default custody?

[AnotherLostDad]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado

My wife moved out memorial day weekend of 2008 leaving me with our then 18mo son. I agreed that she could see him when ever she wanted to hoping she'd still be a part of his life.
That year she came to see him 3 times, and picked him up to stay overnight with her 3 times. I later found out from her family that her over nights consisted of her dropping him off at her sister's house and ignoring him to be on the internet the entire weekend. She eventually started canceling or just not showing up when she said she would to see him.
The last time she saw him was Christmas of 08 right after he turned 2. She came by my mom's house when we were there, said hi to him from the doorway, dropped off some presents for him and then said she had to go.

I haven't heard from her since just before the 4th of July in 2009 when she canceled on her request to pick him up. She missed his 3rd birthday, and hasn't responded to any of my phone calls or emails since. At my last knowledge she was living with her mother, but since she's stopped contact I'm unsure of even that now.

I haven't filed for divorce because she had threatened to sue for full custody. Given her lack of care for him when we were together I don't think it's in his best interest to live with her full time, or honestly be with her overnight with out supervision.

My opinions on this are mostly due to things that might just amount to a difference of opinion on parenting but somethings that weren't outright neglect (I think) but can't be proven anyway. Like putting a baby gate in his bedroom door and leaving him in there all day just giving him bottles and changing him when he'd cry long enough to bother her. When I came home early one day and found him in his room hungry with a messy diaper she admitted to me she did this. At that point I started having my sister or my mom watch him, or just hang out at the house with both of them while I was at work.

Unfortunately they weren't available for all of my shifts. There were 2 different incidents while I was at work when he somehow got out of our apartment while in her care and was picked up by the neighbors until the police and cps could be called. I never knew about this until the second time when the social worker came back when I was there to talk to me and make sure I was really in the picture. It was almost 2 months after this that she left.

If I were to file for divorce at this point, is it possible she could get full custody? I'm hoping she can get her self together and be a productive part of his life, but I can't imagine leaving him alone with her for to long after everything, plus the fact she hasn't seen him in over a year.

 

[Banned_Princess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Colorado

My wife moved out memorial day weekend of 2008 leaving me with our then 18mo son. I agreed that she could see him when ever she wanted to hoping she'd still be a part of his life.
That year she came to see him 3 times, and picked him up to stay overnight with her 3 times. I later found out from her family that her over nights consisted of her dropping him off at her sister's house and ignoring him to be on the internet the entire weekend. She eventually started canceling or just not showing up when she said she would to see him.
The last time she saw him was Christmas of 08 right after he turned 2. She came by my mom's house when we were there, said hi to him from the doorway, dropped off some presents for him and then said she had to go.

I haven't heard from her since just before the 4th of July in 2009 when she canceled on her request to pick him up. She missed his 3rd birthday, and hasn't responded to any of my phone calls or emails since. At my last knowledge she was living with her mother, but since she's stopped contact I'm unsure of even that now.

I haven't filed for divorce because she had threatened to sue for full custody. Given her lack of care for him when we were together I don't think it's in his best interest to live with her full time, or honestly be with her overnight with out supervision.

My opinions on this are mostly due to things that might just amount to a difference of opinion on parenting but somethings that weren't outright neglect (I think) but can't be proven anyway. Like putting a baby gate in his bedroom door and leaving him in there all day just giving him bottles and changing him when he'd cry long enough to bother her. When I came home early one day and found him in his room hungry with a messy diaper she admitted to me she did this. At that point I started having my sister or my mom watch him, or just hang out at the house with both of them while I was at work.

Unfortunately they weren't available for all of my shifts. There were 2 different incidents while I was at work when he somehow got out of our apartment while in her care and was picked up by the neighbors until the police and cps could be called. I never knew about this until the second time when the social worker came back when I was there to talk to me and make sure I was really in the picture. It was almost 2 months after this that she left.

If I were to file for divorce at this point, is it possible she could get full custody? I'm hoping she can get her self together and be a productive part of his life, but I can't imagine leaving him alone with her for to long after everything, plus the fact she hasn't seen him in over a year.

Don't be afraid of a divorce, at this point, your pretty much in as far as custodial parent...


It is most possible you will get full custody, and she will get visitation, and child support payments.

