Father fone for 4 years, lives out of state, now wants visitations

[m4l]

I'm posting this on a separate post that relates to another person but my ex is in another state so I'm requesting some assistance.

My ex was a meth addict. For the first 1.5 years he was off and on of drugs but got really bad toward the end. I filed for protection and, meanwhile, received full physical and legal custody and him with supervised visitations.

He never pursued anything until now (4 years later). He lives in another state so I'm not sure how that is going to happen. We have mediation on Friday so any advice or experience would be great.

I'd like to see reunification first. I've heard that is is a short time but not too familiar with this. Then supervised visitation NOT by his family because he tends to rely on his parents to do everything for him and his parents are quite pushy and will push the relationship between her and him (I've seen them do it before).

Any advice would be great.

 

[m4l]

How far away are you from the child? He is 8+ hours away and I know he won't make every other weekend for the rest of my daughter's childhood.

I certainly wouldn't allow her to leave the state for a very long time (until he is consistent with his visitations and has done it for YEARS!!)

I'm just taking one step at a time but I'd like to know how reunification and supervised visitations may happen especially if he is in another state.

 

[m4l]

I agree there definitely needs to be consistency which is my worry because he hasn't been consistent since she has been born! He has made so many excuses as to why he hasn't pursued visitations. I wouldn't be surprised that he may not be able to make it even once month for the first few visitations.

Is it appropriate to tell him, "Look, I work with former foster youth (which I do) and my husband is a junior high teacher. We see and know the affects of a parent that isn't consistent or is doesn't follow through. If you are going to do this, it is in her best interest that you are there EVERY visitation....NO EXCUSES. If you do not think you can do this right now, please do not pursue this."

Right now, she has a stable home life and family. She has a routine and we (husband and I) are both involved in all aspects of her life. She knows my husband as daddy. I know she'll ask to see her bio dad but i don't want him to think he can come and go as he pleases. She takes these things very personal. The only times she talks about her bio dad is when she is playing with something he bought her or when we go to Oregon to visit my sister (because he lives there too). she brings up his name for about a minute and nothing else.

 

[Silverplum]

I agree there definitely needs to be consistency which is my worry because he hasn't been consistent since she has been born! He has made so many excuses as to why he hasn't pursued visitations. I wouldn't be surprised that he may not be able to make it even once month for the first few visitations.

Is it appropriate to tell him, "Look, I work with former foster youth (which I do) and my husband is a junior high teacher. We see and know the affects of a parent that isn't consistent or is doesn't follow through. If you are going to do this, it is in her best interest that you are there EVERY visitation....NO EXCUSES. If you do not think you can do this right now, please do not pursue this."

Right now, she has a stable home life and family. She has a routine and we (husband and I) are both involved in all aspects of her life. She knows my husband as daddy. I know she'll ask to see her bio dad but i don't want him to think he can come and go as he pleases. She takes these things very personal. The only times she talks about her bio dad is when she is playing with something he bought her or when we go to Oregon to visit my sister (because he lives there too). she brings up his name for about a minute and nothing else.

Couple of comments:
Firstly, if you had bothered to read here at all, or bothered to learn about the proper ways to form "second" families, you would know that it is utterly inappropriate to teach/allow your child to call her stepparent "daddy." No excuses. We've heard them all.

Secondly, you clearly do not know that visitation is a right, not an obligation. A judge will give him his parental right (visitation) and not require him to exercise it. Your best remedy to this is a graduated plan, with the "penalty" for missing time being that he does not "move up" to more, unsupervised time.

 

[m4l]

Having her call my husband "daddy" as inappropriate is obviously just your opinion as I have done research and if the child CHOOSES to then we should not stop them....which was the case especially when she is treated with all the love, care, and attention that my husband has provided her. Her bio dad has never really been in her life and when my husband and I got together (she just turned 2), he was very good to her and still is. If he had the opportunity to adopt, he would.

