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Custody/Can it be forced??

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Bruno6301

Member
I have a question...Can my husband's exwife make him take back the 3 kids they have?? Can the State of New Jersey force my husband to take back the kids? She (ex-wife) has full custody and threatens all the time to "bring them back here"...I am sorry to say this, but we do not want custody again..Very Long story, please don't judge us until the whole story is told. These "children" dont want to live with us, and we dont want custody. In fact, my husband and I will divorce if the State of New Jersey makes him take custody.....Can the state do this???? Thank you.....Need some info asap.:confused:
 


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hisdaddy

Guest
I do not think that the state can FORCE custody on someone. However, what happens to these children if NO ONE wants them, not even mom? Are the bio parents just going to let them go to a family member or foster care, possibly get split up and feel as if NO ONE cares about them? Sorry, but you yourself should have no say so in the matter, nor should you threaten to divorce your husband if he were to have HIS children come back to live with him. No matter what has happened with these kids, how their behavior toward you all has been, etc. both parents have a responsibility to take care of the children that would not be here if it wasn't for your husband (and her). They did not ask to come to Earth, so what ever your husband wants to do, let him choose. Do not interfere, Persuade or threaten him or make him choose his kids or his new wife. They were in the picture before you were and they do not come with a return reciept. You need to step back. Actually, if you are going to threaten him and cause him to choose, maybe it would be best that you leave. You married a man who you knew had kids. Did you ever think about the possibilty that maybe one day those children would want to live with their father or would have to? He is the other parent. Females are NOT the only gender who have a responsibility to be the care taker of the children. Your husband can't just send her a paycheck and you all expect him not to have a part in all of this. My son has a very bad mental disorder called bipolar disorder. If his mother wanted me to take him I would do it and wouldn't think twice. And my wife would support me. She knew what she was doing when she married me, thought it through thoroughly. And I am glad that I have found someone who is happy to accept me AND MY SON. Sounds like you didn't think it through. If you won't support your husband and his kids, leave. You are only causing strain on his relationsip with his children & you yourself are not going to be a happy person. However, you are not the person's feelings who should be considered here. You had a choice in this relationship. They didn't have a choice. They are CHILDREN. Be a supportive wife, or do them all a favor and get out of it now and marry a man with no children next time. Remember that it is not your choice. It may be your house, but you welcomed the kids into your home & life as soon as he put that ring on your finger. Be a rational person here! :mad:
 
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haiku

Senior Member
I am not going to judge YOU, you are not these kids parent. you cant MAKE these parents do anything they dont want to do....

I am not even going to judge thier PARENTS. Why waste my time.

Unwanted children become wards of the state, and end up in foster care. older children and children with emotional problems dont usually get adopted. some do all right others don't.

How sad they brought THREE unwanted children into the world. one is too many....My heart goes out to them.....
 

Bruno6301

Member
Well, it figures, I get body slammed on here for asking a question..Obviously "hisdaddy" is one perfect person....I asked not to be judged until the story was heard, and that is what I got. First of all I WILL have a say as to how my life is affected by these children. I am the one who had a miscarriage that was so bad that I almost bled to death. I AM THE ONE. who eyes wide open, married this man in good faith that I could love them and try to make a family unit with them...HE does not want custody again for many reasons....They yell at him and curse him and take into account they are only kids, and they have lied on him to the point of his job being almost in trouble. They nearly destroyed our home, cost me my job, made my life a living hell because all they wanted was their mother, and Thank God, I was able to have a child of our own after surgery. My doctor found NO medical reasons as to why I should have miscarried in my 4th month of pregnancy. When I told the Dr. what my life was like, he was actually on my side, and said to me that stress and being overworked was the inital cause. Those "children" are violent, abusive, and downright mean to anyone. Yet I am not supposed to be involved>??? Hell with that. I am staying married because my husband loves me...I am NOT going to have my son hit, and attacked just because of them. HIS life is not going to be hell like mine was. MY husband does not want custody for many reasons, and most of them are personal, I only asked a simple question, and was attacked. Neither one of us appreciated that. I DONT DESERVE to live in hell, when my only crime was loving my husband. Now we have a child, and I will not allow him to suffer as I did. My family does not blame me for the way I feel and nor do many others. these three "children" are not going to take my life literally, as I had at one time thought of dying. I now have my life and my sanity back, and thank God, carried a successful pregnancy, and I won't lose it a second time. Kudos to you hisdaddy for being what most of us aren't....."perfect"
 

