Frusterated

[Chrln_little]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Maryland

Back Story

My ex and I met when I was 16 and he was 24. I had a pretty crappy/abusive home life throughout my childhood and he was a way out and a ticket to independence, being able to work and finally getting out from under my mother's reign.Yes, I know that isn't a good reason, but I would not be where I am now without having taken that risk.

My ex and I had two children. The relationship was never even what you could consider decent, as I am sure you assumed from the passage above. Our break-up in 2006 was pretty violent (on his side) and he disappeared for four years other than to call and threaten me. He reappeared in 2010 and filed for custody of one of our children. The case was scheduled to be heard in November. I attended the state mandated co-parenting class and attempted mediation. We came to a great agreement Two weeks before court, he dropped the case, which I hear is pretty rare for them to allow, but since he stated in the paperwork that he had absolutely no interest in seeing the children and the court was loaded down with cases, they dropped everything. He disappeared again until August of 2013.

I maintained contact with his mother, his brothers and his sisters and kept the kids in contact with them whenever they asked. They saw them on birthdays, holidays and whenever they had time on weekends. I moved to a new town on August 1, 2013 and as luck would have it, my ex only lived three blocks away. I was served paperwork on August 23, 2013 stating that he was filing for full custody. I was served the following morning with more paperwork for an emergency hearing that slung a lot of false allegations. Court was scheduled, mediation was ordered again.

We went to mediation and we were able to work out an agreement, withholding a few things that I was not willing to sway on. We worked these things out in a four way meeting between me, him, my attorney and his attorney. I knew it wouldn't be perfect, no custody arrangement ever is. However, this one has turned out to be a nightmare that even my children do not want to be part of.

So far there have been major violations, on his part, of the court order. I am quoting the Consent Order because it is not as lengthy as the Explanatory Statement.

The custody order states that I have Sole Physical Custody and he has visitations. We share legal custody but because of his history, we have a tie breaker for medical decisions (our pediatrician) and a tie breaker for school decisions (a student advocate from the school board).

His normal visitation schedule states that he sees the children every Wednesday from 4:30 pm to 8:15 am on Thursday morning. He was responsible for putting the kids on the bus. He also has visitation with them every other weekend from 4:30 pm on Friday to 7:30 pm on Sunday.

1. My oldest son who is eight is on medication for ADHD, anxiety, and a mood disorder. My seven year old is on medication for ADHD. My ex refuses to give the medication even though the order specifically states that "Father shall administer ________ and ___________ prescribed medication as directed by the minor children's treating physician. Father shall continue to give said medication(s) until and unless notified by the minor children's treating physician.

2. Shortly after the agreement was signed up on and heard by the "Master of the Court" my ex sold his house and moved across town. He is no longer in the school district so he must bring the kids home at 7 am on Thursday mornings because he has to be at work at 7:15 and his girlfriend's drivers license was suspended. Since my 7 year old has ADHD and autism, two transitions first thing in the morning result in multiple meltdowns at school.

3. Since we share 50/50 legal custody, we must communicate on topics that pertain to the kids. My ex refuses and would rather cuss me out in person. To avoid me and my ex talking about the kids, his girlfriend chanced the house phone number, changed the cell phone number, and canceled his email. I have no means of communication with him, or with my kids while they are with him. Because of this, I have given my kids an emergency cellphone to get in contact with me while they are at their dads. It is also required in the agreement that I am able to contact my kids while they are with him and vise versa.

4. He blocks necessary programs and has to be overridden constantly. My kids participate in extracurricular activities and my youngest is in an after school program that allows him to work with other kids closely, which is necessary for building social skills in children with autism. When the time came to start the program this year, my ex blocked every move the school was making for his best interest. Finally my son's psychiatrist, pediatrician and the appointed tie breaker for educational activities had to step in and override his decision, which is making my son feel as though he is a tug of war instead of an integral part of a functioning split family.

5. My ex's girlfriend smokes marijuana, does various drugs and drinks constantly around my kids. I personally do not care about her drug habits as long as she does not expose my kids to it. Quite frankly, I don't care if she passes out in her yard daily, as long as my kids are not present when she does it. We went to the gas station and my 8 year old asked me why I don't purchase "wraps" and why I don't "smoke weed." Mind you, my kids have NEVER been exposed to any type of drug use until they went over to see their dad. My youngest son with him is on what is considered a narcotic stimulant for his ADHD, called Concerta. My son explained to me that my ex's girlfriend crushed one of his pills with a cup, chopped it up with her license and snorted it up her nose. He then said that she went to the sink, wet her finger and placed water in her nose. I have contacted the police but they stated that unless she is caught with the pill or the marijuana, or in the act of using the either that there is nothing they can do. So I had to stop sending the medication after that point because she was taking them instead of my kids.

