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Custody & The Single Parent

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Angelajj

Junior Member
What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Missouri

Good evening from Missouri! :) I am hoping for some advice. I did read over previous posts and the questions/answers posted on the main home page. However, if I missed something that would have answered my question I apologize.

My 2 year old daughters father and I have never been married nor lived together. She has my last name and his name is not on the birth certificate. Paternity has been established through DNA testing. I have a stack of paperwork through Child Support Enforcement which lists him as the "non-custodial parent" and myself as "custodial parent". However, I have since found out that all of this is not considered legally binding as far as established custody? Is that correct? Is there anything I can do to establish the custody arrangements without going to an attorney and to court? If that’s what needs to be done that’s what I will do, but I would like to know what I’m getting into.

I hate to think that I may turn into the witchy we-are-going-to-stick-to
everything-on-this-paper type of woman. But...I kind of feel forced to set some ground rules and some guidelines. I have NEVER denied him seeing her, have never set a schedule for picking her up or returning her. I have changed my plans on a moments notice to accommodate him. But I am fed up! This past weekend her father pulled his disappearing act yet again. He's goes out of his way to call and say he would like to pick her up for the weekend and then never shows. Nor even bothers to call and say he's not coming!! And this is hardly the first time he has pulled this crap. But I have never chewed him out. I have always tried to stay nice for her sake because I do want them to have a relationship. When ever I ask him what happened he always has some lame unbelievable excuse anyway. She is only 2 , but OMG! doesn't he even bother to think of how his behavior can/will affect her when she gets older? :mad:

I am done being nice and overly accommodating. I figure with some legal rules in place he will either see her or he won't, but it will be with some guidelines. Not to mention it scares me to death to think that I am not considered to have full custody. I am her primary care giver. I do provide for her every day. I make all the decisions regarding her. I have tried many times and in numerous ways to involve her father. I have always encouraged him spending time with her, although I think I can count on one hand the times he has actually followed through with his plans. And on a selfish note I will admit I don’t want to deal with any issues down the road. If I should decide to get married, move out of state, whatever. I don’t want any hassles from him.

Any suggestions and/or advice will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Angela in Missouri
 


I think the other poster is wrong, If you never went to court for custody, just child support there may not be a custody order in place. If you can get her dad to agree to a visitation schedule you may be able to avoid a court battle but either way I think you have to file your agreement with the courts to make it a binding order
 

Angelajj

Junior Member
And that is exactly the case....child support was ordered, but custody nor visitation was never addressed. Had it been my choice it would have all been done in one shot. However, Division of Family Services initiated the child support orders as I has applied for Medicaid for her. They, of course, are not concerned with any other issues other than establishing paternity and enforcing child support. As a matter of fact we never even went to a courtroom. A hearing was done over the phone..a teleconference with me, him, a administrator in Jefferson City and a child suport worker from the local office.

Modern technology at work. ;)
 
I am actually dealing with this now as well, so I know what you are talking about. You are correct, in Missouri Paternity can be established Administratively for the purpose of collecting support but a father is not deemed a "legal" parent for the purpose of establishing custody, and visitation until it is done JUDICIALLY. (Personallly, it is the gayest thing I have ever heard) In a nutshell it is just one more thing that has to be added to the paperwork and process and they use the DNA testing and the Administrative Order as "evidence" to prove that he is indeed the father.

But you do need to be careful because since his name is on the BC in most cases he would be treated as the "father" and as having equal rights to the child by law enforcement if he didn't return her or something; and by schools, doctors, daycares if he wanted to get information or pick her up from there. All he has to do is show the police, daycare, doctor, or who ever it is the Birth Certificate. (I know this from experience) They would deem it a civil matter between two parents that needs to be handled by a Judge and not by the police.
 
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Angelajj

Junior Member
Oh no...his name is NOT on the birth certificate. Is that something that law enforcement would look at as "proof" if he ever did something crazy like not bring her back after one of the times that he does even bother to pick her up?
 
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brisgirl825

Senior Member
DsmithAsmith said:
I think the other poster is wrong, If you never went to court for custody, just child support there may not be a custody order in place. If you can get her dad to agree to a visitation schedule you may be able to avoid a court battle but either way I think you have to file your agreement with the courts to make it a binding order
In an unmarried situation, mom has custody until dad petitions the courts for custody.
 
Angelajj said:
Oh no...his name is NOT on the birth certificate. Is that something that law enforcement would look at as "proof" if he ever did something crazy like not bring her back after one of the times that he does even bother to pick her up?
I am sorry, I miss read that and thought you said his name is on the BC. Dad can't do Jack Sh*t without a court order or at least the BC with his name on it. But I will tell you this - and again this is from recent, personal experience - Check the Birth Certificate AGAIN because usually when an Administrative Order is done they also ADD DAD'S NAME ON THE BC. You might not realize that it is there now, since the Administrative stuff.
 

Rushia

Senior Member
Just going to add my two cents in here. If you were to get a court order for visitation, all it will mean is that YOU are obligated to make the child ready for dad to take her. It does not mean that he is obligated to pick her up. You would probably just be having the same problems that you are right now for visitation. Just FYI.
 