Secondly, THAT IS MY PLAN that if he doesn't follow through, he doesn't get out of supervised visitations. I would like to make it known to him that it is very dangerous for him to come and go as he pleases and not make his visitations because my daughter (as most kids are) very sensitive and takes things personal when you don't follow through or are there for her.

I missed a "dance" performance during school because her teacher forgot to put the information in my daughter's folder. I had no idea they were doing this (which was mainly to perform in front of other classes, not necessarily parents...though I try to be there no matter what). She was so sad that she didn't see me or my husband there. I explained it to her but, still, to look at her face and know that it hurt her to not be there broke my heart.

 

[Silverplum]

Having her call my husband "daddy" as inappropriate is obviously just your opinion as I have done research and if the child CHOOSES to then we should not stop them....which was the case especially when she is treated with all the love, care, and attention that my husband has provided her. Her bio dad has never really been in her life and when my husband and I got together (she just turned 2), he was very good to her and still is. If he had the opportunity to adopt, he would.

You remain incorrect. Legally, morally, etc.

Secondly, THAT IS MY PLAN that if he doesn't follow through, he doesn't get out of unsupervised visitations. I would like to make it known to him that it is very dangerous for him to come and go as he pleases and not make his visitations because my daughter (as most kids are) very sensitive and takes things personal when you don't follow through or are there for her.

I missed a "dance" performance during school because her teacher forgot to put the information in my daughter's folder. I had no idea they were doing this (which was mainly to perform in front of other classes, not necessarily parents...though I try to be there no matter what). She was so sad that she didn't see me or my husband there. I explained it to her but, still, to look at her face and know that it hurt her to not be there broke my heart.

For Pete's sake, leave out all the emotional stuff. This is a LEGAL site. We're not interested, nor is the Court, in your sad child stuff.

Seems like you have your mind made up. Move along, then.

 

[m4l]

Again, your opinion if it is inappropriate. Her bio dad has not really been in her life at all!

Yes, I have my mind made up about what I want out of this mediation but if you see my original post, I'd like to see what other people's experience is and how reunification plays into this. SEE MY ORIGINAL POST AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ADVICE OR EXPERIENCE ON WHAT I ASKED....DON'T READ MY POST.

 

[RRevak]

I agree with Silver. My daugher has a step-father and even though he's been the primary caregiver to her aside from myself for the last 3 years of her life, we NEVER allow her to call him daddy. Even my daughter, who is 5, will tell people that he is *my husbands name* and that he isnt daddy because she already has a daddy. We always make it clear that even though he isnt here, she still has to respect the fact that he's still her FATHER. And if your childs father can demonstrate that he can reasonably carry out the duties of a parent (i.e remain drug free etc) then by all means should he attain visitation/custody. Its his right has her father. And a relationship should by any means be pushed between them. A child has the right to have BOTH parents in their life and no matter how good a step-parent may be or how long they may have been in the childs life for, they will never equal out to a childs real parent. And even if he does only make it once a month for visitation, it still constitutes as him seeking visitation.

 

[Silverplum]

Again, your opinion if it is inappropriate. Her bio dad has not really been in her life at all!

Yes, I have my mind made up about what I want out of this mediation but if you see my original post, I'd like to see what other people's experience is and how reunification plays into this. SEE MY ORIGINAL POST AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ADVICE OR EXPERIENCE ON WHAT I ASKED....DON'T READ MY POST.

Here on FA, attitude counts.

Yours is poor, to say the least.

Run along.

 

[mommyof4]

Having her call my husband "daddy" as inappropriate is obviously just your opinion as I have done research and if the child CHOOSES to then we should not stop them....which was the case especially when she is treated with all the love, care, and attention that my husband has provided her

Oh Moses on a skateboard...

You didn't reasearch jack, except to find some other perfect strangers who also choose to play musical daddies back up your assertion. Here's a tip...the court is going to REAM you for trying to play off a legal stranger as her daddy.

Her bio dad has never really been in her life and when my husband and I got together (she just turned 2), he was very good to her and still is. If he had the opportunity to adopt, he would.

