ex refuses contact of kids

[stormyskyes]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TEXAS
My ex refuses to let the kids call me when they are with him....and tell them that they should stay and live with him full time/perm. Right now we have 50/50 w/him having 1st/3rd/5th weekend and every tuesday and one month during summer. i have bought them a cell phone (i pay for) and he refuses to let them take it with them to his house. He will pat them down and make them return it to me. He does not have a house phone....and says his cell is work only. His wife apparently always loses hers.....thus...why i bought them their own. I live in TEXAS. PLEASE HELP! ----at the very very beginning when the kids would sneak the phone over to his house...they would call/text me all hours of the day and nite just to hear my voice....i dont keep them on the phone long....they just want to tell me they miss me or about some show or some game that is on....

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TEXAS
My ex refuses to let the kids call me when they are with him....and tell them that they should stay and live with him full time/perm. Right now we have 50/50 w/him having 1st/3rd/5th weekend and every tuesday and one month during summer. i have bought them a cell phone (i pay for) and he refuses to let them take it with them to his house. He will pat them down and make them return it to me. He does not have a house phone....and says his cell is work only. His wife apparently always loses hers.....thus...why i bought them their own. I live in TEXAS. PLEASE HELP! ----at the very very beginning when the kids would sneak the phone over to his house...they would call/text me all hours of the day and nite just to hear my voice....i dont keep them on the phone long....they just want to tell me they miss me or about some show or some game that is on....

The children should NOT have been calling you/texting you all hours of the day and night. They are with their father. If your order does not require contact then, while it would be nice, he doesn't have to allow you contact when the children are with him. If you want contact, take him to court to get that added to the court orders.

 

[stormyskyes]

The children should NOT have been calling you/texting you all hours of the day and night. They are with their father. If your order does not require contact then, while it would be nice, he doesn't have to allow you contact when the children are with him. If you want contact, take him to court to get that added to the court orders.

they call me cuz that household is very - disruptive - for lack of better terms. they call me to have me tell them goodnite...and little things like that....they call if they have bad dreams...since they are not allowed to bother their dad....they call me when they are sick ...since not allowed to bother their dad....hearing ur mother's voice calms u down.... when they did take their phone is was a total of 3 mins everyday maybe 6mins i would talk to them thru the course....if i was on the phone for 2 hours i would totally agree with u about his time and such....however they keep their cell with them here....he just doesnt call them or me or text them or me to get contact with them....ever. excuse me...except to say he is outside send kids out. that family drinks/smokes and it is in the decree they can not do that around the kids or kids environment (due to med reasons) - they have also know to call me from a neighbors closet to tell me their dad is drunk.... (sry if i dont spill all the beans in one typing ---phones are a pain)

 

[Ohiogal]

they call me cuz that household is very - disruptive - for lack of better terms. they call me to have me tell them goodnite...and little things like that....they call if they have bad dreams...since they are not allowed to bother their dad....they call me when they are sick ...since not allowed to bother their dad....

Why are they not allowed to bother their dad? Their father is a parent as well and he can deal with their bad dreams, sicknesses and what not.

hearing ur mother's voice calms u down....

That is an excuse.
It could be seen as you interfering with dad's time.

when they did take their phone is was a total of 3 mins everyday maybe 6mins i would talk to them thru the course....if i was on the phone for 2 hours i would totally agree with u about his time and such....however they keep their cell with them here....he just doesnt call them or me or text them or me to get contact with them....ever. excuse me...except to say he is outside send kids out. that family drinks/smokes and it is in the decree they can not do that around the kids or kids environment (due to med reasons) - they have also know to call me from a neighbors closet to tell me their dad is drunk.... (sry if i dont spill all the beans in one typing ---phones are a pain)

If he is violating the decree, then take him back to court on a motion to show cause and PROVE that he is violating the decree. They call you from a neighbor's closet? What did you do when that happened? Did you go pick up your children? Call the police? What did you do?

 

[stormyskyes]

Why are they not allowed to bother their dad? Their father is a parent as well and he can deal with their bad dreams, sicknesses and what not.

Thats how i see it too...but he dont. he needs his sleep.



That is an excuse.
It could be seen as you interfering with dad's time.

only for a few minutes a time?? so im not suppose to let them talk to HIM when or if he calls? that seems wrong....

If he is violating the decree, then take him back to court on a motion to show cause and PROVE that he is violating the decree. They call you from a neighbor's closet? What did you do when that happened? Did you go pick up your children? Call the police? What did you do?

i have...and i have contacted a lawyer who said their is nothing i can do and it would cost lots of money to prove otherwise and he has more money and can hold me at bay longer than he would be willing to do for the amount i could afford (told by 3 diff lawyers that were even willing to go up against HIS lawyer) as far as the closet...i called the pd and cps and since the pd is his friends i got told that since the decree stated it is HIS time to have the kids there was nothing i could do about it and if i felt like i needed to remove the kids to make them feel safe that i would automatically get arrested as soon as i started up the car to leave. and cps just came to my house the next day to check out my place cuz they are friends too... (another reason lawyers havnt wanted to go up agains him) oh --the s-mother did get caught hitting my oldest in the back of the head several times...called cops/cps/lawyer too....and same thing...but they did give her a ticket and told her to leave premises for 48 hours. (i think i answered all the questions/doubts....)

