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  1. #1
    epic1231 is offline Junior Member
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    Exclamation Dead Beat Dad Trying to Get Visitation

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

    Ok I am the new father, I married my wife when her daughter was only a few months old and we have raised her as my own with full knowledge that when she is old enough we will explain the situation to her.

    Her ex was a drunk/abusive drug addict who spent more time locked up then on the outside.. He has not seen my daughter in almost 8 years now (she is 9) and has paid about $1000 in child support (over 25k outstanding currently). He has been picked up on bench warrents about the child support at least 15 times but keeps walking sometimes without paying anything towards it which I feel is disgusting..

    I have been lucky enough to cover my daughter under my health and benefits insurances and have paid every penny for her since she was a baby.

    Today we get a certified Priority Mail that he is now coming after us to reduce his child support rate (which he doesn't pay) and request Visitation since we do not allow him to see her apparently (not like he has ever made an attempt either)

    One issue I noticed right away is the date on the letter for court states court is Sept 20th 2009, which is a Sunday!! -- you can clearly notice it has been whited out and that it said 21st on it.. So I would like to nail him for that, not sure what it is called but changing official documents or something?

    Secondly, my daughter was just diagnosed with Autism, she is having alot of trouble in school with her social skills and change is really tough on her.

    Does this SOB have any chance, we have two great lawyers and he is representing himself.. Unfortunately our meeting with the lawyers is not until next week and I am so upset right now I have been searching all night for some type of information to what could / may happen in a case like this.

    I am her legal guardian granted through the courts and backed by my wife and her parents, but I am not her adopted father as of yet, although I call her my daughter and she knows noone else but me as Daddy.

    Please let me know, what in your experience may happen and what I need to prepare myself for.

    Regards


    ----edit-----

    Few Things I would like to Add

    1) He has no job no employment has no way of providing any income support and states on his paperwork exactly as follows--

    "Lives with Family they are Supporting Me and Paying My Bills Currently"

    2) No car or transportation, lost license due to many DWI for many years, has no way of getting her around or to or from any visitations



    The last thing this is more of a question, is there a way to search online to see if this document we received is actually legit, like a Court Record Search or something like that? ( I see all them pay scams ones but i mean through NJ can I check online and see if this has actually been presented to the courts )
    Last edited by epic1231; 08-27-2009 at 07:39 PM. Reason: venting still sorry
  2. #2
    Isis1 is offline Senior Member
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    oh for your sake, please read this thread first

    [url]http://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/newbies-please-read-before-posting-387214.html[/url]


    then come back and edit. very quickly.
  3. #3
    mommyof4 is offline Senior Member
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    I'm only going to say one thing at this time.

    This 9 year old girl needs to be told the TRUTH of her parentage....NOW. Then, you get her into couseling because she is going to need it.

    In reality, it should have never been a secret. Ever. You and Mom should have always been upfront with her.

    Now, take Isabella's advie and edit your post.
  4. #4
    epic1231 is offline Junior Member
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    I followed step 1 - the rest I don't know, feel free to lock or delete or whatever you need to do, I'm not going to edit the post, I was looking for information and figured I would explain what the situation is from our point of view.. If that goes against the forums rules, I do apologize

    I thank you for your input but I don't feel she is of age to understand right now the truth she has not seen him since she was an infant, telling her now will only confuse her and will not help the situation since he is not around and has not ever wanted to be around until this letter today.
  5. #5
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by epic1231 View Post

    `
    The last thing this is more of a question, is there a way to search online to see if this document we received is actually legit, like a Court Record Search or something like that? ( I see all them pay scams ones but i mean through NJ can I check online and see if this has actually been presented to the courts )
    Call the court house and ask 'em.
  6. #6
    Isis1 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by epic1231 View Post
    I followed step 1 - the rest I don't know, feel free to lock or delete or whatever you need to do, I'm not going to edit the post, I was looking for information and figured I would explain what the situation is from our point of view.. If that goes against the forums rules, I do apologize

    I thank you for your input but I don't feel she is of age to understand right now the truth she has not seen him since she was an infant, telling her now will only confuse her and will not help the situation since he is not around and has not ever wanted to be around until this letter today.
    okay. then here goes.

    dad will get some form of custody. he can get a graduated visitation plan to start off with. without an attorney. very simple to do. whether you like it or not.

    was dad served with you being the legal guardian? did mom relinquish her parental rights in order for that to be done?

    you being a legal guardian, does not override dad's consitutional rights.

    not paying child support does not lessen his rights to visitation.

