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Ex refuses to disclose address //Wont allow my custody

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FatherScott

Junior Member
(california) (ages 23) (2 year old daughter) :(

She has hit me.
She had her brother beat me up during a child exchange.
She violated the mutual restraining order, went to jail and was ordered to serve community service.
I keep a calender of events & custody to show her track record of custody violations & everything else.

Right now she is contempt of court because she will not tell me where she lives and is refusing to give me our daughter on my custody days.
Before it wasnt a problem, Just call the cops and goto her house and get my daugher, but now the cops cant help me anymore, we dont know where she lives and she never answers her phone. (voicemail is full)
Ive made atleast 16 police reports explaining each violation, she's refused to give me our daughter multiple times throughout this entire year. Its up until now that its gotten serious because theres no phone contact and I don't know where they live.

I just dont know what to do, my attorney is filing a criminal motion for contempt of court. I really do not like going to that courthouse because they are so mean to parents like us where the child isnt being physically abused and the parents just dont know how to get along. What they dont see is that I'm willing to coparent and I want to be friendly and dont want to fight and she just keeps doing bad things that get her in trouble and takes her anger out on my by using the kid as a tool to punish me. The police say they see it all time. The police understand me, Ive never talked to the judge, its always been in mediation. My attorney told me when we go back there wont be a mediator,
my attorney also told me they will just slap her on the hand and tell her to give up the address and tell her dont do it again! He said they cant stop her from using the kid as a tool to punish me, they said basically they dont care about cases like this because they see a thousand of them a month. I was surprised he said that. Its like nobody can help me. :(
My question here is what should I expect, what will happen to her, im scared they will be mad at both of us again and tell us to grow and stop fighting etc. Even tho I havnt done anything wrong again. Im just trying to follow the agreement while in the other hand she isnt following the agreement and refuses any contact with me, phone or in person. So I never see or talk to her. So I dont fight with her, it was like that last time we went and they told us to stop fighting and everytime I tried to talk the mediator interrupted me and told me what she thought was going on, when i would try to respond and correct her with what truthfully really was she would interrupt me again. I could never get a word in. Its so heart breaking because she isnt there to help us, shes just there to do paperwork and be mean to us. My daughter is ultimately suffering from them not looking into my problem and putting forth any effort to look at who is the more responsible parent.
If my ex lost a significant amount of custody I guarantee she would stop playing her games. But I dont ever see that happening as the courts dont seem to want to look into what the problem really is, and that is my ex.

question 2 What exactly is a custody evaluation and would it be useful in my case?

Heres a quick description on whats been going on this year;
-Last march09 we had our first hearing, went to mediation and she was given like 59%, but its joint custody. No child support, her income is over twice mine.
-We got back together shortly after and got into an argument about the guy she was still seeing and she ended up hitting me in public, DA did not file charges. That was the end of the relationship.
-She kept saying she was going to have me killed, beat up, etc. We went to court and filed mutual restraining order in May09. Found out she bought a gun that month and she was ordered to surrender it to the LE. (scared the heck out of me cause of the death threats)
- I had first right to baby sitting if she was busy for 4+ hours a day, her Daycare provider she picked said she was only able to watch our daughter until 1pm everyday. I was only working till 12pm and it wasnt a problem for me to pick her up. However I wanted to work more or goto school and wanted to look for another provider, my ex refused and found this to be a big issue for me and began abusing it. She wouldnt pick her up after she got off work each day and would tell me she would meet me before I went to work, the next morning before my work she would not show up or would be atleast 1 hour late each time. I was suffering so much financially that I wasnt able to pay rent, I filed for modification - told them what was going on in a statement and weeks after filing moved in with family.
- We went back to court in mid JULY, the judge was upset we were back so soon and before letting us talk about anything told us to goto mediation.
The mediator helped somewhat, she said the judge was very pissed off at us and wrote her a note explaining to her to basically explain to us that its rediculous that we have to come to court to work our problems, well you know this isnt my fault! My ex is refusing to Co-Parent this child with me and has even told me to kill myself so I wouldn't be a burdon on her and so she and the child can move on and be happy. Anyways I was trying to tell the mediator that we can change things on paper there but if we dont fix the problems we have between us then things will not change outside of the court, she will continue to punish me in her own ways. The mediator told me she doesnt have to do anything and basically gave her an EGO boost which did not help me at all. I was also given more custody. I now get double weekends everytime there is 5 weekends in the month, 4 times a year. Which puts me i think just a little over 45% custody.
- things are fixed, Im making it to work everyday on time and I'm studying in my free time everyday for many hours and Im registered and soon going back to college next semester.
-Since that hearing, my ex went to court for the restraining order and was sentenced to community service, she was denied Welfare services because I have already signed up for Healthcare and EBT Food, so she has 2 things to be mad at me over and has already brought it to my attention that she is pissed off. (I needed it because of the position she put me in)
Now every custody day of mine since august she has been doing her best to refuse custody to me and I have had to call the police to go knock on her door and get my child from her, it has been working and she has continued to do it over and over, she just keeps getting madder everytime i call the police and does it again the next weekend of mine, I have missed 14-15 days with my daughter
-NOW She & her Boyfriend of 2 months have got a place together somewhere the 1st of this month and 1) is refusing to tell me where the live & 2) Is refusing to let me see her 100%, She has taken 1 entire weekend, 1 partial weekend and 2 days of custody I get prior to my weekend.
-She has also changed babysitters and is refusing to tell me that information as well.
She says sometimes her boyfriend watches her while she works, other times I hear from her family that its her boyfriends parents that are watching her.
 


