Dead Beat Dad Trying to Get Visitation

[Isis1]

Hi Epic!

Wow! I am SO SORRY that you've received so many hostile replies. Hmm. I've never encountered such adversarial advice on a message board before. You don't deserve this and, certainly, in seeking help, one should never be subjected to such biased and uninformed opinions.

I'm not a lawyer, (although I've worked as a legal assistant for a divorce attorney), however, I feel that I can give you some sound advice.

hmm...interesting. i worked for a family law attorney too. i sure didn't learn all that rubbish you spilled.

 

[Incyndiary]

Isn't this supposed to be a forum where others can obtain information and support? I guess that's where I'm totally off base here. And it's quite OK to slam me and/or my opinion. I really couldn't care less. What got up my nose is the way that so many of you appeared to be SLAMMING Epic (and quite brutally, I might add) when all he was doing was coming here for some advice.

For example, Ohiogal's response:

YOU are not the "NEW FATHER" -- you are the lying bedmate who screws the child's mother. UNDERSTAND? The child never should have been lied to. Because the adults in her life screwed up this child's life will be destroyed. She should have been told the truth all along. If he goes to court he will get visitation. The child will need counseling. And you and mom can congratulate yourself on being pathetic excuses of humanity. Congrats.

YOU have no standing at all for this. YOU are NOT a party to this. YOU are nothing more than the man who married mom and has helped mom destroy her child. YOU will not be in the courtroom as a party. Deal with it.

And the child is NOT your daughter. She is your stepdaughter. But not your daughter. Unless of course you were in bed with mom the night she was conceived.

"You are the lying bedmate who screws the mother's child..."

Oh, fercryinoutloud! Was that called for? Was it necessary? Was it ACCURATE??? Pffffffffft. It was nothing but inflammatory.

And if you want to see real destruction, just bring bio dad back in the picture to really mess with that poor kid's head. Oh, yeah, bio dad sure has his 'rights'. And, unfortunately, the daughter may not have any right to say that she has NO desire to 'visit' with a STRANGE MAN. I sure as hell wouldn't want to put my daughter in the hands of a man who hasn't seen her since infancy. Rights? He gave up his rights when he walked out of that child's life. If not legally, he sure as hell did emotionally.

Sorry, but I'm with the guy who's seeking help here. Not the unknown schmuck who's resurfaced for whatever damn reason.

Cynthia

 

[Isis1]

Isn't this supposed to be a forum where others can obtain information and support? I guess that's where I'm totally off base here. And it's quite OK to slam me and/or my opinion. I really couldn't care less. What got up my nose is the way that so many of you appeared to be SLAMMING Epic (and quite brutally, I might add) when all he was doing was coming here for some advice.


And if you want to see real destruction, just bring bio dad back in the picture to really mess with that poor kid's head. Oh, yeah, bio dad sure has his 'rights'. And, unfortunately, the daughter may not have any right to say that she has NO desire to 'visit' with a STRANGE MAN. I sure as hell wouldn't want to put my daughter in the hands of a man who hasn't seen her since infancy. Rights? He gave up his rights when he walked out of that child's life. If not legally, he sure as hell did emotionally.

Sorry, but I'm with the guy who's seeking help here. Not the unknown schmuck who's resurfaced for whatever damn reason.

Cynthia

well there's the problem right there. this isn't a site for support.

calling a parent a dead beat, was NOT appropriate. not even in the legal sense. Epic does not get to say so. only the courts do. Epic does not get to rule on the child's father. in other words, the man the child might actually grow to love if given the chance. why ruin that for the child because Epic doesn't want to lose the fantasy he worked so hard for.

dad wants visitation, he'll get it. that's a constitutional fact. he may have to jump through a few hoops, but they are his rights. whether Epic likes it or not.

 

[Proserpina]

Isn't this supposed to be a forum where others can obtain information and support?

Honestly? No. It's a forum where one can obtain information. Not support - this isn't a chatroom, or a blog, or MyFaceSpaceBook.

"You are the lying bedmate who screws the mother's child..."

Oh, fercryinoutloud! Was that called for? Was it necessary? Was it ACCURATE??? Pffffffffft. It was nothing but inflammatory.

Legally? Pretty much, yeah. Perhaps the same terms might not be used in court. Perhaps they might. But the end result? Same. He - and Mom - are lying to this child. And He - that being OP - is not, legally, Dad.

