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custodial parent wants to stop working

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mcwildman

Guest
Hi from Illinois. My husband and I have been paying child support to a woman with whom he had a "one night stand" 7 years ago. The mother lived at home with her parents and her son for 5 1/2 years after her son's birth while collecting our money, buying a new car and remodeling a house. She received grant money to help pay for his daycare despite the $400 a month she received from us. Two years ago, she took us back to court and had the amount raised to $600 per month - her explanation was that she "is entitled to do so every 3 years.". She moved out of her parents house in November 2001 and within 3 months her current boyfriend moved in with her and her son.
I've received information that she is now considering quitting her job at a local daycare facility to stay at home and possibly only watch children before and after school during the school year at a rate of $50 per week per child, in able to spend more time with her son.
From everything I've read, my husband would not be able to quit his job and do home daycare in order to spend more time with our daughters as he has an "obligation" to support this other child. I'm just curious if she can get away with this? Doesn't she have as much responsibility to support her son as we do?
Thank you.
 


usmcfamily

Senior Member
This is complicated and simple all at the same time -- she is "allowed" to do whatever she pleases as long as she is still able to provide for her child whatever the child support cannot (holding up HER end of the parental obligation). And, actually, so long as your DH were able to still provide his portion of the financial support he COULD quit and work at home -- the only time he wouldn't be "allowed" to is if doing so would mean he would no longer provide for the child. So, the "simple" answer is that yes, she can do this. The "complicated" part is that she can ONLY do so as long as she is able to do so and still provide for her child above and beyond the child support provisions paid by your husband every month (ie they would not be happy if she were to quit to go on welfare - would in fact work to get her BACK into some form of income earning position). To go back to the situation at hand -- it sounds as though her BF is willing to support her and the child so that she can stay home -- were you willing to do the same (and would swear to this in court that you would pay your DH's support for him - providing proof of your ability to do so) for your DH the court wouldn't/couldn't stop him-- they really don't care WHERE the money comes from as long as it goes from point a (the ncp) to point b (the cp) each month at the appointed day.
As far as the modification -- her justification may not have been stated to you in the nicest of ways but it is actually how the system is set up.......there are provisions made in each state for periodic "reviews" which can be requested that will adjust the amount of child support because it is the assumption of the system that the parent's would have, in that time, had the opportunity to have received raises and therefor making more are obligated to provide more for the child........granted to do it "just because she can" may not endear her to you it is exactly how the system is supposed to work in that as a parent is able to provide more they are obligated to provide more......I hope that this is making some sense as I am trying to find the most understandable way to explain it -- I think a lot of the frustration in the CS world is not understanding the "why's" of things.......:)
Anyway........I'm not sure I've done much for explaining things to you as I am thinking more than anything you likely just needed to vent about the frustrations we all go through in dealing with the wonderful world of custody and child support but I hope I might have said at least something that made sense..........
 

karma1

Senior Member
some thoughts....

I know there is probably more to this than you had time to post but-
having worked in daycare/preschool/after school programs, myself...
if she is working in this type of facility, most offer the employees either discounted or free care for their own child-so, why is she paying for care, (even if under a tuition grant)-when her employer may offer this discount or free service?
if she is employed as a before/after school teacher-which may be the case, again, it is highly likely she can bring her own child there for free or at a reduced rate-therefore, working, but spending time with her child...it happens all the time since daycare workers are really not paid a lot, so they offer insentives like free care for their own child....
I guess what I am saying is, if she is reducing her hours to be with the child, there are other choices-this sounds like a "voluntary" reducing employment on her part.....
 
M

mcwildman

Guest
Hi. Thank you for the replies. Yes, I'm venting some frustrations, but I also truly wonder, at one point, this all becomes "fair."
This child has never wanted anything to do with us. Living with his mother and grandparents for 5 1/2 years, he has everything he wants - toys, clothes, games, etc. - and has always been quick to point that out to us. We have tried to be a part of his life despite him saying he doesn't want to come here and despite the criticisms we have received from his mother and grandmother for various things.
The grandmother provided free day care for the first 3 years, then when he started to go full-time to the day care where his mother worked, she did receive a discount for his tuition. In the petition to modify support, we were disgusted to learn that she received a reduced rate from $100 to $70 per week and that a local agency paid $50 of that. So, basically, she was living with her parents and, in the petition, stated that they were providing them both with clothing, food, etc. She was getting $400 a month from us and, now, $600 per month for $20 a week in day care expenses.
I'm so frustrated at all of these laws they pass for "deadbeat dads" and those who don't provide support for their children. There is no equality in this system. We have never missed a week of child support. Even though we don't agree that we should be paying this much money for a child who totals maybe a third of that amount in expenses per month, we know it is our obligation to make sure he has a good life, just as our daughters do. It just doesn't seem fair that we never get a break, that I have to have a pit in my stomach EVERY SINGLE DAY that I go to the mailbox, wondering if there will be another petition or letter from her lawyer.
Thank you for allowing me to get this mess out of my system. I love Sundays because there is no mail!
 
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qtpie

Guest
The sad thing is that the CP can do whatever they want pretty much. They know this, and they use it to their advantage. They can take the NCP back to Court for increases every 1-3 years, and they don't have to show any accountability for how the CS gets spent. CP's can/do withhold visitation. CP's can use the NCP as nothing but an ATM machine, and it's legal. To fight it, the NCP has to spend MORE money (that they probably don't have) to fight. What's the point?

