Getting sole custody, and lawyer referral bay area CA

[TSchaefer3]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Her father and I broke up in 2010 when she was 6 months old. He has seen her once in the past year and only a few times each year prior to that, and only if I bring her 3 hours to see him. He has never once traveled here to visit with her. He has a bad drug and alcohol problem and a long criminal record including DUIs, possession of a controlled substance, possession of paraphernalia, driving with a suspended license, corporal injury on a spouse (not myself) contributing to the delinquency of a minor and so forth. He is currently homeless and just released from jail two months ago. Clearly he is not someone I want around my child as I cannot trust him to properly care for her, aside from that he has spent so little time with her during her life that she barely knows him. When he calls and talks to her, he tells her he will call again soon and she will go for 6months + without hearing from him. I can't stand to see her so upset asking/waiting to hear from him or see him and then he doesn't call or come see her. I am now married with three children, am a stay at home mom and we have our own 3 bedroom home. She calls her step father daddy and they have a strong bond. He has been in the picture for two years now. She knows he is not her biological father, and she knows Brandon is her dad but has stopped asking about him for quite some time now. He also owes 3 1/2 years back pay on child support, and has quit jobs and worked under the table in order to avoid paying.

He recently contacted me and asked to come to her birthday party. He has not seen her since April 2014 and her party is May 2015. I feel like allowing him to attend would be detrimental to her in the long run as he will most likely disappear for a good while after and not make contact as that is his MO. I can legally refuse to allow him to come right? Previously he has made no effort so I have felt no rush to file for custody. I spoke with a Lawyer back in November and he advised me to wait until her father was released from jail to have him served. Now that he is pressing the issue I feel I need to do something legally to protect her. Does it sound like an easy case? Can anyone make a recommendation for a good family law lawyer near the San Francisco bay area of California?


Also, my husband pays monthly for a legal service through work. They will represent him in a step parent adoption but we are unsure if they would represent me in a custody case (we are trying to figure this out) Would it be better to go straight to a stepparent adoption and termination of rights based on his history of minimal contact and failure to pay child support? Or should we file for custody first and then if successful proceed at a later date with an adoption?

Edit to add: Her father signed a declaration of paternity when she was born

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California

I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Her father and I broke up in 2010 when she was 6 months old. He has seen her once in the past year and only a few times each year prior to that, and only if I bring her 3 hours to see him. He has never once traveled here to visit with her. He has a bad drug and alcohol problem and a long criminal record including DUIs, possession of a controlled substance, possession of paraphernalia, driving with a suspended license, corporal injury on a spouse (not myself) contributing to the delinquency of a minor and so forth. He is currently homeless and just released from jail two months ago. Clearly he is not someone I want around my child as I cannot trust him to properly care for her, aside from that he has spent so little time with her during her life that she barely knows him. When he calls and talks to her, he tells her he will call again soon and she will go for 6months + without hearing from him. I can't stand to see her so upset asking/waiting to hear from him or see him and then he doesn't call or come see her. I am now married with three children, am a stay at home mom and we have our own 3 bedroom home. She calls her step father daddy and they have a strong bond. He has been in the picture for two years now. She knows he is not her biological father, and she knows Brandon is her dad but has stopped asking about him for quite some time now. He also owes 3 1/2 years back pay on child support, and has quit jobs and worked under the table in order to avoid paying.

He recently contacted me and asked to come to her birthday party. He has not seen her since April 2014 and her party is May 2015. I feel like allowing him to attend would be detrimental to her in the long run as he will most likely disappear for a good while after and not make contact as that is his MO. I can legally refuse to allow him to come right? Previously he has made no effort so I have felt no rush to file for custody. I spoke with a Lawyer back in November and he advised me to wait until her father was released from jail to have him served. Now that he is pressing the issue I feel I need to do something legally to protect her. Does it sound like an easy case? Can anyone make a recommendation for a good family law lawyer near the San Francisco bay area of California?


Also, my husband pays monthly for a legal service through work. They will represent him in a step parent adoption but we are unsure if they would represent me in a custody case (we are trying to figure this out) Would it be better to go straight to a stepparent adoption and termination of rights based on his history of minimal contact and failure to pay child support? Or should we file for custody first and then if successful proceed at a later date with an adoption?

Edit to add: Her father signed a declaration of paternity when she was born

If Dad wants to be part of his daughter's life - even sporadically - he has an excellent chance of being allowed to do so and that would generally nix the stepparent adoption idea right there and then.

Yes, you can legally refuse him access. But in these circumstances, do so at your own risk; if he's making an effort and you're blocking him, it could come back and haunt you... even though there's no parenting plan in place.

So go through the phone book. Talk to a local attorney. We're not a referral site.