And if you want to see real destruction, just bring bio dad back in the picture to really mess with that poor kid's head. Oh, yeah, bio dad sure has his 'rights'. And, unfortunately, the daughter may not have any right to say that she has NO desire to 'visit' with a STRANGE MAN. I sure as hell wouldn't want to put my daughter in the hands of a man who hasn't seen her since infancy. Rights? He gave up his rights when he walked out of that child's life. If not legally, he sure as hell did emotionally.

Oh come ON! Destruction? Try lying to your child ALL OF HER LIFE. Making her believe something that just isn't true. THAT, my dear, is destruction. Watch that little girl crumble when she has to visit this stranger because her mother, and step-father, have lied to her and haven't even given that child a chance to accept or comprehend the reality. THAT, is destruction.

Yes, Dad might be the worst thing ever to set foot in a pair of Levi's, but that does NOT remove his LEGAL RIGHTS. Should it? That isn't the point. Surely you realize that?

Sorry, but I'm with the guy who's seeking help here. Not the unknown schmuck who's resurfaced for whatever damn reason.

And that's all very nice. On any other board, he'd probably be welcomed with open arms and virtually drowning in sympathy. But this is not any other board. This - and you should have been able to ascertain this small fact given your apparent experience - is about the legalities of a given situation. Not the emotional impact, not the ethical or moral coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Believe me, many of us have traveled along this same path. We. Get. It.

It's a shame you don't.

 

[Incyndiary]

In group therapy, on Oprah, at Disney World, on Planet Happy in the Fuzzy Bunny Tickle Whiskers Galaxy, and in the episode where Beaver learns an important lesson about Miss Landers' "special friend"---perhaps. In a courtroom, not so much.

Of course, in this case the guardianship sorta moves the game further into left field.

I'm just sayin'.

That's what I'm trying to find out here. What exactly ARE the guardianship rights of Epic? As for the 'courtroom', with bio dad acting as his own attorney (IF he shows up), I would hope that he's only awarded supervised visitation. After all, the child IS autistic. And this bio dad could be any psycho from Yucko Turdsville. This is just scary shlt and step-dad is concerned and rightfully so!

".... on Planet Happy in the Fuzzy Bunny Tickle Whiskers Galaxy..."

That's a great line! LOL! Do you mind if I quote you sometime?

 

[Incyndiary]

well there's the problem right there. this isn't a site for support.

dad wants visitation, he'll get it. that's a constitutional fact. he may have to jump through a few hoops, but they are his rights. whether Epic likes it or not.

I understand that bio dad is entitled to visitation. That's a no-brainer. That bio dad might have to jump through a few hoops to get it? That's good to know. I hope they're flaming hoops.

But many here have attacked Epic and basically said that he and his wife have 'destroyed' the child's life by not informing her. Let's not put the cart before the horse. Bio dad chose to walk away. For 10 years. Let's put the responsibility of this 'destruction' where it belongs**************. on bio dad.

It seems that many here are all up in arms about the daughter not being informed. Ok. So they didn't tell her yet. Is that illegal? Nope. You're all blasting off about legalities but the truth of the matter is that this topic has touched raw nerve with a lot of posters here. And that's my gripe. That they're getting emotional rather than just sticking with the facts.

Cynthia

 

[Isis1]

I understand that bio dad is entitled to visitation. That's a no-brainer. That bio dad might have to jump through a few hoops to get it? That's good to know. I hope they're flaming hoops.

But many here have attacked Epic and basically said that he and his wife have 'destroyed' the child's life by not informing her. Let's not put the cart before the horse. Bio dad chose to walk away. For 10 years. Let's put the responsibility of this 'destruction' where it belongs**************. on bio dad.

It seems that many here are all up in arms about the daughter not being informed. Ok. So they didn't tell her yet. Is that illegal? Nope. You're all blasting off about legalities but the truth of the matter is that this topic has touched raw nerve with a lot of posters here. And that's my gripe. That they're getting emotional rather than just sticking with the facts.

Cynthia

WRONG! everyone is on the side of the child. the innocent child whose ever dearing mother has lied to her all those years. to the bedmate who is a part of those shennigans. for ten whole years. because it's so much easier to pretend dad doesn't exist. lets pretend mom is a saint and didn't have sex with someone who fake dad considers a loser. lets rub that into the child's face. lets rub into the child how half of her is no good. and worthless. because she doesn't contain the true bloodline of "daddy dearest".

