Custodial parent terminally ill

[confusedagain12]

Did you consider she may be heavily medicated

If mother is terminally ill, I would assume she is medicated, possibly quite heavily. This could be effecting her rationality and depression could also be causing her to act defensive as well. When someone has a chronic and possibly terminal illness its not like they are going to be normal emotionally, there is no way they can.

As I said first she has the medications to deal with and then the depression that goes along with the realization that she could or may die. Then the fact that she's probably worried about the kids, feeling guilty about her past, who knows. She's probably regreting about a hundred things she wishes she could change that she did wrong.

Give the woman a break, once she's dead and gone you'll be proud of yourself. And if you don't you could end up feeling guilty and never be able to fix it or say you are sorry and that could haunt you for a very long time.

 

[beenthere30]

While all of these responses could be what is going on with the biomom sometimes even mean, hateful, mean spirited people die. Yes everyone wants to assume the best of people who are dying and say ohhh that poor person( which yes is a lot of times the case) How do any of you know that this step mom isnt giving an accurate picture of the biomom? We dont know the bio mom she really could be a witch before being diagnosed and after. Just a thought.

 

[haiku]

While all of these responses could be what is going on with the biomom sometimes even mean, hateful, mean spirited people die. Yes everyone wants to assume the best of people who are dying and say ohhh that poor person( which yes is a lot of times the case) How do any of you know that this step mom isnt giving an accurate picture of the biomom? We dont know the bio mom she really could be a witch before being diagnosed and after. Just a thought.

Good God! does any of that really matter anymore?....its not important anymore when someone is going to die. Won't matter much anymore when they are gone...... Bitch or Saint, what important is who YOU are.

its these threads that remind me life is to short to waste on alot of the things people seem to worry about here........

 

[JulieHun]

Just my Opinion..

Honestly, I think its sad, she is dying...
I think your husband and his ex, need to spend some time together, for there sake and for the kids sake..
Like your husband could arrange to go talk with her, over "nothing" just sit down and talk..that would be pretty awesome, and the kids would love it, and it will mean the world to them someday! Seeing dad, take the time, and go talk to mom, not worry bout the kids and custody and all that stuff.
It will keep you on the sidelines (where you need to be) and it will show the kids, that neither of you are trying to take over, just help and be a friend.
This would be AWESOME!!!
And then see where it goes from there, let the bond begin.

 

[beenthere30]

It DOES matter in this situation because the step mom is trying to provide a stable home for this child along with the father and she is getting ragged on about how could she say mean things about a dying woman. Well sheesh if the woman has lived her life as a witch and has put her children through selfish motives then the child now deserves for a stable home. This poster has recieved a little legal advice but mostly has been attacked because she painted a less the perfect picture of biomom. Well maybe it was an accurate picture and now her and her husband need LEGAL advice about what to do.

 

[haiku]

It DOES matter in this situation because the step mom is trying to provide a stable home for this child along with the father and she is getting ragged on about how could she say mean things about a dying woman. Well sheesh if the woman has lived her life as a witch and has put her children through selfish motives then the child now deserves for a stable home. This poster has recieved a little legal advice but mostly has been attacked because she painted a less the perfect picture of biomom. Well maybe it was an accurate picture and now her and her husband need LEGAL advice about what to do.

well lets look at it another way.....

how long has mom had custody? Why is it only now when mom is terminal that step mom is interested in taking the kids?

there are ways to help a dying women besides making it a be all and end all situation.

honestly all of us have our "bitches" and '*******s" to deal with, (and one persons *******, is another persons beloved husband...itsall subjective) thats usually why we are here. But bitching about them is not the healthy way to go about it, won't change anything, and makes you as good as they are. Mean or nice, the law really does not care, and as long as that woman is alive, and the court order says so, she currently has custody, and it is her right to be as bitchy as she wants to be.

fact is, once she is dead.......Dad will get his custody.

 

[beenthere30]

Ok good points. I don't really care how this step mom feels quite honestly. I am taking her word for it that the step son likes it where he is and is thriving being with dad. Do I think anyone should alienate him from his mother heck no! But if he is trully doing better where he is and is happy I hope nothing interferes with that.

 

[stealth2]

At the end of the day, regardless of how good or horrid she's been, this IS the children's mother. Regardless of what they say about her, what mixed feelings they may have about things she's done, there is going to be some emotion in them regarding her situation and eventual passing. How they see Dad and stepMom dealing with the entire situation will stay with them, and will color the relationship they have with both Dad & stepMom. I'd urge both of those parties to think carefully of what message they want to send to these young men.