Isis1

Senior Member
becasue you have an attorney, it is very difficult for any volunteers to stray from any advice your own attorney might give you. only your attorney is more knowledgeable about the climate of your courtroom.

custody evaluations work wonders for the benefit of the child.
 

FatherScott

Junior Member
becasue you have an attorney, it is very difficult for any volunteers to stray from any advice your own attorney might give you. only your attorney is more knowledgeable about the climate of your courtroom.

custody evaluations work wonders for the benefit of the child.
It is very upsetting to hear what my attorney and his assistant who is a paralegal have to say. My attorney was a judge for some 20 years somewhere and like I stated before has told me its hopeless to get help, he said if my ex wants to she can keep doing this over and over and over, my attorney says all I'm able to do is keep filing motions in response for her bad behavior. Its not what I wanted to hear, I feel that maybe he is just saying some of those things to keep me out of court, maybe he doesnt want to goto court for me, You guys are in a sense the 2nd opinion that I'm looking for.
I dont know why but what he says cant be true. I have a problem and not even the great state of california can help me? Why even have a court room and allow people in if they wont help us? We both agreed on something, my ex didnt get what she wanted, she wanted me to only see our daughter one weekend every month just so she knew who I was. She was very serious about wanting that.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Realistically you have a couple of options. You can pay for a consult with a different attorney and see what they have to say about the situation. You can stick with your current attorney and see what happens in the future; there will come a point where - should she continue withholding visitation - she'll no longer be getting slaps on the wrist. If it continues long enough you may eventually have grounds to modify custody.

Isabella is correct - your attorney knows your case, and we don't....he also knows the local climate and it would be irresponsible for anyone here to counter the advice given to you by your attorney. I'm sorry we can't really offer much else.
 

FatherScott

Junior Member
Isabella is correct - your attorney knows your case, and we don't....he also knows the local climate
My attorney and his assistant always tell me to stay out of court because they dont like parents that have to go back, especially only because the parents cant get along and work out problems outside of court.
Problem is that my ex is not willing talk to me at all.
Shes treating this situation like a high school breakup where as both parties just split and go there own way and are never to see each other again, she just doesn't see that this is not like that and we have a child that needs to have a relationship with both parents.
Shes literally just disappeared out of my life and not willing to talk to me in any way shape or form for the good of the child. I dread the day that the child starts school and we are gonna have to talk to eachother to help the child through school. I bet she will continue to act the same way, no contact.