Here's my advice. Take it for what it's worth. We've been dealing with this crap for about 8 years now, and in that time, we've learned how to deal with the money-grubbing CP. Pay and do ONLY what the NCP is Court Ordered to. Don't give anything more. But nothing LESS either. I'd send a b-day or Christmas card, but no money. If the CP calls up and says she needs help buying "little Johnny's" baseball uniform, tell her "tough!" That is what the CS is for. If your DH does want to send any money for b-day or Christmas gifts or whatever, send it through the child support office. It gets recorded that way. CP gets the money, but NCP gets the credit.

And the next time CP gets the bright idea to haul you back in for more CS, make the Court impute her income as to what she is "capable" of making--if it's possible. Educate yourself on the support guidelines for your state.
 

karma1

Senior Member
qtpie.....

interesting idea you have there-sending any gift money through CSE office-
Have you done this? I know you can always send extra money to CSE-but how or what do you say to the child then? Something like "I sent extra money for your bday to the CSE office so you'll be getting it when BM gets her check?"
I kind of like this idea, too, because it takes any chance of the child not receiving the gift money directly-of course, the BM could always say it never came, but I am assuming if you send extra cash, you get a receipt?
 
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mcwildman

Guest
qtpie

Thanks for your support and advice. Unfortunate as it is, it is comforting to know we're not alone in this fight against unfair matters.
Also unfortunate is the fact that I've become too aware of what the state's guidelines are. I've even bookmarked the State of Illinois website and every month I check to see if there is any pending legislation concerning child support.
What's really sickening is the lifestyle this woman has led for the past 6 years. She continually received federal grant money to continue her education for 6 years, but still hasn't obtained even a two-year degree. She bought a brand new car and paid for it within 2 years, continues to wear the "latest" styles of clothing, has her nails professionally done and her hair frosted every month and fully remodeled a house before she would even consider moving into it.
Plus, she didn't learn from her mistake the first time and actually got pregnant again. Of course, the father of that child only made $7.00 an hour at a factory and most likely would not have been able to support her way of life, so she aborted that child. Despite all of this, she is quick to point out to everyone around her how none of us "know what it's like to be a single mom." !!!!!
Oh, it feels so good to write all of this out to people who will "listen" and understand. This has been such a nightmare and it's comforting to know that we're not alone.
Thank you again.
 
Q

qtpie

Guest
lovingwife

Yes. We have done this mainly because of all the times we sent the SD checks for Christmas or Birthday, she never once endorsed them herself (so we didn't know if she even KNEW we sent her money) nor did she even bother to call or write to say "thank you" or "kiss my a$$" if she DID receive the money herself. On top of that, SD has become so PAS'd that she has refused to have a relationship with my DH for over 4 years now.

With that being said, we no longer send ANYTHING extra and since she refuses to acknowledge my DH's existance, there is no need to offer her any explanation.

SD and the CP (custodial parasite) can bite me!
(Sorry. I'm in a mood today!)
 

karma1

Senior Member
I wonder about something.....

regarding saying thank you and being polite....
As a child, I had a grandmother who always sent things for bdays, xmas, graduation, etc...(she was not really a part of my life and I think I saw her once every other year)
my mother always made me sit down and write a thank you note (this was before the internet and we were so poor at one time, no phone either)-
this habbit stuck with me as an adult-I always hand write thank yous for anything people do/send me-
Why has the word thank you become so politically incorect these days???? If you teach a child from an early age (like I was) that the fact that someone has taken the time to think about you and send you something (even if it is something you don't like or want), and teach them the value of this-this teaches them integrity and the value of being a good person...
JMO-
 

usmcfamily

Senior Member
Lovingwife ~~
Sadly common courtesy is quickly becoming a thing of the past -- with the recent surge of "me generations" it may soon be extinct! My daughter was taught please and thank you as soon as she coudl say the words -- by the age of three she ALWAYS used them at the appropriate times without prompting on my part. I have received many compliments on her behavior and manners -- and to me that is surprising because I was raised in the thought that that was to be EXPECTED of children. Recently I read an article by "experts" that stated that to expect a child less than 5 years old to use basic manners such as "please and thank you and excuse me" was unrealistic...........THAT is what has happened to manners -- parents are now being told that they are asking too much of children if they expect them to have any! Sad, sad, sad - and imagine another generation from now what it will be like.............
 

karma1

Senior Member
just another comment....

I teach all different age groups via substitute teaching-
I love going back to the Christian preschool I used to work at full time because I hear all the time, "please, thank you, etc...."
when I go to public schools, I have to remind the kids constantly about this...I insist on it.
I know a certain set of grandparents that never hear thank you for anything- (it still only costs $.34 for a stamp, right?)well, they are very hurt and I believe, will not send any more gifts or anything-
I guess you could blame the parent for not teaching the children these common manners-but, at what point do you say the child is old enough to make this decision to not acknowledge good things coming to them from others? At what point do you hold the child responsible?
 

usmcfamily

Senior Member
You have a point but unfortunately for the most part in today's society the answer is NEVER -- seems no one is held responsible for ANYTHING anymore -- just go get a therapist to help you blame someone else (no offense to those having therapists -- I saw one in my teens after my parent's divorce so I know what a good service they CAN provide but today it seems they are more of an excuse factory than anything else -- teaching people to blame everyone but themselves........jmo)
 

Grace_Adler

Senior Member
I was wondering about sending that gift money through CSE. How does that work? All payments here are sent to one centralized collections dept at the state capital. From what I understand whatever extra money there is in the account is not sent to the CP. They only get what the court order specifies...no more no less..any extra just rolls over and the NCP is given credit for it. Do you have to contact the office or something and let them know? Even so I'm not sure they will do it because the system is set up to send a certain payment monthly.
 

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