Daughther molested by sibling in father's home

[DARIAGRAY]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

My 4 year old daughter has talked of acts of molestation by her 9 year old half brother at her father's house during visitations. Her father doesn't believe it, takes the word of the 9 year old over mine, and has threated to take me to court for custody on 3 occasions. I took her to the doctor. Her exam was normal other than an UTI, and it was reported to the DCS for evaluation. She wouldn't talk to the case worker about it. The case worker told me to work with her on talking about it and said she would emphasize with the father to keep the two supervised. She hasn't stayed the night at her father's house since this situation has arose. The one time she went for a daytime visitation his family took it upon themselves to ask her questions regarding the molestation. She says she is scared to go to her dad's house, and doesn't even want to go so she can get her Christmas gifts. I know I can't keep her from going over there legally, but at the same time I fear for her safety around the half brother. I doubt the father will supervise them since he is unwilling to recognize the situation. I'm just trying to be a good parent and protect my child, but I'm scared that I can't with this. What can I do? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

 

[escape2paradise]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

My 4 year old daughter has talked of acts of molestation by her 9 year old half brother at her father's house during visitations. Her father doesn't believe it, takes the word of the 9 year old over mine, and has threated to take me to court for custody on 3 occasions. I took her to the doctor. Her exam was normal other than an UTI, and it was reported to the DCS for evaluation. She wouldn't talk to the case worker about it. The case worker told me to work with her on talking about it and said she would emphasize with the father to keep the two supervised. She hasn't stayed the night at her father's house since this situation has arose. The one time she went for a daytime visitation his family took it upon themselves to ask her questions regarding the molestation. She says she is scared to go to her dad's house, and doesn't even want to go so she can get her Christmas gifts. I know I can't keep her from going over there legally, but at the same time I fear for her safety around the half brother. I doubt the father will supervise them since he is unwilling to recognize the situation. I'm just trying to be a good parent and protect my child, but I'm scared that I can't with this. What can I do? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

I find it hard to believe that a case worker would tell you to work on your child about talking of a possible molestation. You "working" on the child would scream of coaching! Get your child to a therapist who can make a professional judgement as to what, if anything, has happened to your child.

 

[Just Blue]

I find it hard to believe that a case worker would tell you to work on your child about talking of a possible molestation. You "working" on the child would scream of coaching! Get your child to a therapist who can make a professional judgement as to what, if anything, has happened to your child.

From a previous thread of OP:

08-03-2005, 01:13 AM
DARIAGRAY
Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 3


More Information About Father Of Child

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No, he doesn't do drugs and he isnt physically abusive. He also has a pretty good job. Plus, he has joint legal and joint physical custody of his 5 year old son from his first marriage, but that was decided out of court when they divorced. Basically she just agreed to whatever he wanted. The only real concerns I have are that he thinks that women aren't as important as men and he tends to be controlling. Plus he doesnt have a problem with letting his girlfriends live with him, but his current squeeze is still in Illinois divorcing her husband, so she is not living with him at the moment. I really dont feel that he could take care of an infant effectively, but I dont have any outstanding proof that he would be a bad parent. I don't want him to have joint custody of any kind actually, but I don't think I could stop him even if I had a lawyer. What do you think? Any comments good or bad welcomed. I just want to know what I am up against.

There are many reasons that a DCF worker would NOT tell a parent to

The case worker told me to work with her on talking about it

The DCF worker may advise to take child to a Child Psychologist that specializes in treating little children that have been touched/molested.

 

[MichaCA]

As a FYI, thats what a CPS caseworker told me to, exactly the opposite of what a parent 'trained' in NOT coaching their child wants to do. Its their best, but lame, put out for they can't do anything.

 

[Ohiogal]

Daria,

Is there a court order for visitation? You have no proof of anything. What exactly is your child stating? Are you sure it is not normal sexual behavior from your child? Do you KNOW what normal sexual behavior is in a child?

 

[MichaCA]

Agreed, we really don't know the situation without more details.

