Custodial parent refusing to work ..need help!

[Simba]

What is the name of your state? New Jersey

Hi, I am an engineer working in NJ. I'm going through a divorce currently caused by severe interference by my ex wife's father and family, and also because my ex wife always supported them over me. It got very bad to the point that her father and uncle came to my apartment 5 times to insult my parents and myself, and fight. My ex also abandoned my place November 2005 at the advise of her father who happens to be very rich and always boasted he could look after his daughter better. We have a daughter 4 months old, and now she wants child support. We are both computer science graduates, but I put her through cosmetology school also, so she has 2 degrees now.
I have no issues with looking after my child, but shouldn't the support payments be equal for both of us? The judge is not taking her computer science degree into acount because she has never bothered to work in that field.
How can I get her to work as well so that the support payment is equal for both? I undertand my child is still young and needs her mother at the moment, but my ex has no expenses, infact she is happy living lavishly in her father's house cost-free and with half of my money, although her father is a millionare and they are the cause of all this ...
I feel very used by these people, and now I have to pay to see my child, while my ex is sitting around waiting for money ... she has lots of women in that house to look after the baby if she worked.

Thanks in advance ...
Simba ...What is the name of your state?

 

[ceara19]

What is the name of your state? New Jersey

Hi, I am an engineer working in NJ. I'm going through a divorce currently caused by severe interference by my ex wife's father and family, and also because my ex wife always supported them over me. It got very bad to the point that her father and uncle came to my apartment 5 times to insult my parents and myself, and fight. My ex also abandoned my place November 2005 at the advise of her father who happens to be very rich and always boasted he could look after his daughter better. We have a daughter 4 months old, and now she wants child support. We are both computer science graduates, but I put her through cosmetology school also, so she has 2 degrees now.
I have no issues with looking after my child, but shouldn't the support payments be equal for both of us? The judge is not taking her computer science degree into acount because she has never bothered to work in that field.
How can I get her to work as well so that the support payment is equal for both? I undertand my child is still young and needs her mother at the moment, but my ex has no expenses, infact she is happy living lavishly in her father's house cost-free and with half of my money, although her father is a millionare and they are the cause of all this ...
I feel very used by these people, and now I have to pay to see my child, while my ex is sitting around waiting for money ... she has lots of women in that house to look after the baby if she worked.

Thanks in advance ...
Simba ...What is the name of your state?

If she has custody of the child, whio would she pay support to? If NJ figures child support using BOTH parents income, ask to have her income imputed to reflect what she COULD earn if she were working. There is no law that says a person MUST have a job, unless the person is a felon and working is a condition in their parole or probation.

You don't HAVE to work either, as long as you pay any child support that may be ordered.

 

[NotSoNew]

well according to advice i got here, she doesnt have to work, she provides non monetary support. she cares for the child, provides a roof over its head, takes her to drs appts, pays co pays etc. that is her share of the support.

 

[mb94]

If your wife did get a job (even with two degrees having no work experience means that she's going to have to start out at a little above minimum wage) then you would likely be asked to pay for half of the childcare expenses in addition to your support. So any reduction you might get by her working would be quickly taken away by those child care costs.

You need to get out of the "it's not fair" mindset. In any relationship it is never going to be exactly 50/50. And to be honest the court doesn't really care that it's totally fair. Just that the kid is being taken care of at least as well as he would have been if his parents had been mature enough to stay together. If you two were still married wouldn't you be paying more then you're paying now since you'd be supporting the wife as well as the kid?

 

[ceara19]

If your wife did get a job (even with two degrees having no work experience means that she's going to have to start out at a little above minimum wage) then you would likely be asked to pay for half of the childcare expenses in addition to your support. So any reduction you might get by her working would be quickly taken away by those child care costs.

You need to get out of the "it's not fair" mindset. In any relationship it is never going to be exactly 50/50. And to be honest the court doesn't really care that it's totally fair. Just that the kid is being taken care of at least as well as he would have been if his parents had been mature enough to stay together. If you two were still married wouldn't you be paying more then you're paying now since you'd be supporting the wife as well as the kid?

You can't say with any certainty WHAT she would earn. It all depends on what line of work she is in. There are MANY, MANY careers that pay well above minimum wage for entry level positions.

 

[Simba]

You can't say with any certainty WHAT she would earn. It all depends on what line of work she is in. There are MANY, MANY careers that pay well above minimum wage for entry level positions.

