Exhausted Mom need advice

[DJ's Mom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? PA

I apologize, this is really long.

I'm a single mom of a 4 1/2 year old son. His dad and I are no longer together and our custody order only came into place a year 1 1/2 ago when dad started back dating his ex-wife whom he remarried this year. Things between us are usually ok until the now wife again comes into play. We have shared and legal custody. My son is with dad 2 nights every week after daycare and then every other weekend from Friday-Sunday afternoon. Our order also states that if either parent is unable to provide care for 2 hours or more, the other parent is first option to offer childcare. Last Tuesday, daycare called to see who was picking our son up because dad hadn't made it there at his usual time. At this point I learned that the wife picked our son up from daycare the week before, he hid behind his teacher and didn't want to go with her. I had no knowledge of this. I also learned that dad had given her permission to pick him up and back in June added her to the list of people who could pick our son up. I called him to see if he was picking our son up, he told me yes he was. I also asked him about the wife picking our son up and he flipped out on me that it was what he wanted and for me to get over it. When I called the daycare to let them know dad would be picking him up, the wife showed up to pick our son up. I spoke with her over the phone to tell her I would pick my son up and his dad and I would discuss the matter. She got snide with me telling me she's picked him up before, she was already there and she was taking him with her and didn't care what I said.

This lead to me hanging up on her, calling the daycare to tell them she was not to take my child and I was on my way. Once I got there the wife informed me dad was on his way. Dad and I talked and we both agreed that if he had to take her off the paper it would only be the two of us picking our son up. I changed the forms with just the two of use listed to pick our son up and left them with the daycare for him to sign them. He filled out his own form where he listed her as the first person to pick him up and as an emergency contact person first to contact after him if he can't be reached. I do not agree with this and he will not discuss the matter with me.

Fast forward I had our WIC appointment scheduled for today, he told me to reschedule it cause he had plans. I rescheduled it for the next available date which is tomorrow at 2:30. I texted him yesterday to let him know this, he never replied back. Tonight I reminded him of this and he flipped out on me that I should not schedule appointments on his day. I should schedule them for my days and he doesn't care that it needed to be rescheduled again. He works usually picks our son up around 3:45.

Another problem is he constantly accuses our son of lying about things a child is not capable of lying about. He's been doing this since our son was almost 3. My son said he stayed the night at his aunt's house and daddy didn't stay, he came back to get him the next morning and took him to school. He first told me this back on July 18th, he's talked about it three other times since then even as recently as last week and nothing about his story has changed. I even talked about it when his dad was around and I saw dad putting his finger to his lips telling him to shh. It's to the point that when our son tells me anything, it's followed by "and mommy I'm telling the truth".

My question is what exactly is my rights as a mother. I've made many attempts to talk with him about these problems and he ignores my texts or hangs up on me. The order says he gets our son after daycare on his two nights. If his appointments are during a time that dad is still working am I suppose to not accept the appointments and wait until my day? Our son's starting school soon, should I wait longer and then request for a change in the custody order so he's in a stable home when he starts kindergarden or should I try now? My son is not oppose to staying the night but he's been asking can he just stay one night at daddy's cause everyone is mean to him, the older siblings 16, 13, and 12 call him names: ulgy, dumb, corny and a little punk. I just don't know what to do and I'm really frustrated. Again, sorry for the extremely long post.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[mistoffolees]

Most of what you're complaining about is silly - or wrong.

There's nothing wrong with Dad designating his wife to pick up the child - unless there's a court order that says otherwise. The only thing he did wrong is that he should have listed you as the first emergency contact.

And you shouldn't be scheduling things on Dad's time without Dad's permission.

And you really need to stop trying to alienate the child from Dad. You should not be asking him repeatedly to tell on Dad. It looks very much like you're grilling him for information.

Older siblings? They're a pain in the butt. I have several and they called me a lot worse. If you worked on a decent relationship with Dad instead of interfering with his parenting time and trying to find ways to get at him, you could probably discuss it.

 

[milspecgirl]

your right of refusal says if he cannot keep the child for a period over 2 hours. There is absolutely nothing wrong with stepmom picking the child up and bringing them to the house to wait for dad. chances are dad just cant get there before daycare closes or its more convenient for stepmom to do it. As long as he is home to the child within the 2 hours then you are wrong.

both parents should be contacted 1st in case of emergency. I have always been told emergency contact section is for people BESIDES the parent because they will automatically be contacted first. the er contact is in case neither parent can be reached.

stop asking kiddo about what he did with dad. you're really gonna complain cause he spent a night with his aunt? really? I hope you never plan on letting kiddo spend the night with your parents, etc.

 

[ra04152010]

Question

With the FROR (hope that is the right abbrev.) If it is either parents day and they allow the child to spend time or the night with someone else does this count as childcare?? Don't a lot of kids want to spend time or nights with other family and friends?

 

[mistoffolees]

With the FROR (hope that is the right abbrev.) If it is either parents day and they allow the child to spend time or the night with someone else does this count as childcare?? Don't a lot of kids want to spend time or nights with other family and friends?

Depends on the wording of the decree.

In most cases, if it were a regular thing and Grandma was watching the child regularly, FROR might come into play. But if it's a twice a year visit to Grandma's to see the cousins, probably not.

 

[ecmst12]

I think you need to call dad and apologize for being crazy and tell him you were wrong to be angry because stepmom picks kiddo up for dad sometimes. Tell him of COURSE she can pick him up any time it's his night with the child; as long as she's not trying to pick him up during YOUR time with the child there's no problem. And tell him that you trust he will tell you when he will be gone more then 2 hours so that you can pick up the child. Your child needs you to be sane and reasonable and to get along with dad. You have been none of those things here.

