Dead Beat Dad Trying to Get Visitation

[ajkroy]

The truly ugly part is yet to come. Does anyone here have the slightest hope that stepfather and mom will break the news in any way favorable to the father? Of course not. They'll tell such awful stories that, even if true, will make the daughter terrified of him and hate him out of solidarity.

My son is 14 and has known as long as he has he can remember that my husband is not his father. And whenever he asked me about him, I have always replied that his father knew that I'd be such a good mom that he let me do it all by myself. I know that at some point, my son will want to meet him (also a deadbeat), and I don't want to taint his image of him beforehand.

OP, if you care about your stepdaughter, do NOT badmouth her father to her. She is literally half of him and she will feel diminished because of it.

Good luck.

 

[Isis1]

OP, in case you ever came back....my mom took off with me when i was 1. didn't know who my dad was. my mom remarried. i called the man dad. introduced him as my dad. but i KNEW he wasn't my real dad. and not once have i been angry with him. in fact, i'm on good terms with him even AFTER i met my father. much better terms then my own mother.

don't set yourself up for your step daughter to hate you. let her love you as she chooses. you won't have lost anything.

 

[LdiJ]

I followed step 1 - the rest I don't know, feel free to lock or delete or whatever you need to do, I'm not going to edit the post, I was looking for information and figured I would explain what the situation is from our point of view.. If that goes against the forums rules, I do apologize

I thank you for your input but I don't feel she is of age to understand right now the truth she has not seen him since she was an infant, telling her now will only confuse her and will not help the situation since he is not around and has not ever wanted to be around until this letter today.

I understand that you have legal guardianship (although I don't know how that happened) but the reality of things is that if dad files for visitation, dad is going to get visitation, even if its only supervised.

Therefore you HAVE to tell her. As you stated, she has austism and doesn't adapt well to change. If you do not tell her now, so that she has some time to process the information before she has to start visiting with dad, its going to be much harder on her.

 

[LdiJ]

A) I don't believe anyone said (or even loosely implied) that Dad is a saint
B) Dad isn't the one who has lied to this child for 8 years
C) Just because Dad is something of a deadbeat doesn't make it ok to traumatize the child.

And this WILL traumatize her.

Nobody is condoning Dad's actions. Nobody is congratulating him or holding him in high regard.

I think that dad is a little more than "something of a deadbeat". If he really is a drunk/deadbeat who has spent more time locked up than on the outside, its quite possible that he won't get more than supervised visitation....and he may even end up back in jail before the case gets decided, or before he can graduate to any unsupervised visitation.

Nevertheless, the child needs to be told now, so that the child has time to process the information.

 

[meanyjack]

Does this make the father a saint in all of this? It seems everyone is coming down on the mother and her husband, what about the father's actions in all this?

Then I suggest you read the responses because Dad was noted as not being a saint. But that is NOT the point here, making your comment irrelevant.

 

[cyjeff]

Please allow me to wrap this up... as a fellow stepfather.

OP, you are a legal stranger to the child. Not the new daddy... not the old daddy... nothing.

I, personally, have as much right to the child and her care as you do. Because neither of us has ANY rights to the child.

You will not even be allowed in the courtroom when custody is discussed... because you are not relevant.

Your opinion will not be asked... because they aren't going to poll the rest of the strangers walking about the courthouse either.

In fact, all your false relationship with your child will accomplish will be negative. If the child calls you father or dad, that will be seen by the court as you trying to replace the child's legal father. That is a tremendously, galactically bad thing.

If you have even presented the child as your daughter to doctors, teachers or others, that will be seen by the court as you trying to replace the child's legal father. See above "galactically bad" statement.

You need to unclench your fists, release that tension in your face and be a man about this. Your daughter is about to have the truth thrust upon her. sooner rather than later.

If you truly love her, it is time... NOW... to tell her the truth. Yup... it means the whole "mommy was spreading for someone other than daddy" discussion comes up. No way to avoid it. Deal with it.

If you love her, don't look at her as territory that needs to be defended.

 

[LdiJ]

Please allow me to wrap this up... as a fellow stepfather.

OP, you are a legal stranger to the child. Not the new daddy... not the old daddy... nothing.

I, personally, have as much right to the child and her care as you do. Because neither of us has ANY rights to the child.

You will not even be allowed in the courtroom when custody is discussed... because you are not relevant.

Your opinion will not be asked... because they aren't going to poll the rest of the strangers walking about the courthouse either.