6. As punishment for misbehaving my kids are told to stand in the corner. Typically this would be his father's business, but it became mine when his girlfriend started allowing her kids to hit, kick and punch my children while they were in the corner. She has three girls and they are allowed to do whatever they want, whenever they want. My ex has been specifically instructed that he is not to put his hands on her kids, yet my kids have told me that she hits both of my boys.

7. My son is afraid to go to their house because he is tired of being screamed at. At seven and with autism and ADHD, he doesn't always pay attention to his actions. I understand that she wants the toilet flushed when he leaves the room, but screaming that she is going to "beat him" or "knock the beep out of" him is extremely over the top and in my opinion, abuse.

These are just a few of the infractions that I am concerned about. Would this be enough to overturn at least part of the contact they have with their father since he is allowing these things to happen? Me, my exes sister and my exes mother have all tried to talk to him and work through these problems with him, but it typically lead to threat of violence from him. I am just at a loss of what to do.


PS. After I hit submit, I did realize I misspelled the title.

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Maryland

Back Story

My ex and I met when I was 16 and he was 24. I had a pretty crappy/abusive home life throughout my childhood and he was a way out and a ticket to independence, being able to work and finally getting out from under my mother's reign.Yes, I know that isn't a good reason, but I would not be where I am now without having taken that risk.

My ex and I had two children. The relationship was never even what you could consider decent, as I am sure you assumed from the passage above. Our break-up in 2006 was pretty violent (on his side) and he disappeared for four years other than to call and threaten me. He reappeared in 2010 and filed for custody of one of our children. The case was scheduled to be heard in November. I attended the state mandated co-parenting class and attempted mediation. We came to a great agreement Two weeks before court, he dropped the case, which I hear is pretty rare for them to allow, but since he stated in the paperwork that he had absolutely no interest in seeing the children and the court was loaded down with cases, they dropped everything. He disappeared again until August of 2013.

I maintained contact with his mother, his brothers and his sisters and kept the kids in contact with them whenever they asked. They saw them on birthdays, holidays and whenever they had time on weekends. I moved to a new town on August 1, 2013 and as luck would have it, my ex only lived three blocks away. I was served paperwork on August 23, 2013 stating that he was filing for full custody. I was served the following morning with more paperwork for an emergency hearing that slung a lot of false allegations. Court was scheduled, mediation was ordered again.

We went to mediation and we were able to work out an agreement, withholding a few things that I was not willing to sway on. We worked these things out in a four way meeting between me, him, my attorney and his attorney. I knew it wouldn't be perfect, no custody arrangement ever is. However, this one has turned out to be a nightmare that even my children do not want to be part of.

So far there have been major violations, on his part, of the court order. I am quoting the Consent Order because it is not as lengthy as the Explanatory Statement.

The custody order states that I have Sole Physical Custody and he has visitations. We share legal custody but because of his history, we have a tie breaker for medical decisions (our pediatrician) and a tie breaker for school decisions (a student advocate from the school board).

His normal visitation schedule states that he sees the children every Wednesday from 4:30 pm to 8:15 am on Thursday morning. He was responsible for putting the kids on the bus. He also has visitation with them every other weekend from 4:30 pm on Friday to 7:30 pm on Sunday.

1. My oldest son who is eight is on medication for ADHD, anxiety, and a mood disorder. My seven year old is on medication for ADHD. My ex refuses to give the medication even though the order specifically states that "Father shall administer ________ and ___________ prescribed medication as directed by the minor children's treating physician. Father shall continue to give said medication(s) until and unless notified by the minor children's treating physician.

2. Shortly after the agreement was signed up on and heard by the "Master of the Court" my ex sold his house and moved across town. He is no longer in the school district so he must bring the kids home at 7 am on Thursday mornings because he has to be at work at 7:15 and his girlfriend's drivers license was suspended. Since my 7 year old has ADHD and autism, two transitions first thing in the morning result in multiple meltdowns at school.