tammy8

Senior Member
I think that you may have missed hisdaddy's point. If I am wrong hisdaddy step in but so many Daddy's out here would love to raise their children and when our families are fighting for our kids its so frustrating to see a Daddy that is given the opportunioty and doesn't take it to raise his kids. Are these kids in counseling? If not then why? If they are young they may be able to be saved. If not then we are going to have 3 more criminals in our society soon. Don't take it personally what is said because it is just the facts. Sorry but a lot of us will not agree to just throw away kids:mad: . Especially when so many of us want our (step)kids in our lives:confused:
 
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txkowgirl6

Guest
Bruno, the people that replied were only feeling for the children as they do their own. It is such a pity that they have to suffer for parents not teaching them to be mannerly, respectful and a normal part of society. The truth is there are many of these poor neglected ones out there, but I can fully understand your reluctance to accept them into your home if they are anything like my SS. I'll get bashed for this too but he will never step foot in my home or any of my families homes again. His Mother did everything in her power to make this child worthless, he didn't do it himself. She also made it impossible for us to try to help him and we did try very hard for 8 years. We offered to pay for the psychiatric treatment, I offered to drive him and work with him. We kept him for long periods of time and got him straightened out only to have her take him back and screw him up worse. He is a danger to my other children, my family, friends and even pets. So I totally understand your position. My husband, bless him is in total agreement and knows that for the protection of our children, that son will not be allowed anywhere close unless he is totally cleared by a psychiatrist. His Mother won't allow anything of the sort because it might look bad on her. So be it, she can deal with it and yes he will I'm sure become a danger and burden to society.
 
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hisdaddy

Guest
Hey "Bruno"!
You are not sympathzing with these children AT ALL. No one wants them OBVIOUSLY, they have suffered from not having BOTH parents together, and they are now not accepted by you either. You aren't getting "attacked" (give me a break, don't be so dramatic) but if you don't like his children, you are going to be miserable, make them miserable, make your husband miserable, what a relationship that's going to be! If your husband can't handle his kids, he should have never had them. Instead of turning his back on them, he should be helping his children. They should come before EVERYONE else. Would you want him turning his back on your child if you were to get divorced one day? You can say what you want to, but if you were in that position you would be all for your child. What has happened between you and your husband is irrelevant. You all are adults and can handle things better than a child. They are far more fragile. What happens now with their relationships with family will effect the rest of their lives. Sounds to me like they are indirectly crying out for help. A child who screams, hits, is violent, screams obscenities, needs some help and you all are ignoring that. Instead you are pushing them away and abandoning them. They have no one to turn to and are going to get worse. Sorry, I am all for the children. Do you expect them to act normal if their parents just turn their heads on them. It will only get worse if this continues. Hmmmm. Maybe I will change my User ID. "Perfectdaddy"...has a nice ring to it! Thanks for the compliment!! And for your own sake..... RELAX, it does a body good!
 
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qi_boch

Guest
To the point...

