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Father says children should initiate visitation........

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Iowa. Our children are 12, 11 & 9 years old. Their father and I have been divorced for about 3 1/2 years. He has never really taken them on a regular basis, just when it is convenient for him. We were living within one mile of each other and that seemed to make no difference. Recently, my fiance & I bought a home, so now we live about 25 minutes from my ex. This past year my ex has told me that the kids are old enough to call him when they want to come and see him. I totally disagree. He is the adult and it is his responsibility to arrange visitation with them. Our youngest, the 9 year old, does call and spends time with him but the older two do not. Now it has gotten to the point that the 12 & 11 year old want nothing to do with their father. They feel that he does not love them enough to call them or ask them to come on his scheduled weekends. It is starting to cause some animosity between them and their younger brother. Their father favors the 9 year old and does "special" things with him that he does not do if they do go to see him. Father says that he does not have to take the kids on his scheduled weekends if he does not want to but then he turns around and wants 9 year old to come on my weekends. I am at my wits end as to how to handle this situation. I do not think that I am going to be able to get my point across to him. I do know that he is ruining his relationship with his two oldest children. Maybe I should not be concerned about that, but when he turns the tables on my kids and makes them feel guilty for not initiating the visitations , I get angry and confront him about it. Any advice on talking to my children & their father about what he is doing?
 


C

connerempire

Guest
I'm familiar with Kansas and Arkansas visitation laws, and I can't imagine Iowa would be much different. First and foremost, you need to consult your divorce decree to determine what the original agreement is for visitation. Your best bet is to stick with that agreement. If he opts to not take the kids on his weekend, then he loses out on visitation that time around. If he wants any of the children on your weekend, tell him he'll have to wait his turn.

It's so very common to see non-custodial parents pit their children against the custodial parent or, as in your case, make them feel guilty about current situations. The best advice I can give you is to never speak badly about their father in front of them. Show them that you're above slandering their father.

I would also recommend documenting every conversation, visitation and child support payment (if applicable). This will come in handy should you ever go to court. Additionally, if you can, hire a lawyer to do all the dirty work. You'd be surprised how quickly that'll clean things up. If your ex-husband has an issue about visitation, tell him to contact your lawyer. That will remove you from the situation and put it in neutral territory.

I hope this helps.
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
I tended to agree about not talking bad about the father in front of the children too no matter what... way back when. I let my children find their own opinion about their father and let them discuss it between them. They have since learned how their father lies to them and the things he does and at 8 and 11 we have had discussions about it. My older boy seems to do better when he feels he can talk about it. I'm sorry that you have to deal with the favortism that your ex shows at least my ex is equally harming my children. Doing what he is doing is harming the relationship between the children. The law states that you have to make your children go and although I don't agree with that totally since your older children feel the way they do it possibly might help with the sibling situation. Tell your ex he takes all or none.
 
I do not force the two older children to go to see him. It is a strange situation. The older two do not like to go to dad's because he does nothing with them. Plus, his home has one bedroom in which he and his girlfriend sleep in the bed and our children have to sleep on the floor. He has two other bedrooms in the house but they have water damage from 5 years ago that he has never fixed. So should I force my other two children to go when he does take the youngest child? Their father does not care weather they come along or not , as a matter of fact he does not even ask them to come along. That gets back to the initiation of visitation. The older two feel that if dad does not ask them if they want to visit then why should they go?
I do document everything. When he does not take his visitation, when he does, conversations, etc. incase someday I need proof of any of it. My 12 year old asked if we could move out of state so that see would not have to see him again. They understand what kind of person he is and they did this on their own. I have never talked bad about their father to them and we do talk about every situation as it comes up. Dad actually told 9 year old that he was suppose to hate me because I would not let him come and live with him. 9 year old told me this in one of our conversations. I was floored. I simply told him that no matter what your daddy ever did I would NEVER tell you to hate him. Hating is wrong. I just wish he would grow up and see what wonderful things he is missing out on by not spending more time with his children.
 
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tigger22472

Senior Member
I hate saying to force a kid to go somewhere they didn't want to go.. however it is causing sibling problems and that in turn hurts YOUR household. I truely see your older children's side of things but to keep peace I really think I would tell him all or none. Besides by just having your youngest there he can manipulate him easier. He couldn't pull that as much with the older ones there.
 
Thanks Tigger!!!!

Manipulating is exactly what he is doing to the youngest. Actually I think I would call it brainwashing. I will discuss this with the children and try it out with him on his next weekend. I'm sure it will just start another arguement but then I can't say I did not try. I just want what is best for my kids!!!!

Thanks for the help!
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
not a problem!! I know what you are going through though trust me. My greatest joy comes from when my ex tells my kids something and they talk about later and one of them point out the inconsistancies of his story without my help. He would tell them that he didn't see them cuz I wouldn't allow it... one of them would buy and and the other one would look at him and say..."wait... mom's the one that takes us to see him and picks us up." I just sit back and smile and know that they are seeing the true him. However that doesn't happen if they don't have someone else there pointing them out to them.. My ex told my children that he was dying and would never see them again. When my youngest saw how badly it was affecting my oldest he cried more for his brother then he did for what his dad said or even when he'd told them and he believed him. They will argue over what color the sky is just to not agree but when it really matters they band together as siblings should. If you prevent him from seeing the younger boy he will probably at least threaten you with court... however you would have the leverage by telling the judge you told him all or none. He'll be ticked off and threaten all kinds of things and may follow thru with a few. Just take it all like a grain of salt and not let it get to you for your kids sake.
 
A

Ashlee1443

Guest
I agree with Tigger, however, I consider this a no-win situation. First, I am totally against favoritism, when it comes to children, simply because I understand how emotionally traumitizing it can be for a child, and because of the fact that my own 2 year-old son is being neglected by his father, while his step-sister is well accepted by the two families. I cringe when I think of how hurt my son would be if he was involved with his father, knowing that he would never be as important to him as his step-sister. Therefore, I find it easier not to be involved at all, and once my son is older, he can decide for himself wether or not he would like to be a part of this type of behavior.

Now that that's be said, there's another factor that makes things a little more complicated in your situation--and that is the relationship between your 9 year old and his/her father. I completely agree with Tigger...it seems fair to say "all or nothing", but you must understand how hurt your older children are about not being involved with dad, and do you honestly believe it's fair to deny your 9 year old the relationship with dad, simply because dad chooses not to spend as much time with older kids? Visitation is visitation, if he's not abiding by the order, that's a seperate issue, I'm just giving my moral opinons here.Perhaps you should consult someone with a little more background in this area, but I would not do anything to ruin 9 year old's relationship with dad. True, it may be uncalled for that he doesn't show as much attention to older kids, but who knows why dad is this way...point blank--the 9 year old is his child also, and if he chooses to spend time with that child, then let it be. As your children get older, they'll form their own opinions about dad, and they'll handle it from there. If this is truly causing problems between your children, take the older kids out for the day when younger child visits with dad...work together...encourage dad to include other children. A relationship between a parent and child is a special one...I wouldn't criticize it. Good luck to you...JMO.
 

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