• FreeAdvice has a new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, effective May 25, 2018.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our Terms of Service and use of cookies.

Custody questions

Accident - Bankruptcy - Criminal Law / DUI - Business - Consumer - Employment - Family - Immigration - Real Estate - Tax - Traffic - Wills   Please click a topic or scroll down for more.

frostbyte3964

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Utah

My situation is a bit different. I am currently workingin the field. I am trying to find a job back in Utah and set to have no job after January so I can go home and deal with this divorce. I may have a job, but it's not a good parket to be out of a job.

Ideally I would like joint custody of the kids, but have it so they could go to whichever parents house they wanted to so this is easiest on them. I don't feel either parent having sole custody is good for the kids and I don't feel it would have to be the normal joint custody. I have 4 boys under 10. I could live close enough so they can easily go to her house if I have them and they need some mommy time and vice versa if she would allow it. I don't want the divorce in the first place, but she is doing it anyways and wanting basically everything like a woman scorn.

What I would also like is to stay i the field until I have a job. That way we are not using savings while hoping to find a job. It's always easier to find a job if you have a job. I'm sure lawyers fees are going to eat through savings fast enough.

So my question is, realisitically speaking, can I actually get joint or even sole custody, but allow for more of a joint deal if I am in Utah, but she have sole custody until I get a job there? I feel it's a pipe dream, but I think it would be best for the kids. If our state is 95% going to give mom custody, is it just throwing away money to try and causing unnecessary financial strain and pain for the kids? I want them to know their dad didn't just not want them. I want the marriage to work because I don't want the kids to suffer. I have a good lawyer, but is this beyond even a good lawyers abilities?
 


Proserpina

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Utah

My situation is a bit different. I am currently workingin the field. I am trying to find a job back in Utah and set to have no job after January so I can go home and deal with this divorce. I may have a job, but it's not a good parket to be out of a job.

Ideally I would like joint custody of the kids, but have it so they could go to whichever parents house they wanted to so this is easiest on them.
Never in a million years. There's a very good reason we don't let kids make that kind of decision....would you be ok with them deciding not to go to school?

I don't feel either parent having sole custody is good for the kids and I don't feel it would have to be the normal joint custody. I have 4 boys under 10. I could live close enough so they can easily go to her house if I have them and they need some mommy time and vice versa if she would allow it. I don't want the divorce in the first place, but she is doing it anyways and wanting basically everything like a woman scorn.
Not going to happen - what happens when she tells you that the kids have truly expressed their wish never to stay at your house? That they just don't want to see you at all? Seriously - for your sake more than anything else - dump this train of thought before it completely derails the parental rights you do actually have.

What I would also like is to stay i the field until I have a job. That way we are not using savings while hoping to find a job. It's always easier to find a job if you have a job. I'm sure lawyers fees are going to eat through savings fast enough.

So my question is, realisitically speaking, can I actually get joint or even sole custody, but allow for more of a joint deal if I am in Utah, but she have sole custody until I get a job there? I feel it's a pipe dream, but I think it would be best for the kids. If our state is 95% going to give mom custody, is it just throwing away money to try and causing unnecessary financial strain and pain for the kids? I want them to know their dad didn't just not want them. I want the marriage to work because I don't want the kids to suffer. I have a good lawyer, but is this beyond even a good lawyers abilities?
Your kids need structure. All kids do - I can't emphasize enough how big a catastrophe this could become. Your kids need to have the grownups making the grownup decisions, they need rules and they need those rules to be consistent and enforced.

At the very least file for joint legal custody and the standard visitation - if you and Mom come to agreement afterwards that's fine....and if something goes wrong you still have the court order to fall back on.

But again, please reconsider this. Allowing the kids to decide where they want to sleep isn't good for them, you or Mom.
 
Last edited:

frostbyte3964

Junior Member
They need structure, but they need a mom and a dad also. You can have both if both parents work together.

At the very least I will file for joint physical custody. Sole custody if they won't go for joint.
 

Hisbabygirl77

Senior Member
They need structure, but they need a mom and a dad also. You can have both if both parents work together.

