Custodial parent leaving for a month or longer leaving us with kids...

[AL_Madi]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arkansas

Arrangement: Joint custody, Mom is custodial parent, no child support, "reasonable" visitation. 2 minor children, 1 adult child.

Facts: Before father remarried, the arrangement was visitation every other week. When Mom split from husband #2 and found a job working weekends, visitation was changed to Thurs (after school)-Sun morning to avoid having to hire a sitter. This continued even after Mom remarried right after the divorce was final until the summer when it was back to every other week for the most part. Now it is back to weekends, kids are missing a considerable amount of school (non unusual - avg 20-30+ days/yr) and adoloscent son is getting into trouble at school and last incident almost caused charges to be filed against him in violation to the bully code. Son has a history of violent behaviour and Mom made it difficult to have effective counseling sessions until this last incident.

Situation: Mom may be taking a position where she travels to different areas and her assignment would include a month away and she has asked (called at 630 am the morning of her interview for an immediate answer) if we would be willing to take the children for a month while she is away. Her husband will be going with her.

Question: With Mom being gone that long, maybe more, is it recommended that we have some legal document to provide to the school stating that we (Dad and stepmom) have temporary(?) custody with the apx. dates so that the school will send information (reports, etc) to us and change is to primary contact for the duration? Mom also indicated that there was a possibility that she might accept a perm. position which would require her to travel often and therefore she would homeschool the children and take them with her. If this became more of a possibility, would it be considered as though the Mom was moving away and taking the kids with her and would have to file a motion with the courts to do this, depending on Ark. laws? And dad does not agree with home schooling because the children already lack social skills and the youngest has shown much improvement over the last 2 yrs. Is education dispute also a grounds in which to modify the custody agreement?

 

[AL_Madi]

forgot to mention -

I'm not sure if this is relevant, but I did want to mention that the Mom does and has used the kids as weapons and has denied visitations if she does not get her way and the last incident that she attempted to do this, Dad had a meeting with her and showed her the standard visitation rights for the state and informed her that he will file a contempt with the courts if she denies him visitation again. He was accused of trying to manipulate her. We have requested several times to have something in writing for visitation and continued to be denied, stating that it's an inconvienance to her and she needs the flexability. We would like to see a parent plan in action but if she's unwilling, where do we go from there?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Arkansas

Arrangement: Joint custody, Mom is custodial parent, no child support, "reasonable" visitation. 2 minor children, 1 adult child.

Facts: Before father remarried, the arrangement was visitation every other week. When Mom split from husband #2 and found a job working weekends, visitation was changed to Thurs (after school)-Sun morning to avoid having to hire a sitter. This continued even after Mom remarried right after the divorce was final until the summer when it was back to every other week for the most part. Now it is back to weekends, kids are missing a considerable amount of school (non unusual - avg 20-30+ days/yr) and adoloscent son is getting into trouble at school and last incident almost caused charges to be filed against him in violation to the bully code. Son has a history of violent behaviour and Mom made it difficult to have effective counseling sessions until this last incident.

Situation: Mom may be taking a position where she travels to different areas and her assignment would include a month away and she has asked (called at 630 am the morning of her interview for an immediate answer) if we would be willing to take the children for a month while she is away. Her husband will be going with her.

Question: With Mom being gone that long, maybe more, is it recommended that we have some legal document to provide to the school stating that we (Dad and stepmom) have temporary(?) custody with the apx. dates so that the school will send information (reports, etc) to us and change is to primary contact for the duration? Mom also indicated that there was a possibility that she might accept a perm. position which would require her to travel often and therefore she would homeschool the children and take them with her. If this became more of a possibility, would it be considered as though the Mom was moving away and taking the kids with her and would have to file a motion with the courts to do this, depending on Ark. laws? And dad does not agree with home schooling because the children already lack social skills and the youngest has shown much improvement over the last 2 yrs. Is education dispute also a grounds in which to modify the custody agreement?

No documentation is needed for the children to spend a month with dad. Dad already has joint custody. The school however should be informed that any info should be sent to dad for that month.

IF mom accepts a position that means that she would travel often, then the parenting schedule may need to be modified, but its unlikely that custody would need to be modified.

 

[CJane]

Why isn't school info ALREADY being sent to Dad? Copies of reports and such?

What is DAD'S work schedule? How much time is he ACTUALLY spending w/the kids?

Have children been in public school their whole lives? You state they have "no social skills"... what does that mean, exactly?