 

[beenthere30]

Well I was going under the assumption that the child was not hearing any of these negative words about his mom or feeling a bad "vibe". There are times when my ex can drive me insane but my children have never and will never know those feelings. He is their father and just as I adored my father I want them to adore theirs. I am hoping dad and step mom are doing the same.

 

[LdiJ]

At the end of the day, regardless of how good or horrid she's been, this IS the children's mother. Regardless of what they say about her, what mixed feelings they may have about things she's done, there is going to be some emotion in them regarding her situation and eventual passing. How they see Dad and stepMom dealing with the entire situation will stay with them, and will color the relationship they have with both Dad & stepMom. I'd urge both of those parties to think carefully of what message they want to send to these young men.

You GO girl...that is honestly the best answer of them all. There is no "perfect" way to deal with this situation. Everyone in the end is going to have to answer to "higher powers"....even if those higher powers are nothing more than their own sense of "right or wrong"...not least the kids.

 

[tigger22472]

I think one thing being lost here is that this is not a small child we are talking about. The children are 18 and 15 and I'm going to assume the 18 yr old is still in school but is 18 none the less. At 15 this is not a child that can not do for themselves. What this means is that as in all cases you have to prove a parent to be unfit, but in this case it would be even more important. I realize her hospital stays and what not are hard on the child and as awful as it sounds it's just something they will have to deal with. Their mother is dying, no matter how you coat it or try to walk around it these kids WILL be affected. OP do you really want to spend MORE money going into court, risking the long term effects this could have on the chilren as they will remember how their mother spent her last days fighting in court, all for something that more sooner then later is going to happen anyways? You are better off keeping your mouths shut. Letting things be the way they are and just dealing with it. Help the children not only deal with it but have as much time with their mother as she has left. Now is the time to stop thinking about al the past issues...Since you sound so heartless here look at it this way, soon enough you and your husband will win... and it can be done without causing more stress. I might add that I PERSONALLY don't see anyone being a winner.. just going by your attitude.

 

[MommaOf4]

how about a new view?
be nice. Put yourself in moms position.
She didnt want kids to call dad as she was afraid of losing the only things she had left. You said she has no income, obviously, if shes terminal and that sick, she cant work. She doesnt even have her health or life anymore, all she has is the kids. doesnt sound like she has family, or they dont care. Possibly kids were acting out because their mother is dying.
Help the kids by helping their mother. Instead of trying to take the only thing she has left in the world, try making her last little time as nice as possible. She didnt make good choices for her kids, I agree. BUt, on the other hand, with all that is going on, was she REALLY thinking with a clear head on the issues. The ONLY thing on her mind was "im dying, I have nothing, and now Im not even going to have my kids".
Dad will get custody soon enough, when she passes. The kids will be with you soon enough, for good. You want them happy they got to spend the last times with their mom happily, or you want them resentful that you interfered in the only times they had left? This has potential to bite you in the behind, if not handled carefully. Let the kids stay with you without all this filing, motions etc. But make sure mom and kids know you are not interfering in their last short time together and you will do anything she wants regarding seeing her kids and making sure they get there when she is available.
Pretend it is you HUSBAND (the kids' father) in this position, and treat her the same way, whether or not she deserves it. After mom dies, they arent going to remember the vomiting, the illness, and the cleaning up etc. they will remember you interfering in the last little time mom had on this earth.
Be nice and have a heart. The woman is dying.
only MHO

You said everything I wanted to say when I read this. She is right, be careful, the kids will resent you for taking them away from their mom. Sounds like the youngest will be with you soon enough, the worst that you could do is make thier last memories of their mom bad by putting them through a custody battle. Just wait and be there for them, they are going to need it. Losing a mom at any age would be bad enough, but for a kid, it will be devistating. Make it as easy on them as possible, and just be there for them financially (so they are not worrying about that) and emotionally. Best of luck to you.

 

[MommaOf4]

She has never said she wanted the children to return so she could have more time -- she has said as long as the income is coming in she deosn't care where they live.
.

If this is the case, and some people will think this is wrong (but everyone has their own opinion) I would continue to pay, and if your step son wants to continue living with you, then do that. If it is just the money she is after, if you continue paying, she should be fine with where he is at.

 

[MommaOf4]

She will not even give him her SS number so he can apply for school loans and financing.
\.

If your husband and her were married to her before, he should be able to get her social from their past tax records, that way he will be able to get financial aid. I feel sorry for everyone in this situation, the more I read, the more painful the picture looks,
Best of luck