Help with Guardian ad litems involved in with-holding custody/visitation cases

[tater_tot]

What is the name of your state? Virginia
Ok my ex-wife has physical custody of our 2 children (12 and 10 years old) during the school year, and I have summer custody. I get 3 weekends a month visitation during her custody, plus a 2 week block, and 1/2 of breaks from school, every other year for holidays, and my birthday, father's day, and Christmas Eve every year with my kids, and I have fought for all of this in court to obtain it. Now we've had our problems in the past, but overall no one has ever done anything extreme, all of it has been kind of minor stuff up until March. In March my ex-wife started with-holding custody/visitation from me of both of my kids, and she said me and my current wife had mentally abused both my kids and physically abused my 10 year old. This was all said because my 12 year old got in trouble at my house because for instance when I took her to the movies, she snuck out with her boyfriend and was over at our local park doing god knows what at 11:00 at night, so when I found out I got on to her and told her if she couldn't tell me the truth about where she was going then she wouldn't go anywhere, then my 10 year old got in my wife's face and screamed and hollered at her so she popped my 10 year old in the mouth (no blood, no bruises, no marks of any kind). By the way in the state of Virginia physical disciplne is allowed. Then my kids were also unhappy because they were going to be grounded for the D's they made on their report cards. Now 2 more weeks passed and the last weekend my ex sent the kids was hers by court order, but had asked me to switch with her, because of her work schedule, then when my kids went home on that Monday they were suppose to come back on Tuesday because it was my birthday, and they never did. Also my ex had already went to Child Protective Services over eveything, and my wife and I had to meet with her that morning on my birthday. So when the kids didn't get off the bus I called my ex to ask where they were and she said she had already filed her papers in court and that I should be getting them anyday and that she wasn't sending the kids until court and hung up on me. So, for a month and a half I didn't have contact of any kind with my children (she had her phone disconnected) except I sent my kids an Easter card in the mail and I filed my show causes every time I missed a visitation. We went to court on April 28th and my 10 year old testified that she didn't ever want to come back to my house, and my 12 year old said she wanted to come and go as she pleased, and the courts disagreed, found my-ex quilty on all of the show causes and took her weekends away until she made up the time I lost, and ordered her to start following the visitation/custody order that was in effect prior to all of this. Now the first visitation period was to be 2 days after court, and the 10 year old showed up and the 12 year old didn't. When I talked to my ex she said my 12 year old didn't want to come, but would in her own time, and I talked to my 12 year old and she said she just didn't want to come back here, and I asked her why and all she would say is she didn't know. So the next visitation period the 10 year old came and the 12 year old didn't again. This time my ex just said she was with her, and there was nothing that my-ex could do, and what did I want for herto do? To bring my 12 year old kicking and screaming and that if she did that my 12 year old would run away if my-ex made her come, and then my 12 year old told my that she never wanted to see me again, and I told her that I still loved her, and that I was sorry she felt that way, but what had I done that made her not want to come back, and she said I hadn't done anything, and she loved me too. Now this week I find out my ex asked the courts to appoint a guardian ad litem for my 12 year old, and one of her reasons is that she's complying with the court order, and that she offered to let me come get my 12 year old but I refused to come get my daughter. Does anyone know if this guardian ad litem will give me a chance to tell my side, and also how can anyone believe my ex has nothing to do with this when up until March when she started with-holding custody in the first place my 12 year old has even told my lawyer herself that she wanted things left the way they were, which included being with me. Also, I have a recorded message from my answering machine where my ex left a message saying guessed I had figured out by now that my 12 year old was with her, and that my 12 year old didn't want to come so to call my-ex. Someone please give advice on experiences with guardian ad litems, and any similar situations. Thanks.

 

[dixygrl04]

I have really dealt with similar situations, with my son. It always hurts my feelings so bad the many, many times over the years that my son did not want to go his wkend to his dad's for whatever reasons-beginning with missing out on a family function or just not wanting to be away from home, I guess,and his dad just insisted he went or took it personal, or just plain lied about it. when he wants to be a dad and see my son, etc, then that's how it is supposed to be, yet he half ass pays child support, never goes out of his way to be a dad, just tries to do what a few pieces of paper says he can. While, sometimes he denies my kid vacation trips or camp or whatever, instead of rescheduling his summer visits, to me it's all about my ex, not our son. This really isn't legal advice, it's just parent to parent, chill out on all the legalities of it all and look at your kids' feelings. They will love you and respect you more if you at least seem like you care about their feelings. When my stepdaughter doesn't want to come for whatever reason, we don't take it personal, we know when she's ready she will come down. She knows she's welcome here anytime, and so does her mom and grandma or she lives with. I have seen my son in the middle of all the b.s. and now his dad is in iraq, working, and he has not seen or heard from him since january, I mean, he tried to force me to make my son go to his wife's every other wkend for visitation, with him out of the country, I refused, she's the #1 troublemaker in our case, anyway, and I have seen a big difference in my son. I know that those wkends he went there, is was all very stressful on him, they would question him, say things tohim, about me or whatever. It makes me feel helpless to know that my son has to go there, according to the law(Not now that his dad is out of the country). It's really not fair. I don't know what kind of parent you are or aren't, but just think about your kids' feelings OK, grownups get all carried away sometimes.