 

[CJane]

I think you need to call dad and apologize for being crazy and tell him you were wrong to be angry because stepmom picks kiddo up for dad sometimes. Tell him of COURSE she can pick him up any time it's his night with the child; as long as she's not trying to pick him up during YOUR time with the child there's no problem. And tell him that you trust he will tell you when he will be gone more then 2 hours so that you can pick up the child. Your child needs you to be sane and reasonable and to get along with dad. You have been none of those things here.

And, for good measure, I'd apologize to the daycare center too. Asking them to run interference like that is just ... bleh. Really? You WANT them to be all up in your dirty laundry like that?

 

[stealth2]

Yeah, I didn't see the point of making a fuss over stepmom picking kiddo up on Dad's days.

OP - some of your exhaustion will ease when you stop wasting energy on foolishness.

 

[LdiJ]

Most of what you're complaining about is silly - or wrong.

There's nothing wrong with Dad designating his wife to pick up the child - unless there's a court order that says otherwise. The only thing he did wrong is that he should have listed you as the first emergency contact.

And you shouldn't be scheduling things on Dad's time without Dad's permission.

And you really need to stop trying to alienate the child from Dad. You should not be asking him repeatedly to tell on Dad. It looks very much like you're grilling him for information.

Older siblings? They're a pain in the butt. I have several and they called me a lot worse. If you worked on a decent relationship with Dad instead of interfering with his parenting time and trying to find ways to get at him, you could probably discuss it.

I disagree with the bolded. Dad's "time" is after daycare. Mom wasn't interfering with dad's time at all making an appointment during the time when dad is working.

 

[stealth2]

I disagree with the bolded. Dad's "time" is after daycare. Mom wasn't interfering with dad's time at all making an appointment during the time when dad is working.

Since we don't know exactly how the order is worded, that may or may not be accurate.

 

[mistoffolees]

I disagree with the bolded. Dad's "time" is after daycare. Mom wasn't interfering with dad's time at all making an appointment during the time when dad is working.

At least the first time, it DID interfere with Dad's parenting time. OP said:
"Fast forward I had our WIC appointment scheduled for today, he told me to reschedule it cause he had plans."

So my advice to stop scheduling things on Dad's time was 100% relevant and accurate.

 

[LdiJ]

At least the first time, it DID interfere with Dad's parenting time. OP said:
"Fast forward I had our WIC appointment scheduled for today, he told me to reschedule it cause he had plans."

So my advice to stop scheduling things on Dad's time was 100% relevant and accurate.

I took that as dad couldn't be present because he had plans and therefore wanted it rescheduled. However, if your interpretation is accurate then yes, I agree.

 

[acmb05]

I took that as dad couldn't be present because he had plans and therefore wanted it rescheduled. However, if your interpretation is accurate then yes, I agree.

It's a WIC appointment, dad does not even have to be there for it. There is really no need for both parents to have to be there for it. This part I would say is petty on dad's part.

 

[DJ's Mom]

Most of what you're complaining about is silly - or wrong.

There's nothing wrong with Dad designating his wife to pick up the child - unless there's a court order that says otherwise. The only thing he did wrong is that he should have listed you as the first emergency contact.

And you shouldn't be scheduling things on Dad's time without Dad's permission.

And you really need to stop trying to alienate the child from Dad. You should not be asking him repeatedly to tell on Dad. It looks very much like you're grilling him for information.

Older siblings? They're a pain in the butt. I have several and they called me a lot worse. If you worked on a decent relationship with Dad instead of interfering with his parenting time and trying to find ways to get at him, you could probably discuss it.

Thanks for your input. First I do not ask my son anything about dad let alone repeatedly. My talks to me about everything, when he's playing with his toys or we're riding home from school, he just talks. So I', not asking him about dad or his household. As for the appointments, it's not like I signed him up for swim lessons, football or anything like that. These are appointments that I have no control over scheduling. I've always accepted first available appointments. The order has been in place since April 2009 and it's never been a problem regarding appointments, we just had a dr appointment on one of his days back in August of this year and a dentist appointment back in March of this year. It wasn't an issue then. It's not like it's every week and inconvience to him.

I'm not interfering with his parenting time. He's at work during these times of appointments. So, not sure how that messes with his time. We have always had a decent relationship with the exception of when the wife puts her two cents in and then everything needs to be an issue.

As for the wife picking our son up, it's not in the order that she can't however it is in the order that any decission need to be mutally agreed upon. This wasn't even discussed. Also he wanted me to change the form that was in place to remove my uncle who had been a contact since our son was born and he's never had a problem with it until now.

As for the older siblings, I'm sorry to hear you went throught the same thing however, a 16 yr old is old enough to know better and when the 4 1/2 yo is getting in trouble for repeating things that's said to him or he goes to tell dad and he gets yelled at, I don't think that's right. Me being mommy have to hear about it when he gets home and I can't talk to dad about it because his other children never do anything wrong.

 

[sometwo]

These are appointments that I have no control over scheduling. I've always accepted first available appointments

that's a huge contradiction right there. You can chose , you just chose the first available. We all have kids and have to schedule things. You can pick you just chose not to.

As for the wife picking our son up, it's not in the order that she can't however it is in the order that any decission need to be mutally agreed upon.

I'm not sure you can consider that falling under that area.

so he wanted me to change the form that was in place to remove my uncle who had been a contact since our son was born and he's never had a problem with it until now.

talk about double standards!