    now, you can either sit down and tell her NOW about her real father, or you can wait until her first visitation day and she can be more traumatized then you claim she will be.
  7. #7
    melanie679 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dogmatique View Post
    Call the court house and ask 'em.
    Also, the courthouse website may have a "case search". If so, you can do a "party name" search using the father's name.
  8. #8
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by epic1231 View Post
    I followed step 1 - the rest I don't know, feel free to lock or delete or whatever you need to do, I'm not going to edit the post, I was looking for information and figured I would explain what the situation is from our point of view.. If that goes against the forums rules, I do apologize

    I thank you for your input but I don't feel she is of age to understand right now the truth she has not seen him since she was an infant, telling her now will only confuse her and will not help the situation since he is not around and has not ever wanted to be around until this letter today.
    If you had been truthful from the get-go it wouldn't have been a problem.

    But you've both lied to her and if Dad gets visitation the blame for any trauma is going to lie heavily on you and Mom. He's not actually a saint here, but he didn't lie to her for 8 years.

    We do understand where you're coming from - but you're not Dad. Until his rights are terminated and you adopt her, she's not your daughter. Please understand why so many of us point this out - it's not because we have nothing better to do. But usurping Dad's rights (motive doesn't really matter) can land your wife in an awful lot of trouble and jeopardize HER custody.

    Unfortunately being a deadbeat isn't illegal. This could have been taken care of years ago (grounds for abandonment appear to be present - or at least they were) - but it does seem like Mom has waited a little too long.

    He's still Dad - and he still has rights.
  9. #9
    mommyof4 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by epic1231 View Post
    I followed step 1 - the rest I don't know, feel free to lock or delete or whatever you need to do, I'm not going to edit the post, I was looking for information and figured I would explain what the situation is from our point of view.. If that goes against the forums rules, I do apologize

    I thank you for your input but I don't feel she is of age to understand right now the truth she has not seen him since she was an infant, telling her now will only confuse her and will not help the situation since he is not around and has not ever wanted to be around until this letter today.

    Epic....

    The truth is about to pop out and whap this little girl upside the head. Now, either you and Mom can tell her and try to cushion the blow or someone else can tell her. Your choice. It WILL come out and it WILL devestate this little girl. (hence, the suggestion to get her into couseling).

    Dad has every right to sue for visitation. Unless it is proven that he is a danger to the child, he will be granted some form of visitation plan, most likely a graduated plan starting with short supervised visits working up to a regular schedule of unsupervised visits including weekend time, holidays, and summer.

    Time to face reality. She's old enough to know whether you want her to be or not. Time's up.


    Child support is a different issue. It is not admission to see the child. He can file for a modification of CS. Not knowing his actual circumstances and not being the judge, I can't tell you if he will prevail.

    PS: My husband is the only 'father' my oldest has ever known. She has, however, ALWAYS known the true circumstances of her parentage. It's never been a big deal. It's much easier to be upfront and tell her how lucky she is that she is so loved than it would have been to have been caught out in a lie 8 or 9 years down the line. My daughter is now 13 (very soon to be 14). My husband has been around her since she was 9 months old.
    Last edited by mommyof4; 08-27-2009 at 08:08 PM.
  10. #10
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by melanie679 View Post
    Also, the courthouse website may have a "case search". If so, you can do a "party name" search using the father's name.
    Good point - I've done that a few times here, too.
  11. #11
    BL
    BL is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by epic1231 View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

    Ok I am the new father, I married my wife when her daughter was only a few months old and we have raised her as my own with full knowledge that when she is old enough we will explain the situation to her.

    Her ex was a drunk/abusive drug addict who spent more time locked up then on the outside.. He has not seen my daughter in almost 8 years now (she is 9) and has paid about $1000 in child support (over 25k outstanding currently). He has been picked up on bench warrents about the child support at least 15 times but keeps walking sometimes without paying anything towards it which I feel is disgusting..

    I have been lucky enough to cover my daughter under my health and benefits insurances and have paid every penny for her since she was a baby.

    Today we get a certified Priority Mail that he is now coming after us to reduce his child support rate (which he doesn't pay) and request Visitation since we do not allow him to see her apparently (not like he has ever made an attempt either)

    One issue I noticed right away is the date on the letter for court states court is Sept 20th 2009, which is a Sunday!! -- you can clearly notice it has been whited out and that it said 21st on it.. So I would like to nail him for that, not sure what it is called but changing official documents or something?

    Secondly, my daughter was just diagnosed with Autism, she is having alot of trouble in school with her social skills and change is really tough on her.