 

[fuzzyhead]

Sounds to me like she really doesn't want to be a mother. Chances are she is just telling you that she will file for full custody because she wants to scare you. If your family can testify to the fact that she hasn't been there for your child you have the upper hand as long as you have been a good parent. If I were you I would go ahead and file for a divorce and custody. The child has been living with you and the court will most likely keep it that way. She can have visitation but if she doesn't want to see the child now then she probably won't anytime soon. Also, she might not even show up to court. As long as you have been a good parent then you don't have anything to worry about. She neglected him in the past, and social sevices were involved for the incident when he was in her care. Do what is best for your son.

 

[LdiJ]

The child has lived with you exclusively for almost two years.

Mom would not have a hope in heck of getting full custody.

 

[AnotherLostDad]

Sounds to me like she really doesn't want to be a mother. Chances are she is just telling you that she will file for full custody because she wants to scare you.son.

I think you're right. Since we've been separated I've found out from people that she knew she was pregnant before she ever told me and did things to intentionally cause a miscarriage. Luckily our son was born healthy if almost premature.

I guess I'm just a bit concerned since I have no idea how family law/divorce works. I've always thought when two people divorce and they have kids the mother gets custody and if he's not a failure the father gets visitation. Growing up that's how it was. I guess things have changed since then. Thanks for the advice/encouragement.

 

[AnotherLostDad]

I have a couple other questions related to this if no one minds.

I've been told that since we have a child together I need a lawyer and can't file my self because of the mandatory court appearance. Is this correct?

Second question - I was in the Army before our son was born, was discharged medically after receiving injuries. These injuries have since healed properly and I have been cleared to re-enlist if I want to. Would this have any effect on the the divorce/custody outcomes? I have my family's support for deployment (my mom and sister) if its needed. My re-enlistment is only waiting for me to show up and sign the paperwork. I'm hesitant to do so with out first taking care of the divorce issue, as I'm certain that once we move she'd never show up (I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she'll show up if I file here) and I don't want it to look like I'm trying to make it difficult for her.

The main reason I've considered waiting is financial. I could easily pay for the court costs and lawyer needed with my re-enlistment bonus and salary. Right now its getting harder and harder to make ends meet which is the reason I looked in to re-enlisting to begin with.

Sorry I seem to ramble on a bit. Thanks again for any help.

 

[Ohiogal]

I have a couple other questions related to this if no one minds.

I've been told that since we have a child together I need a lawyer and can't file my self because of the mandatory court appearance. Is this correct?

You can file pro se and represent yourself at the court appearance. You don't NEED an attorney but you need to understand the rules of civil procedure.

Second question - I was in the Army before our son was born, was discharged medically after receiving injuries. These injuries have since healed properly and I have been cleared to re-enlist if I want to. Would this have any effect on the the divorce/custody outcomes?

Yes it could due to the fact that you would be a single parent and that causes issues with deployment and such -- if the military would allow a single parent with primary custody to enlist. There has been debate lately on this list about that.

I have my family's support for deployment (my mom and sister) if its needed. My re-enlistment is only waiting for me to show up and sign the paperwork. I'm hesitant to do so with out first taking care of the divorce issue, as I'm certain that once we move she'd never show up (I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she'll show up if I file here) and I don't want it to look like I'm trying to make it difficult for her.

The main reason I've considered waiting is financial. I could easily pay for the court costs and lawyer needed with my re-enlistment bonus and salary. Right now its getting harder and harder to make ends meet which is the reason I looked in to re-enlisting to begin with.

Sorry I seem to ramble on a bit. Thanks again for any help.

If you enlist who would provide care if you are deployed? Because mom would have primary rights to custody in that case. Not your mother or sister.

 

[AnotherLostDad]

If you enlist who would provide care if you are deployed? Because mom would have primary rights to custody in that case. Not your mother or sister.

I realize she would have primary rights to custody. I didn't think about weather or not they'd let me enlist as a single parent. I know my mom would be primary care giver while I was deployed. (assuming that my son's mother has no interest in showing up for him even after the divorce.) When she moved in with her mother she wasn't even allowed to keep our son over night because her mother didn't want to be raising another child. So if she's still living there she would have no where for him to stay.

I guess my choices are to rethink my career path, or not file for divorce and let things stay as they are and re-enlist.

 

[mommyof4]

I realize she would have primary rights to custody. I didn't think about weather or not they'd let me enlist as a single parent. I know my mom would be primary care giver while I was deployed. (assuming that my son's mother has no interest in showing up for him even after the divorce.) When she moved in with her mother she wasn't even allowed to keep our son over night because her mother didn't want to be raising another child. So if she's still living there she would have no where for him to stay.

I guess my choices are to rethink my career path, or not file for divorce and let things stay as they are and re-enlist.