At what age is a child considered beyond help, when he has murdered someone? I can understand her point at protecting her child, at the same time I am feeling sad for these children. Obviously they need counseling, if they are not already attending, but we don't know the whole situation and it is wrong to pass judgement. How much emotionally is enough? I would suggest to have the children placed with foster care long enough to establish a strengthened awareness with psychiatric evaluation, be involved, but at the same time, don't let these children rule you. Let the children know that they are wanted, if they behave normally and naturally, strengthen those bonds, show them that their behavior isn't right. If all else fails, then maybe they would have to go permanently into adoptive/foster services. I know of a child of 13 who ran away from her home and went to live with her boyfriend in his closet, for over 6 months she was there. Finally services found her and she was turned over to a grandfather home for children, since she went there her life has changed immensely, they have cared for her, counseled her, and they released her back into the care of the boyfriend's parents, she is now 17 and flourishing. The boyfriend and her are together, but in only normal ways, there is no sexual activity and protective services check in on her once a week. She has regular scheduled pap smears to make sure that she is doing fine. She just recently was accepted into college. All situations are different, not all children are the same..just an opinion, hope it helps.
 
C

CausmicEye

Guest
I understand, I hurt, but I love it...

I understand all of your views, and they are all valid. I'm quite certain that I do NOT know a fraction of the circumstances that you are in with these children, and I will not judge you. I love you because you are making an effort here to resolve these issues rationally. Your feelings are very valid here, just as your husband's and his children, and even his ex-wife's feelings. I have two children, and they put me through hell, and it pisses me off. They also put me through heaven, and I love it. If I could afford it, I would take every child in the world that was not wanted and give them the childhood that they deserve. Unfortunately for me and them, I cannot. I can barely support my own, and sometimes my children jeopardize that effort by their own selfish impulses, and stingy habits.

However, I am learning that, as hard as it may be to accept it in the minds of parents in our society, I have to be firm, and sadly, down right harsh with them when they get out of control. NO, I don't spank them. I use simple things like, time-out by giving three counts to change a behavior before they go in time-out. If they are physically violent, I will raise my voice harshly to stop it, and it's automatic time-out 10 to 15 mins. 5 mins time-out for non-violent disrespectful or disruptive behavior. I do not consider joy and excitement disruptive behavior, unless they refuse to take it to another location upon order. Always a three count to stop what they are doing, except for physically violent behavior. If they throw disruptive fits in time-out that affect anyone elses enjoyment of home, then 5 mins get added until they comply. If they do a quiet time-out for fifteen minutes when they have had more than that to do, then I will usually let them out before doing all of it.

If my personal power, work schedules, or other schedules do not make it feasible to utilize time-out with them, then I will threaten, and/or use the LAW against them to force self-control compliance. It is not wrong to do so, and no child on this planet has the right to abuse parents, just as none of the rest of us have any right to abuse each other. Call the cops, and have their asses arrested or threatened to be arrested, if it's that bad. This is not an act of hate, anger, or violence against them, it is the NECESSARY LESSON they have to learn that they have !!!NO RIGHT!!! to behave that way PERIOD!!! This IS an act of LOVE. They need this lesson badly. I have fewer problems with my children now as a result of this way of handling them. They have to learn that since child rights are emerging, parent's rights are not disappearing. At least, I hope our Judges don't go this way, otherwise our children will fall hopelessly out of control in this country.

