Ex-wife leaving child with alternate caregiver

[jkpdypdad]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

My ex-wife (sole physical, joint legal of 2 children) is planning on moving back to her hometown in the southeast US. She had planned on moving at Christmas, but says her training was moved up. She's now moving in 3 weeks. She gave both children the option to stay with her partner, or go with her as it's in the middle of the school year. My son is in high school, my daughter middle school. My son elected to stay behind, and my daughter to go with her.

I do not want to block the move, as they'll be much closer to us. She'll be around family, and she hasn't had a stable personal/professional life since moving to Oregon. She is romantically involved with new people every 2-3 months, who move in right away.

She says since she has sole physical custody, I have no say in whether my son goes with her or stays behind with her on again, off again partner. I am incredibly uncomfortable with the situation. I have never met her partner, I have concerns about what happens to my son if they break up during that time.

My question is - is there any way I could be granted temporary custody? I understand it's harder to for my son - in high school - to move with his classes, and her situation with the training for the job getting moved up (same company - transferring locations, not a large say in the training). I would take an 8 week leave of absence and move to their town. When I voiced this option, she informed me my son would be staying with her girlfriend, and I would only be able to see him based on our current visitation arrangement.

My wife and I had planned a trip out there, coincidentally, she's now leaving the same weekend we were going to be there, so we won't be able to spend time with either kid.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

My ex-wife (sole physical, joint legal of 2 children) is planning on moving back to her hometown in the southeast US. She had planned on moving at Christmas, but says her training was moved up. She's now moving in 3 weeks. She gave both children the option to stay with her partner, or go with her as it's in the middle of the school year. My son is in high school, my daughter middle school. My son elected to stay behind, and my daughter to go with her.

I do not want to block the move, as they'll be much closer to us. She'll be around family, and she hasn't had a stable personal/professional life since moving to Oregon. She is romantically involved with new people every 2-3 months, who move in right away.

She says since she has sole physical custody, I have no say in whether my son goes with her or stays behind with her on again, off again partner. I am incredibly uncomfortable with the situation. I have never met her partner, I have concerns about what happens to my son if they break up during that time.

My question is - is there any way I could be granted temporary custody? I understand it's harder to for my son - in high school - to move with his classes, and her situation with the training for the job getting moved up (same company - transferring locations, not a large say in the training). I would take an 8 week leave of absence and move to their town. When I voiced this option, she informed me my son would be staying with her girlfriend, and I would only be able to see him based on our current visitation arrangement.

My wife and I had planned a trip out there, coincidentally, she's now leaving the same weekend we were going to be there, so we won't be able to spend time with either kid.

Just so we're clear, Mom intends to leave your son with her partner while she moves to the new state? Would that be her permanent "ideal solution"?

If it is, she might just find herself disliking the result.

 

[jkpdypdad]

For the 8 weeks between her moving for the training, and Christmas Break - at which time my son would move with the partner to GA and they'd all be back together.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

My ex-wife (sole physical, joint legal of 2 children) is planning on moving back to her hometown in the southeast US. She had planned on moving at Christmas, but says her training was moved up. She's now moving in 3 weeks. She gave both children the option to stay with her partner, or go with her as it's in the middle of the school year. My son is in high school, my daughter middle school. My son elected to stay behind, and my daughter to go with her.

I do not want to block the move, as they'll be much closer to us. She'll be around family, and she hasn't had a stable personal/professional life since moving to Oregon. She is romantically involved with new people every 2-3 months, who move in right away.

She says since she has sole physical custody, I have no say in whether my son goes with her or stays behind with her on again, off again partner. I am incredibly uncomfortable with the situation. I have never met her partner, I have concerns about what happens to my son if they break up during that time.

My question is - is there any way I could be granted temporary custody? I understand it's harder to for my son - in high school - to move with his classes, and her situation with the training for the job getting moved up (same company - transferring locations, not a large say in the training). I would take an 8 week leave of absence and move to their town. When I voiced this option, she informed me my son would be staying with her girlfriend, and I would only be able to see him based on our current visitation arrangement.

My wife and I had planned a trip out there, coincidentally, she's now leaving the same weekend we were going to be there, so we won't be able to spend time with either kid.