    Does this SOB have any chance, we have two great lawyers and he is representing himself.. Unfortunately our meeting with the lawyers is not until next week and I am so upset right now I have been searching all night for some type of information to what could / may happen in a case like this.

    I am her legal guardian granted through the courts and backed by my wife and her parents, but I am not her adopted father as of yet, although I call her my daughter and she knows noone else but me as Daddy.

    Please let me know, what in your experience may happen and what I need to prepare myself for.

    Regards


    ----edit-----

    Few Things I would like to Add

    1) He has no job no employment has no way of providing any income support and states on his paperwork exactly as follows--

    "Lives with Family they are Supporting Me and Paying My Bills Currently"

    2) No car or transportation, lost license due to many DWI for many years, has no way of getting her around or to or from any visitations



    The last thing this is more of a question, is there a way to search online to see if this document we received is actually legit, like a Court Record Search or something like that? ( I see all them pay scams ones but i mean through NJ can I check online and see if this has actually been presented to the courts )
    Excuse me ,but would you like to enlighten the forum as what Legal guardianship you have ? How it was granted through the courts ? , and why since you live and are married to Mom ?

    What makes you believe you are Daddio , " Legally " ?

    You are NOT , and " the real Dad please stand up " , will be granted some sorta graduated visitation rights .

    You and Mom deal with it ,like Adults , and don't you guys traumatize the child .

    As far as the date , how do you know and can prove Dad changed it ?

    Could have been a clerk's error with another error .

    If it's found out by the court Dad intentionally altered it to gain a default ,then the court will certainly deal with it.
  12. #12
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by epic1231 View Post
    I followed step 1 - the rest I don't know, feel free to lock or delete or whatever you need to do, I'm not going to edit the post, I was looking for information and figured I would explain what the situation is from our point of view.. If that goes against the forums rules, I do apologize

    I thank you for your input but I don't feel she is of age to understand right now the truth she has not seen him since she was an infant, telling her now will only confuse her and will not help the situation since he is not around and has not ever wanted to be around until this letter today.
    YOU are not the "NEW FATHER" -- you are the lying bedmate who screws the child's mother. UNDERSTAND? The child never should have been lied to. Because the adults in her life screwed up this child's life will be destroyed. She should have been told the truth all along. If he goes to court he will get visitation. The child will need counseling. And you and mom can congratulate yourself on being pathetic excuses of humanity. Congrats.

    YOU have no standing at all for this. YOU are NOT a party to this. YOU are nothing more than the man who married mom and has helped mom destroy her child. YOU will not be in the courtroom as a party. Deal with it.

    And the child is NOT your daughter. She is your stepdaughter. But not your daughter. Unless of course you were in bed with mom the night she was conceived.
    Last edited by Ohiogal; 08-27-2009 at 08:52 PM.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  13. #13
    workinggal is offline Member
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    Does this make the father a saint in all of this? It seems everyone is coming down on the mother and her husband, what about the father's actions in all this?
  14. #14
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by workinggal View Post
    Does this make the father a saint in all of this? It seems everyone is coming down on the mother and her husband, what about the father's actions in all this?
    A) I don't believe anyone said (or even loosely implied) that Dad is a saint
    B) Dad isn't the one who has lied to this child for 8 years
    C) Just because Dad is something of a deadbeat doesn't make it ok to traumatize the child.

    And this WILL traumatize her.

    Nobody is condoning Dad's actions. Nobody is congratulating him or holding him in high regard.
  15. #15
    happybug is offline Member
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    "I thank you for your input but I don't feel she is of age to understand right now the truth she has not seen him since she was an infant, telling her now will only confuse her and will not help the situation since he is not around and has not ever wanted to be around until this letter today."

    So, why did you start lying to her to begin with? I was adopted and it was NEVER a secret. It was discussed openly before I even had a clue what it was all about. It is a part of me. Not a secret part. Not a shameful part. It just is and it always was. It was never traumatic because I never knew any different. Your wife is going to have to turn her daughter over to her FATHER for visitation in the very near future. Who are you going to tell her he is? Hope as you might, a judge is NEVER going to decide you trump DAD and make Dad go away. Dad is asking for parenting time and he WILL get it. It may start supervised, it may be gradual but it IS going to happen. Your wife's daughter would never have been "confused" if she wasn't flat out LIED to by you and her mother. YOU decided she was too young to know the truth and now a court is going to disagree. Not only is she going to be blindsided by the fact that you are not her father, her FATHER is coming at her out of nowhere. Tell me how you have done your step-daughter any favors here?
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