 

[tater_tot]

Ok, first let me say that I have paid my child support faithfully for the last 6 years, and I have always exercised my visitation, and on 2 different occasions I have agreed to overpay my ex-wife child support just so she would give up time with the kids. I spent 2 summers of having my kids the entire time, and paying my ex all the while just so she would let my kids be with me instead of home alone or bouncing from baby-sitter to baby-sitter, because that's not what my kids wanted. Now throughout the last 6 years my ex has never asked my children what they want (as far as figuring out a plan for our situation), and I always have and it's always been the same answer from my children,up until after March, the 12 year old said she wanted our set schedule left the way it is now, and my 10 year old said she wanted to live with me all the time then my ex starts making all of these false accusations and with-holding custody of my children and then everything changes. So no, I don't believe for 1 minute that this is what my daughter truly wants, because for one when I ask my daughter why she doesn't want to see me anymore, her answer is always she don't know. Also, that is not what my daughter said she wanted in court, so how is that how she feels 2 days later? I'm not looking at the possibility of my daughter coming at some point I'm looking at never seeing my daughter again. I mean would you not fight for your child even though your child may say this or that is what they want, but they have never in their whole life gave you or anyone else any inclination that they never wanted to see you again? I mean if your advice is to just sit back and let my daughter walk out of my life forever so she can run hog wild and because she's been talked into some things then I'm sorry I won't do that, because I am not one of these parents who doesn't want to pay child support, I am not one of these parents who thinks I have no other obligations to my child other than financial obligations, I have not been in and out of trouble with the law, and I have always put my childrens needs and wants before my own, but people don't just completely change overnight. Besides am I also suppose to let my daughter think she can just do what she wants no matter what the law says? I have fought very hard to try to give my kids the life they deserve, and to open doors of opportunity for them, and to do things sometimes either I didn't want to or things that basically screwed me over (things with letting their mother have this or that or changing things or giving extra things), just so I could do what my kids wanted or to make them happy, so don't make it sound like I've never sacrificed for my children or that I don't care about my childrens feelings.

 

[ellencee]

Spud,
If the buzzing in my head ever stops, I'll try and sort through your one paragraph epistle again.

Just in case this is the way you plan on communicating with the GAL, you're gonna lose.

EC

 

[tater_tot]

Thanks for your ever so intelligent remark.

 

[ellencee]

tater_tot
You're welcome.

The guardian ad litem will be there to represent the interest of the child and to advocate for what is in the child's best interest.

I feel reasonably sure that no attorney has answered you because of the length of your presentation and the style of your presentation--no paragraphs.

Most of what I read and comprehended in your post is of little relevance to the current situation and the request for or appointing of a guardian ad litem.

From what I read and comprehended, I believe it is in the best interest of both children to be represented by a guardian ad litem.

My advice on how to get along with a guardian ad litem is to focus on the child(ren)'s needs and not on yourself or your ex-wife--be brief and focused.

EC

 

[stealth2]

Well, for starters, both you and Mom really need to leave the kids out of the middle. You've been asking them for 6 years - since they were 4 & 6 - how they want things, etc. Did it occur to either of you that children will normally say what they think you want to hear?? So they'll tell you they want to see you, and they'll tell Mom they don't.

The GAL will likely speak with all of you, and use those conversations as well as observation of the children as a basis for forming an opinion to present to the court. As ellencee told you, if you ramble on about insignificant things - you're going to irritate the GAL very quickly. Not a bright thing to do.

While physical discipline may be legal in your state, it is generally a TERRIBLE idea for a stepparent to be the one to physically punish a child. If it's going to be done, it had best be the parent who does it.

 

[kat1963]

Yes the guardian will probably have an office visit and a home visit with you. Personally I would put in a motion to change custody & support due to your ex interfering with visitation and extreme parental alienation (syndrome). You on the other hand would support and encourage a relationship with the other parent. You WILL want to read up on PAS. Once you have, I’m sure you will agree that you have fight back hard right now or risk losing your children forever. The GAL could very well recommend a custody transfer to the judge but he/she might not rule on it unless there is a motion filed. Let’s face it, you are going to have to pay for the GAL’s time anyway and this could very well be the wakeup call your ex needs. Unlike some states, Virginia GAL’s are attorneys (who are experienced in family law). The judge in your case actually finding the mother in contempt is a good sign. If you file another show cause motion (can be done along with custody change), request $$ sanctions and jail time.
Please go here for additional information on how to handle your interview with the GAL, articles on how to win custody and PAS. I highly recommend you read everything, not to sound harsh but there are several things you are currently doing that are on the DO NOT DO LIST.
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.htm
VA is also a one party state. When you go to pick up your children, tape it. No more Mr. Nice Guy. You don’t ASK your daughter if she wants to see you, you follow the court order (to the best of your ability without causing a scene). You wouldn’t ask your daughter if she wanted to smoke or have sex, you don’t ask her if she wants you to PARENT either. These aren’t choices for a 12 year old.
Good Luck!
KAT