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Ex's girlfriend-issues with kids

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brotymo

Member
What is the name of your state? GA
Here is the situation. My ex has a girlfriend There are a couple of things that are issues for me. One, we have a cohabitation clause in the divorce. I have been careful not to ask the kids if their Dad and the girlfriend are sleeping together with the kids there (ages 12, 10, 8) b/c I don't want to put them in the middle.

At the time of the divorce, GF and Dad were already living together, and the first visit the kids had with their Dad she was there the whole time...even came with him to pick them up. Now, the reason this is being mentioned is, a year ago, I put my ex (at the time hubby)on a bus to deploy for a year with the military. We were, so I thought, doing fine. Two weeks later, he has a girlfriend half his age (he's 40, she's 20) and he managed to get out of his deployment after 2 months overseas and get divorced from me.

From the kids point of view, they have a family, and then all of a sudden they are being told in July that Mom and Dad are divorcing. Their Dad was overseas, so no chance to get used to the arrangement. First weekend Dad is back in country, he gets the kids and brings the girlfriend. At this point, he hadn't seen the kids for 3 months but brings her.

Kids t4ell me the GF is sleeping with Dad, and it bothers them. I talk to dad, remind him of cohab agreement, but most especially that this is a problem for the kids. They are NOT married. He says that they wont do it anymore. Oldest returns from a visit about 6 weeks ago upset b/c she realized Dad is lying and that he and GF are sneaking into bed together after my kids are asleep.

Dad also bought a very small RV and has taken trips the last few visits with the kids and GF. My oldest was getting sick that visit, and so she had lain awake for a long time. She said her Dad and GF pulled the curtain across their bed for privacy and she could hear them both moaning and groaning. She is old enough that she figured out what they were doing. I am furious about this. :mad:
Any suggestions? Talking to him makes it worse for the kids. He gets mad at them when he finds they come to me about stuff.

The other thing is this slick crap the ex does when he calls the kids. Usually when I see on the caller ID that it is the ex, I just tell the kids that their Dad is calling, and they grab the phone. Well, lately the GF will call them from their Dad's cell phone. :rolleyes: The kids are nice and polite to her, and she end the calls with "I LOVE YOU", to which the kids respond the same, cause they don't want to hurt her feelings. But, they don't like it and feel weird about it. My ex will also call them and then put her on the phone with them, too. I just think this is weird. Not sure how to deal with this.

What would you do about the sleeping together thing?
How would you handle phone calls, or is there really nothing I can do about that?
 


BelizeBreeze

Senior Member
the only issue you have of a legal nature is the non-cohabitation clause and its violation.

You can hire an investigator to document the girlfriend living there (it doesn't take a month of photos, just a few days) and then file a show cause for contempt.
 

brotymo

Member
BelizeBreeze said:
the only issue you have of a legal nature is the non-cohabitation clause and its violation.

You can hire an investigator to document the girlfriend living there (it doesn't take a month of photos, just a few days) and then file a show cause for contempt.
Thanks for the reply. I actually have a number of contempt issues, and I have him recorded on the phone admitting some of them. He is actively and openly living with her...no secret. They are living like a married couple. I don't know if I'd need an investigator if they are using the same address. Would a phone call to him,recorded by me where I bring up the subject with him and we discuss it be good enough? he already told me, and I have it recorded, that "he isn't going to marry her just to sleep with her" What I told him was, that I didn't see why he could give his kids 4 night a month when she is getting the other 27,and send her sleeping somewhere else. That is when he said that he'd be sleeping on the couch when the kids are there. Then a couple of weeks later is when my oldest came home talking about finding them in bed together after they had made a show if pulling out the sofabed, etc. :rolleyes:

I suppose I could begin answering the phone and if it is her, tell her they are unavailable instead of just letting the kids answer it. I just don't want to give HER time on MY time. If Dad wants to share his time with her, then that is fine. I don't see why I have to do it.
 
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BelizeBreeze

Senior Member
brotymo said:
Thanks for the reply. I actually have a number of contempt issues, and I have him recorded on the phone admitting some of them.

I suppose I could begin answering the phone and if it is her, tell her they are unavailable instead of just letting the kids answer it. I just don't want to give HER time on MY time. If Dad wants to share his time with her, then that is fine. I don't see why I have to do it.
these are personal issues. Not legal ones.

