Custody hearing next week - SCARED

[momto2teens]

What is the name of your state? Indiana

I'll try to make this short. Just want to see if I have a fighting chance to save my 16yo (they don't care about the 18yo).

I am mom and have joint custody with visitation. Dad gained primary physical custody 1 1/2 yrs ago after re-marrying and the children wanting to "try out living with dad". I agreed without any fight, I felt at their age they deserved the chance to live full time with their dad if they wanted to. Children are 16 & 18 now.

After signing the court order, my husband & I moved to MS for husbands employment. We have been in constant contact with the children and there have been visits back and forth.

Get a call on 12/26/07 from children. They have run away. Stepmom said she "hates them" and calls them names. Lots of other things...they are miserable. 18yo has never moved back into the home since (I am paying for her to live at boyfriends parents house and bought her a car so she could go to school/work since they took hers away). 16yo had to move back and has since been taken to the ER & to psych and put on antipsych meds for anger problems. Psych will not return my phone calls, even though I produced (faxed) court orders proving legal custody. She put them in family counseling.

There has only been 1 phone call in 1.5 years from dad to me (demanding that I pay for school tuition that I was not ordered to pay), yet there have been multiple medical emergencies that I was not made aware of until it was too late and that info came from the children themselves.

I finally get a phone call from Dad (1/28/08) after 16yo tells him that he does not want to live with him. Dad tells me that I have ABANDONED the children, I have no say in anything they do and that he is the SOLE GUARDIAN. He continues by informing me that I am a cocaine addict, an alcoholic, bi-polar and a piece of sh*t! Dad then rushes 16yo to the emergency room claiming that he is obviously having a mental break down and anger issues. Of course, I was never notified of the ER visit. My children informed me.

I have too many questions for one thread! Sorry.

I have no experience in court proceedings. Everything has been very quiet since the very beginning and until Dad got remarried, parenting was pretty smooth & children were happy. Mom & Dad talked regularly & visitation was give and take- no probs. Now all Dad says to the children is, "Mom just wants money".

How is all of this mess going to look to the judge? I have never even had a speeding ticket! I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm not what he says I am. Both children want to move in with me. We will relocate to Indiana and my husband will quit his job. What about the move to MS after the custody change, does that equal abandonment? What about the legal custody? I don't seem to have any custody rights at all right now. I have never been so stressed out in my entire life! Hearing is next week and their continuance was denied. We have an attorney, but not endless amount of funds. This is happening so fast and I am really scared.
Any insights?
Thank you What is the name of your state? Indiana

 

[LRHB]

Big difference

Dad gained primary physical custody 1 1/2 yrs ago after re-marrying and the children wanting to "try out living with dad".

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

Dad gained primary physical custody 1 1/2 yrs ago after re-marrying and the children wanting to "try out living with dad".

What do you mean "Big Difference"?

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

Since you have a lawyer, you really should be talking with him/her. No one here can tell you what your chances are. There is a lot to your story, and it is one side of it.

 

[momto2teens]

I do have an attorney, but I was hoping to get some insight and maybe some suggestions. I've read many other threads on here where there were lots of suggestions and the OP had attorneys.

It's Saturday, I'm totally stressed out. I am leaving on Tuesday to drive to Indiana for my custody hearing. I just thought someone may have had to deal with something like this before and offer some support if nothing else.

Thanks

 

[momto2teens]

Dad gained primary physical custody 1 1/2 yrs ago after re-marrying and the children wanting to "try out living with dad".

I'm sorry, but what is the big difference? He sued me and I didn't fight him. Is that what you mean?

I didn't see any reason to fight. The children were 14&16 at the time and that is what they THOUGHT they wanted. They had lived with me their entire lives. Now, they want that changed back to the way it has always been. What are the chances of that happening?

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

Why did he sue you for custody? If that is what the kids wanted and you were not fighting it, he didn't need to sue you.

 

[momto2teens]

I didn't say I handed over my children over on a silver platter. He never even said a word that he wanted custody. I just got papers!

He stated that there was violence in the home and that there was a significant change in circumstances. (funny, because he was the batterer that was actually arrested and had to go to anger management classes 12 years ago) What it was, he got married at the courthouse and filed for custody of the children the next day.