3. Since we share 50/50 legal custody, we must communicate on topics that pertain to the kids. My ex refuses and would rather cuss me out in person. To avoid me and my ex talking about the kids, his girlfriend chanced the house phone number, changed the cell phone number, and canceled his email. I have no means of communication with him, or with my kids while they are with him. Because of this, I have given my kids an emergency cellphone to get in contact with me while they are at their dads. It is also required in the agreement that I am able to contact my kids while they are with him and vise versa.

4. He blocks necessary programs and has to be overridden constantly. My kids participate in extracurricular activities and my youngest is in an after school program that allows him to work with other kids closely, which is necessary for building social skills in children with autism. When the time came to start the program this year, my ex blocked every move the school was making for his best interest. Finally my son's psychiatrist, pediatrician and the appointed tie breaker for educational activities had to step in and override his decision, which is making my son feel as though he is a tug of war instead of an integral part of a functioning split family.

5. My ex's girlfriend smokes marijuana, does various drugs and drinks constantly around my kids. I personally do not care about her drug habits as long as she does not expose my kids to it. Quite frankly, I don't care if she passes out in her yard daily, as long as my kids are not present when she does it. We went to the gas station and my 8 year old asked me why I don't purchase "wraps" and why I don't "smoke weed." Mind you, my kids have NEVER been exposed to any type of drug use until they went over to see their dad. My youngest son with him is on what is considered a narcotic stimulant for his ADHD, called Concerta. My son explained to me that my ex's girlfriend crushed one of his pills with a cup, chopped it up with her license and snorted it up her nose. He then said that she went to the sink, wet her finger and placed water in her nose. I have contacted the police but they stated that unless she is caught with the pill or the marijuana, or in the act of using the either that there is nothing they can do. So I had to stop sending the medication after that point because she was taking them instead of my kids.

6. As punishment for misbehaving my kids are told to stand in the corner. Typically this would be his father's business, but it became mine when his girlfriend started allowing her kids to hit, kick and punch my children while they were in the corner. She has three girls and they are allowed to do whatever they want, whenever they want. My ex has been specifically instructed that he is not to put his hands on her kids, yet my kids have told me that she hits both of my boys.

7. My son is afraid to go to their house because he is tired of being screamed at. At seven and with autism and ADHD, he doesn't always pay attention to his actions. I understand that she wants the toilet flushed when he leaves the room, but screaming that she is going to "beat him" or "knock the beep out of" him is extremely over the top and in my opinion, abuse.

These are just a few of the infractions that I am concerned about. Would this be enough to overturn at least part of the contact they have with their father since he is allowing these things to happen? Me, my exes sister and my exes mother have all tried to talk to him and work through these problems with him, but it typically lead to threat of violence from him. I am just at a loss of what to do.


PS. After I hit submit, I did realize I misspelled the title.

Bump for an attorney or someone with knowledge in MD custody matters.

Good Luck OP...

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

Other than Dad being obstinate about the school activities, which you seem to have handled well with the assistance of the tie breaker, do you have any proof of the other activities, other than the word of 2 children with documented ADHD and Autism? If not, you may have to petition the court for a Guardian Ad Litem to be appointed. But don't be assured of that happening based on the little that you have presented here.

Please don't take my comment about the children as questioning the validity of your concerns, as that was not my intention.

Dad moving "across town" won't be considered an issue unless the children are consistently late for school following dad's visitation.

 

[Just Blue]

Other than Dad being obstinate about the school activities, which you seem to have handled well with the assistance of the tie breaker, do you have any proof of the other activities, other than the word of 2 children with documented ADHD and Autism? If not, you may have to petition the court for a Guardian Ad Litem to be appointed. But don't be assured of that happening based on the little that you have presented here.

Please don't take my comment about the children as questioning the validity of your concerns, as that was not my intention.

Dad moving "across town" won't be considered an issue unless the children are consistently late for school following dad's visitation.

Thanks for your post...

 

[Chrln_little]

Other than Dad being obstinate about the school activities, which you seem to have handled well with the assistance of the tie breaker, do you have any proof of the other activities, other than the word of 2 children with documented ADHD and Autism? If not, you may have to petition the court for a Guardian Ad Litem to be appointed. But don't be assured of that happening based on the little that you have presented here.

Please don't take my comment about the children as questioning the validity of your concerns, as that was not my intention.

Dad moving "across town" won't be considered an issue unless the children are consistently late for school following dad's visitation.

