Father not receiving scheduled visitations

[lojak]

What is the name of your state?KS

For the second time I am trying to get the visitation rights that were granted in our divorce. Yes, I gave up the first time and I know I shouldn't have but I can explain the circumstances and they were not good. I take her to court, we are sent to mediation, she plays the game and I get no visitations. I am forced by the mediator to drive to her home every other weekend to be continuously denied. To her it is just a game. My son is 13 years old. His mom claims he is too young to be subjected to overnight visits. So far the mediator is allowing one day every other weekend for a few hours. This worked a couple of times and we had a great time but now she is denying and it seems as if the mediator does nothing. What can I do? I have asked that she drop him off and at least save me the driving time. This weekend I drove down to pick him up and she had her entire extended family in the driveway blocking access. Should I ask for a different mediator? Can I?

 

[abstract99]

Why do people always listen to the mediators? The mediator CANNOT tell you what you have to do. He can make suggestions on how to resolve the matter. If both parents do not agree in mediation the case is to be accelerated up to court. Did you agree to this in mediation? Big mistake if you did.

 

[lojak]

It was court ordered. I didn't know that I could refuse it. We went before a judge and he sent us to mediation. It's a worthless waste of time.

 

[WAstepmom]

exactly, those mediator's suppose to be nuetral. if they're not being nuetral or if you feel like they're taking the other person's side, request for a different mediator. and anything that you agree in a mediation is legal, so be careful for what you're agreeing on. Request to have her pick your son from your place and you pick him up at her place. That's usually how it works.

 

[stealth2]

Take it back to court. Frankly, it is absurd for anyone to think that a 13yo is to young for overnights, assuming there has been any sort of relationship between you and the kid.

 

[abstract99]

It was court ordered. I didn't know that I could refuse it. We went before a judge and he sent us to mediation. It's a worthless waste of time.

Yeah the judge always sends you to mediation first. He is giving you the oportunity to agree on things before you go in front of him and bog him down with all of your requests. Now that you know how it works you can hopefully make sure that it is done right. If a mediator enters into a "conculsion of metting" with statements that you did not agree to then you can take that with you to court. Since you agreed to it in mediation then it is binding and legal. You will have to abide by it until you get to court. Just so that you know, you will more than likely have to go through a mediator again before you get into court. Unless you can get your ex to agree on visitation in mediation you will not be able to have it until a judge rules on it which will take months.

 

[lojak]

So I can bypass the mediator and take her back to court prose? We have been seeing the mediator since December. I feel I have done everything she has asked, now she is wanting me to take classes, see a therapist and do all of the transportation. She sits there while my ex makes accusations and degrades my reputation and never interjects. My ex has done none of the things that were requested of her including changing school record information, getting me school information, class records and sporting event schedules, etc. There is no recourse for her when these things don't happen. It is very frustrating and now my son is saying "things" that I know have been programmed by his mother.

 

[abstract99]

So I can bypass the mediator and take her back to court prose? We have been seeing the mediator since December. I feel I have done everything she has asked, now she is wanting me to take classes, see a therapist and do all of the transportation. She sits there while my ex makes accusations and degrades my reputation and never interjects. My ex has done none of the things that were requested of her including changing school record information, getting me school information, class records and sporting event schedules, etc. There is no recourse for her when these things don't happen. It is very frustrating and now my son is saying "things" that I know have been programmed by his mother.

You can request a different mediator. If you file court paperwork the judge will more than likely order you to attend mediation. You cannot refuse this if a judge orders you to do it.

 

[stealth2]

Okay - there is obviously more going on than you've said. The WHOLE story might help as there has to be a reason why there are these restrictions being placed on you. What is it?

 

[lojak]

No, there is no reason for the restrictions except for the fact that I haven't had contact with him for a couple of years. We went through this whole process before and it was a constant struggle and too many trips back to court where nothing happened. The only thing I can tell you is that she has ties in the county. I know it sounds absurd but her father was the Fire Chief and he always touted that he could pull strings. I was once "falsely" arrested in front of my son while picking him up for a visitation. My ex does not deny that it was planned. It happened on a Friday night and I was released on Monday morning. My ex is very convincing and coniving and has a strong attorney who I am sure is advising her on how to play these games without getting herself into too much trouble.

 

[abstract99]

No, there is no reason for the restrictions except for the fact that I haven't had contact with him for a couple of years. We went through this whole process before and it was a constant struggle and too many trips back to court where nothing happened. The only thing I can tell you is that she has ties in the county. I know it sounds absurd but her father was the Fire Chief and he always touted that he could pull strings. I was once "falsely" arrested in front of my son while picking him up for a visitation. My ex does not deny that it was planned. It happened on a Friday night and I was released on Monday morning. My ex is very convincing and coniving and has a strong attorney who I am sure is advising her on how to play these games without getting herself into too much trouble.

The fact of the matter is there are loopholes around a lot of laws. No matter what ties your ex has to the sommunity it can only help so much. She is simply finding the loopholes. Your job is to be able to anticipate what she will do. You need to learn from what she does so that you can make sure that she is not able to do it again. A lot of the laws in child custody go like this: If one parent requests something and the other parent canno prove them wrong then they are a good percentage of the time perceived as telling the truth. You need to hire an attorney. I don't really care how broke you are because I pull very little money and I have found ways to get legal assistance and pay my legal fees. You have to go through and decide what you want and then think of what she might say to oppose what you want and then come up with a way around it. The fact that you didn't see your son for years can be solved by saying that you were trying to pull your life together and didn't want your child to suffer because you could not provide for him.

 

[J&A]

Man, your story pains me, it sounds way too familiar.....

GET A LAWYER!!! I did and it has helped tremendously.

Document everything, make police reports and file contempt charges if you are denied visitation. I hate to say it, but my ex beet me to every single punch and I am just now starting to fight back... she too has family ties and all of that but I think the bottom line is to not be intimidated.

Knowledge is power and I really didn't realize how little I knew about court and family court and what judges and mediators look for until I started researching. You would be amazed that the more you learn, the more you need to know..... so STUDY!!! Keep a journal of everything that is happening.

Here are some websites that should help:

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/index.html

http://www.equal-custody.org/

http://www.alexanderlaw.com/how-to-hire-lawyer.html (how to hire a lawyer)

http://www.childcustody411.com/CHK123AAG/index.html

 

[J&A]

Oh and one more thing, something I had to work on..... LEARN THE LINGO WHEN IN MEDIATION....

Be positive, friendly, don't throw her accusations back at her.

Say things like, "well there has been some hostility, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to be an active role in our child's life"

Keep directing the conversation to what you have to offer your child, speak about what positive things you have done with your child. Don't interupt, ask if you can speak.... speak firmly but softly.

Instead of saying "THAT WOMAN DOES THIS AND THAT", Try instead, "I am concerned that maybe ........"

Or "I feel like....."

Basically use non confrontational language.

Look up PAS if your son starts to become programmed with negative things to say about you.

I am not a lawyer, just a person in a VERY similar situation to yours and this is what many people, including some of the people here, have advised me to do..... GOOD LUCK!!!! And whatever you do, don't give up again!!!

 

[abstract99]

Just so you know, my ex (and I am sure she is not the only one) says things in mediation just to get a reaction out of me. Do not react to her. It will only hurt you. You want to seem like the parent that is more interested in solving the problem not spending all of your time placing blame.

 

[lojak]

Thank you all so much for your replies they have really helped me get my confidence back. I will be making some phone calls today. Our next mediation meeting is not until May but I will see what I can do to get an emergency meeting set. Will also start looking for an attorney to help. Your right about money but surely I can arrange something.