see, this is what I'm talking about, father's (and mother's!) who want to be active, participating parent's in their child's lives and are doing what they can to do so just for them to be penalized and made to look like the bad guy. I'm really beginning to think that "victim rights" no longer exists, considering the ones who are truely being difficult and not being a part of their child's lives, refusing to pay support, etc (like my ex!) are given WAY TO MANY rights then they obivously deserve to have! A parent who jumps in and out of a child's life, never showing up for visitations, being a parent of convience whenever THEIR life allows it instead of when the child NEEDS them, shouldn't have any rights!!! Why? because that parent has already been given the chance to exercise their rights, the court has allowed them the time they "say" they want to spend with their child, but then they don't exercise that right, so why should they have any say in anything, considering they couldn't be responsible enough to handle the little the court gave them to begin with! My ex and I had to go to a "parenting class" here in VA to learn how to deal with divorce and kids, and one thing the instructor in the class I went to stressed was going above and beyond for your children, if your ordered to pay say $300 a month in child support, but you know that in order to properly care for the child (child support is supposed to help take care of things like rent, food, medical expenses, personal needs for the child, basically anything that the child will benefit from, that can even include new tires and a tuneup for the car if the child rides in that car! this all came from an attorney!), and you make enough money to be able to give more, you should willingly give more money to care for the child every month, after all, it's for the benefit of the child. Obviuosly, my ex must have fallen asleep during that part of the class! Another part of the class I think he fell asleep for was when they talked about visiting with the child, he never shows up to get her, although he asked for the time, and yet I'm told I'M being uncooperative!!! Give me a break!! Who made these laws?? Obviously people who, just like all the other ridiculous laws out there, have never been through these issues, people who have never had to live through these nightmares! And in the end, the victims are the ones who pay the price!
dad2005, I applaud you in doing what you can for your daughter, you sound as if your at your wits ends and although you truely love your daughter and want whats best for her, I don't think leaving her life would be best! Is there any police records stating all of the incidents you have mentioned? Also, I would STRONGLY advise you to tell your wife to try and keep out of any dissagreements between you and your ex, after all, it could only backfire on you, and, it's fueling your ex, something it sounds like she's thriving on (what woman doesn't enjoy getting under the skin of the new woman in a man's life, knowing it will cause stress for all concerned, I'm a woman, and as tempting as it is to want to go confront my husband's girlfriend, i have to remember she's no body to my daughter at this point!). I know your wife may have feelings for you and your daughter, and only wants whats best, but she needs to remember that confrontations are to be dealt with by you and your ex, the court will tell you, they really don't concern her! Make it clear to your ex that any issues concerning your daughter are to be dealt with between the two of you, no one else, by standing your ground, and you and your wife agreeing to just you handling these issues, that should cut out some of your stress and slowly start turning the table of control in your favor, after all, if your ex isn't being fueled or encouraged in ANY WAY by your wife, that takes a big part of her control away from her!
Second, contact legal aide, they may not be able to help you with an attorney, but may be able to give you some advice, as well as take advantage of any family law attorneys who offer a free consultation. Has paternity ever been established, are there any court documents? Honestly, the only thing I have found attornies useful for is making sure all the correct paperwork is filed with the courts, most of the time, if you can keep your cool in court, know your laws, etc, you can handle the case in court yourself without an attorney. Your courthouse should also be able to offer some assistance. Remember, the people you deal with at the courthouse, attornies, etc, they aren't going through what your going through, it has no personal significance to them, and their not the ones going through it all! You know the situtation better then anyone else, and to me, by signing over your parental rights, you have again given her the control she wants and she wins, something someone like her thrives on! And, just because you sign over parental rights, doesn't mean that that will be the last you ever hear from her!
Who's more important here, your daughter, or your ex? Your daughter, who is obviously being lied to, will grow up, if you sign over your parental rights, thinking that she never really mattered to you, and that she wasn't worth the fight! That won't score you too many brownie points later in life when say, she goes to get married and you want to walk her down the aisle! Right now, she's a sponge, really not able to reason and think for herself and easily influenced. But as she matures, with your guidance, the lies, etc that have been told to her will show themselves, the key thing here is this....Action speaks louder then words, if you say you love someone, they really don't ever feel you love them unless you SHOW them. She showed up with a crazy shirt on, laugh at it, it's just a shirt, and a tactic for your ex to try and get at you, but don't let it show it bothered you, especially not to your daughter, again, your daughter is the innocent victim in all of this, and it's your parental duty to show her more positive ways in life, she may not see that or understand that right now, but trust me (I have a 14 year old), they will understand later in life! Praise God you lived through your car accident, after all, it means God is not done with you here on earth, and you have a purpose for being here! Share your experience with your daughter if you haven't already, tell her how you feel God saved you from that just so you could continue to be her daddy, and how happy and proud that makes you feel! The key here is to keep an open line of communication with your daughter open, if you constantly show her and remind her of how you feel, what's important to you etc, your ex can't take that away! And at some point, your daughter will see her mother and the lies she has said, and will probably rely on you to help you deal with that! Keep whatever is going on between you and your ex from your daughter if it theres nothing positive to say, but let's say your ex lets her come visit you, tell you daughter that you really appreciate her mother allowing you two to spend some time together, and thank the mother in front of the child for allowing it, again, you've taken the fuel away from your ex, and your daughter is seeing you as the parent who has her personal needs in mind. In the meantime, use the internet, free consulations, etc, you should be able to file papers with the court to establish a set ground for visitation, etc. If your ex tries to confront you in front of your daughter, tell her you will discuse it later in private away from the child and then ignore her and walk away, save it for a phone conversation, where the two of you aren't face to face, and you have the freedom to hang up if it's going nowhere. Most courts should have a waiver you can sign based on your income that may wave whatever fees are associated to file your papers, depending on your situation, take advantage and ask about whatever the court has to offer. Also, keep a journal of all of your visits with your daughter, dates, times, for how long, and what you did together during that visit. Then have a separate journal and in that journal, right down dates, times, and whatever was discussed with your ex, etc. When you go to court, this will look good to the judge because you have documented everything, you have dates and times at your fingertips, etc. (and again, your ex has lost some control because you've just put the ball in your court!) and, depending on the state laws where you live, your daughter could be called into to court (sometimes the judge will do this in private with the child if the judge feels there's significance in doing so) to testify as to the lies, actions, etc of both of you. Dont' say or do anything to your ex that can bite you back later!! It's called maturity, you and your wife need to use that to your fullest extent! In court, keep your cool, don't let things her or her attorney upset you, no outbursts of anger, etc, it will make you look unstable! And, if she's the hothead you state she is, sounds like she will be the one that will show her true colors in court! I know, it all sounds overwhelming, and it will be a lot of work, but think about it, is your daughter worth it? She's the one that matters here, not you, not your wife, nor your ex! Is it worth fighting for her now, or waiting until 10 years down the road and trying to explain to her 10 years of lost time and then trying to make up for it? Its your decision, only you know if your up to the challenge, no one else can answer that for you, and your wife will need to be supportive for you, not a hinderence, in this matter, is she capable of doing that? I would think long and hard before signing over my parental rights if I were you! It could fix a short term problem, but later, could cause long term problems with you and your daughter, and that's not fair to her!