Other than my ex's sister and mother, I have nothing other than my kid's word. I am positive that his mother, even though she is well meaning, is not going to stand up against her son in court. I wish I did. I understand that you did not mean anything by pointing out their ADHD as it is a documented disability and that makes the judge less likely to take their word in court.

I worry about my kids getting "contact high" since she smokes it in the car. She is always saying something negative about me and my kid's step-dad, while it isn't illegal, it makes the kids feel bad. Especially when she comes barreling out of the house trying to fight every time we drop off or pick up the kids. I am almost 30 years old, it is ridiculous for people our age to fight in the street like teenagers so I refuse to engage her. Plus if it came to it, and I put my hands on her in any way I automatically go to jail because I am a registered black belt.

I think the worst part is that I can honestly say that if she wasn't present, I would not hesitate to send my kids to see their father. He was a pretty crappy boyfriend, but I do know that he is a good father because he has 9 kids total (all of the others were after we split up) and he sees them all on a regular basis, just at different intervals. He just doesn't have it in him to stand up to his girlfriend. I think it is because her husband is in prison and she hasn't filed for divorce yet. He has always had a big fear of losing people, so he probably figures if he stands up to her she will go back to her husband.

I do know that all of his other kids moms have a restriction in the custody agreement that she cannot be present during drop offs or pick ups and that she cannot be present during visitation.

Edited to add: After the kids were late the first three times this year, I insisted that he return the kids to me in the morning to ensure that they got their medication before school and that they were on the bus and on time.

 

[Just Blue]

Other than my ex's sister and mother, I have nothing other than my kid's word. I am positive that his mother, even though she is well meaning, is not going to stand up against her son in court. I wish I did. I understand that you did not mean anything by pointing out their ADHD as it is a documented disability and that makes the judge less likely to take their word in court.

I worry about my kids getting "contact high" since she smokes it in the car. She is always saying something negative about me and my kid's step-dad, while it isn't illegal, it makes the kids feel bad. Especially when she comes barreling out of the house trying to fight every time we drop off or pick up the kids. I am almost 30 years old, it is ridiculous for people our age to fight in the street like teenagers so I refuse to engage her. Plus if it came to it, and I put my hands on her in any way I automatically go to jail because I am a registered black belt.

I think the worst part is that I can honestly say that if she wasn't present, I would not hesitate to send my kids to see their father. He was a pretty crappy boyfriend, but I do know that he is a good father because he has 9 kids total (all of the others were after we split up) and he sees them all on a regular basis, just at different intervals. He just doesn't have it in him to stand up to his girlfriend. I think it is because her husband is in prison and she hasn't filed for divorce yet. He has always had a big fear of losing people, so he probably figures if he stands up to her she will go back to her husband.

I do know that all of his other kids moms have a restriction in the custody agreement that she cannot be present during drop offs or pick ups and that she cannot be present during visitation.

Edited to add: After the kids were late the first three times this year, I insisted that he return the kids to me in the morning to ensure that they got their medication before school and that they were on the bus and on time.

Perhaps it is time for a GAL.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

If at some point the kids test positive for THC(you can get a basic home test kit at CVS), you'd have some proof, presuming that you didn't test positive as well.

Sorry, I had more to say, but you lost me at "Plus if it came to it, and I put my hands on her in any way I automatically go to jail because I am a registered black belt. " as no such registry exists in MD, or any surrounding state, nor is there any system or procedure in place in MD to collect such info.

Besides, what's the point in learning a form of self defense that you can never use for fear of prosecution???

 

[Chrln_little]

If at some point the kids test positive for THC(you can get a basic home test kit at CVS), you'd have some proof, presuming that you didn't test positive as well.

Sorry, I had more to say, but you lost me at "Plus if it came to it, and I put my hands on her in any way I automatically go to jail because I am a registered black belt. " as no such registry exists in MD, or any surrounding state, nor is there any system or procedure in place in MD to collect such info.

Besides, what's the point in learning a form of self defense that you can never use for fear of prosecution???

I can use martial arts as a form of protection, but in defensive stance only. Legally, if you are trained in martial arts, the law sees a fine line between self defense and excessive force.

