Ex trying for custody of 1 year old

[arosenth]

What is the name of your state (Colorado)?

Hello, am the mother of a one year old infant. My ex moved out two months ago and we have filed for divorce. Currently he has been having him every other weekend Fri to Sun. His lawyer is all about trying to get him as much custody as possible so that it lowers his monthly payment to me and I have a couple concerns and questions...

What he is asking for is every other weekend as well as two overnights per week. On top of that, he is trying to have the child switch day cares during the week so that there is less drive time for him although he chose to live at his current location and I am still on our home. I am concerned about the stability that an infant needs, not to mention the fact that I work from roughly 9-2:30 and he works from 8-5 and the child goes to bed at 6.

1) My lawyer said that what we need to do is spend a day with both of our lawyers and some sort of custody person to help make a decision? Does anyone know what I am talking about, what this is, costs associated, etc?

2) What realistically could I be looking at in terms of time with father for a child this age? What do the courts typically decide? Does this have to go to court? I am not trying to keep him from his father, I just want to do what is best for him at this time and down the road am not opposed to 50/50.

3) If we come up with a parenting plan for now, how is that modified as the child ages?

4) If I take this to court, what are my chances of winning this?

Thanks so much for your help, I just feel clueless and my ex is trying to be as sneaky and deceitful as possible.

 

[acmb05]

What is the name of your state (Colorado)?

Hello, am the mother of a one year old infant. My ex moved out two months ago and we have filed for divorce. Currently he has been having him every other weekend Fri to Sun. His lawyer is all about trying to get him as much custody as possible so that it lowers his monthly payment to me and I have a couple concerns and questions...

that is what a lawyer is supposed to do. Get what is best for his client.

What he is asking for is every other weekend as well as two overnights per week. On top of that, he is trying to have the child switch day cares during the week so that there is less drive time for him although he chose to live at his current location and I am still on our home. I am concerned about the stability that an infant needs, not to mention the fact that I work from roughly 9-2:30 and he works from 8-5 and the child goes to bed at 6.

Every other weekend and two overnights per week sounds very reasonable to me. I don't see them making you change daycare but really the child is 1 years old it would not be that emotionally disturbing to the child. Why does the child go to bed at 6 and no before you ask you can't make dad put the child to bed at the same time as you do.

1) My lawyer said that what we need to do is spend a day with both of our lawyers and some sort of custody person to help make a decision? Does anyone know what I am talking about, what this is, costs associated, etc?

I think he is suggesting mediation. You two could split the cost but I am not sure how much it would be where you live.

2) What realistically could I be looking at in terms of time with father for a child this age? What do the courts typically decide? Does this have to go to court? I am not trying to keep him from his father, I just want to do what is best for him at this time and down the road am not opposed to 50/50.

realistically you could be looking at exactly what you have been doing all along. My suggestion is to keep it the way it is right now and have it written up this way and submit it to the courts

3) If we come up with a parenting plan for now, how is that modified as the child ages?

You go back to court and have it modified for school and such.

4) If I take this to court, what are my chances of winning this?

What are you trying to win? You have already agreed that dad is perfectly capable of taking care of the child on his own every other weekend and two days during the week. What more do you want?

Thanks so much for your help, I just feel clueless and my ex is trying to be as sneaky and deceitful as possible.

Your welcome. How is trying to spend as much time with his child being sneaky and deceitful?

 

[arosenth]

Just to clarify, I am more than happy to allow him as much visitation as he would like during the week, just no overnights at this age... And every other weekend. This is what I am trying to win. I have a hard time thinking that a 1yr old would thrive being shuffled around so much.

In terms of him being sneaky and deceitful, it really has nothing to so with custody but moreso the divorce in general. Also keeping in mind that the whole time we were married and I was pregnant, he told me that he did not want the child. Obviously his attitude changed somewhat once the child was born, but I also think that he is trying to change the custody in an attempt to hurt me (he is an angry person) versus actually wanting the custody.

