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Ex-GF Says I'm Father, but refuses DNA test.

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texasguy79

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas for me, Most likely Mississippi for the Mother and Child.

In 2004 I was stationed in Fort Riley KS while in the Army. I met a woman (referring to as GF from now on) there and we dated, and GF moved in with me. GF got pregnant. GF and I got engaged. GF said she was homesick, so she went home to Mississippi to visit her mother, but never came back. Due to the fact of her just running off like that, it brought up the question in my mind if she had been faithful to me while we were together. After GF split, there was also hearsay that she was not being faithful. I spoke with her on the phone and requested that she would get a DNA test after the child was born.

I was about to deploy in January 2005, so I made the arrangements for the DNA test. I had my swab sample done at a local clinic in KS just before I deployed and they sent it to the DNA lab to be stored until the child was born, and would be available for when GF and the child had their samples taken. I had a credit card on file for the DNA lab to use to pay for both swab samples of GF and child, plus the actual costs of the test.

I deployed to Iraq from Jan 05 to Jan 06. She gave birth February 2005. I was told about the birth of the child from a fellow soldier in my unit, who was GF’s brother-in-law. He gave me her phone number and I contacted her. I let her know the address of the place where she needed to go to get her and the child’s swab samples done. She refused to get the DNA test done. GF says I am the father, and she had even named the child what I wanted to name the child but refused to validate it with the DNA test, and refused to take my offer of some financial support pending the DNA test results.

GF contacted me once by phone in 2006 when I returned from my deployment. She called me on someone else’s cell phone “family members”, and proceeded with telling me how my child was doing and such. I spoke with her again about the DNA test and offered some financial support. GF refused both.

I have lost track of her and do not have a valid phone number or address for her any longer. I do not know her current address because she lives with her mother, stepfather, and 2 brothers. Also they have moved since the past few hurricanes. I have searched online for her but can not find her, I am guessing because she does not have anything in her name such as utility or phones. My best guess is that she still lives in Mississippi, because that is where her family has been since who knows when.

I am a resident of Dallas Texas. I am no longer in the military, but I work in Iraq.

Who has jurisdiction?
Where can I find the laws on this situation?
Will I need a Texas and a Mississippi lawyer?

I have not had the money to hire an attorney, or two if that is the case. I have looked online for information, but can not find any information on a situation like mine. The only information I found was either about divorcing and child custody or the searched link just led to another search link infested websites.

The thought that I may have a child out there really gets to me. If the child is mine, I want to be an active part of my child’s life. I feel deprived and I don’t even know if I am the father of that child.

Do I have any rights at all?

Any help on this will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.



(Please keep this thread ongoing because I have a feeling this is going to take a while before it’s resolved)
 
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Zephyr

Senior Member
Well you really do need to locate mom, do you know her parent's names? Are you still in contact with the brother-in-law?

You will need to file in the county where mom and child are residents and have mom served, you would file to establish paternity, joint custody and a parenting time arrangement. You would probably do well to understand that since you are a stranger to the child that a graduated schedule of time with the child might be the best option for all involved.
 

texasguy79

Junior Member
I had only met her parents two times, and I can only remember GF's mothers first name. I know GF and her mother do not have the same last name, but I am unsure if GF's last name is her mothers maiden name, or GF's fathers last name.

I am no longer in contact with her brother-in-law, and I am not sure if he is still in the military. The last time I spoke with him was at the end of 2006 sometime. He called me to tell me that I needed to go get my child from GF. He stated that GF was "pawning her child off" to friends she just recently met, in order to go out and have fun. (hearsay, I know)

While in the military, I seeked advice from JAG on base. They had told me that since GF and I were never married, and that GF herself was not, and had never been in the military, JAG could not do anything for me.

When I file to establish paternity will I have to personally appear? Like I mentioned before, I currently work in Iraq.
 

Zephyr

Senior Member
the personal appearance, I don't know about- I know I would never not be at a court date...however, many people have their attorney's appear on their behalf when appropriate. But you will likely have to appear 2 times..once for new dna testing and again for a hearing.

If I were you- with the distance involved- I would definitely hire an attorney- you are unlikely - highly unlikely- to walk away with custody of the child, but you can get something.
 

texasguy79

Junior Member
I would want joint custody of the child if the child is mine.

I will seek out a good attorney within what I can afford. But untill I find one, do I need to hire someone to find her so I have her address for the court? A co-worker told me that I can have the service of process done by publication in the newspaper of the county/city of her last known wareabouts, if she can not be found. Is this an option?
 