I am registered as a black belt at a competition level which means that I have trained to an extent that I should know restraint and how to avoid an altercation. Learning martial arts, for me, is not as much about physical violence as it is about mental discipline and physical fitness. The discipline you learn in martial arts has a significant impact on a lot of factors in your life. It teaches patience, alertness, organization, and a lot of other skills. Without it, I don't believe I would have the self discipline to run business out of my home. It is so much easier to say "I'll work later" when work is just a few feet away. It is also a good way to fall behind.

The exercise that martial arts provides is also a good way to develop stamina to keep up with four kids, two of them with ADHD, and a great way to tire yourself out to get a good night's sleep. I spend a lot of weekend days on the canal trails with my kids. It is a great way to get out their extra energy since we live in a cramped area of town that doesn't provide much yard space for anyone.

 

[Proserpina]

For what its worth, in the higher ranks of martial arts, you are trained to "know better", and you are expected to have more control than ... average Bob. While going to jail is never automatic, it's not unheard of for the court to hear "black belt" and decide that yes, you're held to a much higher standard than the bloke claiming you assaulted him.

 

[commentator]

This is self justifying rant by someone who is very angry with their ex husband and his new wife. She is trying out stories to see how things might play in court, airing her grievances and talking her trash, because she is, in a word, frustrated. I don't know where this woman studied martial arts, but the registry of black belts is a famous urban legend. All through my days in social services, I have heard people tell these sorts of stories about drug using "other parent families" until I am almost automatically suspicious when one parent or the other begins them. They do not play well in court, because they've heard it all before too.

 

[Proserpina]

This is self justifying rant by someone who is very angry with their ex husband and his new wife. She is trying out stories to see how things might play in court, airing her grievances and talking her trash, because she is, in a word, frustrated. I don't know where this woman studied martial arts, but the registry of black belts is a famous urban legend. All through my days in social services, I have heard people tell these sorts of stories about drug using "other parent families" until I am almost automatically suspicious when one parent or the other begins them. They do not play well in court, because they've heard it all before too.

Seriously. Post hx.

Don't get caught up with her terminology. She knows as well as I do that there isn't any sort of registry, or anything vaguely approaching that ... and she also knows that if she tries to slap down her husband or his latest, they can (and likely will) throw that "training" straight back in her face. Perhaps she knows that because it's happened before. Perhaps it didn't work out well that time, either.

If I didn't know for sure that she's definitely not, I'd be <this> far from thinking she's someone I used to know.

 

[LdiJ]

Seriously. Post hx.

Don't get caught up with her terminology. She knows as well as I do that there isn't any sort of registry, or anything vaguely approaching that ... and she also knows that if she tries to slap down her husband or his latest, they can (and likely will) throw that "training" straight back in her face. Perhaps she knows that because it's happened before. Perhaps it didn't work out well that time, either.

If I didn't know for sure that she's definitely not, I'd be <this> far from thinking she's someone I used to know.

I reviewed her posting history and I don't see where you two are coming from. It seems very consistent to me. I also don't think that she is talking about the same type of registry that you are talking about. I think she is a registered black belt within the sport.

 

[commentator]

The martial arts are gloriously unregulated, inconsistent and what all from style to style. She may be a registered black belt in her own style, but if she whomps up on her ex or ex's next, the prosecutors aren't going to have access to any sort of registry of the deadly arts. They may consider that in the usual "he hit me!" and "No, she hit me!" because of her martial arts experience, she is a bit less likely to be the one who was assaulted, or that she may have been slightly more likely to do the assaulting because it's an area she's confident in. And if she uses excessive force to defend herself, say, they'd probably say she had a bit better idea how much force she was using.

But I agree, the posting history is interesting, and I find the whole post really er, unrealistic. Trying stories on us, perhaps?

 

[single317dad]

Legally, if you are trained in martial arts, the law sees a fine line between self defense and excessive force.

Where I have seen combat training come into play is as an aggravating circumstance (assault with a deadly weapon vs. simple assault), not in determining whether one was defending oneself or not. If I can shoot someone with a gun in self defense, why could I not use my skilled hands to do the same? I think you're making this up.

 

[stealth2]

For what its worth, in the higher ranks of martial arts, you are trained to "know better", and you are expected to have more control than ... average Bob. While going to jail is never automatic, it's not unheard of for the court to hear "black belt" and decide that yes, you're held to a much higher standard than the bloke claiming you assaulted him.

LOL My ex was a black belt when he assaulted me - the cop took his version of events as gospel and told me that if I refused to sign the report or disputed it, I'd be arrested.