---answers are also up in quoted section i think....ugh phone

 

[stealth2]

How old are the children? Why do they not know to call 911 if they feel that they are in danger?

 

[stormyskyes]

How old are the children? Why do they not know to call 911 if they feel that they are in danger?

this is the 2nd time i am trying to type a reply --- does anyone know where autosave saves it too??

10 and 11. they are afraid their dad will find out and they will get in trouble. grounded spanking...stuff like that.
plus the pd are their dads friends - they have bbq together and he fixes the computers and cleans their pools....also his div lawyer is now a judge down here (i know he cant use him anymore but im stating his connections he has) the kids are not allowed to talk to me about their weekend or what they did....they have let things slip out like when they are tired or when they are talking to friends/family -- as their dad said not to tell your MOTHER nothing about not telling anyone else.
alittle background too --- due to an arguement their dad and his wife had - their father got shot. the whole time i took the kids up to see him in the hospital and to his house and had them call him all hours EVERY day to talk to him......as i would want him to do that for me if something was to happen.....(over a course for 2.5 mos)
well....now he is using that as proof saying that while he was even on his death bed i couldnt even take care of the kids by myself...so he needs perm/full custody.

 

[MichaCA]

He got shot by his wife? And the kids were there? How the heck did she shoot him - was it accident or intentional?

What action did you take then. I hear all the obstacles/connections - however, I hope you at least filed an exparte motion to not have kids there, and whenever visitation resumes - he have no guns in the house - (I know that may not be constitutional and I don't much about gun laws, but hey, there IS recognition of safety of kids around shooting parents.

 

[nextwife]

this is the 2nd time i am trying to type a reply --- does anyone know where autosave saves it too??

10 and 11.

So what happens when they are away at camp or a two day school program, are they actually calling you?

 

[MichaCA]

But back to your basic question (which seems so tiny in light of the above info)...re phonecalls.

Most judges recognize the importance of contact with both parents on the other parents time. Reasonable contact, which sounds like all you want. However, if its NOT spelled out in the court order - than legally he does not have to and is being a jerk IMO. Putting that aside...

Next time you wind up in family law court for whatever reason, attach in a request for phone contact. Be very specific - come up with good legal requests. Each parent during their custodial period shall allow the child to contact the other parent (or the other parent to contact the child each day)...for a reasonable period of time.

This was problematic for me and ex years back. I didn't have a cell - and we would sit at home every evening waiting for a call. I got that amended to she would call him every day sometime between 6 and 6:30. That worked out great - I could find a phone wherever we were. So I recommend that.

When you go through court, do you have court ordered mediation first?

And, are the kids receiving counseling? I would advocate for that. Especially someone with good experience dealing with domestic violence in families - the kids don't have to know that piece.

AND, as suggested above...I took the same advice a few years back...teach them to call 911 if they feel they are in danger, things are violent, etc. Its a sad thing to teach a kid, however further advice from exp., is when you teach them how...they also need to somehow get to a phone without the adults knowing or they won't get to that. (My ex would prevent her from the phone)

 

[Ladyback1]

Why are they not allowed to bother their dad? Their father is a parent as well and he can deal with their bad dreams, sicknesses and what not.



That is an excuse.
It could be seen as you interfering with dad's time.

If he is violating the decree, then take him back to court on a motion to show cause and PROVE that he is violating the decree. They call you from a neighbor's closet? What did you do when that happened? Did you go pick up your children? Call the police? What did you do?

I would presume that "Dad" doesn't want them to bother him. It's not something that mom has imposed.

Interfering with "Dad's" time is Mom calling/texting all hours of the day and night. The kids wanting to talk to mom, to tell her 'good night', 'I love you', or even 'I just beat the 83 level of Bejeweled' is not interfering with "Dad's" time. If the divorce decree/parenting plan allows for reasonable and/or frequent contact w/ the children by both parties, then "Dad" is violating the order. If the decree/parenting plan doesn't contain that verbiage then it needs to be amended.

And Mom doesn't have proof that the "Dad" is violating the order by drinking, it would be her word against his (and you all know it, I've seen you tell posters that all the time!) So, going to court is going to be an exercise in futility. Furthermore, small-town politics/"the good ole boy system" is alive and well, so the OP would be heading into court w/ the deck stacked against her.