The violence that they claimed was a push by my current husband. My mother had just passed and I was a raving lunatic and he shoved me. This is an isolated incident that did not result in any reports, police or arrests. Since this happened over 2 years ago, not only has he allowed the children to be alone with us on numerous occasions, my husband and I have also attended marriage counseling and Retrouvaille.

 

[momto2teens]

I'm need hard questions. Please send them. I need to be prepared.

I'm shooting straight. We are willing to do whatever we have to do for the children. Which is quite a bit, since we are now settled in another state. We have a home, jobs, etc... but the children are more important than any of that.

 

[majomom1]

What is the name of your state? Indiana

I'll try to make this short. Just want to see if I have a fighting chance to save my 16yo (they don't care about the 18yo).

I am mom and have joint custody with visitation. Dad gained primary physical custody 1 1/2 yrs ago after re-marrying and the children wanting to "try out living with dad". I agreed without any fight, I felt at their age they deserved the chance to live full time with their dad if they wanted to. Children are 16 & 18 now.

After signing the court order, my husband & I moved to MS for husbands employment. We have been in constant contact with the children and there have been visits back and forth.

Get a call on 12/26/07 from children. They have run away. Stepmom said she "hates them" and calls them names. Lots of other things...they are miserable. 18yo has never moved back into the home since (I am paying for her to live at boyfriends parents house and bought her a car so she could go to school/work since they took hers away). 16yo had to move back and has since been taken to the ER & to psych and put on antipsych meds for anger problems. Psych will not return my phone calls, even though I produced (faxed) court orders proving legal custody. She put them in family counseling.

There has only been 1 phone call in 1.5 years from dad to me (demanding that I pay for school tuition that I was not ordered to pay), yet there have been multiple medical emergencies that I was not made aware of until it was too late and that info came from the children themselves.

I finally get a phone call from Dad (1/28/08) after 16yo tells him that he does not want to live with him. Dad tells me that I have ABANDONED the children, I have no say in anything they do and that he is the SOLE GUARDIAN. He continues by informing me that I am a cocaine addict, an alcoholic, bi-polar and a piece of sh*t! Dad then rushes 16yo to the emergency room claiming that he is obviously having a mental break down and anger issues. Of course, I was never notified of the ER visit. My children informed me.

I have too many questions for one thread! Sorry.

I have no experience in court proceedings. Everything has been very quiet since the very beginning and until Dad got remarried, parenting was pretty smooth & children were happy. Mom & Dad talked regularly & visitation was give and take- no probs. Now all Dad says to the children is, "Mom just wants money".

How is all of this mess going to look to the judge? I have never even had a speeding ticket! I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm not what he says I am. Both children want to move in with me. We will relocate to Indiana and my husband will quit his job. What about the move to MS after the custody change, does that equal abandonment? What about the legal custody? I don't seem to have any custody rights at all right now. I have never been so stressed out in my entire life! Hearing is next week and their continuance was denied. We have an attorney, but not endless amount of funds. This is happening so fast and I am really scared.
Any insights?
Thank you What is the name of your state? Indiana

Hearings can go either way - there really is no way for any of us to tell with only the information you have provided.

I can certainly see why Dad would feel that you abandoned them. I cannot imagine moving that far away from my kids - EVER. How much visitation time have you exercised? I am also surprised that you are supporting your daughter living with her boyfriend. I presume that she is still in high school, right? At 18 she is free to leave - hopefully she finishes school. Supporting her running away and buying her another car has undermined Dad. I don't blame him for being angry with you.

You're willing to move back - if you get custody? Why not move back NOW? and be there for the kids. If it is an option, for any reason, then do it and find out what is really going on. At the very least you would have more time with them and be closer to help. Teens are a handful, it is real easy for them to want to go to the other parent when things aren't going their way.

According to you the problems just started in December, a year and a half later - that sounds a little like some rebellion issues.

 

[LdiJ]

I didn't say I handed over my children over on a silver platter. He never even said a word that he wanted custody. I just got papers!

He stated that there was violence in the home and that there was a significant change in circumstances. (funny, because he was the batterer that was actually arrested and had to go to anger management classes 12 years ago) What it was, he got married at the courthouse and filed for custody of the children the next day.

