When we seperated I was in such a bad mental state that I believed everything this man told me...he convinced me because I had an affair that he could take my children. I agreed that we should have joint custody. He kept holding it over me that he could "take" them. I didn't fight anything, I felt as long as I had joint custody my babies would be less traumatized. However in the last year they have been put through so much that little minds should never have to live with. This is just a few of the things my little boy has come home telling me...1) that I'd rather be with my friends than with them, I never left my kids when I had them...NEVER, the only time I went anywhere was when they were with their dad. 2) My son has told his father that I have been out all night and slept all day and he has had nothing to eat! I was sitting right there while he was trying to tell him this!! I of course made him tell the truth, but of course I'm the liar. 3) My son will not talk to me about things they do with their dad, and normally I don't question...but he will tell all kind of things about me and what goes on in this house, I am currently living with my parents. 4) My son loves me and my little girl too but I can tell such a difference when they come back from their dads, it's like they are testing me to see how far they can go. Last year, Connor got into a lot of trouble at school, kicking, biting and hitting, I had gone to his dad prior to this and talked about taking him to a counselor. He didn't want it because I was the problem, and he didn't want Connor traumatized. Well when Connor got into all that trouble, I spanked him...there were other things that were done as well, taking tv and such but none of that had really worked so my last resort was spanking. The next thing I know I'm being called a child abuser, my son had been taken to the ER, had pics taken of his naked behind, and interviewed! There was nothing found and the investigator even told my ex to leave us alone b/c we'd been through enough. Now my son thinks that if I touch him, he can get me in trouble! I have lost pretty much all control over the disciplining! and I am the only one who does it..I asked Connor if his dad spanked he said yeah but he only pretends to cry! 5) My son told his father that my dad had made up a song about him, it was the Banana-fana song and Connor had asked him to put in the word "daddy". Then it became "pa-pa" is singing bad songs about you daddy! I got to the bottom of it and told Connor that the song wasn't about his dad, it was just a silly song and he had asked pa-pa to use "daddy" in it. A few weeks ago, I had to correct Connor about telling a lie, he said "it's all right momma, I know you called me a liar before", I asked him where that came from and he said his daddy told him that! I confronted Kelly and of course it's all me, because I corrected Connor he assumed that I was calling him a liar! I'm sorry, my son is very intelligent but this just doesn't sound like something he would come up with on his own! this is just the tip of the iceberg. My question is..can I take him back to court to change joint custody to me having full custody? I just feel like he is mentally destroying my children. Oh and after his daddy "talked" with him about me supposedly calling him a liar, Connor came back saying he had misunderstood and that it wasn't daddy's fault. Just a few months ago, at my son's kindergarten program, he had the kids at that time, but reminded me that it was going on. He brought my little girl. She of course wanted mommy to hold her and he got so mad, he said "it's my time, go find your place!" he actually pried my little girls arms from around my neck! with her crying that she wanted me!! I hate this man with more passion than I ever loved him...I just can't believe he's doing this! Not to his own children. I am an adult, he can do or say what he wants to to me....but he's using them..or am I being too dramatic? I just want what's best for them and I don't know anymore if being with him so much is a good thing! Believe me I could write a book but these are just some highlights! I am currently looking for work, as he got me fired from my last job by harrassing me on the job! So of course now I have no money for taking him back YET..but I'm looking daily! OH and I've also been to counseling myself.. and it's helped make me a little stronger but after living in this for so long...I just want to do the right thing by the kids. I know I've made some big mistakes but I love my kids and want the best for them!What is the name of your state?
 


Ohiogal

Queen Bee
White Space -- My Eyes Are Now Bleeding

What is the name of your state? South Carolina
Hi..I'm in serious need of some insight here
And I am in major need of white space in your post.

I have two beautiful children, my son is 6 and my little girl is almost 4. There father and I divorced in October of 2006. It was a horrible marriage for the last 4 years and an even worse relationship after the seperation up until this day.
Okay. But that truthfully is irrelevant.
The man is and always has been a control freak. His favorite choice of control right now is the children. When we seperated I was in such a bad mental state that I believed everything this man told me...he convinced me because I had an affair that he could take my children. I agreed that we should have joint custody. He kept holding it over me that he could "take" them. I didn't fight anything, I felt as long as I had joint custody my babies would be less traumatized.
So do you have joint custody?

