Extra Curricular Activities Required?

[MsTKirk]

Speaking from expierence...it's a no-win situation for you and just like myself, have to deal with the fact that my intruded upon visitation is lost forever, never to be made up. If you make ani issue that the other parent is doing it on purpose and invading your private time with the child...only makes you sound like a parent who is refusing to allow the child to fully engage in child-appropriate life expierences.. Deal with it.

 

[StpMmy2Bekky]

Update:

I spoke with the case worker from the Friend of the Court today. For any of you who may have had the same question as I, here is the answer, at least here in Michigan.

The parent exercising parenting time is the one who gets to decide the schedule for the visit. Period. It is not required unless court ordered.

I was also advised to use the time that she (step daughter) gets to spend with us for our family time. If custodial parent refuses to substitute days so that we get the most possible time together, then we should use our, sorry, his parenting time to be together,in the best interest of the child. Since she spends most of her time at her mother's house, the mother has more time to commit to other things, such as sports, etc.

I was given a very helpful link to a website created by the State Capital regarding divorce and child custody. I hope it helps everyone else as much as it did me, biological and step parents alike.

http://www.courts.michigan.gov/scao/resources/publications/manuals/focb/pt_gdlns.pdf

My best to you all

 

[MsTKirk]

Ok, point proven...if you acted like that in front any court or court personnel (if being interviewed as the step-parent)...you would seem to be argumentive, demanding, and somewhat threatening.

Never be offended by any comment that someone makes in a FreeAdvice Forum..just be thankful you heard both the bad and the good, keeps you on your toes and 10 steps ahead. Every thinks and perceives things in a different way...I found that out when I received the court mediator's report regarding who should get custody..I thought for sure she liked me and felt the same way..but NOT!

I do understand your frustration though and attempting to get what you fully deserve in enjoying and being a part of the child's childhood. For every right ther's a wrong, it's a vicious circle!

 

[MsTKirk]

Ok if I missed the suggestion, then I'm truly Blonde....

Has anyone ever suggested to perhaps offer the NCP, a different visitation-day option, so that the NCP can get that private, personal quality time with the child...all the while enforcing that co-parenting plan and making the other parent feel just as important in the child's life. Since the CP to my so, signs him up endlessly for things, on my time no less. There always seems to an even number of scheduled games to be played, so I suggested he attend half and myself the other half. Sound ok to other's and fair to both? Wish it did to my son's father. He felt challenge by my request and suggestion and now things are worse off between us.

 

[Inquiry123]

"Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You"

StpMmy:

The traditional "Golden Rule" speaks toward an ethic of reciprocity rather than "keeping [one's] mouth shut."

Reciprocity is a two-way street. Cooperative exchange of privileges. You take care of me, I'll take care of you. You forgive me, I'll forgive you.

As you've discovered, BB gave you the correct legal advice. The ex gets to do what she wants on her time, your husband gets to do what he wants on his time. Children don't always get what they want. Thank goodness. Neither do CP's or NCP's...that's part of divorce.

There are boundaries set by the divorce decree and visitation schedule. A CP should not overstep their boundary by unilaterally scheduling the child's activities during the NCP's periods of visitation. Why wasn't the NCP requested to give their consent PRIOR to the child being encouraged to participate in an overlapping activity (The Golden Rule)?

"Put The Shoe On The Other Foot"...If NCP's started enrolling children in activities that would force CP's to accomodate during the CP's time -- Wait! What about the children?! Isn't it in their best interest to be involved in Baseball, Soccer, Cheerleading, Tumbling, Tap Dancing, Ice Skating, Ballet, Karate, Drama, Archery, Chess Club, Pep Squad, Etc.? Please, it's what the child wants!

Now it's time to put the ball back into the ex's court. Offer to trade days of visitation so that the ex can transport the child to the activity that's been scheduled. Your husband can be the hero by letting the child participate in the desired activity (he can go watch, too!) AND on the agreed trade-days, he can do what he wants with the child. Cooperative exchange of privileges - The Golden Rule.

 

[LdiJ]

Ok, Let's get a few things straight.

