Gal and one sided investigations

[Antigone*]

ok, so OP is supposed to call every Wed at 7pm. out of the last month (4 weeks)he has called one time, this past Wed. He talked to our daughter for 4 minutes and then he just hung up with no goodbye, nothing, just dial tone and no call back.
Yesterday the GAL called. he said he had just talked to OP and he was asking for web chats with our daughter (she is 5 now). I told him I have no web cam and have dial up. I may be getting a higher speed connection but still have no web cam and don't even know if my computer (it's a relic) will support a web cam/connection like that.
Well, he wants me to get it set up so OP can web chat and then asked how well Op was calling. I told him. SO..... GAL tells me I am supposed to send OP 2-3 emails per week, reminding him to call when he is supposed to and to carbon copy the GAL so he knows it's being sent.
I told him if OP knows he is getting a carbon copy of being reminded he will more than likely respond and call like he should (but never does) because he knows he is being watched.
The GAL said that would be a good thing for our child. I said well, except for the fact he only does the right thing when he is being watched, what happens when he isn't reminded and he disappears again, who is gonna remind him she exists when she is sent across the country to visit him?
My question is, since I know I am supposed to do everything the GAL says, I am supposed to do the email reminder thing right. Even though I feel it is completely wrong for me to be expected to have to remind OP 2-3 times a week to call.
Second question is since I do not have extra money for a webcam (OP has never paid any of his court ordered child support and is currently in contempt), and I have no idea if my old computer will even run one...can I request OP buy a webcam if he wants the web chats?

Thanks in advance for your insight.

BCC the GAL

 

[mistoffolees]

If the PC is running anything less than XP, then today's webcams more than likely will not work. If the PC is running at least XP, then the cams should work. In fact, I'm going to step out on a limb here and say if you've got at least a 600mhz processor and 256mb RAM then a webcam should work.

Or, OP could pick up an older webcam on eBay. It won't have the resolution of a newer one, but would be just fine. Heck, I used to use a webcam on my Mac IIsi which had a 20 MHz processor and 17 MB of RAM.

 

[waiting_game]

I understand what you are saying....

but I am currently unemployed and going back to school so I can have a job that better provides for my child. I have looked and looked (and am still looking for at least part time to work between school) but since I have had no luck yet, getting into a field that has a growing demand and taking advantage of a pell grant seemed a wise choice. Thinking of the future you know. Anyway, $30 may not be much to you but it's a pair of shoes and at least one outfit for my daughter or a fair amount of groceries.
I don't wanna nit pick but seriously, if he can't even call once a week when he is supposed to why should I have to pay for a web cam?
I dunno, just seems so wrong, but I guess a lot in the world is. Thanks for your input. You are all always great.

 

[not2cleverRed]

You could also try freecycle.

Someone with a fancy new one might have an old one hanging around - they don't exactly sell well at yard sales.

 

[waiting_game]

I thought of that too,Antigone*of*Greece. I told the GAL that if OP saw the CC he would do the right thing since he knew he was being watched. I said what if I BC you, then you can see he does not respond or call and then I don't have to permanently email him multiple times a week for a dog and pony show? He told me it was unethical for me to blind copy him and would not agree to it.

 

[stealth2]

Honestly? This is not a hill to die on.

 

[CJane]

And honestly? Who cares WHY dad is doing the right thing, as long as he is?

 

[LdiJ]

And honestly? Who cares WHY dad is doing the right thing, as long as he is?

Except that the GAL won't be around forever, and therefore if dad really is disinterested it kind of sets up the child for disappointment.

I am not sure that I agree that manipulating a parent into being an involved parent, for what's likely to be only during the pendency of the case, is in the best interest of the child...and that's how this feels to me.

 

[CJane]

Except that the GAL won't be around forever, and therefore if dad really is disinterested it kind of sets up the child for disappointment.

I am not sure that I agree that manipulating a parent into being an involved parent, for what's likely to be only during the pendency of the case, is in the best interest of the child...and that's how this feels to me.

Dad lives on the other end of the country. If he's going to fake involvement via manipulated phone calls, only during the pendency of the case, then yes the child will eventually be disappointed about Dad not calling.

But if he's only going to parent when "someone is watching", then he's unlikely to ever exercise his long distance visitation and so Mom has "nothing to worry about" as far as child going to visit in CA.

A little disappointment now. Less disappointment later.

Also, perhaps the GAL wants to see if Mom is right. If Dad hasn't made an effort at contact yet, despite an order which allows is, and Mom who has made the child available, and suddenly decides to be "involved" after he knows the GAL is aware of things, that tells the GAL something, right?