Thanks for all your replies ...

Even if my ex gets an entry level job in computers in NJ, she could start at approx. 60K which is good money.
mb94 pointed out that the court doesn't care about 50/50 - I am starting to see that.
However, if we were still together, the total cost of supporting her and the baby would not really be more. As a wife, she would still not have to worry about rent, or food .. household expenses are minor - we would not have to purchase two of anything, she would just use what I use, same car, food, etc, the rest are minor expenses. I already pay for both her's and the baby's health insurances, I never cancelled that.

I believe the courts usually quote unrealistic child support figures - not that I refuse to take care of my child. But it does promote the custodial spouse to not do any work at all.
My ex left to live with her father where she has no expense, not child care costs, etc ...
Whatever she gets in child support from me, who knows where it is going ..
I am fighting for joint physical and legal custody which is one way of bringing child support down to an affordable level.

My ex, for instance, once spoke of constructing a pool behind her rich father's house, and this would happen from half the assets she will get from me by court order. Is this fair? is this in the interest of the child? I would understand if she put the money in a trust fund for the child, and worked herself for a pool. This usually happens when free money comes by.
For a professional like myself, I understand the value of every dollar earned, just to see my hard earned money get wasted in this fashion is quite painful - but the courts do not see this.

I'm not sure where I am going with all this, but I feel the legal system in NJ, and perhaps the US in general, should look at every case in detail instead of applying standard unrealisic rules and judgements to every case. I have noticed that this adversely affects and restricts the non-custodial parent who the court has ordered to come up with acertain amount of child support "by any means" - which somehow is a contradiction in itself, if they restrict him/her.

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks for all your replies ...

Even if my ex gets an entry level job in computers in NJ, she could start at approx. 60K .

Complete and total BS....or living in fantasyland.

With the number of IT positions going overseas and the high competition in the US market for the IT jobs that remain its total BS to state that someone who has never actually worked in the IT field could easiliy get a job at 60k.

If you don't have an attorney you need to be hiring yourself one. NOW.

 

[Simba]

I forgot to add ....

I do believe that there are genuine divorced fathers and mothers who deserve help through child support, and these are cases where abuse, neglect, severe povery through no education, etc .. you know what I mean ... In these cases they can come up with higher figures of payment - this also serves as a punishment in a sense ...

But if the legal system takes cases one by one, and analyses what the REAL situation is on both sides, then they will be able to come up with a more realistic figure based on real needs. This will avoid choking the non-custodial parent and provide more freedom and ability to come up with the required child support money.

In NJ as I understand it, the non-custodial spouse can not live outside the school district of the child (correct me if I am wrong), what happens if the only job available is in NY?
If I am wrong, please guide me as to how I could get the freedom to live elsewhere for job purposes.

 

[eme76]

Thanks for all your replies ...

Even if my ex gets an entry level job in computers in NJ, she could start at approx. 60K which is good money.
mb94 pointed out that the court doesn't care about 50/50 - I am starting to see that.
However, if we were still together, the total cost of supporting her and the baby would not really be more. As a wife, she would still not have to worry about rent, or food .. household expenses are minor - we would not have to purchase two of anything, she would just use what I use, same car, food, etc, the rest are minor expenses. I already pay for both her's and the baby's health insurances, I never cancelled that.

you are such a sweet man

I believe the courts usually quote unrealistic child support figures - not that I refuse to take care of my child. But it does promote the custodial spouse to not do any work at all.
My ex left to live with her father where she has no expense, not child care costs, etc ...
Whatever she gets in child support from me, who knows where it is going ..
I am fighting for joint physical and legal custody which is one way of bringing child support down to an affordable level.

nice to know that you are fighting for the right reasons

My ex, for instance, once spoke of constructing a pool behind her rich father's house, and this would happen from half the assets she will get from me by court order. Is this fair? is this in the interest of the child? I would understand if she put the money in a trust fund for the child, and worked herself for a pool. This usually happens when free money comes by.
For a professional like myself, I understand the value of every dollar earned, just to see my hard earned money get wasted in this fashion is quite painful - but the courts do not see this.

cool...your child can learn to swim

I'm not sure where I am going with all this, but I feel the legal system in NJ, and perhaps the US in general, should look at every case in detail instead of applying standard unrealisic rules and judgements to every case. I have noticed that this adversely affects and restricts the non-custodial parent who the court has ordered to come up with acertain amount of child support "by any means" - which somehow is a contradiction in itself, if they restrict him/her.

i'm not sure where you are going either but i know i could NOT live off of the $137 my X is suposed to be paying....and i sure as sh*t couldnt take care of our daughter too

 

[Simba]

Complete and total BS....or living in fantasyland.