YES, I am the STEP-mother. I married somebody with a child, Casa. And I love that child more than life itself. If you had read my post more carefully, you would have found the exact times of practices and games. So, my step daughter's birth mother takes her to TWO practices, every other Friday night. Not that it's a competition. I ALSO said that we SUPPORT my step daughter's decision to participate. The reason I feel like a glorified taxi cab / babysitter is that we spend our ENTIRE TIME on Wednesday's taking her to and from practice. We miss out on ALMOST an entire Friday night with her as a result, also. Which in turn means that we are missing out on a lot of chances to bond with her, to spend quality time doing other things...such as the horseback riding lessons we had signed her up for but had to cancel as a result of recent events.

Legally, I understand that parenting time "belongs" to my husband, though it completely irks me when people say that. I have a family of three: My husband, my step daughter, and myself. So, it is OUR time. It is OUR time to spend together as a family, it is OUR time to make OUR memories. Need I go on????

I simply asked if it is legally required, and thank you to those who gave me a strait forward reply. I understand that, to many birth parents, step parents are a thorn in the foot. Imposters, as some may say. But, I have been in my step daughter's world for HALF of her life, since she was 4. And, as the years go on, it will seem to her as if I've been around forever. A strand of DNA is not all it takes to be a real mom...love, devotion, compassion, trust, honesty, patience and many, many other things are included. All of which I put forth with my step daughter.

Again, thanks to those who could help. For the others, follow the Golden Rule. Nothing nice to say? Then keep your mouth shut. I believe it was along those lines, right?

Not to ignore everything else, but I do have one question for you that I think is important. Why is it that taking the child to horseback riding lessons is different than taking the child to the activity we are talking about in this thread? Please think about that very carefully.

Legally, your husband can do what he wants on his "time". However I would hate to see a child miss out on something they really enjoy, just because a parent......or a parent's spouse...... is annoyed by the fact that it encroaches into "their" time. I personally think that participating in a child's activities are a great way to bond...my ex and our daughter did soccer together for several years....she played, he coached, and it was great for them.

If you do put the child into horseback riding lessons later on...won't you hope that mom will allow her to participate more than just during your husband's time?

 

[StpMmy2Bekky]

Seriously, I'm pulling my hair out here.

I doubt that I could possibly answer everybody's question in the same reply, but I'm going to give it my best shot.

Ok, here we go....(clearing throat).....

1. Yes, we've tried switching days of visitation.
2. I'm not the only one annoyed with the situation, husband feels the same way.
3. It's not all that different to want to enroll her into horseback riding lessons...the difference is that she (step daughter) specifically asked us if we could, and we told her she had to wait for summer break from school when we knew we would be the only ones who were committed to taking her.

I know that I haven't even begun to touch everyone's questions or comments, but my photographic memory is not functioning tonite.

Ms. T Kirk:
I'm truly sorry if that sounded at all threatening to you, or if you think it would have, had it been in front of a court official. I was not trying to be sarcastic or nasty for that matter, I was writing what I found out from our case worker, in case anybody else wondered.

BB:
Thank you so much for your reply to my original question, it helped out a lot and gave me something to go on.

Any parent, it doesn't matter whether or not you happen to be biological or step....ANY parent in a divorced situation goes through tough times at one point or another. Does it make them a horrible parent? Of course not! I didn't come onto this website to "whine to" anybody. I needed advice, and what better place to come than a website specializing in law?

I never dreamed for a moment (when I was a child stuck in my step daughter's place) that raising a family and getting them through childhood in a divorced situation could be so hard. I apologize daily to my step mother, and to my mother, and my father. Of course, none of them get along, but they love ME, which is what EVERY child needs to know, right?

I don't care if my husbands ex wife and I never become the type to go have coffee together. We don't even have to see eye to eye for that matter. As long as the four of us, meaning my husband, me, his ex wife, and her boyfriend, can raise Bekky with the assurance that ALL of us love her very, very much, THAT is what truly matters. And so far, no matter how much we all disagree, we're doing one thing right. Because at the end of the day, that little girl know's that she has not two, but FOUR parents who would give their own life just to spend another day with her.

 

[casa]

Ok, Let's get a few things straight.

