Ex forfietting Christmas this year. How does that affect next year?

[2Mistakes]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MS

My ex-wife has not has not seen our children since July 4th. She has called them twice in that 3 month period.

She had the kids for 6 weeks, which ended July 4th. I got them back that day. I asked her when she wanted to resume EOW, and she said that I could have them for 6 weeks, and then we would go back to her getting them EOW.

That would have been August 15th. Starting the week before August 15th, I have emailed her every other week to see if she was going to get the kids. Her response has been, "no" or "I can't" every time. Last month, when I asked her, she replied that she will not be able to get the kids for an unknown period of time, and not to plan on her getting them again until she lets me know.

**REMINDER** The court ordered visitation is that she gets them every summer for 6 weeks, every other Christmas, and every other Spring Break. There is no EOW visitation in the order because she lived too far away when the order was made. Since she moved closer in Nov. 2007, we have been doing EOW.

My parents asked me yesterday if they could take the kids to a Halloween party on October 25th. Using the tools I've learned here, I did not tell the kids about the party, and I told my parents, "That's supposed to be (EX'S) weekend. Let me see what her plans are."

So, I emailed the ex last night to see if she is getting the kids that weekend. Her response was, "I already told you not to plan on me getting them every other weekend until I let you know. Would you please stop bugging me every other week about this. I'll let you know when I can get them. Don't email me about it again."

Alrighty then! I'm just trying to facilitate a relationship here, but ok. Whatever.

The last part of her email also said, "I also won't be getting them this Christmas. I'll just get them next Christmas."

And that's what brings up my question.

I had them last Christmas. She is supposed to have them this Christmas. So I would have them next Christmas.

Can she just swap this Christmas for next Christmas? Or does she forfeit this Christmas, and next Christmas is still my Christmas?

I'm probably going to get blasted here, but I'll tell you why I'm asking. My kids have a step-sister, and while I know she is a legal stranger to them, the kids all think of each other as siblings. They are VERY close. When the schedule with my ex went into effect, my wife swapped Christmases out with her ex-husband so that her daughter would be here on the same Christmases that my kids are here. I would like to keep it that way.

My step-daughter's father went 2 Christmases in a row without her to accomodate my wife's request to swap, and I am not having my wife ask him to do it again. He's an awesome guy, and he has already bent over backwards for us to accomodate changes in MY order with my ex-wife. He has swapped weekends with us when my ex was unwilling to swap, etc. He's the best. He really is.

So, how do I handle this? I want all 4 of the kids with us on the same Christmases, because without all 4 kids, the family really isn't complete.

 

[stealth2]

Well.... my ex has passed on having the kids for his e/w Christmas for several years. Instead, he takes the week between the holidays. Despite what other plans I may have, I accommodate as I think time with their Dad is more important than time with anyone else.

If I were in your shoes, I'd let your skids' Dad have them this Christmas and worry about next year, next year. If yours are going to be with Mom next year, offer to the other kids' Dad to have them next year as well, and then celebrate all together when the kids are all with you.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

The hardest part of divorce is actually learning to deal with NOT having your child on a holiday that you've been used to having. What I really learned out of all of this is that the DAY itself is really not that important. It is that you celebrate WHATEVER when you choose to celebrate.

Mine was gone last year for Christmas. What did that allow me to do? Go shopping AFTER Christmas, when everything was on sale, and get her items that were not overpriced. You can choose to make it a problem, or find the positive in any situation.

Now, you said that the sKid's dad is great. If your X is wanting to switch out this year, why not allow the SKid's dad have the child two years in a row and then try to work around her wonderfulness's schedule. That would certainly be a return for the favor he offered you two.

 

[2Mistakes]

Well.... my ex has passed on having the kids for his e/w Christmas for several years. Instead, he takes the week between the holidays. Despite what other plans I may have, I accommodate as I think time with their Dad is more important than time with anyone else.

If I were in your shoes, I'd let your skids' Dad have them this Christmas and worry about next year, next year. If yours are going to be with Mom next year, offer to the other kids' Dad to have them next year as well, and then celebrate all together when the kids are all with you.

My step-daughter will definately be going to her Dad's this Christmas. He didn't have her for Christmas in '06 or '07 because he was being a nice guy and accomodating us.

And I probably should worry about next year next year, but I like to worry a year in advance.

Usually I would agree that time with their mom is more important than time with anyone else. But this is a woman who didn't see them for 10 months one time. Voluntarily.

This time it's 3 months. Voluntarily. Maybe more than 3 months because she won't give me any indication of when she is going to see them again.

 

[CJane]

This is the exact same thing as the weekends.

