Father suddenly wants visitation rights after 4 years of no contact...

[petrock]

Georgia.

I am a 21year old single mother to a 5 year old boy. I got pregnant at the age of 16 and at 4 months pregnant the father up and moved to another state without any notice. I singlehandedly raised my son from the start, with absolutely no help from the father whatsoever. When my son was about a year and a half old, the father moved back to GA and with pressure from his own parents to be responsible, he pursued seeing his son for about 2 months. I didn't see a huge problem with it, until the father moved into what I saw unsuitable living arrangements for my son to be around. He ended up moving back out of state shortly after and did not contact me for any reason. Almost 4 years have passed and about 6 months ago I began to exchange minimal contact with the father via email. He apparantly is now back in GA and has claimed to be pursuing visitation rights. I have received child support in spurts when the father actually has a job, for the past 2 or 3 years now. Mind you, he is paying the absolute MINIMUM amount possible b/c the court based it on a minimum wage paying job due to him being unemployed during the time we went to court. I never pursued having it changed b/c he changed jobs so often. He did not pay for over a year and accrued a large amount in arrears. His tax return was recently seized this year and is being held in escrow until it is released to me. He is currently only $500 in arrears at this point according to child support enforcement. Also, he is not on the childs birth certificate. And of course there has been positive affirmation as to the paternity of the child. He is in no way able to afford attorney fees, so my assumption is that his parents are pursuing this or are greatly assisting him in doing so. He is also now married with two of his own children at the ripe age of 23.

Now that you've heard my story here are my questions and concerns. Does he have any rights not being on the birth certificate or having any contact with us the last 3-4 years of my childs life? How easily can he get visitation rights and how soon could this go into effect? My child does not know him or consider him his father... is this relative or pertinent to the courts?

I am considering moving to another state in the future to attend a different college. Being that the father has lived in another state for numerous years is it a problem for me to move or not? Nothing is official at this point or has been pursued in court, other than child support. What should I be cautious of or look out for?

I do not wish to allow custody or visitation to the father for what I see as valid reasons. He had a chance and blew it before, so why should he be allowed to potentially damage the childhood of an amazing little boy? I do not want my son to experience his sudden changes and inconsistencies. I dont know much about his current living arrangements or his life in general other than he has proven to be inconsistent with holding a job or having stable living arrangements. I on the other hand hold an extremely stable job that supports myself and my son in a far better way than he has proven to be able to. I am attending college and have put my son in the best schools possible.... all of which I have done on my own. His measly $179 a month, when I get it, doesn't touch the cost of child care, the thousands of diapers, medical expenses, clothing and so on that I had to afford, and often times couldn't. I did not have parents that pressured me to make something of myself or assisted in raising my child. I took on a huge responsibility when I was just a teenager... when the other party simply ran off. I have come very very far in life and do not wish to have it compromised by an irresponsible, ignorant boy that wishes to play father to a son he simply wrote off so long ago.

Any input or advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

 

[LdiJ]

If he has been proven (or will be proven) to be the father biologically (and I assume that must have happened since he is ordered to pay child support) if he pursues visitation rights he WILL get visitation rights. It would likely start out slow, and he may bail again, but if he is sincere he will end up being part of the child's life.

You have to accept that reality.

 

[Nurse at Heart]

Hi Petrock,

I can hear where you are coming from, but I don't think you are going to get much sympathy. I know that he (your ex) has been irresponsible in the past, but why do you think he is irresponsible now? Why are you willing to take money from him, but unwilling to allow your son to get to know his father? It is not as if your son can choose who fathered him - his dad will always be just that, whether they develop a relationship or not. I guess my other question is, don't you believe in second chances? If your ex is now married with two kids, he must have some sense of responsibility. Do you honestly expect a boy of 18 ior 19 (the age he must have been when you became parents) to be very responsible? I know that you were forced to become responsible, and I commend you for doing a great job (from the sounds of it), however I think you need to lose the anger that you have for this man and give your son a chance. You are not helping your son by keeping his father out of his life, now that he appears to want to be in your son's life. Talk with him and find out what he wants and feels, then you won't simply be guessing that his family is behind this change of heart. Perhaps he really has grown up as you have had to do.

I wish you luck,

Nurse

 

[Ohiogal]

Now that you've heard my story here are my questions and concerns. Does he have any rights not being on the birth certificate or having any contact with us the last 3-4 years of my childs life?

Whether he is on the birth certificate or not does not give him any rights. What gives him rights is he is the child's legal father.

How easily can he get visitation rights and how soon could this go into effect? My child does not know him or consider him his father... is this relative or pertinent to the courts?

He can easily get visitation rights by asking for them. He may even get joint custody. This could go into effect as soon as the court rules. He is the child's father. Look for a graduated visitation schedule but expect that overnights will happen before the end of the year. And next summer your son will spend half the summer with HIS father. As for your child not knowing him or considering him as his father -- what have you done to promote that relationship? Have you talked to your son about his father? Introduced your son to his grandparents? Done anything to promote and facilitate that relationship?

I am considering moving to another state in the future to attend a different college. Being that the father has lived in another state for numerous years is it a problem for me to move or not?

Does dad live in Georgia now? Where are you looking at moving? Most likely if dad lives in another state now he will not be able to stop you from taking the child to another state.

Nothing is official at this point or has been pursued in court, other than child support. What should I be cautious of or look out for?

The time for being cautious was before you had a child with this man. At this point, what you need to prepare for is the fact that dad has rights just like you do. You need to make sure you ease the transition for your son so that your son is comfortable with spending time with his father.

I do not wish to allow custody or visitation to the father for what I see as valid reasons. He had a chance and blew it before, so why should he be allowed to potentially damage the childhood of an amazing little boy? I

You do not have that right nor do your wishes matter. you have no say so in if your ex gets to spend time with his child.

do not want my son to experience his sudden changes and inconsistencies. I dont know much about his current living arrangements or his life in general other than he has proven to be inconsistent with holding a job or having stable living arrangements.

His living arrangements are NONE of your business. You have no right to dictate that or even to know about it. As long as he has a roof over his head that is considered safe and habitable by state standards, that is all that matters.

I on the other hand hold an extremely stable job that supports myself and my son in a far better way than he has proven to be able to. I am attending college and have put my son in the best schools possible.... all of which I have done on my own.

Good for you.

His measly $179 a month, when I get it, doesn't touch the cost of child care, the thousands of diapers, medical expenses, clothing and so on that I had to afford, and often times couldn't.

You made choices. his money is NOT to pay for all of that. It is to help. And child support is NOT an admission fee to spending time with a child.

I did not have parents that pressured me to make something of myself or assisted in raising my child.

Okay.

I took on a huge responsibility when I was just a teenager... when the other party simply ran off.

You made a choice to sleep with someone when you were a teen. You made a choice to get pregnant and keep the baby. you made choices. As did the other party. You don't get to criticize his choices anymore than you want anyone criticizing your choices.

I have come very very far in life and do not wish to have it compromised by an irresponsible, ignorant boy that wishes to play father to a son he simply wrote off so long ago.

And?

Any input or advice is greatly appreciated.

Quite frankly you need to grow up. You may think you are an adult but you are not acting like one. It takes two to be a baby and dad has a right to partake in his child's life regardless of the mistakes he made in the past. He apparently wants time with the child now and that is what is important.