How is it that you want to use kiddo #1's behavior against Mom - the outbursts, etc... but kiddo #2's GOOD behavior against Mom as well? How's THAT gonna work?

 

[TheGeekess]

And remember well when (and if) this must go to court. There is no WE. You are legally not part of the WE in this situation. It's MOM & DAD.

 

[sometwo]

Is dad not already getting the information from school? If not then why not? Why hasn't dad done something about that?

If mom has denied dad visitation did dad file contempt? If not why not? If yes then what was the outcome.


Custody is not being changed per say. A month with dad is not enough to warrant a change in custody right now.

 

[AL_Madi]

CJane, my intention was not to indicate that the Mom is specifically at fault or a cause of child#1's behaviour. But if I may, give you an example of what we have dealt with:

We had child 1 (13) and child 2 (10) in a summer program which was ok'd by Mom as long as we understood not to expect her to provide transportation during her time or expect her to help pay for the day camp. Same thing for Child 2's dance classes and any other activity that we would sign up for them (their day otherwise would consist of being cooped up in a house watching tv, computer, or games). We had a breakthrough with child 1 and I bonded and talked about treating other people with respect after he had gotten suspended from camp for his behaviour towards adults and kids. We provided him with some books on how to deal with anger and accepting responsibility for his actions. Child 1 later confided in his dad that Mom had told him that his dad had an affair with her just before she remarried and while dad and I were together, indicating that dad is a cheater and it wasnt the first time. Did Child 1 make this up? Considering the fact that Mom had called me one evening after she had an argument with Dad and told me the same thing, and indicated to Dad that she told the kids as well - is this too much of a coincidence? Dad and I do not discuss these things with children, nor do we talk negatively about Mom and stepdad(s).

I am wondering if it is easier and there has been more of a noticed change in child 2 because of the age, that child is a female, and looks forward to activities now that she has had the opportunity to experience them?

Another is when child 2 had a severe allergic reaction after spending the weekend with her grandma (who lives across the street fm us). She has eczema and was hiding the rash the best possible. We knew she had a rash when she returned fm school, but that was not out of the ordinary. Mom blamed it on the cats and said child 2 was not allowed over until the cats were gone. When Dad put his foot down and tried to reason with her, asking that child 2 be tested before taking this extreme measure, she told the children that Dad was chosing the cats over his own daughter. He was simply trying to balance 2 families and was willing to have the cats put in a seperate room but would not remove them without just cause. This is when he brought the copy of the decree and state standard visitation. (and allergy results showed a minor reaction to cats but found some plants mom had at her house was on the high end).

See a pattern of bullying? I am not a professional, which is why we are finally going to counseling, but from what we've experienced, Hostile Aggressive Parenting seems to be a technique for Mom, according to the website information.

I am also divorced and a Mom and my ex and I battled, but kept the kids out of it and we did not use them to get at eachother. My ex and his (now ex) wife even offered to write a character reference if we ever needed it.

Dad works M-F 8-5 and Mom has more of a flex schedule, usually three 12hr shifts. I work weekends, pt, and take evening classes. Mom indicated that she cannot tolerate being away from the children for more than a few days a week, which is why we only get them on weekends, although Dad continues to request every other week.

Dad has not done anything in the past because it was easier for him to just do as she says, knowing Mom will involve the kids. His eyes are opening up and I have suggested counseling for Mom and Dad.

It is a good question - why isnt Dad getting copies of school stuff? The schools say it's because they will only give one copy or mail one copy, which goes to the address they have as primary residence. If something is sent home on Thurs or Fri, Dad gets it. Mom kept him in the dark about school events such as Meet the Teachers and Parent-teacher conferences in which he has requested to be involved in. We only know about these events because we went to the school and got a calendar. Unfortunately, Dad missed PT conferences but has set up an appt to talk with teachers.

 

[CJane]

Dad has mishandled this from the get-go, and it's POSSIBLE that there's not a lot that he can do at this point to repair things.

1) The school cannot refuse him ACCESS to records. They SHOULD provide him with copies of all notice/progress reports/etc - but may charge an administrative fee and/or require that he provide the school with a SASE for each item he wants sent to him.

2) Visitation is "reasonable" according to you. Dad meeting with Mom and attempting to force her to follow state guidelines is inappropriate.

3) Dad "wanting" every other week is all well and good - but he's done nothing to attempt to cement that.

