Father would want custody, mother with mental health issues

[CJane]

I was going by what the psych doc told me to expect. I asked about her abilities overall and they indicated no concerns. This was in the early stages of understanding what was going on.

So there is medical evidence supporting the idea that if she's medicated, there are no strong concerns?

Well, the preschool is sponsored by the local school district and he was to be receiving therapies while attending to assist in getting him up to speed with the rest of his age students. He was only there because he qualified through the evaluations of multiple therapists associated with the school system.

But it's not compulsory, and he DID qualify to enter kindergarten, so those absences weren't detrimental to his welfare.

I was not aware because as far as I was told by my wife, he was attending regularly. I asked every day how his day was and what he did at school. He didn't miss 75% of the days, but he did miss close to a month's worth over the course of the semester. Again, though, if my wife told me he went, my son was not real good at the time at relaying to me exactly what he did during his day, and I saw no mailings or phone messages from the school regarding his attendance, I had no reason to question the issue. I even went to a group meeting including the principal, teachers, and all the therapists and nobody said one word to me wondering why he was missing so many more days than before.

Possibly because it wasn't a concern?

Nobody is "removing" her, I am making myself the primary contact. I have just as much right to be the primary as she does...and would most likely be easier to contact. She does not react quickly or decisively in emergency situations. And I can even very easily be there waiting for him if he were to be hurt badly or sick, as I work at the local children's hospital. She would still be on the contact list, I would simply be the primary now. The school system is small, and I think they would be willing to accomodate a person or two who had concerns about making sure their child was getting to school. I'm sure before that they just simply thought I was aware that he didn't go, so they didn't say anything.

Great. But are you going to now claim that Mom is not qualified to make the determination about whether or not the child should attend school on any given day? You're not there to 'assist' in the decision-making process.

And why does it seem that in most any thread I've read on these topics that when a woman decides she's going to take control of a situation she is "empowering" herself, but when a guy does it, it's controlling and overbearing? I almost never hear those words used to describe a woman's actions.

Believe me, if a Mom was here saying "dad's a mental case and he's dangerous but I leave the kid with him all day every day" and "dad's incapable of responding in an emergency, but I leave the kid alone with him all day every day" and "I want to be considered the primary contact for school because I want to know whether or not my son is at school because I don't trust his father whom I leave him alone with all day every day"... she'd get reamed.

90% of the time, she goes upstairs to bed as soon as I get home and does not get up again until about 9 pm or so, if at all. My stepson would attest to this. We don't see much of her in the evenings.

Your step-son will not and SHOULD NOT be allowed to testify. You need to leave him out of this. 100%.

And this is why you need a GAL. It'll cost you - maybe $5000 or so, but that's the only way you'll be able to really 'prove' any of this. And if she really has borderline personality disorder, she's going to be VERY manipulative with authority figures.

And the response to this would be to do what instead?

If you really think she's neglecting the child, or dangerous or whatever, you need to do something about THAT. You need to arrange for before school care that you can get the kid to in the mornings. Adventure Club or something - is there a drop-off program? My kids' schools open at 730 so that kids can be dropped off and catch buses to the other schools in the district for parents that work. Or does he perhaps have a classmate whose house he could be dropped at to catch a bus or walk?

 

[Yoda]

Believe me, if a Mom was here saying "dad's a mental case and he's dangerous but I leave the kid with him all day every day" and "dad's incapable of responding in an emergency, but I leave the kid alone with him all day every day" and "I want to be considered the primary contact for school because I want to know whether or not my son is at school because I don't trust his father whom I leave him alone with all day every day"... she'd get reamed.

Great, so that's what I'm getting here. I simply post what's going on and ask for input on handling things and that sets me up to be "reamed". I understand playing the whole devil's advocate thing here, but I am doing the best I feel I can given the resources I have at my disposal. For example, yes, there is a latchkey program where you can drop your child off in the morning like that and yes, I looked into it and told my wife I was considering it. She very matter of factly told me that if I did that she would take him and leave with him and "disappear". Her words. Not to mention the fact that they have no openings now for the upcoming school year. I've ordered books on dealing with people with her diagnoses and am reading through those, attended counseling with her, I'm trying to keep the ship on an even keel here. As far as the reviews have been here, so far, it doesn't seem as though I've done anything right thus far. Never claimed to be an expert on this stuff.

 

[CJane]

Heh. You are so NOT being reamed. Believe me. Search around for threads where the people here think that mom is being overly controlling. You'll see what reaming is. But you can't just play the 'woe is me, you're being mean because I'm not a mommy' card. It's not gonna fly in this place.

If you want out of your marriage, you need to file for divorce, custody, and the appointment of a GAL. You need to STOP leaving the child alone with mom if you plan to prove she's a danger to said child. The 16 year old needs to be LEFT OUT of the equation. Do NOT plan on her mother testifying against her when push comes to shove.