I have got to get the Court to see that the child is not in a stable living situation, the child is with different babysitters 9-10 hours a day while the mother is working, sometimes the grandmother who is listed as primary daycare provider on our agreement tells me that her boyfriends parents have been watches our daughter, is that legal? Is it legal for her to have just anyone thats available watch the child? Can I contest her using that many different people as sitters? I only use 1 person. The child is not being given enough time to adjust to the babysitters the mother is confronting her with. The boyfriend, The boyfriends parents, the mothers mother in law, the mothers grandmother. Can the boyfriend be allowed to babysit for that long of a period 10 hours? She has only known him for 3 months and has already moved in with the guy somewhere.
When the child is with me she is not moved around and is in a stable living environment. I feel like when I have the child she is sort of on vacation, like taking a break from the hectic lifestyle the mother is forcing upon her.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
My attorney and his assistant always tell me to stay out of court because they dont like parents that have to go back, especially only because the parents cant get along and work out problems outside of court.

Your attorney is dead right. Listen to him. You have been to court at least three times in 6 months! This doesn't look good for either you or Mom. How old are you both, btw?

Problem is that my ex is not willing talk to me at all.
Shes treating this situation like a high school breakup where as both parties just split and go there own way and are never to see each other again, she just doesn't see that this is not like that and we have a child that needs to have a relationship with both parents.
Shes literally just disappeared out of my life and not willing to talk to me in any way shape or form for the good of the child. I dread the day that the child starts school and we are gonna have to talk to eachother to help the child through school. I bet she will continue to act the same way, no contact.
If this happens you swallow it, grin and bear it, and be the best father you can.

I have got to get the Court to see that the child is not in a stable living situation, the child is with different babysitters 9-10 hours a day while the mother is working, sometimes the grandmother who is listed as primary daycare provider on our agreement tells me that her boyfriends parents have been watches our daughter, is that legal? Is it legal for her to have just anyone thats available watch the child?
Prove that the child being with babysitters while Mom is working to support her is harmful.

Mom can have you, me or Johnny Depp babysit if she wants to. If you disagree you need to speak with your attorney about Right Of First Refusal.

Can I contest her using that many different people as sitters? I only use 1 person. The child is not being given enough time to adjust to the babysitters the mother is confronting her with.
Prove that the child is being harmed by this.

The boyfriend, The boyfriends parents, the mothers mother in law, the mothers grandmother. Can the boyfriend be allowed to babysit for that long of a period 10 hours? She has only known him for 3 months and has already moved in with the guy somewhere.
Yes, he can. While you have the right to know your child is safe, you are not going to be deciding who Mom can and can't have around kiddo or for what length of time.

When the child is with me she is not moved around and is in a stable living environment. I feel like when I have the child she is sort of on vacation, like taking a break from the hectic lifestyle the mother is forcing upon her.
If you aren't seeing your daughter much, how do you know what Mom is or isn't doing?
 

FatherScott

Junior Member
How old are you both, btw?
Both are 23, As stated before its totally out of my control, court is the only time we have communication, she is required to. Maybe I should have mentioned this before, My ex's other is skitzophrenic, her grandmother is bi-polar, her brother is bi-polar, and my ex was raised in foster homes and raped by one of her few fathers she had.
I keep telling myself shes gone crazy like her family members. I dont like to but I keep thinking that shes going skitzo herself.





Prove that the child being with babysitters while Mom is working to support her is harmful.
I know - "Imminent danger"

Mom can have you, me or Johnny Depp babysit if she wants to. If you disagree you need to speak with your attorney about Right Of First Refusal.
I had first right however you can guess she abused that as well, SHE would never show up to pick up the child and would leave her with me for days throughout her own custody days. Sometimes disappearing and not communicating with me for up to 4 days, (The reason why we went back to court in July), She would also tell me she meet her somewhere to drop off the child and she wouldnt show up for hours & sometimes not showing up at all right before I had to be at work. I would end up calling in to work and I eventually lost the house I was renting because I was unable to pay rent because of this, We filed for modification and I dont have first right anymore as result.



Yes, he can. While you have the right to know your child is safe, you are not going to be deciding who Mom can and can't have around kiddo or for what length of time.



