Custody

[Frankie09]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana
My daughter will be 16 in June. Her dad picked her up on my day last week because she and I had an argument. Now she is saying she doesn't want to come back here. He has her convinced that it's her choice. Our decree states that he has her 7 days and then I do. However we've been doing he has her tues and Thursday and every other weekend I have her Monday and Wednesday and every other weekend. However, he rarely actually keeps her because he lives 36 minutes from her school friends and work. A Lot of "his" nights she spends with his mom or his sister. I'm indecisive as what to do because so often I've heard that at this age the courts allow them to make their own decision. On the other hand the message this is sending to her is that she gets whatever she wants. And...he cannot keep her everyday anyway because he has to have so much help getting her to and from school.
Any words of wisdom?

 

[single317dad]

It's not her choice.

The wishes of children age 14 and up are given some weight in custody determinations in Indiana, but that still does not equate to her making the decision. The decision is up to the judge unless you and Dad can agree on your own.

First, in order to even have a valid action for change in custody arrangements, Dad would have to demonstrate a change in circumstance in the child's life sufficient to warrant a change. This also unless the two of you agree in which case that requirement can be waived.

 

[Frankie09]

re: custody

thank you, everyone is telling me that I am going to push her away by filing a motion to adhere to the divorce decree. As of right now she has been gone for one week and her dad is telling me that he isn't going to make her come here because she has said that she is unhappy here. I'm torn right now because obviously I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to let her go. I feel as though the message being sent to her here is that she can do whatever she wants.

 

[cheesecake46580]

thank you, everyone is telling me that I am going to push her away by filing a motion to adhere to the divorce decree. As of right now she has been gone for one week and her dad is telling me that he isn't going to make her come here because she has said that she is unhappy here. I'm torn right now because obviously I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to let her go. I feel as though the message being sent to her here is that she can do whatever she wants.

I agree with what you are saying and have raised 2 teens and currently have 2 tweens. I would make an appointment for counseling first of all second of all get a route-en with visitation established go back to the current order until u decide for sure if you indeed need to make a change. Document when she stays else ware than dads. And for heaven sake don't let her call the shots or you are going to have a long 2 years until she turns 18. I a similar situation with my 22 year old when she was 15 and 6 visits to the counselors office and it was figured out it was a power game to manipulate so she could get what she wanted. Not saying that is the case but something to think about. I would also have a discussion with her about if she wants to make adult decisions and you to respect them she needs to act like an adult and sit down and talk about all of this with you. Good luck to you!

 

[Frankie09]

I agree with what you are saying and have raised 2 teens and currently have 2 tweens. I would make an appointment for counseling first of all second of all get a route-en with visitation established go back to the current order until u decide for sure if you indeed need to make a change. Document when she stays else ware than dads. And for heaven sake don't let her call the shots or you are going to have a long 2 years until she turns 18. I a similar situation with my 22 year old when she was 15 and 6 visits to the counselors office and it was figured out it was a power game to manipulate so she could get what she wanted. Not saying that is the case but something to think about. I would also have a discussion with her about if she wants to make adult decisions and you to respect them she needs to act like an adult and sit down and talk about all of this with you. Good luck to you!

I thought it was strange how suddenly she started hating me but after talking to her on Thursday I realize that I am being bad mouthed and she's being led to believe that I'm bad. She now speaks so horribly to me. She continually says that she has no respect for me. She won't even call me mom. She is saying that she doesn't want to come to my house anymore. She just wants me to pick her up sometimes and go eat or something. It is taking all of my strength to not reach out to her but after Thursday and seeing her treat me like that face to face I'm really not sure what to do. I do have another daughter, marriage, jobs, house, etc..and I feel like I'm giving all of my everything to the situation with her.

 

[stealth2]

Sounds like she's looking for some one-on-one attention...

 

[cheesecake46580]

Sounds like she's looking for some one-on-one attention...

I agree with this. Why not plan for you to to go on a mini vacation over a weekend for some one on one time. Drop the discussion and just have some fun with her. Then when you to are calm approach her just say hey Daughter I know things have been out of sorts lately and I would like to wipe the slate clean and for you to come home. I would like for you to talk to me and let me know what is bothering you so we can work this out there is nothing you could ever do to make me not love you. This is an open discussion and I want you to be honest with me and no one will get in trouble for being honest about there feelings. I also encourage counseling as well if some PAS is going on that will be very important.

 

[stealth2]

I do have another daughter, marriage, jobs, house, etc..and I feel like I'm giving all of my everything to the situation with her.

And she may feel you're giving all of your everything to everyone/thing else but her. 16 is a tricky age - nearly an adult, but still a child in many ways. Plan some activities for just the two of you (I wouldn't jump right into a weekend away) - a meal out, a mani/pedi, some activity that she specifically enjoys (doesn't matter if it's your thing or not - learn to enjoy it), maybe suggest a class you could take together (something neither of you know a lot about), etc. Now is the time to build the relationship you would like to have with your adult daughter.

Honestly, I suspect that this is less of a Dad problem than of a Mom stretched in too many directions/resentful daughter problem. Consider how to reset your priorities.

 

[STEPHAN]

Come on, she is a teenager. What do you expect? I don't think this has much to do with dad.

You will have to invest some time. Force will not do anything. Don't force her home. Go and have a coffee (etc) with her. Listen to her for a while. Find out what is bothering her. Be a true mom. I am sure you do a lot of good things, too.