However in the last year they have been put through so much that little minds should never have to live with. This is just a few of the things my little boy has come home telling me...1) that I'd rather be with my friends than with them, I never left my kids when I had them...NEVER, the only time I went anywhere was when they were with their dad.
NEVER? Well leaving them with their dad is being away from them. So from that perspective you are wrong.

2) My son has told his father that I have been out all night and slept all day and he has had nothing to eat! I was sitting right there while he was trying to tell him this!! I of course made him tell the truth, but of course I'm the liar.
Okay. So your son is lying to dad?
3) My son will not talk to me about things they do with their dad, and normally I don't question...but he will tell all kind of things about me and what goes on in this house, I am currently living with my parents.
Ummm.. okay.
4) My son loves me and my little girl too but I can tell such a difference when they come back from their dads, it's like they are testing me to see how far they can go. Last year, Connor got into a lot of trouble at school, kicking, biting and hitting, I had gone to his dad prior to this and talked about taking him to a counselor. He didn't want it because I was the problem, and he didn't want Connor traumatized. Well when Connor got into all that trouble, I spanked him...there were other things that were done as well, taking tv and such but none of that had really worked so my last resort was spanking. The next thing I know I'm being called a child abuser, my son had been taken to the ER, had pics taken of his naked behind, and interviewed! There was nothing found and the investigator even told my ex to leave us alone b/c we'd been through enough. Now my son thinks that if I touch him, he can get me in trouble! I have lost pretty much all control over the disciplining! and I am the only one who does it..I asked Connor if his dad spanked he said yeah but he only pretends to cry!
Okay. so your son is manipulative. Why don't you take your son to counseling on your time with him if you have joint custody?

5) My son told his father that my dad had made up a song about him, it was the Banana-fana song and Connor had asked him to put in the word "daddy". Then it became "pa-pa" is singing bad songs about you daddy! I got to the bottom of it and told Connor that the song wasn't about his dad, it was just a silly song and he had asked pa-pa to use "daddy" in it. A few weeks ago, I had to correct Connor about telling a lie, he said "it's all right momma, I know you called me a liar before", I asked him where that came from and he said his daddy told him that! I confronted Kelly and of course it's all me, because I corrected Connor he assumed that I was calling him a liar! I'm sorry, my son is very intelligent but this just doesn't sound like something he would come up with on his own!
Sorry but from what you are saying it is something that a manipulative six year old will come up with. Especially one who is playing both parents against the other.

this is just the tip of the iceberg. My question is..can I take him back to court to change joint custody to me having full custody?
You can try but you won't win.

I just feel like he is mentally destroying my children.
Why? Because the six year old knows the games he can play and he is playing them?
Oh and after his daddy "talked" with him about me supposedly calling him a liar, Connor came back saying he had misunderstood and that it wasn't daddy's fault. Just a few months ago, at my son's kindergarten program, he had the kids at that time, but reminded me that it was going on. He brought my little girl. She of course wanted mommy to hold her and he got so mad, he said "it's my time, go find your place!" he actually pried my little girls arms from around my neck! with her crying that she wanted me!! I hate this man with more passion than I ever loved him...I just can't believe he's doing this! Not to his own children.
Really? And that hatred makes it very easy for BOTH OF YOU to be manipulated. And he brought YOUR little girl? That child is apparently also HIS daughter and not just yours. You need to realize that.

I am an adult, he can do or say what he wants to to me....but he's using them..or am I being too dramatic?
Way too dramatic.

I just want what's best for them and I don't know anymore if being with him so much is a good thing! Believe me I could write a book but these are just some highlights!
I am sure they are as you have a very smart child who can play you both like violins. And there are probably dozens more instances where he has done just that.

I am currently looking for work, as he got me fired from my last job by harrassing me on the job!
How did his harrassment get you fired? What was he doing?

So of course now I have no money for taking him back YET..but I'm looking daily!
Okay. Who was ordered to pay child support?

OH and I've also been to counseling myself.. and it's helped make me a little stronger but after living in this for so long...I just want to do the right thing by the kids.
Then you need to recognize the real problem is how you interact with your ex and how your child is running the show.

I know I've made some big mistakes but I love my kids and want the best for them!
Start with counseling for the children ESPECIALLY the six year old who is acting out.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
You got a good response from OG, however, if dad derails you getting counseling for your son, then take that issue back to court and get a judge to order that the kids have counseling.

Counseling doesn't "traumatize" anyone.

Also, please, if you post any further posts, format them the way that I have here. You need to make paragraphs and double space between them. Your paragraphs don't have to be as short as these are, but you need to make your post readable if you want good responses.
 

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