Rushia said:
Just going to add my two cents in here. If you were to get a court order for visitation, all it will mean is that YOU are obligated to make the child ready for dad to take her. It does not mean that he is obligated to pick her up. You would probably just be having the same problems that you are right now for visitation. Just FYI.
Yes, that is true, but at least he couldnt call at a moment's notice to get to see her, and then not show.. If you had a visitation schedule set up, there are set times that the child must be ready, and if he doesnt show up, he misses his visit-his own fault.. Just make sure that if you get a schedule in place that you keep a log of all missed visits, when he shows up late in picking up/dropping off, and of the contact you have with him.
 

NotSoNew

Senior Member
if there is no court order for visitation you dont have to let the child see him at all.

if you want to go file for court ordered visitation and custody you can, but you must make the child available to him for visitation and he does not have to show up for it.
 

Rushia

Senior Member
hugs-n-kisses said:
Yes, that is true, but at least he couldnt call at a moment's notice to get to see her, and then not show.. If you had a visitation schedule set up, there are set times that the child must be ready, and if he doesnt show up, he misses his visit-his own fault.. Just make sure that if you get a schedule in place that you keep a log of all missed visits, when he shows up late in picking up/dropping off, and of the contact you have with him.
But now the child KNOWS that she has set times with daddy and daddy still doesn't show. Mom and child now in the same situation as is right now, but unless mom gets a time clause in her order, she is stuck at home for the entire timeframe that visitation is for. I based my response on this:

Angelajj said:
I hate to think that I may turn into the witchy we-are-going-to-stick-to
everything-on-this-paper type of woman. But...I kind of feel forced to set some ground rules and some guidelines. I have NEVER denied him seeing her, have never set a schedule for picking her up or returning her. I have changed my plans on a moments notice to accommodate him. But I am fed up! This past weekend her father pulled his disappearing act yet again. He's goes out of his way to call and say he would like to pick her up for the weekend and then never shows. Nor even bothers to call and say he's not coming!! And this is hardly the first time he has pulled this crap. But I have never chewed him out. I have always tried to stay nice for her sake because I do want them to have a relationship. When ever I ask him what happened he always has some lame unbelievable excuse anyway. She is only 2 , but OMG! doesn't he even bother to think of how his behavior can/will affect her when she gets older?
 

Angelajj

Junior Member
I want to thank everyone who took the time to reply to my question and concerns. It’s very comforting to just know that there are others who have been or still are in my situation. Even just having an understanding ear to bend means a lot. Hearing others opinions and experiences are priceless.

Here it is Wednesday and we haven’t heard a peep from him. Is he dead? Who knows? I’d like to kill him myself sometimes. Is he in jail? It’s a possibility I suppose. He is on probation for non payment of child support. Not for my daughter, but for several of his other 12, yes has 13 total, children. On the subject of child support I should add that at one time I was extremely laid back about that as well. He promised to buy her what she needed, voluntarily get her medical insurance, etc.. About 7 months after nothing of the sort panned out the way he promised then, and only then, did I pursue the child support.

I did put a call in to Legal Aid to see about some reduced cost or free legal representation. We qualify income wise however I was warned before hand though that the requests are so high that they only tend to take on the cases where violence or abuse is an issue. No…I will not be making up and tales to get service though. I think I’d just better hang on to that money I have been saving every month for new furniture. LOL..I suppose I will get it one day! Right now my daughter is certainly more important than new furniture.

I called the Child Support Enforcement Unit to get their take on things. Please don’t take my next comment the wrong way. I have NOTHING against non-English speaking people, but in this case the conversation was almost comical. We could hardly understand each other. But, I did manage to make out “What fool would be paying child support if he had custody?” on his end. ROFL! True enough, but that hardly answered my question.

I understand that I can’t make him want to spend time with her, papers or no papers. After I had time to think about it a bit more I have decided the thing that bothers me the most is just not knowing exactly where I stand in this whole situation. I’m actually kind of afraid that a slap upside the head with papers from an attorney may turn a relatively easy going relationship into something mean and nasty and that’s the last thing I want. Come Monday I think I will call the Family Court and see what resources they have available, such as mediation. I have a perfectly good voice, plenty of common sense and only the best intentions at heart. I think those qualities may be lost if I chose to let an attorney speak for me.

As far as I’m concerned I have done nothing but try to foster a relationship between him and my daughter. I used to call him on a regular basis to tell him what she was up to, the new things she had learned, what activities I had planned for her. For Petes sake…I have even taken his and his ex (but now current again) girlfriend’s child for weekends, a trip to the pumpkin patch, Six Flags…numerous things. Just to try to ensure that my daughter will have a close relationship with her nearest in age, and location, brother. Good grief…I can’t keep up with ALL of his kids. LOL

And finally I do have to remind myself that no one forced me to get in bed with this man. He certainly wouldn’t have been my first pick to father my child, but then again I suppose I should have thought about that beforehand huh? Now I have no choice but to work with him the best I can.

Anyway, I suppose I could go on and on, but I won’t. I’m going to check on the thawing process of my bird. I’m looking forward to spending time with my kids and be thankful for the many blessings I do have in my life. My oldest son is home from college until Sunday so needless to say I am tickled.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Angela
Missouri
 

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