I cannot help but wonder IF, how, and why a 9 year old would molest a 4 year old. Do they take baths together? Sleep in the same room/bed? Its hard to imagine but I'm sure stranger things have happened. If he missed out on his sexual exploration period, perhaps he could be acting it out with 4 year old. When my daughter and her friends went through that round of sexual exploration, she was around 4 to 6. I was blessed in that daughters' friends moms/dads were great...we all pretty much would kindly separate the kids behavior when it looked like exploration was happening, and coached the kids that exploring their bodies was a private thing, to do it alone...once there was actually negotiating from the kids if it could be "watched" and "take turns" (I was impressed, I have to say), the answer, no. The point being, I know she went through that phase well, so I don't expect any weird behavior on that end -at least not until she hits adolescence.

Something to keep in mind while going through this, is simply being clear what is going on and how its being construed as molestation. Given is, IF your daughter is uncomfortable with touch happening at dads', thats not OK. That doesn't mean CPS will agree with you, but its not OK. It may be confusing and crazymaking, but you can neutrally (separate from issues at dads) start teaching daughter what safe touch is, etc. That doesn't mean she will be able to set boundries alone, but she will learn at least whats OK and whats not.

I bring all this up for your benefit. If an agencies seriously suspects molestation, your daughter will have to go through all kinds of physical testing, and bookoos of interviewing. Personally (empasize), I think all of that would be invasive enough on its own, so I am simply suggesting....be super careful when you make allegations. Your daughter will be affected.

Dad SHOULD be supervising kids...I don't know what entailed the investigation, but I would hope at the least the child worker would have recommended to dad that he simply pay attention/supervise, what is going on. I didn't hear that they made that recommendation although I am not sure if CPS always lets the other parent know what recommendations they've made. (?)

 

[Ohiogal]

As a FYI, thats what a CPS caseworker told me to, exactly the opposite of what a parent 'trained' in NOT coaching their child wants to do. Its their best, but lame, put out for they can't do anything.

The caseworker was an idiot then.

 

[stealth2]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

My 4 year old daughter has talked of acts of molestation by her 9 year old half brother at her father's house during visitations. Her father doesn't believe it, takes the word of the 9 year old over mine, and has threated to take me to court for custody on 3 occasions. I took her to the doctor. Her exam was normal other than an UTI, and it was reported to the DCS for evaluation. She wouldn't talk to the case worker about it. The case worker told me to work with her on talking about it and said she would emphasize with the father to keep the two supervised. She hasn't stayed the night at her father's house since this situation has arose. The one time she went for a daytime visitation his family took it upon themselves to ask her questions regarding the molestation. She says she is scared to go to her dad's house, and doesn't even want to go so she can get her Christmas gifts. I know I can't keep her from going over there legally, but at the same time I fear for her safety around the half brother. I doubt the father will supervise them since he is unwilling to recognize the situation. I'm just trying to be a good parent and protect my child, but I'm scared that I can't with this. What can I do? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

So... it's okay for YOU to "work with her" on talking about it, but not Dad? And... how do you know about what was said there?

 

[Ohiogal]

So... it's okay for YOU to "work with her" on talking about it, but not Dad? And... how do you know about what was said there?

Well if mom works on her regaridng the incident the child may be able to convey to others that she was molested and dad is the enemy who allowed it. If dad questions her then that will not happen. I get it completely.

 

[DARIAGRAY]

updated info

I have sole legal and sole physical custody with him having visitations on every other weekend by court order, but we have always rotated holidays and so on outside of court. We just never went back to update it. I have never had a problem with her going over there until this happened. Now I'm just scared to death.

I took what the caseworker said about working with her as to mean trying to make her comfortable enough so she would open up about it with the caseworker. The caseworker also said that the dad's family asking her questions may have made her more reluctant to talk about it. I do agree she didn't have much to base a decision on at that time. Which I haven't asked my daughter any more questions about what happened, but I have tried to make her understand that I can't keep her from going to her dad's house forever. That she has to talk with the caseworker, or she might have to go back to her dad's house. I just want her to understand that my hands are tied even though I wish they weren't. I think she understands because she said she would talk about her brother with the caseworker, but unfortunately the caseworker's on vacation right now, so I guess I'll have to wait til she gets back unless the DCS will let someone else handle it.