With the number of IT positions going overseas and the high competition in the US market for the IT jobs that remain its total BS to state that someone who has never actually worked in the IT field could easiliy get a job at 60k.

If you don't have an attorney you need to be hiring yourself one. NOW.

I am in the IT field myself for the past 10 years, and I have constantly studied the job market. If you really want to work, you can get that job at 60K starting.
Using the excuse of jobs getting outsourced is a lame excuse in my opinion .... but thats just me - the market has opened up my friend.

 

[CJane]

I forgot to add ....

I do believe that there are genuine divorced fathers and mothers who deserve help through child support, and these are cases where abuse, neglect, severe povery through no education, etc .. you know what I mean ... In these cases they can come up with higher figures of payment - this also serves as a punishment in a sense ...

But if the legal system takes cases one by one, and analyses what the REAL situation is on both sides, then they will be able to come up with a more realistic figure based on real needs. This will avoid choking the non-custodial parent and provide more freedom and ability to come up with the required child support money.

What crap. The 'real' situation is that you and her created that child, and you and her are responsible for raising that child. It doesn't matter how much money her family has, or where she's living, or whether or not she pays any rent at all. The CHILD still should be supported by BOTH parents. You insinuating that her parents should be financially responsible for the child is CRAZY.

In NJ as I understand it, the non-custodial spouse can not live outside the school district of the child (correct me if I am wrong), what happens if the only job available is in NY?

This is crap. It MIGHT apply in a 50/50 possession case, but not in ALL cases. And if the only job available is in NY, you commute. I thought that's what everyone did when they didn't live near where they worked. H*ll, I commuted 90 minutes each way for almost 2 years so I could both make decent money, and split custody with my ex.

If I am wrong, please guide me as to how I could get the freedom to live elsewhere for job purposes.

Hire an attorney.

 

[eme76]

In NJ as I understand it, the non-custodial spouse can not live outside the school district of the child (correct me if I am wrong), what happens if the only job available is in NY?
If I am wrong, please guide me as to how I could get the freedom to live elsewhere for job purposes.

sweety....honey....doll.....YOU can move anywhere you want to....of course you would have to make some changes to your visitation schedule

 

[Ithildriel]

I am in the IT field myself for the past 10 years, and I have constantly studied the job market. If you really want to work, you can get that job at 60K starting.
Using the excuse of jobs getting outsourced is a lame excuse in my opinion .... but thats just me - the market has opened up my friend.

Using the excuse that your wife's father is a millionaire so you shouldn't be responsible for child support is a lame excuse in my opinion...

That's the thing about opinions, everyone's got one.

 

[LdiJ]

I am in the IT field myself for the past 10 years, and I have constantly studied the job market. If you really want to work, you can get that job at 60K starting.
Using the excuse of jobs getting outsourced is a lame excuse in my opinion .... but thats just me - the market has opened up my friend.

Again...I will repeat...BS. Not just BS but grasping at straws. Your research will get you no where in a court of law without SOLID proof. If you think that a judge is going to believe that she can easily earn 60k when she has never worked in the field then you are truly living in fantasyland.

Dude...you are digging yourself a very deep hole here.

 

[Simba]

What crap. The 'real' situation is that you and her created that child, and you and her are responsible for raising that child. It doesn't matter how much money her family has, or where she's living, or whether or not she pays any rent at all. The CHILD still should be supported by BOTH parents. You insinuating that her parents should be financially responsible for the child is CRAZY.




This is crap. It MIGHT apply in a 50/50 possession case, but not in ALL cases. And if the only job available is in NY, you commute. I thought that's what everyone did when they didn't live near where they worked. H*ll, I commuted 90 minutes each way for almost 2 years so I could both make decent money, and split custody with my ex.



Hire an attorney.

You obviously misunderstood everything I said ...
The issue is not about NOT taking care of the child and sharing responsibilty - this is a given. The issue is about making the circumstances easier to pay the required amount ... and also if the job is not in NY, it may in CA, I'd like to see you commute to California from NJ every morning ...