Based on your post, if you can prove cohabitation then do so and have the court handle such.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
brotymo said:
I just don't want to give HER time on MY time. If Dad wants to share his time with her, then that is fine. I don't see why I have to do it.
Yeah, but.... you're getting petty. Are thy on the phone for hours? Or a few minutes? Get over it - not a hill worth dying on.
 

brotymo

Member
stealth2 said:
Yeah, but.... you're getting petty. Are thy on the phone for hours? Or a few minutes? Get over it - not a hill worth dying on.
I'll just wait till she has kids, and then I will call them to chat and say "I love yous"
Wonder how she'll like it. (JK)
 

brotymo

Member
BelizeBreeze said:
these are personal issues. Not legal ones.

Based on your post, if you can prove cohabitation then do so and have the court handle such.
how does the court usually handle these things?
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
brotymo said:
how does the court usually handle these things?
The first time, maybe just a slap on the wrist and a fine......with an order not to do it again.

The second time, maybe a bigger fine and an order to pay your attorney fees.

The third time, maybe a loss of overnight visitation.

However, odds are that before the third time happens, he will marry her.
 

CJane

Senior Member
brotymo said:
That is when he said that he'd be sleeping on the couch when the kids are there. Then a couple of weeks later is when my oldest came home talking about finding them in bed together after they had made a show if pulling out the sofabed, etc. :rolleyes:
Soooo.... your concern isn't that he's living with this woman w/out being married to her, it's that he's sleeping with her with your kids there? I'm confused.

As far as the phone calls, your kids have every right not to respond in kind if they don't feel like it. It sounds to me more like they're trying to play it off so you don't feel bad.
 

brotymo

Member
CJane said:
Soooo.... your concern isn't that he's living with this woman w/out being married to her, it's that he's sleeping with her with your kids there? I'm confused.
My concern is that he is not supposed to be subjecting the kids to his "spend the night company". I don't have any control, nor do I want any over his personal decisions that affect him. I don't want him sleeping with her while the kids are present since they are not married. It completely goes against everything we have tried to teach our kids, and it BOTHERS the kids a lot. They come home telling me about it. The sex thing my daughter overheard has me furious. She is just beginning to develop and has tons of questions about her body. She has a crush/boyfriend (I will use that term loosely right now) and she needs a good example for how you handle boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.
CJane said:
As far as the phone calls, your kids have every right not to respond in kind if they don't feel like it. It sounds to me more like they're trying to play it off so you don't feel bad.
I don't think they are playing it off. They answer the phone thinking it is going to be their Dad (cause it is his cell phone) and it is her. They think it is weird, and they told me they don't really want to tell her they love her...but they can't see a way to not say it BACK when she says it. My son resents the heck out of her. My oldest think she is okay, but hates the way the girl talks bad about me, and my 8 year old thinks it is weird that she is barely older than the babysitter, and says "I feel like Daddy got another kid". So...I am making sure I bite my lip on my opinions. I want them to form their own...and they are doing it.
 
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CJane

Senior Member
brotymo said:
My concern is that he is not supposed to be subjecting the kids to his "spend the night company". I don't have any control, nor do I want any over his personal decisions that affect him. I don't want him sleeping with her while the kids are present since they are not married. It completely goes against everything we have tried to teach our kids, and it BOTHERS the kids a lot. They come home telling me about it. The sex thing my daughter overheard has me furious. She is just beginning to develop and has tons of questions about her body. She has a crush/boyfriend (I will use that term loosely right now) and she needs a good example for how you handle boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.
I guess my issue is that he's been living with her since BEFORE the non-cohab clause was put in your order. He's been in violation of the order since the divorce was final, and you've apparently been ok with their LIVING TOGETHER (possibly the only thing the cohab clause covers since we don't know what it says) as long as he sleeps on the couch when the kids are there?

Whether it bothers the kids isn't all that relevant. IF he married her, he'd be sleeping with her, and the kids would have to get over it. I'd suggest you start teaching some coping skills now.

Would you be equally furious if your daughter overheard them having sex if they were married?
 

Zephyr

Senior Member
brotymo said:
I'll just wait till she has kids, and then I will call them to chat and say "I love yous"
Wonder how she'll like it. (JK)
and SHE never has the kids- dad does.....and this really isn't a productive attitude
 

CJane

Senior Member
Zephyr said:
and SHE never has the kids- dad does.....and this really isn't a productive attitude
Also makes me think that the biggest roadblock to effective co-parenting is mom's issues with the girlfriend, not the kids' issues.
 

brotymo

Member
Zephyr said:
and SHE never has the kids- dad does.....and this really isn't a productive attitude
You must have missed my "just kidding" (jk) after the comment.
I am really not understanding what you mean here
 
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