Just how long does mom intend this arrangement to last? If its until the end of the semester its probably in your son's best interest educationally. If your son is a senior and its until the end of the school year, then it might be fair to let your son stay and graduate with his class. Anything else and I would be heading back to court asap.

 

[Proserpina]

For the 8 weeks between her moving for the training, and Christmas Break - at which time my son would move with the partner to GA and they'd all be back together.

That's a little different. There's nothing stopping you from filing for custody tomorrow morning, but given that you've agreed to the move and that he'd only be staying with the partner for 8 weeks, I'm not sure you'd be successful and there's no emergency so that route would be blocked too. It's really no different from sending him to stay with Grandma for the 8 weeks.

I don't however see the harm in suggesting to Mom that y'all have lunch together or something if only for you to meet her partner.

Don't forget that you can still object to the move.

 

[jkpdypdad]

He's a freshman, but taking 2 AP courses. He's also on the football team, but his last game is the week after she's planning on moving. My wife and I are both in the military, and if they were with us, and I had to PCS 8 weeks before the end of a semester, I would do the same thing she's doing. I would go ahead, and leave the kids with my wife.

The difference is, that's my wife of 6 years, and her and her partner were just broken up 2 weeks ago.

I appreciate all the responses. I think my main question is, if I were to take a leave of absence and move out there for the 8 weeks, can I legally ensure my child stays with me? Or does my ex, as the sole physical custodian, have the power to decide who he stays with. I would think, as a parent, the nod would go to me. But I'm not sure.

 

[mommyanme]

He's a freshman, but taking 2 AP courses. He's also on the football team, but his last game is the week after she's planning on moving. My wife and I are both in the military, and if they were with us, and I had to PCS 8 weeks before the end of a semester, I would do the same thing she's doing. I would go ahead, and leave the kids with my wife.

The difference is, that's my wife of 6 years, and her and her partner were just broken up 2 weeks ago.

I appreciate all the responses. I think my main question is, if I were to take a leave of absence and move out there for the 8 weeks, can I legally ensure my child stays with me? Or does my ex, as the sole physical custodian, have the power to decide who he stays with. I would think, as a parent, the nod would go to me. But I'm not sure.

You won't get into court quick enough to get that nod. Find a way to convince Mom and express to her that you are just thinking of them remaining with a parent for just those 8 weeks. She honestly may be afraid that you will file something behind her back. Say exactly what you have said here, that if it was you, the same situation, you would also do exactly what she is doing, but you would give her the option to have the kids.

 

[jkpdypdad]

Thank you.

That's all been said. I don't think the fear of that will ever go away. I've never pulled a stunt like that, but she always seems to think I might. When she originally moved, the father of her other daughter blocked the move until she gave up custody. She only took 2 kids (my 2) when she moved. If it's an issue of trust, nothing I say will change her mind.

I think - reading through this - is the issue of how it works with my son being left with someone else. I'm going to send a certified letter, laying out my concerns and asking for a plan to be drawn up for what happens in each situation. I'll speak with my lawyer on Monday about if we could go the route of stipulated judgment, etc, to formalize it.

I would email, but the response will just be defensive & hopefully the certified letter adds some professionalism to it. I do not know what happens if her and her girlfriend break up. I don't know what happens if I can't get a hold of him for a week. I don't think she would tell me if something did happen.

She treats me like an absentee father, while fighting tooth and nail over a single day of visitation. I've spent thousands over the years making sure I stay a presence in their lives. I don't want to block the move - they'll go from being 33 hours away to 7 hours. Her whole family lives in Georgia, and her other daughter. My parents live closer to. I can drive down there for their activities, and my son can drive up to see me. I don't want to at all, hinder her moving, because I think I'm still afraid it won't happen. I just want to ease my concerns about all the 'what ifs' for those 8 weeks - and when I have to defend my even being a part of the conversation (not the deciding vote, not a hindrance, just a part of the conversation as their father) it's long soliloquies of emails about what a bad father I am, if I truly loved my kids, I'd pay $1000 to see them for 24 hours, etc. I'm just imagining the response when I, at all, propose that something during the 8 weeks may not go as planned.