Mom has a constitutional RIGHT to parent HER child. It's unlikely, unless you can prove that she presents a continuing threat to the child's physical well-being that supervised visits would be ordered... especially long term.

It's possible that you would be awarded physical custody, but do you have a plan to pull that off? You'll need child care if you plan to remain employed. Have you priced full-time care for your son for the school year? How long are the wait-lists? How expensive is summer care? Can you afford it? What will you do when your son is ill and cannot go to school? What happens during extended school holidays?

 

[Yoda]

But you can't just play the 'woe is me, you're being mean because I'm not a mommy' card. It's not gonna fly in this place

Believe me, I'm not playing any "cards". If I was the "woe is me" type, I would have been sunk months ago.

It's possible that you would be awarded physical custody, but do you have a plan to pull that off? You'll need child care if you plan to remain employed. Have you priced full-time care for your son for the school year? How long are the wait-lists? How expensive is summer care? Can you afford it? What will you do when your son is ill and cannot go to school? What happens during extended school holidays?

Yes on all the above. Wait lists are through the end of the fall semester at least.

thanks for your responses

 

[LdiJ]

Yoda, here is what is likely to happen......

You will file for primary custody and supervised visits for mom.

She will trot out her doctors who are indicating that there is no cause for concern. You will be unable to prove otherwise because you can't use the 16 year old, and the MIL is unlikely to support you.

You will end up with some form of joint custody. You might get primary, but you might not. However, even in the best case scenario the child is going to be spending a significant amount of unsupervised time with mom, and you won't be there.

Money will be more tight than it is now, so your resources will be limited. If you are able to prove mom to be mentally incompetent, then you would prove she is disabled, which means that you might even end up paying her alimony.

Consider trying to stick out your marriage for a while longer, and trying your best to help mom get better. Maybe even consider marriage counseling, and perhaps even consider that mom going to bed when you get home is to avoid YOU. That is not a slam against you, its simply a logical conclusion. Your marital relationship is deteriorating and that kind of avoidance would be a normal reaction.

 

[Silverplum]

Hang onto your hat, LdiJ...

I agree with LdiJ 100%.

Yoda, here is what is likely to happen......

You will file for primary custody and supervised visits for mom.

She will trot out her doctors who are indicating that there is no cause for concern. You will be unable to prove otherwise because you can't use the 16 year old, and the MIL is unlikely to support you.

You will end up with some form of joint custody. You might get primary, but you might not. However, even in the best case scenario the child is going to be spending a significant amount of unsupervised time with mom, and you won't be there.

Money will be more tight than it is now, so your resources will be limited. If you are able to prove mom to be mentally incompetent, then you would prove she is disabled, which means that you might even end up paying her alimony.

Consider trying to stick out your marriage for a while longer, and trying your best to help mom get better. Maybe even consider marriage counseling, and perhaps even consider that mom going to bed when you get home is to avoid YOU. That is not a slam against you, its simply a logical conclusion. Your marital relationship is deteriorating and that kind of avoidance would be a normal reaction.

 

[CJane]

Yoda, here is what is likely to happen......

You will file for primary custody and supervised visits for mom.

She will trot out her doctors who are indicating that there is no cause for concern. You will be unable to prove otherwise because you can't use the 16 year old, and the MIL is unlikely to support you.

You will end up with some form of joint custody. You might get primary, but you might not. However, even in the best case scenario the child is going to be spending a significant amount of unsupervised time with mom, and you won't be there.

Money will be more tight than it is now, so your resources will be limited. If you are able to prove mom to be mentally incompetent, then you would prove she is disabled, which means that you might even end up paying her alimony.

Consider trying to stick out your marriage for a while longer, and trying your best to help mom get better. Maybe even consider marriage counseling, and perhaps even consider that mom going to bed when you get home is to avoid YOU. That is not a slam against you, its simply a logical conclusion. Your marital relationship is deteriorating and that kind of avoidance would be a normal reaction.

Wow, in one post, you summed up ALL of mine.

 

[Yoda]

Thanks LdiJ, much more what I was looking for.

I'm sure she probably does wish to avoid me. She lays around all day, every day, does absolutely nothing to keep the house up, while I and my stepson run around doing laundry, cleaning house, mowing the lawn, cooking meals, doing dishes, taking care of the child. I'm sure she's afraid I'll actually ask her to do something. I guess it looks like I'm stuck, and it'll take something really bad by her to alter anything. Looks like I'll have to start looking into a different approach to this. It all seems so rediculous to have this be such a point of contention when she is the one who has said to me, her psych doc, and her therapist that she loves her son, but she doesn't feel inclined to take care of him.