 

[LdiJ]

Dad lives on the other end of the country. If he's going to fake involvement via manipulated phone calls, only during the pendency of the case, then yes the child will eventually be disappointed about Dad not calling.

But if he's only going to parent when "someone is watching", then he's unlikely to ever exercise his long distance visitation and so Mom has "nothing to worry about" as far as child going to visit in CA.

A little disappointment now. Less disappointment later.

Also, perhaps the GAL wants to see if Mom is right. If Dad hasn't made an effort at contact yet, despite an order which allows is, and Mom who has made the child available, and suddenly decides to be "involved" after he knows the GAL is aware of things, that tells the GAL something, right?

That's a perspective I hadn't thought of...and one that does make sense.

 

[waiting_game]

Thanks for those perspectives. Sorry I have been MIA, my internet wouldn't connect. Gonna have to switch IPS's I suppose.
Yes, I was and am worried about my daughter getting disappointed when OP stops calling after the GAL is no longer watching. As it is I don't tell her "hey, it's Wed, daddy is gonna call", nor does she ever mention it. Far too many time he has said he was going to call and even visit before he moved and no call no show for a week, two-more, then a lame excuse. She is only 5 but she catches on real quick.
It's frustrating when OP can call anytime he wants but doesn't, heck I used to beg him to call her.
I see what you are saying about the GAL maybe wanting to see if OP will only step up when being watched and that also telling him something. I was just thinking that it would cause more harm than good to have my munchkin get regular calls for a month or so then have this man who says he loves her and misses her vanish again.

I want my daughter to grow up with strong self esteem and to understand that actions speak louder than words. I don't want her to ever have the mind set that it's ok for a person to treat you like poop as long as they say they love you .

Thanks again for all your input.

 

[stealth2]

Thanks for those perspectives. Sorry I have been MIA, my internet wouldn't connect. Gonna have to switch IPS's I suppose.
Yes, I was and am worried about my daughter getting disappointed when OP stops calling after the GAL is no longer watching. As it is I don't tell her "hey, it's Wed, daddy is gonna call", nor does she ever mention it. Far too many time he has said he was going to call and even visit before he moved and no call no show for a week, two-more, then a lame excuse. She is only 5 but she catches on real quick.
It's frustrating when OP can call anytime he wants but doesn't, heck I used to beg him to call her.
I see what you are saying about the GAL maybe wanting to see if OP will only step up when being watched and that also telling him something. I was just thinking that it would cause more harm than good to have my munchkin get regular calls for a month or so then have this man who says he loves her and misses her vanish again.

I want my daughter to grow up with strong self esteem and to understand that actions speak louder than words. I don't want her to ever have the mind set that it's ok for a person to treat you like poop as long as they say they love you .

Thanks again for all your input.

On the other hand, you can still bring her up with strong self-esteem. And she can still be disappointed by people in her life. My youngest was the apple of her Daddy's eye. Things went south a few years ago with them. She still has a strong sense of self, she doesn't agree or accept her father's behavior towards her, and he'll be the one to pay the price. It's all in how YOU handle it.

 

[waiting_game]

Joint custody?

sorry, I wanted to ask bout this too.....

Last week when the GAL called, out of the blue he said "you're looking at joint custody".
I was wondering how on earth i'm looking at joint when OP has chosen to have little to no involvement with our child, when he has never paid a cent of his court ordered child support (so he cares lot huh?) and he lives across the country. When he won't even call her. What is the thinking here?

Thanks!!

 

[mistoffolees]

sorry, I wanted to ask bout this too.....

Last week when the GAL called, out of the blue he said "you're looking at joint custody".
I was wondering how on earth i'm looking at joint when OP has chosen to have little to no involvement with our child, when he has never paid a cent of his court ordered child support (so he cares lot huh?) and he lives across the country. When he won't even call her. What is the thinking here?

Thanks!!

What did he say when you asked him?

And are you sure you're understanding the difference between legal custody and physical custody? In many states, joint legal custody is pretty much the norm and it takes a VERY unusual circumstance to get otherwise. Physical custody is different - and depends on what is best for the child. Lots of people have primary physical and joint legal - even when the other parent is not involved.

 

[waiting_game]

The GAL brought up the "joint custody" thing out of the blue. I wanted to talk to my lawyer before I said anything to the GAL. I was shocked at him bringing it up and was really speechless about it.

I don't see joint legal or physical, I mean really? A father who has chosen to remove himself from a childs life. I'd have to consult him about school, church and medical choices when he goes happily for months pretending she doesn't exist. Same OP make important choices in a childs life that he knows nothing about.
Hopefully I can get with my lawyer this week but it just seems crazy to me.

Thanks again