How sweet of him. I always like to see everybody treat all children with kindness, patience, and love.

Secondly, THAT IS MY PLAN that if he doesn't follow through, he doesn't get out of unsupervised visitations. I would like to make it known to him that it is very dangerous for him to come and go as he pleases and not make his visitations because my daughter (as most kids are) very sensitive and takes things personal when you don't follow through or are there for her.

You are missing one key piece...YOU don't get to make the plans and call the shots. You lost that right when you had to get a court order the first go round.

I missed a "dance" performance during school because her teacher forgot to put the information in my daughter's folder. I had no idea they were doing this (which was mainly to perform in front of other classes, not necessarily parents...though I try to be there no matter what). She was so sad that she didn't see me or my husband there. I explained it to her but, still, to look at her face and know that it hurt her to not be there broke my heart.

Yep, that happens. Then the child is sad and hurt because everybody else's parents were there, but not hers. You apologize and move on. What's that got to do with the price of tea in China? Ohhhh, you are equating your devestating betrayal of your child's trust with the devestating betrayals your ex has committed.

After your flat out STUPID claims and your pathetic attempts to 'show up' a respected and knowledgable member of this site who YOU asked for help, I'm not going to help you any more than I already have. Consider yourself lucky if anybody with any actual knowledge of this type of situation does.

Oh, and your sordid little situation is really nothing new and nothing special. It happens all the time and the question has been asked repeatedly. Feel free to use that 'search' function.

ETA: What state?????

 

[m4l]

All of your "opinions" in relation to my husband being called "daddy" are not relevant to my post so please do not hesitate to leave the post if you cannot respect my decision to allow my daughter to call both my husband and bio dad "daddy". Her bio dad doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

I know that I'm not calling the shots but is it MY PLAN to propose these points which is my right during mediation.

I know that my situation is not unique which is why I asked of other people's opinions. I am asking that if you don't have experience with what I"m going through, please don't post. I don't need your "opinions" related to what my husband is called.

 

[mommyof4]

All of your "opinions" in relation to my husband being called "daddy" are not relevant to my post so please do not hesitate to leave the post if you cannot respect my decision to allow my daughter to call both my husband and bio dad "daddy". Her bio dad doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

I know that I'm not calling the shots but is it MY PLAN to propose these points which is my right during mediation.

I know that my situation is not unique which is why I asked of other people's opinions. I am asking that if you don't have experience with what I"m going through, please don't post. I don't need your "opinions" related to what my husband is called.

Ahhh, there you go posting YOUR opinions and assumptions. Has it occured to you that I do have the experience you are seeking? Has it occured to you that MANY of us do? You don't get to post your dirty laundry on a public board and then dictate what responses you get.

I ask again...

WHAT FREAKIN' STATE?

There is a reason that you are asked to provide that information upon making your first post. It's not there so you can test your 'delete' skills.

 

[special mom]

I know that my situation is not unique which is why I asked of other people's opinions. I am asking that if you don't have experience with what I"m going through, please don't post. I don't need your "opinions" related to what my husband is called.

You asked for opinions then get bent out of shape when you don't like them. Make up your mind. You were rude to SilverPlum, one of the most helpful, knowledgeable seniors here. Good Luck in mediation with the opinions you like...

 

[futuredust]

Having your child call someone else daddy when she already has a daddy is deplorable. Your new husband has not legally adopted this child, and therefore is not her dad.

My soon to be step- son called me mom over the summer, we were standing in the kitchen and I was making him something to eat. I did not make a big deal of it and casually said you know I love you, but you have a mommy.. and she deserves to be called that more then anyone, you can call me Miss XX if you like. We did not break stride, I did not pay a lot of attention to it, and I corrected it immediately, with out making a big deal out of it.

 

[futuredust]

I do have a question.. when your child's dad is exercising his visitation, which he will get. Will you mind if your child calls his girlfriend or wife, or current bed warmer, Mom?...