 

[Incyndiary]

WRONG! everyone is on the side of the child. the innocent child whose ever dearing mother has lied to her all those years. to the bedmate who is a part of those shennigans. for ten whole years. because it's so much easier to pretend dad doesn't exist. lets pretend mom is a saint and didn't have sex with someone who fake dad considers a loser. lets rub that into the child's face. lets rub into the child how half of her is no good. and worthless. because she doesn't contain the true bloodline of "daddy dearest".

From what I understand, Step-dad and mom haven't lied to the child. They weren't 'dissing' bio dad to daughter. They simply had decided to withhold this information until the child was older. They said nothing. (And 'pretending' that bio dad didn't exist wasn't so difficult since bio dad was NOT an existing factor in daughter's life. AT ALL.) They made a choice to tell her LATER. There's no law against that. Some might feel that it was wrong. They're certainly entitled to their opinions. But to automatically assume this was the wrong choice? Pfffffft. It could very well have been a damn GOOD decision. They made a decision based on what they felt was best for their daughter. And who knows better than Epic and his wife?

Oh, and someone here mentioned how it was wrong to assume the bio dad is a dead beat. 10 years MIA and hasn't paid squat in child support? I'd say 'dead beat' is a pretty fair assumption. And, IMO, calling him a dead beat is far too kind.

Excuse me? Everyone is on the side of the child? I think I can safely assume that step dad and mom ARE ON their child's side. Certainly more so than the lot of us here. Who are we? We're NOBODY in that child's life.

 

[Proserpina]

It seems that many here are all up in arms about the daughter not being informed. Ok. So they didn't tell her yet. Is that illegal? Nope. You're all blasting off about legalities but the truth of the matter is that this topic has touched raw nerve with a lot of posters here. And that's my gripe. That they're getting emotional rather than just sticking with the facts.

Nope. The reason people are up in arms is because your posts have gone entirely against the grain of legality.

WE are getting emotional? Nope. You - and you're not alone - have brought emotion into it. Emotion is why you responded to begin with, and that's what's guiding you now. And yes, they've lied to this child. It's that simple.

Frankly you're the last one who should be talking about sticking to the facts - if you had done that this conversation wouldn't be happening, period. So in the spirit of your latest post, let's stick to the facts.

OP is not Dad. OP will not become Dad until and unless Dad signs over his rights voluntarily or his rights are terminated involuntarily. Whether OP, Mom, you or anyone else likes it, Dad still has rights and will be allowed to exercise those rights until a court decides otherwise.

That. Is. It.

As for not telling the daughter....you're right. It's not illegal to do that.

It's just lousy parenting.

Period.

 

[Proserpina]

One other thing.

You stated quite clearly that you had once worked as an assistant to a family (divorce, I believe?) attorney. Perhaps the reason you're receiving the replies that you are is because you have - whether it was intended or not - implied that you have at least some idea of how the law works. Yet your posts indicate otherwise.

Seriously, is there a reason for this?

 

[Ohiogal]

Isn't this supposed to be a forum where others can obtain information and support? I guess that's where I'm totally off base here. And it's quite OK to slam me and/or my opinion. I really couldn't care less. What got up my nose is the way that so many of you appeared to be SLAMMING Epic (and quite brutally, I might add) when all he was doing was coming here for some advice.

For example, Ohiogal's response:



"You are the lying bedmate who screws the mother's child..."

Oh, fercryinoutloud! Was that called for? Was it necessary? Was it ACCURATE??? Pffffffffft. It was nothing but inflammatory.

And if you want to see real destruction, just bring bio dad back in the picture to really mess with that poor kid's head. Oh, yeah, bio dad sure has his 'rights'. And, unfortunately, the daughter may not have any right to say that she has NO desire to 'visit' with a STRANGE MAN. I sure as hell wouldn't want to put my daughter in the hands of a man who hasn't seen her since infancy. Rights? He gave up his rights when he walked out of that child's life. If not legally, he sure as hell did emotionally.

Sorry, but I'm with the guy who's seeking help here. Not the unknown schmuck who's resurfaced for whatever damn reason.