I leave this message to you with love
 

Bruno6301

Member
I guess I need to now add more to my story...I am not being overly dramatic, but understand, I have been through so much. And from what I am seeing now in my life, it will not end. My husband is not the innocent here...When those children were with their mother the first time, she had a boyfriend who was abusive and did drugs...The children witnessed too much, this I can feel so sorry for them for. Easily.. I met my husband, and he told me he had 3 kids, and I was happy. I asked to see pictures of them, and I dreamt of what we could do all together as a family...Their mother had a no contact order against her because of the abuse and the served time in jail as well. I met with her because I believed even though circumstances were as they were, she had the right to know the woman who would be raising her kids. I liked her. Yes, I did. My husband told me not to trust her, not to believe a word she said.....He did not want me having a relationship with her. at all.....I hugged her, and I told her that I believed she deserved a second chance with her kids if she loved them...... Well, I married my husband, and I took care of all three children and gave them my heart. They were ok with me, but always attacked and verbally abused my husband. It was so bad to the point of near violence. I begged my husband to control them, and to help me. I ended up miscarrying our child at 4 months pregnant. I nearly bled to death in our driveway on a Saturday afternoon, and was rushed to the hospital where I had to have surgery. It was all caused from too much stress, and being overworked, and my doctor said there was no medical cause for that to happen. Since then, I have had a successful pregnancy, and recently gave birth. And it's looking like I am possible pregnant again. This I welcome. My husband is estatic. These kids are in counseling and have been for some time. They are still violent, abusive, unruly and so undisciplined that it is no laughing matter. Their mother has constantly posioned their minds against their father, and there is no turning back from that. She harrasses us all the time via mail, telephone,etc....There is no release of pressure. Ever. The stress is constant and knows no end. I love with this each day. As for me, I took care of them as best as I could, and they made our lives hell until they went back to the mother. My HUSBAND does not want custody again. HE does not want to return to that life. Neither do I. And I have a right to live a peaceful life....If you arent in this type of situation, then what right do you have to judge me? Or my husband? Hisdaddy has one son, and I don't see him in this kind of situation....We all feel the way we do. Nothing is going to change that. I will protect my son, and future children. I am sorry, but I am not allowing them to hit my little boy, and make him hate his father as they do. Yes, they are mixed up and everything is a total mess. But when I came here to marry my husband, I was not told of a lot of this mess. Therefore, do not lecture me about "Knowing what I was getting into"...I knew what I was told, and what I saw. I was doing fine, then everything just went bust. Thank you all for the reasonanble posts,and I would still like my original question anwsered....Can the state force one parent to take children???? Personally, I do feel that neither one of them should have them.....they do need a peaceful life, as do we all........
 
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TxStep

Guest
You can't be forced to take custody. Your husband can sign away his parental rights and surrender the children to foster care. You should be prepared to make payments to the state for the care of his children. I'm not sure if they do this, but I suspect they would. Here is the NJ code pertaining to your situation.

9:2-14. Surrender of child custody; validity
Except as otherwise provided by law or by order or judgment of a court of competent jurisdiction or by testamentary disposition, no surrender of the custody of a child shall be valid in this State unless made to an approved agency pursuant to the provisions of this act or pursuant to the provisions of a substantially similar law of another State or territory of the United States or of the Dominion of Canada or of one of its provinces.

L.1955, c. 232, p. 896, s. 2.
9:2-15. Surrender or termination of rights of one parent; rights of other parent
No surrender of custody by, nor termination of the parental rights of, one parent shall affect the rights of the other parent; nor may one parent act as the agent or representative of the other parent in the surrender of custody or termination of parental rights.

L.1955, c. 232, p. 896, s. 3.

9:2-16. Voluntary surrender to approved agency
An approved agency may take a voluntary surrender of custody of a child from the parent of such child, or from such other person or persons who, by order of a court of competent jurisdiction, have been substituted for the parent as to custody of such child. Each such surrender, when properly acknowledged in the manner and form provided by sections 46:14-6 and 46:14-7 of the Revised Statutes, shall be valid whether or not the person giving the same is a minor, and shall be irrevocable except at the discretion of the approved agency taking such surrender or upon order or judgment of a court of competent jurisdiction, setting aside such surrender upon proof of fraud, duress or misrepresentation.

L.1955, c. 232, p. 896, s. 4.

9:2-17. Form of surrender
The form of any such surrender shall be such as to declare that the person executing the same desires to relinquish the custody of the child, acknowledge the termination of parental rights as to such custody in favor of the approved agency, and acknowledge full understanding of the effect of such surrender as provided by this act. Any such surrender may include a statement that its purpose is to permit the approved agency to place the child for adoption by such person or persons as the approved agency may select.