And although I am not sure why it matters what time he goes to bed, he is tired and wants to go to bed at 6pm. He then sleeps until 7am. Some children are sleepers, some are not.

 

[Proserpina]

Just to clarify, I am more than happy to allow him as much visitation as he would like during the week, just no overnights at this age... And every other weekend. This is what I am trying to win. I have a hard time thinking that a 1yr old would thrive being shuffled around so much.

In terms of him being sneaky and deceitful, it really has nothing to so with custody but moreso the divorce in general. Also keeping in mind that the whole time we were married and I was pregnant, he told me that he did not want the child. Obviously his attitude changed somewhat once the child was born, but I also think that he is trying to change the custody in an attempt to hurt me (he is an angry person) versus actually wanting the custody.

Why no overnights?

 

[arosenth]

Every other weekend overnight is okay with me. Based on the research that I have done online as well as the books that I have read, most dissaprove of overnights at all with a child of his age. I am willing to compromise on weekend overnights being that I want his dad to have an active roll in his life. Again, down the road I am not opposed to anything.

Child Custody Alternative Schedules (Children of All Ages), by Parents' Divorce Style

 

[Proserpina]

Every other weekend overnight is okay with me. Based on the research that I have done online as well as the books that I have read, most dissaprove of overnights at all with a child of his age. I am willing to compromise on weekend overnights being that I want his dad to have an active roll in his life. Again, down the road I am not opposed to anything.

Child Custody Alternative Schedules (Children of All Ages), by Parents' Divorce Style

You've already shown that you're OK with Dad having overnights.

I'm not seeing how you can fairly argue against Dad having an extra overnight during the week.

 

[LdiJ]

You've already shown that you're OK with Dad having overnights.

I'm not seeing how you can fairly argue against Dad having an extra overnight during the week.

I think its way too much back and forth for an infant...the proposed schedule. If you map it out the child won't sleep two days in a row at the same place, except on the weekends.

I also don't think it does much for the dad and the child if dad gets off of work at 5:00 PM and the child goes to sleep at 6:00 PM. Its lots of disruption for the child for little benefit for the child.

My granddaughter slept 12-13 hours a night at that age, and still is happiest when she gets at least 10 hours of sleep. She would be cranky and out of sorts all day if she didn't get that sleep. So its not really going to be in the child's best interest for dad to keep him up later, as the child will likely have to wake up a little earlier than 7:00 AM if dad has to be at work at 8:00 AM.

However, I don't think that just every other weekend with dad is enough for the child either, so its a bit of a quandary.

I absolutely do NOT think that the child's daycare should be changed. That is too many changes all at once. It would be a huge change for the child to start sleeping a different place every other night during the week, changing the daycare at the same time would be totally unfair to the child.

 

[Proserpina]

I think its way too much back and forth for an infant...the proposed schedule. If you map it out the child won't sleep two days in a row at the same place, except on the weekends.

I also don't think it does much for the dad and the child if dad gets off of work at 5:00 PM and the child goes to sleep at 6:00 PM. Its lots of disruption for the child for little benefit for the child.

My granddaughter slept 12-13 hours a night at that age, and still is happiest when she gets at least 10 hours of sleep. She would be cranky and out of sorts all day if she didn't get that sleep. So its not really going to be in the child's best interest for dad to keep him up later, as the child will likely have to wake up a little earlier than 7:00 AM if dad has to be at work at 8:00 AM.

However, I don't think that just every other weekend with dad is enough for the child either, so its a bit of a quandary.

I absolutely do NOT think that the child's daycare should be changed. That is too many changes all at once. It would be a huge change for the child to start sleeping a different place every other night during the week, changing the daycare at the same time would be totally unfair to the child.

Did you note my use of the word "an", indicating "one"?

I heavily doubt one overnight per week is going to disrupt this child's lifestyle, though I agree that certainly at first glance the proposed schedule isn't really a good idea.

Frankly I believe one night a week would be less traumatic than spending NO overnights away from Mom for 12 days, then suddenly spending the next 2 nights with Dad.