At the very least I will file for joint physical custody. Sole custody if they won't go for joint.
Dogmatique was not trying to say you shouldn't file for joint custody. Even with joint custody a schedule for kids is normally set out. Look at it this way the kids now are all under 10 correct? Well pretty soon if they havent learned it already the kids are going to figure out how to play you and mom. They will want dad when mom says no to something they want and mom when dad doesnt do the same. Just like kids need a bedtime, mealtime and such they need to have the structure of schedules with you and mom.
Plus, If mom gets mad at you do you really want her to control when you can or cant see them? If you dont have a schedule then she can pretty much do that because filing contempt will be hard to prove.
 

frostbyte3964

Junior Member
I don't mean that they should have freedom to do whatever they want. I will always be the same dad I was. When I had them for 3 weeks on vacation I still disciplined them and my parents liked that I didn't play nice just so they would like me. I know how to raise kids. Sometimes you can tell they are missing mom and that it would be good for them. Structure is very good and necessary. They would not play me, but I'm sure they would mom as she is not the disciplinary one. She lets them jump on the couch, climb on things, etc and I do not. I personally feel they would be best with me if it had to be one of us, but opinions don't really count in court. I don't want them to think either parent doesn't want them. If both work together you can't play each other, but if both worked together, we wouldn't be getting a divorce either.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
I don't mean that they should have freedom to do whatever they want. I will always be the same dad I was. When I had them for 3 weeks on vacation I still disciplined them and my parents liked that I didn't play nice just so they would like me. I know how to raise kids. Sometimes you can tell they are missing mom and that it would be good for them. Structure is very good and necessary. They would not play me, but I'm sure they would mom as she is not the disciplinary one. She lets them jump on the couch, climb on things, etc and I do not. I personally feel they would be best with me if it had to be one of us, but opinions don't really count in court. I don't want them to think either parent doesn't want them. If both work together you can't play each other, but if both worked together, we wouldn't be getting a divorce either.
They would not play you? WRONG. The children would play you. The idea that you want them to decide when and where they go would mean they would have the power to play you easily. These children will play you because that is natural -- they want what they want and to get it they will figure out how to do so -- even if that means playing you against mom.
 

frostbyte3964

Junior Member
If your children do that to you, I'm sorry. Mine may try, but I believe I'm just a little smarter than kids. Been there done that. I'm not an emotional being, but a logical rational one. They will obviously try. They have already done so, but it doesn't work on me.

So to those that think this is not a good idea, do you think kids do not need one parent or the other? Are both not equally important to their upbringing? If you say yes, then I just disagree. All that really matters though is what is legal and what a judge is going to say.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
How is it that she's a woman scorned? Are you doing something "out in the field" (like playing it)?

As for discipline/parenting styles. There are lots of ways to raise kids to be upstanding, well-behaved people. Not all of them require strict rules and discipline. Just because Mom lets the kids jump on the couch and you don't means nothing. Fact is - you've gone off to "the field" and left the kids with Mom. Apparently she's good enough to do so, in your opinion. You'll have a tough time convincing a judge that she's no longer fit. Chew on that for a bit.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
If your children do that to you, I'm sorry. Mine may try, but I believe I'm just a little smarter than kids. Been there done that. I'm not an emotional being, but a logical rational one. They will obviously try. They have already done so, but it doesn't work on me.
ROFL Want my ex's number? He can tell you how well that's worked for him.

Of course kids need both parents, ideally. You, however, didn't think your presence was that important while you were out in the field... did you? Again - you created a status quo by apparently leaving her to raise them herself. That will not be easy to change.
 
Last edited:

frostbyte3964

Junior Member
How quickly people assume the penis has control. No I'm not poking it where it doesn't belong. Never have.

Mom never allowed stuff like that until she decided she wanted divorce. You say the need structure, where is it now? She was in the field with me and the kids for 7 months in Korea. I'm in Iraq for 4 months then basically done with the field. It was never meant to be a long term thing.

Fact is, I'm providing for my family. Why she wants a divorce is beyond me. She seems to just not want to try which is why I think there is something mentally wrong even though there may be nothing. Until I get a job back in Utah, I feel it's best to be able to continue to support my family with a job. I don't even mind supporting my wife, but in the manner she has lived our whole marriage, not her new definition of standard of living.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
How quickly people assume the penis has control. No I'm not poking it where it doesn't belong. Never have.

Mom never allowed stuff like that until she decided she wanted divorce. You say the need structure, where is it now? She was in the field with me and the kids for 7 months in Korea. I'm in Iraq for 4 months then basically done with the field. It was never meant to be a long term thing.

Fact is, I'm providing for my family. Why she wants a divorce is beyond me. She seems to just not want to try which is why I think there is something mentally wrong even though there may be nothing. Until I get a job back in Utah, I feel it's best to be able to continue to support my family with a job. I don't even mind supporting my wife, but in the manner she has lived our whole marriage, not her new definition of standard of living.
Who said that kids don't need a Mom & Dad?

I'm sorry we can't tell you what you want to hear. And I'm sorry you've completely misunderstood what you're being told.
 

Find the Right Lawyer for Your Legal Issue!

Fast, Free, and Confidential
data-ad-format="auto">
Top