YES, I am the STEP-mother. I married somebody with a child, Casa. And I love that child more than life itself. If you had read my post more carefully, you would have found the exact times of practices and games. So, my step daughter's birth mother takes her to TWO practices, every other Friday night. Not that it's a competition. I ALSO said that we SUPPORT my step daughter's decision to participate. The reason I feel like a glorified taxi cab / babysitter is that we spend our ENTIRE TIME on Wednesday's taking her to and from practice. We miss out on ALMOST an entire Friday night with her as a result, also. Which in turn means that we are missing out on a lot of chances to bond with her, to spend quality time doing other things...such as the horseback riding lessons we had signed her up for but had to cancel as a result of recent events.

Legally, I understand that parenting time "belongs" to my husband, though it completely irks me when people say that. I have a family of three: My husband, my step daughter, and myself. So, it is OUR time. It is OUR time to spend together as a family, it is OUR time to make OUR memories. Need I go on????

I simply asked if it is legally required, and thank you to those who gave me a strait forward reply. I understand that, to many birth parents, step parents are a thorn in the foot. Imposters, as some may say. But, I have been in my step daughter's world for HALF of her life, since she was 4. And, as the years go on, it will seem to her as if I've been around forever. A strand of DNA is not all it takes to be a real mom...love, devotion, compassion, trust, honesty, patience and many, many other things are included. All of which I put forth with my step daughter.

Again, thanks to those who could help. For the others, follow the Golden Rule. Nothing nice to say? Then keep your mouth shut. I believe it was along those lines, right?

Try not to put words in my mouth, K? The reason my oldest's father is in her life is because of her stepmother- She's easier to deal with than her father most times...so I don't think ALL step-parents are a 'thorn'.

I told you the legal answer- I said BB was right about the legalities. The rest was personal opinion/experience. I still don't think you are putting your step-daughter in the same context as you would your own child attending activities. I think sometimes when following the law to a T, you miss out on the important things: Like the child and what the child enjoys doing, and deciding to be a part of that despite any inconvenience.

If your husband and yourself decide that the practices are too much and just don't take her- Who are you disappointing more? The child. I hope you consider that (as I believe Ldij was referring to) before making a final decision.

The Golden Rule? I believe it's "Do Unto Others" ...Did you do that? I did. I like to hear all sides, so I can make the most informed decision possible- considering all angles. Knowledge is Power, afterall.

And yes, I understand the glorified taxi issue~ I'm a single Mom to 2 children, different age groups, different activities & friends and visitation times...I spend a large majority of my time transporting one child or the other to one thing or the other. I'm a parent, that's my job.

 

[nextwife]

While it is entirely possible that the extra curricular activities Mom signed her up for ARE important to the child, it is ALSO possible that they may not be. I have friend who feels compelled to have every free hour of every weekend filled with "programed activities. These are NOT all things the child cares about. Let's not presume, without actually inquiring with the CHILD, that mom's priorities are the same as kiddos! Maybe mom is just using extra curriculars to control where kiddo is during dad's time? Maybe kiddo DOES prefer horseback riding? Unless SOMEONE here is checking with the child, they don't KNOW that mom's choice of extra curriculars ARE the activities that kiddo DOES prefer?

And what about siblings, and attending activities together? When I was a kid, my parents made it very clear that it wasn't only all about ME and what I wanted. They needed to also consider the impact of my schedule on the family and to try to choose a schedule that kept ALL of us kids in mind. WE were expected to get involved in the same leagues or programs that the other sibs were in, rather than expecting our folks to zig zag all over town at the same tim!

As a courtesy. the CP should NOT sign up a child for activities on the NCPs time without first consulting. Maybe NCP has already arranged a shared activity with another sibling and CAN"T be in two places at once. My kid's little league has siblings attending together, because it makes sense for parents to have their kids in activities in the same place at the same time. when possible.. I never got to dictate to my parent, they dictated to me!

 

[casa]

While it is entirely possible that the extra curricular activities Mom signed her up for ARE important to the child, it is ALSO possible that they may not be. I have friend who feels compelled to have every free hour of every weekend filled with "programed activities. These are NOT all things the child cares about. Let's not presume, without actually inquiring with the CHILD, that mom's priorities are the same as kiddos! Maybe mom is just using extra curriculars to control where kiddo is during dad's time? Maybe kiddo DOES prefer horseback riding? Unless SOMEONE here is checking with the child, they don't KNOW that mom's choice of extra curriculars ARE the activities that kiddo DOES prefer?