Thank yall for your help. Short of a - "Yes! All judges now give full custody to fathers and ex-wives can no longer send passive-aggressive emails" there wasn't really an answer. I'll shift my focus to how to address the 'what if' scenario in a productive way.

 

[Proserpina]

Thank you.

That's all been said. I don't think the fear of that will ever go away. I've never pulled a stunt like that, but she always seems to think I might. When she originally moved, the father of her other daughter blocked the move until she gave up custody. She only took 2 kids (my 2) when she moved. If it's an issue of trust, nothing I say will change her mind.

I think - reading through this - is the issue of how it works with my son being left with someone else. I'm going to send a certified letter, laying out my concerns and asking for a plan to be drawn up for what happens in each situation. I'll speak with my lawyer on Monday about if we could go the route of stipulated judgment, etc, to formalize it.

I would email, but the response will just be defensive & hopefully the certified letter adds some professionalism to it. I do not know what happens if her and her girlfriend break up. I don't know what happens if I can't get a hold of him for a week. I don't think she would tell me if something did happen.

She treats me like an absentee father, while fighting tooth and nail over a single day of visitation. I've spent thousands over the years making sure I stay a presence in their lives. I don't want to block the move - they'll go from being 33 hours away to 7 hours. Her whole family lives in Georgia, and her other daughter. My parents live closer to. I can drive down there for their activities, and my son can drive up to see me. I don't want to at all, hinder her moving, because I think I'm still afraid it won't happen. I just want to ease my concerns about all the 'what ifs' for those 8 weeks - and when I have to defend my even being a part of the conversation (not the deciding vote, not a hindrance, just a part of the conversation as their father) it's long soliloquies of emails about what a bad father I am, if I truly loved my kids, I'd pay $1000 to see them for 24 hours, etc. I'm just imagining the response when I, at all, propose that something during the 8 weeks may not go as planned.

Thank yall for your help. Short of a - "Yes! All judges now give full custody to fathers and ex-wives can no longer send passive-aggressive emails" there wasn't really an answer. I'll shift my focus to how to address the 'what if' scenario in a productive way.

I don't think that's the wisest choice at all. No court can rubber stamp a series of "what ifs", so that would render such a list useless for all intents and purposes. ROFR doesn't apply here, obviously.

What happens in an emergency? They'll find you and contact you.

What happens if they break up? Unlikely to matter anyway.

We can never have a backup plan for every single possibility and you may be throwing good money away for nothing.

 

[jkpdypdad]

What would you suggest I do?

 

[LdiJ]

What would you suggest I do?

I would honestly suggest that you simply let it go. Its only for 8 weeks and its in your child's best interest, educationally. Your child is old enough to contact you if something goes wrong, and old enough to protect himself if there are problems.

 

[stealth2]

Since it seems your son is not staying for the rest of the school year, but only until the end of the semester, I would likely also leave it be. BUT! I would plan on using whatever parenting time you have over those eight weeks, without fail. Probably in OR. If you have no parenting time due to the distance, I would try to arrange something w/Mom so you can spend a week or so with him mid-way through.

 

[ash_78]

Geez... sounds like you are being a stand up parent offering to take 8 weeks off and travel across the country to care for the child left behind. The mom is not being unreasonable leaving the decision with the high schooler to finish the year and transfer at the break. Have you talked to the son to see if wants you there? Most kids that age would pressure the other parent. Since she will not let you see the children when you are traveling across the country to do so I am not sure why you expect it to get better when she moves. Your going to need to contest custody somewhere and get set times and summers at least. Here a temp/emergency hearing would be heard in 2 weeks.

 

[Zigner]

Geez... sounds like you are being a stand up parent offering to take 8 weeks off and travel across the country to care for the child left behind. The mom is not being unreasonable leaving the decision with the high schooler to finish the year and transfer at the break. Have you talked to the son to see if wants you there? Most kids that age would pressure the other parent. Since she will not let you see the children when you are traveling across the country to do so I am not sure why you expect it to get better when she moves. Your going to need to contest custody somewhere and get set times and summers at least. Here a temp/emergency hearing would be heard in 2 weeks.

What is the emergency?

 

[Silverplum]

One can sign up as a "new" member, but one's writing "style" will inevitably remain the very same.

Have a cheezebitz.