What started this all was this:

She was at my mom's house while I was working and when I went to pick her up, my mom told me that she had complained about her wee-wee hurting her and when asked what happened my daughter said that her brother had put something in her wee-wee. At first I thought it was probably just innocent circumstances. That he had wiped her up after using the bathroom or something, but I told my mom that I would see what I could find out and that I would probably take her to the doctor to be on the safe side anyway. The next day I asked my daughter if her wee-wee was still hurting and she said yes. And I asked her if she knew why it hurt, and thats when she told me that her brother had put something in her wee-wee. She said they were supposed to be sleeping. She was sleeping in his room so they could watch a movie. And that he had taken her clothes off and they were under the covers. He was hugging and kissing on her and then stuck something in her wee-wee. Then he said "Oh no someone's coming" and her dad came in the room and told them to go to sleep. She said her dad didn't know she was naked.

I asked her if her brother had taken her clothes off before and she said yes, and went into telling me that he would touch her wee-wee when he took off her clothes. She actually acted this out by laying on the floor and moving her hands down between her legs. I asked her if she wanted him to take off her clothes she said no. I asked if she wanted him to touch her wee-wee she said no. That it makes her sad when he does this. I asked where was your dad and your step-mom she said they were in the bed.

She would only say so much and then she would say she didn't want to talk anymore, and I didn't push any further with it. I had heard enough. To me that is more than two kids "playing doctor". My daughter has never talked like that and to me there's no way she would know anything about anything to do with sex unless these things actually happened.

When I told the father about it he acknowledged that she had been naked in her brother's bed, but that the brother says she takes her clothes off and gets in his bed, and that this has been an ongoing thing, and that my daughter was lying. I never got the chance to ask him if he had physically seen her take her clothes off. He was too busy threatening a custody suit for not wanting her to go to his house for the weekend. The father also said that the brother didn't even like my daughter, that if anything he was trying to teach his son to be more affectionate towards her. Which I explained to him that this was not an act of affection, but more an act of malice. He says that they don't bathe together, don't change clothes in front of each other, but my daughter told me that her brother has 2 "belly buttons". She pointed that out on a Barbie while we were playing and wanted to know why the Barbie didn't have 2 belly buttons like her brother. Which her seeing his wee-wee could have been innocent circumstances or not or both. I asked how she knew this and she wouldn't say.

This is all that I know which I felt and still feel that she has been molested. Her father still doesn't feel that there is a situation even after the caseworker told him to supervise them which doesn't give me much faith towards him actually supervising them. I know I would rather die than send her over there knowing what she's told me. All I want to do is protect her from this happening to her again.

 

[Ohiogal]

So what did the emergency room say when you took your daughter for a physical examination? Oh you haven't done that,have you?

 

[StampGirl]

So what did the emergency room say when you took your daughter for a physical examination? Oh you haven't done that,have you?

I do believe she did take the little girl to the doctor when this happened. She had a UTI. But nothing else was "seen" and it was reported to DFS (or whatever the child protective services is called in her area).

I DO think that Mom better get that lil girl ASAP to a counselor FAST. Otherwise it shows that she isn't that concerned.

Just my opinion.

 

[CJane]

That she has to talk with the caseworker, or she might have to go back to her dad's house.

That is all.

 

[Ohiogal]

I do believe she did take the little girl to the doctor when this happened. She had a UTI. But nothing else was "seen" and it was reported to DFS (or whatever the child protective services is called in her area).

I DO think that Mom better get that lil girl ASAP to a counselor FAST. Otherwise it shows that she isn't that concerned.

Just my opinion.

Hey SG, where did she say that? Not doubting you but just not knowing. But I will say this directed at the OP-- girls get UTIs not irregularly. It can have to do with a lot of things. Maybe little girl dreamed it or imagined it or nothing actually happened but mom talking to her about it is not going to make everything better.

There are many innocent reasons why she would know that her brother has two belly buttons. Using that statement as a reason to deprive dad visitation is irresponsible and could cause OP to lose custody.

And I agree with you about the counseling SG.

 

[MichaCA]

Ohiogal,

Regarding the information about a physical examination, its in the first post.

Regarding your feedback as I got a bogus caseworker, I feel like he totally screwed up.