 

[Silverplum]

You've blown it on the "Brandon/Daddy" issue. Daddy is Daddy. You are Mommy. Humphrey is Stepdad.

We already know all of the excuses. The facts are the facts. You've made it so that Daddy is replaced with Humphrey, and is minimized by being called by his first name. Do you call your mom by her first name? Your dad? No? Well, then.

 

[LdiJ]

You've blown it on the "Brandon/Daddy" issue. Daddy is Daddy. You are Mommy. Humphrey is Stepdad.

We already know all of the excuses. The facts are the facts. You've made it so that Daddy is replaced with Humphrey, and is minimized by being called by his first name. Do you call your mom by her first name? Your dad? No? Well, then.

I really don't have a problem with a child calling a stepparent mommy or daddy IF (and its a big if) there is no actual parent actively involved in the child's life...but I agree on the calling dad by his first name bit. The child could have called both of them daddy. Of course if mommy or daddy is actively involved in the child's life then I have a serious problem with it.

However, I will tell you that I have a little more empathy on the subject than I used to have. I have a whole passel of children calling me grandma when only two of them are actually my grandchildren, but to them, that's what their siblings call me so that is what they call me. On top of that, when the whole passel of children are around its confusing. For example, if the whole bunch are asking my when is it going to be time to eat, I stumble around with the whole "when mommy/when mommy's name and when daddy/when daddy's name, get home". Its a bit awkward. The other day I was stumbling around and just ended up saying, "when the rest of the adults get home"...LOL.

 

[TSchaefer3]

I'm sorry I was misunderstood. I'm saying that she knows Brandon is her dad (as in she knows who her dad is) I never said she calls him that, although whatever she chooses to call him is her choice. Whatever she decides to call him is her own decision. My step daughter calls me mommy, and her biological mother her "Ashlee mom" that was her choice and what she came up with on her own. Yes he should have a relationship I totally agree, but only when it is at best interest to the child. You all want to put a noose around my neck and act like I'm trying to shove him out of the picture and have my husband play daddy. That is not where I was going with this. It has been his choice to practically ignore her for the 5 years since her birth, and it was her decision to call my husband Daddy.

Brandon has done nothing at all for our daughter, he's over $6,000 behind in child support ($200 a month) he doesn't spend any time with her, or even pick up a phone and call her for a year. Why would you all paint me as a bad guy for wanting what is best for my child? He's a meth addict and an alcoholic who drops in and out of her life at his convenience. Would any of you want him around your child?

 

[stealth2]

You would be wise to change your user name to something less identifying.

 

[Silverplum]

This is not a referral, but it's a good list to check: http://www.cadivorce.com/california-divorce-guide/child-custody-and-visitation/32-tips-for-your-child-custody-case-in-california/

And golly-gee, here's one of those tips from a family law attorney in your state: "Discourage your child from calling persons other than the other parent "mom" or "dad." You do not want to do anything that appears like you are trying to take the child away from the other parent or to replace him or her in any way."

But hey, you feel free to let your kid do whatever. It's all groovy.

 

[LdiJ]

I'm sorry I was misunderstood. I'm saying that she knows Brandon is her dad (as in she knows who her dad is) I never said she calls him that, although whatever she chooses to call him is her choice. Whatever she decides to call him is her own decision. My step daughter calls me mommy, and her biological mother her "Ashlee mom" that was her choice and what she came up with on her own. Yes he should have a relationship I totally agree, but only when it is at best interest to the child. You all want to put a noose around my neck and act like I'm trying to shove him out of the picture and have my husband play daddy. That is not where I was going with this. It has been his choice to practically ignore her for the 5 years since her birth, and it was her decision to call my husband Daddy.

Brandon has done nothing at all for our daughter, he's over $6,000 behind in child support ($200 a month) he doesn't spend any time with her, or even pick up a phone and call her for a year. Why would you all paint me as a bad guy for wanting what is best for my child? He's a meth addict and an alcoholic who drops in and out of her life at his convenience. Would any of you want him around your child?

Ok, I can just about guarantee that none of us here would "want" him around our child if he is a meth addict and an alcoholic. We would be lying if we said otherwise.
I can also pretty much guarantee that none of us would want to expose our child to further hurt or emotional confusion.

However, the legal reality of things is that your child has a right to some contact with her father, even if he is a very poor one, and the right to formulate her own opinions of him as time goes by, and the right, once she becomes a legal adult (and sometimes, in rare circumstances, as a teenager, depending upon the circumstances) to choose whether or not he is a part of her life.

Dad also has the legal right, unless he is proven to be so dangerous to the child that its not workable, or unless he has been proven under legal standards to have abandoned the child, to have some contact with the child, even if its sporadic.