L.1955, c. 232, p. 896, s. 5.
9:2-18. Procedure to terminate parental rights
6. An approved agency which is providing supervision of a child may institute an action in the Superior Court, seeking the termination of the rights of the parents of such child and the transfer of custody of such child to the agency. A prior surrender of custody as provided by Article II of this act shall not be deemed a waiver of notice or service of process in proceedings under Article III hereof. At least five days prior to the hearing, the plaintiff shall file with the court a written report as to all circumstances of the case.

L.1955,c.232,s.6; amended 1991,c.91,s.192.

9:2-19. Grounds for terminating custody
If the court shall determine that custody of the child has been surrendered as provided in Article II of this act, the court may declare that the person making such surrender shall have no further right to custody of the child. If the court shall determine that a parent of the child is dead, or mentally incompetent, or has forsaken parental obligation, the court may declare that such parent shall have no further right to custody of the child. If the court shall determine that a custodian or guardian has been appointed for the child, but that such custodian or guardian has willfully and continuously neglected or failed to discharge the responsibilities of such appointment, the court may declare that such custodian or guardian shall have no further control and authority over the person of the child.

L.1955,c.232,s.7; amended 1990,c.26,s.4.

9:2-20. Judgment terminating rights; effect of judgment
If the court shall find that the parents of the child should have no further right to custody of the child, or that the custodian or guardian, if any, should have no further control and authority over the person of the child, a judgment shall be entered terminating such right or control and authority and transferring the custody of the child to the plaintiff. The judgment so entered, unless otherwise specified therein, shall not affect the duties of the parents, custodian or guardian with respect to support and maintenance of the child.

L.1955, c. 232, p. 898, s. 8.
 

kat1963

Senior Member
We are in a similar position you and I..one that others just do not understand, nor do they care to....and like the other poster so nicely posted for you, no, you don't have to take them back. Hon, I'm wondering, why are you still listening to her ranting and ravings? You need to cut her off at the pass. Move if possible (we are yippee), put some distance into the situation. Hook your phone up to a fax machine. Listen, she wanted the child support check...whooopssss, I mean children, let her deal with the little monsters. In my situation, after raising the kids for 7 years alone, with no support from biotroll, she comes back and all heck breakes loose. Once they reached puperty, they became JUST LIKE HER! They are wild pack animals, all 3 of them...no amount of counseling is going to change the genetics. This kind of anti-social behavior has been passed down in the blood line on biotrolls side for generations....and I'm sure it will continue on as well.
But anyway, we were told by our lawyer that if they ever show up (like when bio goes to the slammer again) to call him day or night and he will see that we get before a judge within an hour to have them made wards of the state. Which, I have to say, is expensive, but considering the alternative, well....I'd rather be broke. The most expensive part, even with insurance, is a mental facility, so be prepared for that. (might want to start putting some money away! *LOL*)
Good Luck Hon. E-mail me if you care to chat, you aren't alone!
KAT
 

Bruno6301

Member
:) Thank you Kat....It is so nice to know that there is another human being out there that is like me.....I am saddened though, that anyone else has to go through this.....It's not fit for animals...These kids are just like her..Believe me, the oldest, is her carbon copy...She treated my husband like he was her husband not her father. It was too much to take. My Dr. advised us not seeing them during the last trimester of our pregnancy...He said the stress was too much for anyone. It has been hell on earth..I was 3 1/2 months pregnant when they FINALLY were able to go and live with her, and it saved my life as well as my son, who just arrived 2 months ago. I had a good pregnancy, and the stress was minimal...NOW it's starting again....When those kids would visit, it was not to see daddy, it was to snoop through our home, and report back to Mom....It was not to see daddy, it was to report our lives back to his ex wife and her family, then we were talked about. My husband had enough, and said no visits. Not until things were calmer.. I am deathly afraid that they will hurt my little boy, and needless to say I won't have that....ever. ....at any cost. I love my husband, and I just cannot live with those brats again. I wont. My husband said the same, and he is not forcing me to......Would like to hear your story...
 

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