In fact, all your false relationship with your child will accomplish will be negative. If the child calls you father or dad, that will be seen by the court as you trying to replace the child's legal father. That is a tremendously, galactically bad thing.

If you have even presented the child as your daughter to doctors, teachers or others, that will be seen by the court as you trying to replace the child's legal father. See above "galactically bad" statement.

You need to unclench your fists, release that tension in your face and be a man about this. Your daughter is about to have the truth thrust upon her. sooner rather than later.

If you truly love her, it is time... NOW... to tell her the truth. Yup... it means the whole "mommy was spreading for someone other than daddy" discussion comes up. No way to avoid it. Deal with it.

If you love her, don't look at her as territory that needs to be defended.

This is good advice, but apparently this stepparent somehow has received legal guardianship of the child. Therefore his position is a tad different than most stepparents. Apparently he does have some legal "rights".

 

[Ohiogal]

This is good advice, but apparently this stepparent somehow has received legal guardianship of the child. Therefore his position is a tad different than most stepparents. Apparently he does have some legal "rights".

And how did he receive guardianship of the child? Is mom in the military? Did he serve dad? Or did he illegally receive guardianship? Which will mean it matters not.

 

[LdiJ]

And how did he receive guardianship of the child? Is mom in the military? Did he serve dad? Or did he illegally receive guardianship? Which will mean it matters not.

He didn't state how he got it. Its also probable that he won't keep it. However, apparently at the moment he does have it...and as you always say, a court order is a court order until a judge changes or vacates it.

 

[workinggal]

Then I suggest you read the responses because Dad was noted as not being a saint. But that is NOT the point here, making your comment irrelevant.

Whatever as if you hurt my feelings with your comment. And I never said ANYONE literally saud dad was a "saint" I just said "does that make dad a saint in all this?"************** Have yourself a great weekend, really!

 

[Incyndiary]

Hi Epic!

Wow! I am SO SORRY that you've received so many hostile replies. Hmm. I've never encountered such adversarial advice on a message board before. You don't deserve this and, certainly, in seeking help, one should never be subjected to such biased and uninformed opinions.

I'm not a lawyer, (although I've worked as a legal assistant for a divorce attorney), however, I feel that I can give you some sound advice.

For one, from what you've said, you have legal guardianship of your step-daughter. Exactly what legal leverage have you obtained regarding her upbringing? What legal protection do you have as her guardian? It seems to me that you should have some legal say with regard to her welfare since you have raised her since infancy with her mother.

Also, it appears that this 'bio dad' has made no formal attempt whatsoever to be a part of his daughter's life. And, IMO, if he's trying to get child support reduced (even though he hasn't paid any), it seems that only NOW is he making an attempt to see his daughter for the simple fact that requesting a reduction would make him look even WORSE if he doesn't start demanding some sort of visitation. IOW, methinks he's trying to USE ~your~ daughter as a tool to LOWER child support. What I'm thinking is that, if he tries to walk into court for a reduction but has NEVER seen or WANTED to see his/your daughter, the judge would laugh him out of the courtroom.

He's acting as his own attorney? Pfffffft. This will work out in your favor! But what I really think he's going after is this: I think that he's looking to SURRENDER his paternal rights to his(your) daughter for a PRICE. That's right. He's going to try to NEGOTIATE with you and your wife. He'll probably ask that you waive ALL child support he owes and in exchange he'll withdraw all legal rights as her father which will allow YOU to adopt her.

Doesn't that make more sense?

Clearly this creep doesn't give a hill of beans about 'his' daughter. But he knows that YOU do. So, he's looking for something to gain here. And if this ISN'T something he's going after? It might be worth it for you to offer it up to him. But remember to negotiate wisely. Offer him, say, HALF of the the child support off his tab in exchange for him signing off as daddy. He'll counter with requesting most or all of the arrears being wiped clean. And, from there, you can agree and get that sorry jerk out of your lives once and for all.

As for your daughter, I don't see anything wrong with you and your wife not telling her about him. IMO, he isn't someone she should have in her life. Certainly not now, and possibly not ever. She can be informed of his existence but I think it's best to let her decide her relationship with him when she's older. I sincerely don't think she'll be hurt by any of this.

The one who's loved her, who's cared for her, and who's loved/cherished her mother is, IMO, her 'real' father. Sperm donors, (especially those who fly under the radar for nearly a decade), have willingly forfeited their emotional rights to their progeny and, therefore, IMO, should be allowed only limited rights under the circumstances.