4) Dad should NOT be signing the kids up for activities on Mom's time

5) The ONLY thing that MIGHT lead to a parenting time change is Mom's potential desire to homeschool - but only if Dad can prove that such a change would be in the children's best interests.

 

[AL_Madi]

2) Visitation is "reasonable" according to you. Dad meeting with Mom and attempting to force her to follow state guidelines is inappropriate.

CJane, thank you for your response. I believe there is a misunderstanding in reference to #2 response - whether it be mine or yours.

Dad met with Mom to attempt to put an end to Mom's use of "child(ren) are not allowed to over/to see you until you...". This is a violation of the decree, along with speaking negatively about father/mother/etc. Dad simply stated that if she was going to deny him visitation without reasonable and legal cuase, he would no longer hesitate to file contempt. He stood up to her with his rights to see his children. How is this "forcing" and how is this "inappropriate"? Perhaps I was unclear on Mom denying visitation with Dad and forcing him to take legal action instead of acting like a responsible adult. As a matter of fact, Dad said that if it is too much for Mom to agree to every other week, or to work out something else, then he will fall back on the standard which is only every other weekend, x amount of days (uninterrupted, I believe) in the summer and whatever on holidays and birthdays, resulting in less time but (hopefully) being able to establish a little more stability.

Dad does not want to "take the kids away from Mom". We - yes, Dad and I - helped Mom out when she fell apart after divorce 2, checking on the kids while she was grieving and made sure they had everything they needed. Dad probably would have had a solid case if he wished to change custody. If she happens to have divorce #3, Dad will not be able to do as much as he did before because he will not put himself in a position where accusations of adultry can be made. Which means that the courts will be involved if history repeats itself. In other words - no more Mr Nice Guy, which is unfortunate.

With Dad taking the kids for a month while Mom is out of state is why there were questions on what we should do legally, if we needed. Both of us are relieved that we do not need to get a temp. custody change for a month's time - but what if it's longer? I like the advice of making sure the school is informed (by the Mom and Dad) of the temp. residence change.

I am confident that with the help of psychologists, Mom and Dad and the step parents can find a way to communicate more effectively for the children if not for ourselves.

 

[shesaidwhat]

I am confident that with the help of psychologists, Mom and Dad and the step parents can find a way to communicate more effectively for the children if not for ourselves.

I'm no legal professional, but I'm going to give my opinion anyway. YOU don't need to communicate more effectively. Step Parents should not be involved in the communication. Mom and Dad need to communicate effectively, and you should never attempt to take on that role. Stay out of it. Period. It will work out better in the end for all if you do that now.

 

[AL_Madi]

CJane, I forgot to answer your question on wht I meant exactly about lack of social skills. Yes, the kids have always been in public school. Child 2 has had no friends at school because of her eczema - kids just dont understand and can be cruel when other kids are "different". There have been times when I picked her up from school and she had wet-looking hair. Dad has a copy of an email from last year's teacher indicating that she often comes to school looking dishoveled and unkept and she often has to give her a brush to take care of her hair. Dad lives out in the country so neighbors are sparse. When I came into the picture, both kids had a birthday party with friends - their first. Met some of the parents, and child 2 met kids outside her school at dance class. Child 2 has play dates now and has established some friendships. Playdates tend to be made only when Dad has her.

Child 1 is more of a challenge. He seems to not have any friends except his cousins that are close in age. However, he is not allowed to associate with his aunt or her kids because of a falling out Mom had with her sister. The aunt lives just down the road from us, so it is a shame to honor this but Dad does not want to cause more conflict so we dont allow it. Child 1 is a bully - especially to smaller kids and doesnt seem to know how to tell the truth. He does not respect adults or peers and he does not trust anyone. I have witnessed this first hand.

In the fall of 2006 (before I was in the picture) there was an incident that resulted in a court order for counseling and the counselor recommended that Child 1 be involved in an activity with his peers. Dad got him in scouts but child showed little interest so it wasnt pressed. Dad and I enrolled him in summmer camp where he could experience swimming, movies, etc and associate with peers. This was a challenge and he was suspended a few times for behavoir issues. He was supposed to be kicked out but Dad and I spoke with the director, explained what we were trying to achieve, and she worked with us instead of kicking him out. He started to improve even though his time was limited.