Just because she misses weekend X doesn't mean she gets weekend Y. She gave up X. Period.

Though, if you end up in there for a Mod anyway, get it changed to say "In even years Mom gets X holidays" rather than 'every other'.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

2mistakes, on the positive side, she certainly isn't doing much for her case of "going for custody" now, is she?

Quit planning the time so far in advance, unless you've bought cruise tickets 18 months in advance, KWIM? Keep it up and I'll inflict guinea pigs on you.

 

[2Mistakes]

Now, you said that the sKid's dad is great. If your X is wanting to switch out this year, why not allow the SKid's dad have the child two years in a row and then try to work around her wonderfulness's schedule. That would certainly be a return for the favor he offered you two.

THAT is the best idea. I guess my frustration doesn't allow me think sometimes.

I get so frustrated because it seems like I (and by extension my wife and even her ex-husband) always have to bend to my ex-wife.

Her ex-husband could just say no whenever we ask him to switch things up, but he never does. I've said it before, he is a great guy. And he's met my ex. I think he feels sorry for me having to deal with her.

This isn't a legal question, but when is enough enough? I know was CP I have a greater duty to "bend" so that I facilitate a relationship between the kids and my ex, but when is enough enough? When does some of that responsibility placed on her shoulders? She's the NCP, and doesn't really make much of an effort, but then out of the blue decides she wants something in relation to the kids, and I'm ust expected to turn my life on it's side to accomodate her.

 

[2Mistakes]

2mistakes, on the positive side, she certainly isn't doing much for her case of "going for custody" now, is she?

Tell me about it. She makes my head spin. She goes from threatening to sue for custody to not seeing the kids for 3+ months? Makes no sense to me.

Quit planning the time so far in advance, unless you've bought cruise tickets 18 months in advance, KWIM? Keep it up and I'll inflict guinea pigs on you.

Oh, no need for that. My wife took the kids to the pet store the other day and came home with 2 robo-hamsters. (Dwarf hamsters) So now we have the 3 turtles (yes, we still have Splishy, Splashy, and Splooshy) and now we have Lizzie and Despereaux, the 2 robo-hamsters. Life is great!

And as much as I hate to admit it, we really like the turtles. They are a lot of fun.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

I'm willing to bend UNTIL it starts to affect my child negatively. I have been known to put my foot down and take it to court. Was there last year; expect it again in the next few months. I look at the picture on "how will this matter 10 years from now and try to act accordingly."

My mouth is swiss cheese this week because of what I did NOT say.

What eventually happens is that children start to see everything for what it is and do recognize it. If you do right by your children, it does pay dividends in the long run.

 

[2Mistakes]

This is the exact same thing as the weekends.

Just because she misses weekend X doesn't mean she gets weekend Y. She gave up X. Period.

Though, if you end up in there for a Mod anyway, get it changed to say "In even years Mom gets X holidays" rather than 'every other'.

This was my exact thinking, too. She's giving up her Christmas. Next Christmas is still mine.

But to keep the peace, I think my wife and I will see if her ex wants their daughter 2 in a row since he gave up 2 in a row for me.

I haven't talked to my wife about any of this yet, but she's as awesome as her ex-husband, so I know she'll be on board with whatever we need to do.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MS

My ex-wife has not has not seen our children since July 4th. She has called them twice in that 3 month period.

She had the kids for 6 weeks, which ended July 4th. I got them back that day. I asked her when she wanted to resume EOW, and she said that I could have them for 6 weeks, and then we would go back to her getting them EOW.

That would have been August 15th. Starting the week before August 15th, I have emailed her every other week to see if she was going to get the kids. Her response has been, "no" or "I can't" every time. Last month, when I asked her, she replied that she will not be able to get the kids for an unknown period of time, and not to plan on her getting them again until she lets me know.

**REMINDER** The court ordered visitation is that she gets them every summer for 6 weeks, every other Christmas, and every other Spring Break. There is no EOW visitation in the order because she lived too far away when the order was made. Since she moved closer in Nov. 2007, we have been doing EOW.

My parents asked me yesterday if they could take the kids to a Halloween party on October 25th. Using the tools I've learned here, I did not tell the kids about the party, and I told my parents, "That's supposed to be (EX'S) weekend. Let me see what her plans are."

So, I emailed the ex last night to see if she is getting the kids that weekend. Her response was, "I already told you not to plan on me getting them every other weekend until I let you know. Would you please stop bugging me every other week about this. I'll let you know when I can get them. Don't email me about it again."

Alrighty then! I'm just trying to facilitate a relationship here, but ok. Whatever.

The last part of her email also said, "I also won't be getting them this Christmas. I'll just get them next Christmas."