Cynthia

Cynthia what I posted was true. HE is the bedmate of mom and he is LYING to the child. Hence he is the lying bedmate on mom. YOU are not posting information. YOU are posting stupidity and BS masquerading as information. The father (biological) did NOT give up his rights when he walked out of that child's life. LEGALLY is the point here. Emotionally you can basically choke on it. He can come back and request visitation and be awarded a graduated visitation schedule which begins with supervised visits and progresses. YOUR "information" is completely and blatantly wrong. Keep posting that bull and YOU will not be here very long.

 

[Ohiogal]

From what I understand, Step-dad and mom haven't lied to the child. They weren't 'dissing' bio dad to daughter. They simply had decided to withhold this information until the child was older. They said nothing. (And 'pretending' that bio dad didn't exist wasn't so difficult since bio dad was NOT an existing factor in daughter's life. AT ALL.) They made a choice to tell her LATER. There's no law against that. Some might feel that it was wrong. They're certainly entitled to their opinions. But to automatically assume this was the wrong choice? Pfffffft. It could very well have been a damn GOOD decision. They made a decision based on what they felt was best for their daughter. And who knows better than Epic and his wife?

Oh, and someone here mentioned how it was wrong to assume the bio dad is a dead beat. 10 years MIA and hasn't paid squat in child support? I'd say 'dead beat' is a pretty fair assumption. And, IMO, calling him a dead beat is far too kind.

Excuse me? Everyone is on the side of the child? I think I can safely assume that step dad and mom ARE ON their child's side. Certainly more so than the lot of us here. Who are we? We're NOBODY in that child's life.

They did lie to the child -- about her parentage. That is the most basic lie around. Stepdad and mom are NOT on their child's side. They are on the side of protecting their great little fantasy life where stepdad can pretend to be real legal daddy. Mom is on the side of protecting her lies. That is NOT on the side of the child. This child should NEVER have been led to believe that the man who shares mom's bed is actually her father.

 

[LdiJ]

Cynthia what I posted was true. HE is the bedmate of mom and he is LYING to the child. Hence he is the lying bedmate on mom. YOU are not posting information. YOU are posting stupidity and BS masquerading as information. The father (biological) did NOT give up his rights when he walked out of that child's life. LEGALLY is the point here. Emotionally you can basically choke on it. He can come back and request visitation and be awarded a graduated visitation schedule which begins with supervised visits and progresses. YOUR "information" is completely and blatantly wrong. Keep posting that bull and YOU will not be here very long.

While its true that he is mom's bedmate, its also incredibly inflammatory and rude to call someone's spouse, their bedmate.

I think that when you say that when its someone's boyfriend or girlfriend or even fiance, its a bit inflammatory but it makes a good point, shock value-wise. It can be a good wake-up call to the poster. However, when you say it when its someone's spouse, you are dissing the whole institution of marriage.

You wouldn't say that it court about someone's spouse, so why say it here?

 

[Ohiogal]

While its true that he is mom's bedmate, its also incredibly inflammatory and rude to call someone's spouse, their bedmate.

I think that when you say that when its someone's boyfriend or girlfriend or even fiance, its a bit inflammatory but it makes a good point, shock value-wise. It can be a good wake-up call to the poster. However, when you say it when its someone's spouse, you are dissing the whole institution of marriage.

You wouldn't say that it court about someone's spouse, so why say it here?

You have no clue what I have said in court. When it comes to the child he is the mother's bedmate. Dissing the whole institution of marriage? Really? Is that the same as how homosexual unions cheapen the institution of marriage? I mean if I am dissing the whole institution of marriage then marriage is apparently not all that important if it can be insulted so easily.

 

[cyjeff]

Telling a child that a legal stranger is "dad" is a lie.

Further, such a lie will help the father's case in court by showing a willingness on the part of the mother to replace him in his legal child's life.

I do not disregard the emotional impact. However, it is an impact that MUST be addressed in short order.

We do not know if this guardianship was ever recognized by a court. If it was merely a "land grab", it has no meaning and will be further evidence to the court that there has been a back door adoption attempted.

Courts do not enjoy it when people claim children as their own without legal right to do so.

The OP may have his heart in the right place. However, every single action that has been outlined as evidence of his "right" to the child will be seen by a court of law as actions designed to deny the child a relationship with her father.

Not bio father... father.

Look at it this way. You are the father. You have gotten your act back together only to find out that your child doesn't have any idea that you exist. That you have been erased from the child's knowledge and that she calls another man "dad".

It has been said here often but, apparently, bears repeating. The time for mom to choose whom would raise her children was prior to sex. Now, that time is passed.