Definitely check with the court to see if he has, in fact, filed anything. This guy's just out looking for money.

Hang tough and take care! Best of luck to you!

Cynthia

 

[BL]

Hi Epic!

Wow! I am SO SORRY that you've received so many hostile replies. Hmm. I've never encountered such adversarial advice on a message board before. You don't deserve this and, certainly, in seeking help, one should never be subjected to such biased and uninformed opinions.

I'm not a lawyer, (although I've worked as a legal assistant for a divorce attorney), however, I feel that I can give you some sound advice.

For one, from what you've said, you have legal guardianship of your step-daughter. Exactly what legal leverage have you obtained regarding her upbringing? What legal protection do you have as her guardian? It seems to me that you should have some legal say with regard to her welfare since you have raised her since infancy with her mother.

Also, it appears that this 'bio dad' has made no formal attempt whatsoever to be a part of his daughter's life. And, IMO, if he's trying to get child support reduced (even though he hasn't paid any), it seems that only NOW is he making an attempt to see his daughter for the simple fact that requesting a reduction would make him look even WORSE if he doesn't start demanding some sort of visitation. IOW, methinks he's trying to USE ~your~ daughter as a tool to LOWER child support. What I'm thinking is that, if he tries to walk into court for a reduction but has NEVER seen or WANTED to see his/your daughter, the judge would laugh him out of the courtroom.

He's acting as his own attorney? Pfffffft. This will work out in your favor! But what I really think he's going after is this: I think that he's looking to SURRENDER his paternal rights to his(your) daughter for a PRICE. That's right. He's going to try to NEGOTIATE with you and your wife. He'll probably ask that you waive ALL child support he owes and in exchange he'll withdraw all legal rights as her father which will allow YOU to adopt her.

Doesn't that make more sense?

Clearly this creep doesn't give a hill of beans about 'his' daughter. But he knows that YOU do. So, he's looking for something to gain here. And if this ISN'T something he's going after? It might be worth it for you to offer it up to him. But remember to negotiate wisely. Offer him, say, HALF of the the child support off his tab in exchange for him signing off as daddy. He'll counter with requesting most or all of the arrears being wiped clean. And, from there, you can agree and get that sorry jerk out of your lives once and for all.

As for your daughter, I don't see anything wrong with you and your wife not telling her about him. IMO, he isn't someone she should have in her life. Certainly not now, and possibly not ever. She can be informed of his existence but I think it's best to let her decide her relationship with him when she's older. I sincerely don't think she'll be hurt by any of this.

The one who's loved her, who's cared for her, and who's loved/cherished her mother is, IMO, her 'real' father. Sperm donors, (especially those who fly under the radar for nearly a decade), have willingly forfeited their emotional rights to their progeny and, therefore, have discarded any legal rights as well.

Definitely check with the court to see if he has, in fact, filed anything. This guy's just out looking for money.

Hang tough and take care! Best of luck to you!

Cynthia

WOW ?

Your Crystal ball from the dollar store tell you all this ?

The daughter is NOT legally his.

Child support and custody/visitations are handled in separate parts of the court .

Let's not go off on your opinions and Snipe hunting .

 

[>Charlotte<]

The one who's loved her, who's cared for her, and who's loved/cherished her mother is, IMO, her 'real' father. Sperm donors, (especially those who fly under the radar for nearly a decade), have willingly forfeited their emotional rights to their progeny and, therefore, have discarded any legal rights as well.

Of course, in this case the guardianship sorta moves the game further into left field.

I'm just sayin'.

 

[LdiJ]

Hi Epic!

Wow! I am SO SORRY that you've received so many hostile replies. Hmm. I've never encountered such adversarial advice on a message board before. You don't deserve this and, certainly, in seeking help, one should never be subjected to such biased and uninformed opinions.

I'm not a lawyer, (although I've worked as a legal assistant for a divorce attorney), however, I feel that I can give you some sound advice.

For one, from what you've said, you have legal guardianship of your step-daughter. Exactly what legal leverage have you obtained regarding her upbringing? What legal protection do you have as her guardian? It seems to me that you should have some legal say with regard to her welfare since you have raised her since infancy with her mother.