And what about siblings, and attending activities together? When I was a kid, my parents made it very clear that it wasn't only all about ME and what I wanted. They needed to also consider the impact of my schedule on the family and to try to choose a schedule that kept ALL of us kids in mind. WE were expected to get involved in the same leagues or programs that the other sibs were in, rather than expecting our folks to zig zag all over town at the same tim!

As a courtesy. the CP shopuld NOT sign up a child for activities opn the NCPs time without first consulting. Maybe NCP has already arranged a shared activity with another sibling and CAN"T be in two places at once. My kid's little league has siblings attending together, because it makes sense for parents to have their kids in activities in the same place at the same time. when possible.. I never got to dictate to my parent, they dictated to me!

All good points nextwife- However, the stepmom has no children of her own #1...and it's only one activity the mother has signed the child up for #2. The stepmom even says they signed up the child for horseback riding lessons they had to cancel. It sounds to me like neither parent contacted the other in advance of the activities. In that case, the event first enrolled in and currently attending should take priority. *IMO*

Legally though, the father and stepmother can simply refuse to take the child...which it sounds as if that is what they will choose.

I think it's always a good idea to see both sides and weigh out possible outcomes from all angles. Hopefully this will be a lesson learned to talk about any activities with each other next time- so they don't have this conflict in advance. Father can let Mother know he won't take the child to any extra-curriculars which fall on his parenting time.

 

[nextwife]

It sounds to me like neither parent contacted the other in advance of the activities. In that case, the event first enrolled in and currently attending should take priority.

The difference is that Dad did NOT commit MOM to activities HE chose during MOM's time. Dad only scheduled activities that HE would be responsible to get the child to and only to activities that occured during his time.. Mom failed to check with dad as to HIS time. Activities should not be a race - to choose where to commit the other parent to be! Each parent should be compelled to check with the other FIRST when they are considering activities that may fall on the OTHER parents time.

 

[casa]

The difference is that Dad did NOT commit MOM to activities HE chose during MOM's time. Dad only scheduled activities that HE would be responsible to get the child to and only to activities that occured during his time.. Mom failed to check with dad as to HIS time. Activities should not be a race - to choose where to commit the other parent to be! Each parent should be compelled to check with the other FIRST when they are considering activities that may fall on the OTHER parents time.

And since this has been going on long enough for stepmom to get tired of it, I think Dad didn't tell Mom "No" in the first place...and now stepmom is the one being taxi and not liking it. So, this can be a lesson to Dad to ask Mom to let him know in advance...and if he has a problem, say so before the child is mid-way through an activity and suddenly not being taken to it.

 

[haiku]

The difference is that Dad did NOT commit MOM to activities HE chose during MOM's time. Dad only scheduled activities that HE would be responsible to get the child to and only to activities that occured during his time.. Mom failed to check with dad as to HIS time. Activities should not be a race - to choose where to commit the other parent to be! Each parent should be compelled to check with the other FIRST when they are considering activities that may fall on the OTHER parents time.

exactly. if I have court ordered set in stone time with my kid, I am going to assume I can sign them up for something or buy tickets to something for that time period.

I cannot automatically assume the same, if I want to do something on time that is not my court ordered time, so I would then call first.

And as an aside to the OP, and others looking for blended family friendly activities-horseback riding is a good activity, because you don't always have to sign up for set in stone lesson series, or events, and there is no team depending on you for saturdays game. Most of the barns in my neighborhood are a pay as you go affair, making it easy to also schedule lessons around visitation whether you are a CP or NCP.

 

[justlilolme]

Sounds to me like mom did this just to control dad's time considering that she is the one that signed the child up for the activity but the activity falls on dad's time the majority of time. Mom takes the kid to 2 practices a month and dad as to take the kid to 6 practices and 2 games a month - seems a bit excessive and controlling to me, on mom's part. My first thought and guess is that mom is just being a witch to dad on purpose.

I personally think that dad needs to put his foot down (after this particular activity is done) and let mom know that unless she discusses it with him first and he agrees to it ahead of time then he will not take the child to extra curricular activities, that mom unilaterally decided to enroll the child in, during his time.

Just my opinion, of course, but this kind of stuff really gets under my skin at times. Some parents REALLY are just out to be a PITA (Pain In The A*s) to the other parent.