 

[CourtClerk]

I wonder what happens to all those kids who have parents with full time jobs and don't have the luxury of living with someone else who will pick up the slack because they can't. They must all be manic, in mental institutions and cranky all day...

 

[LdiJ]

Did you note my use of the word "an", indicating "one"?

I heavily doubt one overnight per week is going to disrupt this child's lifestyle, though I agree that certainly at first glance the proposed schedule isn't really a good idea.

Frankly I believe one night a week would be less traumatic than spending NO overnights away from Mom for 12 days, then suddenly spending the next 2 nights with Dad.

Sorry, I thought you were agreeing that the original schedule was a good one. One overnight a week would probably be the best way to go.

And in response to CC:

Those kids simply don't spend much awake time with their parent(s) during the week...but their routine is consistent every day.

 

[mistoffolees]

Frankly I believe one night a week would be less traumatic than spending NO overnights away from Mom for 12 days, then suddenly spending the next 2 nights with Dad.

I agree.

Keep in mind, however, that the success of this arrangement for the child is going to depend 100% on how CP and NCP approach it. If they approach it with a positive, adventurous attitude, the child will pick it up. If one or both of them approach it with the attitude of fear, the child will pick that up, too.

 

[LdiJ]

I agree.

Keep in mind, however, that the success of this arrangement for the child is going to depend 100% on how CP and NCP approach it. If they approach it with a positive, adventurous attitude, the child will pick it up. If one or both of them approach it with the attitude of fear, the child will pick that up, too.

That is very true...although I think that its more of an issue when a child is closer to two.

With most of the children I have known, the whole separation anxiety bit, which is largely fueled by the parents own anxiety about separation, seems to rear its head more around age two. Its kind of a vicious cycle. The child shows some anxiety, that causes anxiety in the parent, the child then gets more anxious, and it escalates from there.

 

[sometwo]

The two nights during the week can work if they both work on it.


I don't think its going to be a big deal for the 1 yr old especially if all involved handled it right .

Actually stepson's schedule before he was two and for a while after was with mother by day until 6pm then with dad by night.

He did ok most times until mom didn't do her share (not showing up, come some days , some days not and never knowing which days)

The times when it was consistent and mom acted right it did work out.

The point I want to make is its usually not the child that has the problems. Its the parents.

 

[LdiJ]

The two nights during the week can work if they both work on it.


I don't think its going to be a big deal for the 1 yr old especially if all involved handled it right .

Actually stepson's schedule before he was two and for a while after was with mother by day until 6pm then with dad by night.

He did ok most times until mom didn't do her share (not showing up, come some days , some days not and never knowing which days)

The times when it was consistent and mom acted right it did work out.

The point I want to make is its usually not the child that has the problems. Its the parents.

I both completely disagree, but also agree with you.

A schedule where a child is with one parent by day and the other parent by night is very consistent and works out quite well for children. Their life is the same, every day, its consistent and they understand and can deal with it. Plus, the added benefit is that they get both mommy and daddy time every day. In fact, that's almost an ideal situation if the parents are not together.

A life where their life changes every other day is horrible for a child...particularly a very young child. My personal opinion is that a parent who wants a schedule like that is a selfish parent. They are thinking about THEIR needs rather than their child's needs.

 

[rbw5147]

But keep in mind that in Colorado, it is the parent that has the child overnight that gets "credit" for that day with the child. I also thought I was doing the best thing for my son, by keeping him from 7 am to 6 pm everyday, then letting him spend the night with Dad. However, when we went to court, that bit me in the a$$ because Dad got the credit for spending an hour or two with our son, getting him to sleep, then dropping him off at my place in pjs to get dressed, fed breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Although I was the parent spending almost all the quality time and actually taking care of my son, on parent it did not appear that way. So, all I can is it's a slippery slope. Weighing out spending the most time with your child, vs getting penalized in the end for not "officially" spending that time with your child.