The violence that they claimed was a push by my current husband. My mother had just passed and I was a raving lunatic and he shoved me. This is an isolated incident that did not result in any reports, police or arrests. Since this happened over 2 years ago, not only has he allowed the children to be alone with us on numerous occasions, my husband and I have also attended marriage counseling and Retrouvaille.

You really need to be consulting with/listening to your attorney. The 18 year old is honestly in total control and can decide. The issue is the younger child.

 

[momto2teens]

Hearings can go either way - there really is no way for any of us to tell with only the information you have provided.

I can certainly see why Dad would feel that you abandoned them. I cannot imagine moving that far away from my kids - EVER. How much visitation time have you exercised? I am also surprised that you are supporting your daughter living with her boyfriend. I presume that she is still in high school, right? At 18 she is free to leave - hopefully she finishes school. Supporting her running away and buying her another car has undermined Dad. I don't blame him for being angry with you.

You're willing to move back - if you get custody? Why not move back NOW? and be there for the kids. If it is an option, for any reason, then do it and find out what is really going on. At the very least you would have more time with them and be closer to help. Teens are a handful, it is real easy for them to want to go to the other parent when things aren't going their way.

According to you the problems just started in December, a year and a half later - that sounds a little like some rebellion issues.

Thank you for your opinion.

My children lived with me for their entire lives and began wishing that they didn't move out about 6months after they did. They were promised the moon and got absolutely nothing but emotional abuse.

My daughter is in college and works 2 jobs. She is a good girl. She lives with her boyfriends PARENTS, not her boyfriend. This is so school is not interupted. School would have been interrupted by her Dad taking away her vehicle, as HE did. SHE refused to go back. What would you had done differently?

As far as you seeing why Dad sees why I abandoned them, have you seen how many times they have flown to visit? How many times I have visited them? How many times I was NOT ALLOWED to see them? You need to know your facts before you speak so abruptly to another.

I don't need to move back to know what is going on. I hear it every single day because I communicate with my children on a daily basis. Do you?

 

[momto2teens]

You really need to be consulting with/listening to your attorney. The 18 year old is honestly in total control and can decide. The issue is the younger child.

Yes, I know and the 16yo is the one I am so concerned about due to the fact of the psych stuff and not being able to access the doctor. By the time we get to court, he will have enough medications in him to make him whatever. He really doesn't need it and I'm at a total disadvantage being so far away until next week.

16yo told me that he did NOT want to take the meds and that they stand there and MAKE HIM take it in front of them.

He is such a kind and gentle young man. He is angry because they make him angry. I have never ever seen him act out in his lifetime.

 

[penelope10]

Yes, I know and the 16yo is the one I am so concerned about due to the fact of the psych stuff and not being able to access the doctor. By the time we get to court, he will have enough medications in him to make him whatever. He really doesn't need it and I'm at a total disadvantage being so far away until next week.

16yo told me that he did NOT want to take the meds and that they stand there and MAKE HIM take it in front of them.

He is such a kind and gentle young man. He is angry because they make him angry. I have never ever seen him act out in his lifetime.

There are individuals who need to be on medication who are not medication compliant. Why was the child taken to the ER and then to a psychiatrist? Something has to be going on.

 

[momto2teens]

There are individuals who need to be on medication who are not medication compliant. Why was the child taken to the ER and then to a psychiatrist? Something has to be going on.

Dad thinks that because 16yo wants to move out and told him so, he has a mental illness and it required emergency care. 16yo does not like his SM and he probably said something nasty to her. This is extremely unusual for this child.

Dad took him to the ER stating that he had anger issues and the emergency room immediately called in a psych doctor that "supposedly" DIAGNOSED him as being bi-polar (IN THE ER). Well, Dad goes about town telling everyone he sees that 16yo is bi-polar. Small town Indiana. (even 18yo called and told me about it)

ER Dr, suggest that 16yo see a psych. Per 16yo, Dad did all the talking in the appt. He said maybe a few words and BAM, MEDICATE. No bi-polar though. Just anger issues. Psych Dr puts 16yo on Antipsych drug and orders family counseling for Dad, SM and 16yo. Psych refuses to return my calls.