Simple answer:

Rethink your career path.

You cannot enlist while retaining custody of the child.

 

[csi7]

You will be allowed to enlist, as long as you have a primary provider for deployment. Your mother and sister are willing to support your career.

You need to get the custody issue sorted out with the child's mother so that it does not create difficulty in the future for you, your child, your mother, your sister, and anyone else involved.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[mommyof4]

You will be allowed to enlist, as long as you have a primary provider for deployment. Your mother and sister are willing to support your career.

100% incorrect.

In order to enlist, he must relinquish custody of the child.

It is not the same as already being enlisted in the military and then becoming a single parent with custodial rights.

You need to get the custody issue sorted out with the child's mother so that it does not create difficulty in the future for you, your child, your mother, your sister, and anyone else involved.

Good luck with your decision.

His mother and sister have nothing to do with the custody proceedings unless he and Mom BOTH agree that either one of the aforementioned women will have custody of the child.

ETA: Here are the enlistment standards for the USArmy. I will be more than happy to post for the other branches (for instance, I know that if one is wishing to enlist with the Marines, custody must be legally changed PERMANENTLY and a 1 year waiting period is imposed from the date of the court order before enlistment is granted), but for now, this will have to do.

http://www.us-army-info.com/pages/pdfs/enlistment-standards.doc

c. DEPENDENTS:
1) An applicant meets dependency requirements of this rule if he or she is¬
(a) Without a spouse and with no dependents.
(b) Married and, in addition to the spouse, has two or less dependents.
(c) Without a spouse and does not have custody of dependents.(d) Married and, in addition to the spouse, has three or more dependents under the age of 18 and a waiver is granted .
2) An applicant does not meet dependency requirements of this rule if¬
(a) Applicant is married and, in addition to the spouse, has three or more dependents under the age of 18.
(b) Applicant is part of a husband and wife team and has one or more dependents under the age of 18. (Waivers will not be considered.)
(c) Applicant has a spouse currently on active duty or a member of a Reserve Component of the U.S. Armed Forces and has a dependent under the age 18. (Waivers may be considered.)
(d) Applicant is without a spouse and has custody of at least one dependent under 18 years of age. (Waivers will not be considered.)
(e) Applicant is without a spouse and is required to pay child support for more than two dependents by court order. (Waivers may be considered.)
(f) Applicant is married and is court ordered to pay child support for one or more dependents from previous marriage or relationship and, when added to total of dependents from current marriage or relationship, the number of dependents, in addition to the spouse, is more than two under the age of 18. (Waivers may be considered.)
(g) Applicant’s spouse has custody of one or more dependents previous to current marriage, and, when added to total dependents from current marriage, the number of dependents, in addition to the spouse, is more than two under the age of 18. (Waivers may be considered.)

 

[AnotherLostDad]

100% incorrect.

In order to enlist, he must relinquish custody of the child.

It is not the same as already being enlisted in the military and then becoming a single parent with custodial rights.

So I'm back to where I was before just living in separation with out actually filing for divorce if I want to re-enlist.

 

[Ohiogal]

So I'm back to where I was before just living in separation with out actually filing for divorce if I want to re-enlist.

You can NOT re-enlist now. Why? Because you are a single parent and have custody of your child. YOU are NOT living with your spouse and have been living separate and apart.

 

[mommyof4]

So I'm back to where I was before just living in separation with out actually filing for divorce if I want to re-enlist.

We REALLY need a head banging smilie...


Let's put this in very simple terms.

What is more important to you? Re-enlisting in the military or your child?

If you choose the military, then I don't see why you are agonizing over the decision to finally divorce your wife because you are worried you won't retain custody of your child. (and not to be mean, but more to give you an enlightening slap upside the head....MAN UP ALREADY!!!)

If you choose the military, then you don't have to worry about maintaining custody of your child because the military will demand that you relinquish custody, anyway. And yes...Mom would have first shot at custody. Waaaaaay before your mom or sister.

This is NOT a difficult concept to grasp. Stop making excuses as to why you won't do something.

 

[AnotherLostDad]

Let's put this in very simple terms.

What is more important to you? Re-enlisting in the military or your child?

I know you're right. I'm just trying to do better for him. I loved being a soldier and I was good at it. It's what I had always planned on doing. I never thought I'd have to choose between that dream and my son, not that it's a choice really. I don't even know how to do anything else, but I guess it's time to figure it out.

I think this post has turned in to more therapy than advice.