And that's what brings up my question.

I had them last Christmas. She is supposed to have them this Christmas. So I would have them next Christmas.

Can she just swap this Christmas for next Christmas? Or does she forfeit this Christmas, and next Christmas is still my Christmas?

I'm probably going to get blasted here, but I'll tell you why I'm asking. My kids have a step-sister, and while I know she is a legal stranger to them, the kids all think of each other as siblings. They are VERY close. When the schedule with my ex went into effect, my wife swapped Christmases out with her ex-husband so that her daughter would be here on the same Christmases that my kids are here. I would like to keep it that way.

My step-daughter's father went 2 Christmases in a row without her to accomodate my wife's request to swap, and I am not having my wife ask him to do it again. He's an awesome guy, and he has already bent over backwards for us to accomodate changes in MY order with my ex-wife. He has swapped weekends with us when my ex was unwilling to swap, etc. He's the best. He really is.

So, how do I handle this? I want all 4 of the kids with us on the same Christmases, because without all 4 kids, the family really isn't complete.

Tell your ex that you are not willing to trade Christmas this year for next year. She can forfeit Christmas this year if she cannot take the time, but that you will not be giving up the following Christmas because everyone has coordinated their schedules to maximize the family time. (don't mention the stepdaughter's schedule, just mention the family in general).

That may cause mom to decide to get whatever she has to get together so that she can take them for Christmas this year.

Has she given any indication as to what the problem is?

 

[stealth2]

And I probably should worry about next year next year, but I like to worry a year in advance.

Not good for your health - knock it off.

Usually I would agree that time with their mom is more important than time with anyone else. But this is a woman who didn't see them for 10 months one time. Voluntarily.

This time it's 3 months. Voluntarily. Maybe more than 3 months because she won't give me any indication of when she is going to see them again.

And... so? One of mine hasn't seen Dad since last New Years. The other one since June (why yes, he does take them separately, for reasons I don't know). I still don't have a schedule from him as to when they'll see him next (the order states once a month, alternating holidays). But if he says Christmas? Then Christmas he shall have, regardless. Because it IS more important for them to spend time with him than doing whatever I may have planned.

 

[2Mistakes]

Has she given any indication as to what the problem is?

None whatsoever.

I have heard through the grapevine (her sisters) that she is working in TX as an adjuster for Ike claims, making $15,000 a month. If that's the case, of course she's not going to tell me that with the CS case in the works.

I can't knock her for working. I'm back doing the same thing. I think I posted about how me, my wife, and my ex were all working for the same co. after Katrina making $10,000 a month each working flood claims.

I'm back at that company. But mine is now an office job. I'm home every night. I'm home every weekend. I could have gone to the field and made $15,000 a month as an outside adjuster. But I make $10,000 a month being an inside adjuster, and I still see my kids every day and weekend.

I don't know for sure that's what she's doing. I've been told it is, and it makes sense. So once again, it appears that she is choosing money over the kids.

Don't get me wrong. I know that people have to work. Just had that argument on the Stepmother at School thread. But she could make $10,000 a month and still see her kids every other weekend.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

2mistakes, it truly is difficult to co-parent with a person who "reasonable" and their name can not be used in the same sentence. I do understand.

My first X worked these swinging funky shifts, so he didn't get the standard days off. So, he got any holidays he was off, even if it meant he had six in a row, cuz you know what, I might have the next 20. I was willing to work with him cuz he knew HOW to be fair.

My second X - well ... I was finding synonyms for despise intensely, etc. Best advice. Take a deep breath and do NOT answer in the first 24 hours. The answer will come - just not when you are breathing fire.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

None whatsoever.

I have heard through the grapevine (her sisters) that she is working in TX as an adjuster for Ike claims, making $15,000 a month. If that's the case, of course she's not going to tell me that with the CS case in the works.

I can't knock her for working. I'm back doing the same thing. I think I posted about how me, my wife, and my ex were all working for the same co. after Katrina making $10,000 a month each working flood claims.

I'm back at that company. But mine is now an office job. I'm home every night. I'm home every weekend. I could have gone to the field and made $15,000 a month as an outside adjuster. But I make $10,000 a month being an inside adjuster, and I still see my kids every day and weekend.

I don't know for sure that's what she's doing. I've been told it is, and it makes sense. So once again, it appears that she is choosing money over the kids.

Don't get me wrong. I know that people have to work. Just had that argument on the Stepmother at School thread. But she could make $10,000 a month and still see her kids every other weekend.

I was trying to figure out how Tropical Storm Fay was still keeping her busy here, but I think you've nailed it. Hurricane Ike will keep adjustors busy for the next year.