MichaCA

Senior Member
I do not know if you have to hire someone to find an address, maybe you do, but perhaps someone can refer you to an agency that will do it for free. My thinking is posting in a paper may give you results, however it doesn't seem mom is likely to reply. If she wanted you to know where she was, she would have let you know.

When you talk to your attorney, ask. There has to be a viable way to find mom's address.

When you hire an attorney, make sure they have very good experience in the court room, and have dealt with cases similar to yours. Find some referrals for other attorneys. Once I did that every time I talked to a successful attorney. I would try to interview two at least...pay the $600 to find the best one.
(yes I am jaded...I hired a cheaper, though well respected one, and now I will have to go to court again to undue her tendency to give anything to the other attorney)

Make sure you have all your good questions ready to ask and interview.

Another idea, is through the military, contact the brother-in-law again and see if he can help you.
 

texasguy79

Junior Member
I do not know if you have to hire someone to find an address, maybe you do, but perhaps someone can refer you to an agency that will do it for free. My thinking is posting in a paper may give you results, however it doesn't seem mom is likely to reply. If she wanted you to know where she was, she would have let you know.

When you talk to your attorney, ask. There has to be a viable way to find mom's address.

When you hire an attorney, make sure they have very good experience in the court room, and have dealt with cases similar to yours. Find some referrals for other attorneys. Once I did that every time I talked to a successful attorney. I would try to interview two at least...pay the $600 to find the best one.
(yes I am jaded...I hired a cheaper, though well respected one, and now I will have to go to court again to undue her tendency to give anything to the other attorney)

Make sure you have all your good questions ready to ask and interview.

Another idea, is through the military, contact the brother-in-law again and see if he can help you.


I had typed a few paragraphs in responce to this.... but due to this website login expiring before I finished I was required to log in again and refreshed to a blank text box to type in... And now my time is up in the internet cafe.... Maybe next time.
 
One thing you do have available to your disposal, is a way to possibly find out where BIL is, and that is soldier finder, it you know his first, last name, last platoon and rank, you can usually find a soldier that way. Contact you closest admin office of active duty and they can look things up for you which they are more likely to do since you are prior military and also working with them in Iraq. here is a link to start you: MilitaryBuddy.org - Benefiting army, navy, air force, marines and all military veterans to find old buddies on militarybuddy.org
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
How do you expect to establish a relationship with the child if you are working in Iraq? How much longer do you expect to be working there?

The main thing is that you are going to be able to do nothing until you find mom and the child, so that needs to be your primary focus.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
I would want joint custody of the child if the child is mine.

I will seek out a good attorney within what I can afford. But untill I find one, do I need to hire someone to find her so I have her address for the court? A co-worker told me that I can have the service of process done by publication in the newspaper of the county/city of her last known wareabouts, if she can not be found. Is this an option?
You will NOT get joint custody of the child. You are in Iraq and the child cannot be there. You will get visitation of the child when you are in the states and may progress to joint legal custody. But don't count on joint physical. You have waited three years to try to chase this down? That is not going to work well for you. You need to locate her and there are various methods by which to do this. Contact her brother in law if you can locate him. Do a search of court records in Mississippi, county by county if you have to.
 

texasguy79

Junior Member
No luck on MilitaryBuddy.org - Benefiting army, navy, air force, marines and all military veterans to find old buddies on militarybuddy.org
Thank you though.

You will NOT get joint custody of the child. You are in Iraq and the child cannot be there. You will get visitation of the child when you are in the states and may progress to joint legal custody. But don't count on joint physical. You have waited three years to try to chase this down? That is not going to work well for you. You need to locate her and there are various methods by which to do this. Contact her brother in law if you can locate him. Do a search of court records in Mississippi, county by county if you have to.
That was a silly comment about the child cannot be here in Iraq, of course the child cannot. I guess I should draw my comment out further. I would want joint custody. Meaning the end result is joint custody. Meaning through time, gradually working up a relationship with the child in order to obtain joint custody. I am in no way implying that I am going to just try and jump into the childs life and try to be superdad and swoop the child away from GF. Not at all.