If you aren't seeing your daughter much, how do you know what Mom is or isn't doing?
As stated before i have only lost around 15 custody days, scattered sporadically over the calender between the months of july,august and September - The mothers mental stability is the deciding factor on my custody days.
Is she supposed to drop the kid off to me after being told to do so by a cop that just knocked on her door, embarrassing her infront of her friends?
My fault
Some days she might be pissed off after serving a hard day of community service in the blistering heat because I called the cops when she came over pushing me around infront of the child, telling me shes gonna have me killed.
My fault
I understand it looks bad to go back to court so much within 6 month period, But I have no other option, She wont return calls, she wont talk to me at child exchanges - she always says she doesnt have time to talk, she wont talk to me. COURT is my only option to talk to her, and yes the judge is gonna be pissed. Thats what i said, I told my lawyer I dont want to goto court and he said he feels me, he seen the way we were treated the last time. We're gonna get yelled at again, I know it. But Im just gonna have to tell the judge the same thing I just told you, Theres nothing I can do its out of my control. She wont co-parent or talk to me.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
When was the last time you saw your daughter?

How often were you supposed to have visitation, and how many times - since the last court hearing - have you been refused?
 

FatherScott

Junior Member
its Joint legal/Physical & I get her the 1st,3rd,5th weekends of the month and shared holidays, since the july hearing I have been refused 14-15 days of custody. I had her last for a partial 2.5 out of 5 days the 1st weekend of this month..
She kept her the entire 5th weekend of August, the entire 3rd weekend of this month. A few other partial weekends and a few tuesday's I have prior to my weekend.
It all adds up to 14-15 days. Lots of tension, I expect to have her on my days even preparing things for her visits and when she doesnt show.. :(
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
its Joint legal/Physical & I get her the 1st,3rd,5th weekends of the month and shared holidays, since the july hearing I have been refused 14-15 days of custody. I had her last for a partial 2.5 out of 5 days the 1st weekend of this month..
There are only 2 days during any given weekend - what does this refer to?

She kept her the entire 5th weekend of August, the entire 3rd weekend of this month. A few other partial weekends and a few tuesday's I have prior to my weekend.
So you're getting 6 days a month, give or take, correct? Since July you would have expected 18 or so days total, correct?

I'm not seeing how you lost 15 days; that equates to 8 weekends (7.5 technically) and even allowing for an extra half a day on July 4 and an extra half a day for Labor Day it doesn't compute. And where does Tuesday come into it?

I'm wondering if this isn't a case of misunderstanding the order.
 

FatherScott

Junior Member
There are only 2 days during any given weekend - what does this refer to?**************...


doesn't compute. **************.. And where does Tuesday come into it?

I'm wondering if this isn't a case of misunderstanding the order.
I said 2.5 out of 5 days, weekends start friday and end tuesday. 2.5 would be a partial weekend.
Tuesdays come into play prior to every weekend. She just doesnt care about giving me that 1 day. I may have forgotten to mention that she is supposed to meet me on tuesday however if shes working then she gets off late around 10 sometimes she just turns her phone off and disappears into the night. Basically using the court order as toilet paper.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
I said 2.5 out of 5 days, weekends start friday and end tuesday. 2.5 would be a partial weekend.
Yes, I know what you wrote. That's not a standard order; go get your order and write down exactly how the schedule is worded.

Please be specific and include times.

Are you paying child support, incidentally?
 

FatherScott

Junior Member
tuesday after work (12-2) to wed 8am
friday after work (12-2) to tuesday 8am

1st,3rd,5th weekend of the month with stipulation on the tuesday post 5th weekend and 1st weekend of the following month, I skip that weeks tuesday
 

CJane

Senior Member
I said 2.5 out of 5 days, weekends start friday and end tuesday. 2.5 would be a partial weekend.
Tuesdays come into play prior to every weekend. She just doesnt care about giving me that 1 day. I may have forgotten to mention that she is supposed to meet me on tuesday however if shes working then she gets off late around 10 sometimes she just turns her phone off and disappears into the night. Basically using the court order as toilet paper.
Just FYI, a weekend that lasts from Friday to Tuesday is FOUR days, not 5. You count overnights, and even if you didn't, custody exchanges at 8am. That's NOT a day.

So in a given month, you have 10 "days" or overnight periods if you're exercising all of your visitation.
 

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