I can answer your question as to why moms/dads get upset with steps. First of all you said "we" got custody. NO....your husband has custody, NOT you. parents catch these phrases very quickly. You can state you love your step child, and I believe you do, but it is still a different relationship and love all together. That child's parent is dealing with a high emotional loss from being seperated from "their" child. When a third party becomes involved with their childs life such as a new spouse, then that person tends to interfere. It doesn't even have to be hostile interference either, which is very common. It can be a form of trying to intervene, or help in that step's mind, or sticking up for their new spouse. As a step you need to "step" back, and stay out of it, unless the child is in danger. This child has nothing to do with you other than you being married to their parent, in which you agreed to accept mom/dad along with the two of you when you married into an already made family . Many step parents grow to love their spouses child. But it is still different. Moms and dads not only have a sense of loss, they have a protectiveness towards their child which is unconditional. So when there is strife or concerns with the child then let mom and dad work together on it. Steps have no right to those decisions. You and your new spouse can talk on your own time together on the issues, but it is between only the two parents who brought their child into the world to make all decisions no matter how minor. Little remarks, such as We got custody, even if in your mind you think you are trying to be helpful towards your spouse, is cutting in on the other parents territory and you are over stepping boundaries. Since you have no rights when both parents are still in the picture and making decisions "together" in regards to their child. Your boundaries are with your spouse only, the childs boundaries are only within the biological parents decisions. If more steps minded their own business, and let the parents work it out alone together, there would be less strife, stress, and happier kids. Heck, maybe the new spouse might just get along with "mom." Faith