(LdiJ) How do you expect to establish a relationship with the child if you are working in Iraq? How much longer do you expect to be working there?
Well I would have to gradually establish that relatonship. It would be the same if I were still in the military. Thousands of soldiers are currently doing just that, and have been for years now. Unlike being in the military and only getting one 15 day R&R vacation for 12 months, I get two, plus almost an entire month at the end of 12 months. I have a Co-worker who has a son born last April. He went home for the birth and was there a month. Just like anyone else over here that has children, they communicate by phone and internet. My co-worker gets on webcam with son almost daily I am unsure of exactly when I will be done over here, I am working to pay off debts, but it will not be too much longer. Unlike be here in the militay, I can resign and go home any time. I can give a notice, and be home in a couple weeks, or just quit and be home in a few days.



(LdiJ) The main thing is that you are going to be able to do nothing until
you find mom and the child, so that needs to be your primary focus.

Monday I will be contacting a PI in Mississippi to see if they can find out GF's address for me.


If GF is found, I am not sure if I need to contact GF first and talk to her and let her know that I am going to have a DNA test court ordered, or just file with the court and have her find out by service of process. I would think it would really upset her if I just popped a court order on her.
 

MichaCA

Senior Member
It may scare her to pop with a court order, agreed, and this is your personal decision. My concern with that is it does sound like mom is intentionally evading you...in that case, I would be hesitant to give her a thumbs up.
 

texasguy79

Junior Member
It may scare her to pop with a court order, agreed, and this is your personal decision. My concern with that is it does sound like mom is intentionally evading you...in that case, I would be hesitant to give her a thumbs up.

When we were able to get in contact with each other, GF was not being evasive with me, she wanted me to be a part of that childs life. The problem with that is, I am not going to introduce myself into the childs life as if I am that childs father, untill that has been proven. When GF stated that she wanted me to come and visit with my child, I again reminded her of where she could still go to get the DNA tesing done at. I would not want to introduce myself to that child as the father, and actually not be. It would be a different story if GF and I were in a relationship or married, then I would take on responsibility and act as that childs fatherly figure.

I seriously doubt that GF has gone through life without getting any phones or utilities or real property in her name, just to evade me. I am not an easy person to get ahold of either. Sure GF can search my name and might find my home address which is not up to date, but that will also do no good even when my new address is updated, since I am in Iraq. I do not have mail forwarded here because it takes a month to get to me.

It is a crappy situation and I wish I could have afforded to do something about it back then, but thats then, and this is now.
 

MichaCA

Senior Member
I think I , perhaps erroneously, assumed your ex was evading you as you stated "...lost track of her and do not have available phone number or address for her". I don't know what that is all about...don't know if perhaps you didn't show an inclination to stay in touch, or what. I understand she went through the hurricane's. Its all a bit confusing, to me anyway, and I don't ask you to explain it.

YOU know if you feel she was intentionally staying out of touch. I know if I wanted a father involved I would stay in touch with him. So unless you made yourself unavailable...

all of this is simply BS really, it just has to do with how the mom gets served. Go ahead and try to find her, Ohiogal made a suggestion way back of searching the counties...but find her and discuss with her up front your needs as a potential father and let her know you will be serving her. But make sure you serve her right away.
 

texasguy79

Junior Member
I think I , perhaps erroneously, assumed your ex was evading you as you stated "...lost track of her and do not have available phone number or address for her". I don't know what that is all about...don't know if perhaps you didn't show an inclination to stay in touch, or what. I understand she went through the hurricane's. Its all a bit confusing, to me anyway, and I don't ask you to explain it.

YOU know if you feel she was intentionally staying out of touch. I know if I wanted a father involved I would stay in touch with him. So unless you made yourself unavailable...

all of this is simply BS really, it just has to do with how the mom gets served. Go ahead and try to find her, Ohiogal made a suggestion way back of searching the counties...but find her and discuss with her up front your needs as a potential father and let her know you will be serving her. But make sure you serve her right away.
I have not made myself unavailable, my work in Iraq has made my contact info unavailable. I have even submitted my current information to people finer websites as well as whitepages.com for them to update, most of them have not updated it, a few have. GF and family are strait up backwoods country folk, and dont have a computer/internet, and I dont think they even had cable tv when I was there. Her not having anything in her name to put an address to has made it difficult in searching for her, but a PI in Mississippi should be able to get the information I need.

Monday I will contact a PI in Mississippi to get help finding her phone and address. If they are able to find GF, then I will wite her a letter and send her my contact information here. I am pretty sure she will contact me when she gets my information. I wouldnt want to just pop up at her doorstep one day. To me that would seem really creepy.

Thanks for the advice, I will keep an update of progess on here, and possibly have more questions along the way.
 
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