Also, it appears that this 'bio dad' has made no formal attempt whatsoever to be a part of his daughter's life. And, IMO, if he's trying to get child support reduced (even though he hasn't paid any), it seems that only NOW is he making an attempt to see his daughter for the simple fact that requesting a reduction would make him look even WORSE if he doesn't start demanding some sort of visitation. IOW, methinks he's trying to USE ~your~ daughter as a tool to LOWER child support. What I'm thinking is that, if he tries to walk into court for a reduction but has NEVER seen or WANTED to see his/your daughter, the judge would laugh him out of the courtroom.

He's acting as his own attorney? Pfffffft. This will work out in your favor! But what I really think he's going after is this: I think that he's looking to SURRENDER his paternal rights to his(your) daughter for a PRICE. That's right. He's going to try to NEGOTIATE with you and your wife. He'll probably ask that you waive ALL child support he owes and in exchange he'll withdraw all legal rights as her father which will allow YOU to adopt her.

Doesn't that make more sense?

Clearly this creep doesn't give a hill of beans about 'his' daughter. But he knows that YOU do. So, he's looking for something to gain here. And if this ISN'T something he's going after? It might be worth it for you to offer it up to him. But remember to negotiate wisely. Offer him, say, HALF of the the child support off his tab in exchange for him signing off as daddy. He'll counter with requesting most or all of the arrears being wiped clean. And, from there, you can agree and get that sorry jerk out of your lives once and for all.

As for your daughter, I don't see anything wrong with you and your wife not telling her about him. IMO, he isn't someone she should have in her life. Certainly not now, and possibly not ever. She can be informed of his existence but I think it's best to let her decide her relationship with him when she's older. I sincerely don't think she'll be hurt by any of this.

The one who's loved her, who's cared for her, and who's loved/cherished her mother is, IMO, her 'real' father. Sperm donors, (especially those who fly under the radar for nearly a decade), have willingly forfeited their emotional rights to their progeny and, therefore, have discarded any legal rights as well.

Definitely check with the court to see if he has, in fact, filed anything. This guy's just out looking for money.

Hang tough and take care! Best of luck to you!

Cynthia

While I cannot disagree, practically, with quite a bit of what you said...do expect to be seriously slammed here...because a great deal of what you said is completely WRONG, legally.

Particularly the bolded paragraph. The most legally defined deadbeat parent can come back into their child's life at virtually any point, and get some some sort of visitation with the child, unless their parental rights have been terminated. It may be extremely limited or supervised visitation, and the child may even get a great deal of control over the visitation if the child is an older teen, but in 99% of cases a parent would get some sort of visitation.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm not a lawyer, (although I've worked as a legal assistant for a divorce attorney), however, I feel that I can give you some sound advice.

Then I'm astonished at your response. You, more than many posters, should know better than to post blatantly inaccurate information.

It seems to me that you should have some legal say with regard to her welfare since you have raised her since infancy with her mother.

Morally? Very probably. Legally? Not so much. Again, you should know better.

What I'm thinking is that, if he tries to walk into court for a reduction but has NEVER seen or WANTED to see his/your daughter, the judge would laugh him out of the courtroom.

Really?

He's acting as his own attorney? Pfffffft. This will work out in your favor! But what I really think he's going after is this: I think that he's looking to SURRENDER his paternal rights to his(your) daughter for a PRICE. That's right. He's going to try to NEGOTIATE with you and your wife. He'll probably ask that you waive ALL child support he owes and in exchange he'll withdraw all legal rights as her father which will allow YOU to adopt her.

Now you're onto something. This is a likely scenario, and it's (sadly) not uncommon . But this does not mean Dad - and that isn't OP - has lost rights to his child. And yes, his constitutionally protected rights will trump OP's in court. Unless something changes.

As for your daughter, I don't see anything wrong with you and your wife not telling her about him. IMO, he isn't someone she should have in her life. Certainly not now, and possibly not ever. She can be informed of his existence but I think it's best to let her decide her relationship with him when she's older. I sincerely don't think she'll be hurt by any of this.

You think it's ok to lie to a child her entire life and not prepare her for the possibility that her life is about to be turned upside down? Because the man she thought was Dad isn't actually Dad at all?

And you don't think she'd be hurt?

Seriously?

The one who's loved her, who's cared for her, and who's loved/cherished her mother is, IMO, her 'real' father. Sperm donors, (especially those who fly under the radar for nearly a decade), have willingly forfeited their emotional rights to their progeny and, therefore, have discarded any legal rights as well.

Not in this country. And again, you should know better. You decided it was important to inform everyone that you have worked as a legal assistant for an attorney - and yet you casually decided to ignore the actual law in this situation?