OP--do the kids have access to a computer? Could they email you or IM you via computer? If so, have them do that--and teach them how to clear their history/cookies.

 

[Cantata300]

But back to your basic question (which seems so tiny in light of the above info)...re phonecalls.

Most judges recognize the importance of contact with both parents on the other parents time. Reasonable contact, which sounds like all you want. However, if its NOT spelled out in the court order - than legally he does not have to and is being a jerk IMO. Putting that aside...

Next time you wind up in family law court for whatever reason, attach in a request for phone contact. Be very specific - come up with good legal requests. Each parent during their custodial period shall allow the child to contact the other parent (or the other parent to contact the child each day)...for a reasonable period of time.

This was problematic for me and ex years back. I didn't have a cell - and we would sit at home every evening waiting for a call. I got that amended to she would call him every day sometime between 6 and 6:30. That worked out great - I could find a phone wherever we were. So I recommend that.

When you go through court, do you have court ordered mediation first?

And, are the kids receiving counseling? I would advocate for that. Especially someone with good experience dealing with domestic violence in families - the kids don't have to know that piece.

AND, as suggested above...I took the same advice a few years back...teach them to call 911 if they feel they are in danger, things are violent, etc. Its a sad thing to teach a kid, however further advice from exp., is when you teach them how...they also need to somehow get to a phone without the adults knowing or they won't get to that. (My ex would prevent her from the phone)

Yes, very important to put that into a court order and be specific. We have it ordered to have Skype every other day (while we are in WA and dad is in CA). We do not have phone contact ordered but so far we have been very good about letting daughter speak to each of us when in the other's custody. I plan to have this portion added in when we do the final order. I think if your kids just want to say goodnight or hi or just have a 5 min conversation they should be able to and vice versa. Maybe your ex thinks he is hurting you (and I'm sure it hurts) but really he is just hurting the kids by telling them they cannot contact you on his time. Anyway def have it spelled out as clearly as possible in an order.

 

[stealth2]

OP--do the kids have access to a computer? Could they email you or IM you via computer? If so, have them do that--and teach them how to clear their history/cookies.

You're not advocating that they sneak around Dad's rules, are you?

OP... So uch depends on what your order actually states. If there is no provision for phone calls, then Dad is doing nothing wrong, but you should ask the court to include one. If there is, then you would need to take him to court and ask the judge to find him in contempt.

A lot of parents do not agree with children as young as yours having cell phones, and Dad may be one of them. He IS allowed to make that parenting choice.

I'm not sure that I buy them not calling 911 out of fear of their Dad, but feel no fear in calling you against his wishes. That makes no sense, I would suggest getting both of them into counseling if you are able to do so (i.e. again, based on your actual orders).

As for sneaking calls... Our original order stated that the kids were to have access to call either parent as they chose. Their Dad pretty much ignored that - to the point that our youngest snuck a call from a neighbors (where she was dogsitting). Note - it was a long distance call. When I discovered this, I told her that it wasn't right for her to have done so, and we needed to tell Dad. I also contacted the homeowners and asked them to let me know how much the call came up to so taht I could reimburse them. Was Dad anry? Yep. I don't blame him. I then took it back to court to have a phone time specified in our order. But I would not brook our child sneaking around either of our rules - whether the other parent agreed withthe rule or not.

 

[Ohiogal]

You're not advocating that they sneak around Dad's rules, are you?

Considering she has advocated unethical behavior by counselors and lying, wouldn't surprise me.

OP... So uch depends on what your order actually states. If there is no provision for phone calls, then Dad is doing nothing wrong, but you should ask the court to include one. If there is, then you would need to take him to court and ask the judge to find him in contempt.

I agree.

A lot of parents do not agree with children as young as yours having phone calls, and Dad may be one of them. He IS allowed to make that parenting choice.

Yep he is. Doesn't mean it is a fabulous coparenting choice but it is allowed. And you meant cell phones, didn't you?

I'm not sure that I buy them not calling 911 out of fear of their Dad, but feel no fear in calling you against his wishes. That makes no sense, I would suggest getting both of them into counseling if you are able to do so (i.e. again, based on your actual orders).

Yep.

As for sneaking calls... Our original order stated that the kids were to have access to call either parent as they chose. Their Dad pretty much ignored that - to the point that our youngest snuck a call from a neighbors (where she was dogsitting). Note - it was a long distance call. When I discovered this, I told her that it wasn't right for her to have done so, and we needed to tell Dad. I also contacted the homeowners and asked them to let me know how much the call came up to so taht I could reimburse them. Was Dad anry? Yep. I don't blame him. I then took it back to court to have a phone time specified in our order. But I would not brook our child sneaking around either of our rules - whether the other parent agreed withthe rule or not

.

Agreed.

 

[stealth2]

And you meant cell phones, didn't you?

Yep, corrected.