Had I been in your shoes I would have said, sure, come to the birthday party...knowing that the odds were that he would never actually show. However I would not say a word to the child about it, so that she didn't face any disappointment when he didn't show. The reality of things is that for some children, if daddy just simply shows up once in a great while, is better than daddy never showing up at all. On top of that, for some children, once they become adults, its better not to find out that daddy wanted to show up once in a while, but mommy stopped it from happening.

I actually think that you have handled things pretty well considering that your child knows who her actual father is, and knows that your husband is another daddy...but you are going to have to continue to deal with that in an age appropriate way to avoid confusing her.

 

[txmom512]

Ok, I can just about guarantee that none of us here would "want" him around our child if he is a meth addict and an alcoholic. We would be lying if we said otherwise.
I can also pretty much guarantee that none of us would want to expose our child to further hurt or emotional confusion.

However, the legal reality of things is that your child has a right to some contact with her father, even if he is a very poor one, and the right to formulate her own opinions of him as time goes by, and the right, once she becomes a legal adult (and sometimes, in rare circumstances, as a teenager, depending upon the circumstances) to choose whether or not he is a part of her life.

Dad also has the legal right, unless he is proven to be so dangerous to the child that its not workable, or unless he has been proven under legal standards to have abandoned the child, to have some contact with the child, even if its sporadic.

Had I been in your shoes I would have said, sure, come to the birthday party...knowing that the odds were that he would never actually show. However I would not say a word to the child about it, so that she didn't face any disappointment when he didn't show. The reality of things is that for some children, if daddy just simply shows up once in a great while, is better than daddy never showing up at all. On top of that, for some children, once they become adults, its better not to find out that daddy wanted to show up once in a while, but mommy stopped it from happening.

I actually think that you have handled things pretty well considering that your child knows who her actual father is, and knows that your husband is another daddy...but you are going to have to continue to deal with that in an age appropriate way to avoid confusing her.

I would agree with all this except for actually inviting him to the party. 1) he's a drug addict. Having had a bit of experience, I can tell you inviting a drug addict to a birthday party is inviting disaster. Why potentially ruin your child's party? 2) It's the child's party - she's going to be playing with her friends and enjoying her party. The last thing she is going to want to do is spend time with a strange grown man (and daddy or not, realistically, that is what he is). He's not going to be able to spend time with her or talk to her. She's going to be busy. (I've had first hand experience with this one too - my dd met her 'dad' for the first time when she was 7, for the 2nd at her 8th birthday - it happened just like that, she was busy, it was awkward, etc. He hasn't seen her since - she's 19 now)

Personally, I would invite him to visit either after the party or on a different day. That way the party goes as planned, and dad can actually visit and spend one on one time with his kid if he wants to.

 

[stealth2]

It's a tricky situation to navigate. I am *generally* against allowing a child to call a non-parent Mom/my or Dad/dy, but I ca see cases where it's more confusing to the kids to not allow it. Perhaps a better alternative is to come up with alternate names which mean the same. Think outside the box a bit?

 

[Proserpina]

And how do we know that Brandon is still using? Mom is saying he's only been in contact a few times. The crystal ball has been found?

It IS possible to get clean and sober, you know.

 

[Zigner]

It has been his choice to practically ignore her for the 5 years since her birth, and it was her decision to call my husband Daddy.

Does your daughter call EVERY man that she sees "daddy"? No, of course not. Why? Because you have taught her who people are.

Brandon has done nothing at all for our daughter, he's over $6,000 behind in child support ($200 a month) he doesn't spend any time with her, or even pick up a phone and call her for a year. Why would you all paint me as a bad guy for wanting what is best for my child? He's a meth addict and an alcoholic who drops in and out of her life at his convenience. Would any of you want him around your child?

Sounds a lot like my ex, except the time she spent ignoring the kids was more like a decade and a half (heck, even more if you count the time after they turned 18.) And my ex is behind in child support over 20 times what yours is. Yes, I would have preferred that she be involved in their life. It would have made their upbringing much different and, likely, more challenging, but I think it would have been best for the kids in the long run.

 

[Astrolink]

The OP mentioned the child's father lives 3 hours away? How did that distance come about?

 

[Proserpina]

The OP mentioned the child's father lives 3 hours away? How did that distance come about?

At this point, it really doesn't matter much. There is no custody agreement, no prior order, nothing. Had there been an order that one of the parents wasn't playing nicely with, it might be different. But now? Not so much.

 

[stealth2]

Similar to Zig's, my ex has had no contact our daughter in years - since she was 15ish. She just turned 21. I consider myself very lucky that she doesn't have "Daddy" issues, but it still saddens me. Her young man came to me recently to talk about their future - and as happy as I am about it all (I love him to bits), I am saddened for both my daughter and my ex. She will not have her Dad at that important moment, and he will not know what he's missed.

Ah well.... probably bugs me more than her. Or him. LOL