When I came into the picture, the children had no boundaries - meaning that they hugged all the time and would hang all over people even when asked to stop. I was in shock when I was caring for the children and child 1 pinned down child 2 and had his hand around child1's throat choking her out of anger. Dad's side relatives admitted that they had dreaded having the kids over because they were hyper, didnt listen, and not very polite. I brought this to Dad's attention and we started to correct this by working with the kids on respect, manners, and boundaries. Dad no longer sticks his head in the ground. Relatives ask us to family events and have even praised the improvement of the kids' behaviour over the last 18mos. Now that school has started, things have changed and not for the better. Not even 2 weeks in and Child 1 made some allegations that proved to be false and legal action was almost taken. Dad wasnt even called down to the school when it all came out.

Dad did not sign them up for activities to keep the children away from Mom. It was to work on social skills as recommended a few years back because what they had been doing was not working. Child 2 showed improvement and more self confidence resulting in making some friends. Child 1 continues to be a challenge and there are limited activities that fall during Dad's time. This tends to also backfire because Child 1 sees that child 2 gets to do things where child 1 does not. Dance class falls on the days we have them but the activities child1 is interested falls on different days.

The advice as far as the communication being left up to the parents only, shesaidwhat, is not always possible. Kids need picked up from school and Dad/Mom is not available - who's going to be called? Transportation for an event or visitation and Mom/Dad is not available - who's the next in line? The stepparents! When Dad is on call and is gone to work every other weekend and the kids are more responsibility and Mom calls to see how the kids are am I supposed to say "I'm sorry, you'll need to talk to the Dad, he'll be home after 7"? Or if there is cause for concern (child coughing, breaking out, etc) I have to rely on Dad to be able to provide the details and not forget anything whereas it really is easier and more effective if I can just tell the Mom herself so nothing is missed in error. More Serious stuff though, is left up to the Dad.

 

[CJane]

if she was going to deny him visitation without reasonable and legal cuase, he would no longer hesitate to file contempt.

If their order really says "reasonable visitation" then how was Mom denying him anything, or in contempt? There's no schedule and "reasonable" is up to the interpretation of any given judge on any given day.

All that other stuff - who cares?

DAD didn't press the issue when counselor recommended peer group activities - not until YOU forced him to.

DAD didn't care that kids were out of control/hyper/aggressive/clingy/whatever until YOU pointed out it was an issue.

DAD didn't think they needed interaction w/others until YOU made it an issue.

See the common thread?

 

[Ohiogal]

In addition to dittoing EVERYTHING Cjane has stated one other thing leaps out to me:

I am not a professional, which is why we are finally going to counseling, but from what we've experienced, Hostile Aggressive Parenting seems to be a technique for Mom, according to the website information.

YOU should not be going to counseling with the child. Hostile Aggressive Parenting? How about a father who has REFUSED to parent? That sounds more like that from what I have read. Dad did nothing until over involved stepmom decided she could "fix" things.

 

[Proserpina]

In addition to dittoing EVERYTHING Cjane has stated one other thing leaps out to me:

YOU should not be going to counseling with the child. Hostile Aggressive Parenting? How about a father who has REFUSED to parent? That sounds more like that from what I have read. Dad did nothing until over involved stepmom decided she could "fix" things.

OG, did you happen to read the website OP has referenced a few times? Curious as to your take on it.

 

[AL_Madi]

In addition to dittoing EVERYTHING Cjane has stated one other thing leaps out to me:

YOU should not be going to counseling with the child. Hostile Aggressive Parenting? How about a father who has REFUSED to parent? That sounds more like that from what I have read. Dad did nothing until over involved stepmom decided she could "fix" things.

I was invited to go to the counseling sessions. So is the new stepdad. Child 1 acts out more towards the stepdad than he does with me.

Yes, I'm involved. This family buried their head for so long or kept believing kids would "outgrow" their behavior, and that is a chance in a million. I have a wide boundary set of what I get involved with and I did not force my husband to do anything. I do not discipline with the exception of having the kids go to their room if they are out of line and they wait for their dad. He doesnt know how to parent so I am helping him, I am not doing the work for him. He's also learning not to let the ex walk all over him OR the kids - but it's been a lot of work to get him to see the difference between a healthy relationship, and one that is "normal". I wouldnt be surprised if a professional would go as far as to say the Dad endured psychological abuse himself - abuse is not just reserved for women.

Dad is stepping up to the plate and in my opinion, that is better than never. Go ahead and judge him, or me, and let us be the bad guys. You are not in our shoes and I hope you never will be. The fact remains that Dad has gotten help - professional, and personal - on how to be a more active parent and he is taking those steps and no longer sticking his head in the sand.

Thank you for the time and the feedback.