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Thread: Help protecting my children from their abusive father is custody case.

  1. #16
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Fair enough/
  2. #17
    I'mTheFather is offline Senior Member
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    Well, to take this thread in an entirely new direction, google OP's name. I don't think she's been completely upfront.

    The reason I googled is that I was so amazed that a woman who only escaped such abuse 1 month ago was able to articulate her situation in such an objective way.
  3. #18
    Eekamouse is offline Senior Member
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    I've been in an abusive relationship before so I do understand the fear and even more so, the denial and desire to minimalize the abuse. However, when he stopped only abusing OP and began including the children in his abusive acts, I'm just surprised the mama bear instinct didn't kick in the way it's supposed to.
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  4. #19
    Amael Lindar is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by I'mTheFather View Post
    Well, to take this thread in an entirely new direction, google OP's name. I don't think she's been completely upfront.

    The reason I googled is that I was so amazed that a woman who only escaped such abuse 1 month ago was able to articulate her situation in such an objective way.
    I am using this name my friend set up this account that you very much. I don't think you need to drudge up something that has nothing to do with me or my family in this case because I am using this account to post a question ANONYMOUSLY. Did you ever think that I do not want to be known, and I will, as a mother protecting my young, go to lengths to keep myself and my family safe? What is that to you? The questions I am asking are valid.
  5. #20
    Eekamouse is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by I'mTheFather View Post
    Well, to take this thread in an entirely new direction, google OP's name. I don't think she's been completely upfront.

    The reason I googled is that I was so amazed that a woman who only escaped such abuse 1 month ago was able to articulate her situation in such an objective way.
    Hmmmmmm....interesting reading.
  6. #21
    Amael Lindar is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eekamouse View Post
    I've been in an abusive relationship before so I do understand the fear and even more so, the denial and desire to minimalize the abuse. However, when he stopped only abusing OP and began including the children in his abusive acts, I'm just surprised the mama bear instinct didn't kick in the way it's supposed to.
    Everyday I ask myself why, and I am seeking help to try and understand everything. I grew up in an abusive home, my mother was never around, she would fly all over Europe and I hardly ever saw her. I'd rather not delve too deeply into MY childhood, but I grew up thinking that this was how it was supposed to be in a way, my friends were HIS friends, I placed people around me who enabled bad behavior, the only thing I can compare to that is addiction. Like I said in the past year, year and a half I have met OTHER people, different people, people who understand UNCONDITIONAL love, something I rarely saw or felt myself for a looong time except from my kids. My mama bear was a shell, until my now roommate and HER family meteorically gave me a slap in the face. I was so lost in all of this. And I am ashamed.
  7. #22
    I'mTheFather is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amael Lindar View Post
    I am using this name my friend set up this account that you very much. I don't think you need to drudge up something that has nothing to do with me or my family in this case because I am using this account to post a question ANONYMOUSLY. Did you ever think that I do not want to be known, and I will, as a mother protecting my young, go to lengths to keep myself and my family safe? What is that to you? The questions I am asking are valid.
    Ah, I see. Did it ever occur to you or your friend that using your or her real name would make it easy for your husband to find you online? Sorry, I just don't believe you. Most people who want to remain anonymous online use a name like 'username' or 'scaredmom' or 'I'mTheFather'.
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  8. #23
    Amael Lindar is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by I'mTheFather View Post
    Ah, I see. Did it ever occur to you or your friend that using your or her real name would make it easy for your husband to find you online? Sorry, I just don't believe you. Most people who want to remain anonymous online use a name like 'username' or 'scaredmom' or 'I'mTheFather'.
    No I did not, I don't think either of us knew that old account still existed, she registered to this site this morning as she was helping me to build my case for the custody hearing. I frankly don't care what you think, I was just trying to get some helpful advice and didn't think to make a new account, that would seem silly since we were both using the same computer. The fact that you are trying to make this into something personal scares me quite honestly. I'm not sure what you are trying to do here as it has nothing to do with the advice I am seeking.

    Oh and... that isn't anyone's name "Did it ever occur to you or your friend that using your or her real name would make it easy for your husband to find you online? " that is an old user name... not a real name... nobody is that stupid.
  9. #24
    Eekamouse is offline Senior Member
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    Can we assume you're real name is Kathryn then? Or your friend's real name is?
  10. #25
    Amael Lindar is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eekamouse View Post
    Can we assume you're real name is Kathryn then? Or your friend's real name is?
    My gfs name is Kathryn yes, I'd rather not get her involved in all this if you please.
  11. #26
    st-kitts is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by stealth2 View Post
    Until and unless you have been in an abusive relationship, it is very difficult to understand. It all creeps up on you, breaks you down. Until you don't know up from down, day from night, black from white...
    I understand the harshness towards some posters, but I do think we could try to be a bit more gentle/understanding with abuse victims.
    I could not agree more. I didn't behave rationally in my abusive marriage at all, in retrospect, but at the time I was terrified and behaved in the way I thought protected the kids and me best. That meant standing by my man for a long time, long after logic would have stated otherwise.

    When I first found this forum I took everything said here very much to heart. Two years later, I have come to know and enjoy the various personalities of the seniors. When I first joined and posted though, I had no such radar and sharp words cut deep.

    I truly appreciate those posts where sensitivity is displayed toward people that state they are being abused or were abused. An abuse victim is already destroyed emotionally and it doesn't take much to take them lower.

    With that said, I am not so na´ve as to believe that everyone that claims abuse is abused. I realize that some posters omit facts, pose as other people, and sling false accusations. I suspect however, that many people claiming to be abused, were in fact abused, even when they have no proof. Just because I can't prove I took a bath yesterday, or read a book, or fed my cat, or cleaned my kitchen doesn't mean those things didn't happen. Such is the case for much abuse. With someone is already emotionally devastated a bit of kindness in the delivery of the message, even when that message may contain bad news, can really make a difference.

    Hugs to Stealth2.

    -kitts
    Last edited by st-kitts; 05-20-2012 at 12:55 PM.
  12. #27
    I'mTheFather is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amael Lindar View Post
    No I did not, I don't think either of us knew that old account still existed, she registered to this site this morning as she was helping me to build my case for the custody hearing. I frankly don't care what you think, I was just trying to get some helpful advice and didn't think to make a new account, that would seem silly since we were both using the same computer. The fact that you are trying to make this into something personal scares me quite honestly. I'm not sure what you are trying to do here as it has nothing to do with the advice I am seeking.

    Oh and... that isn't anyone's name "Did it ever occur to you or your friend that using your or her real name would make it easy for your husband to find you online? " that is an old user name... not a real name... nobody is that stupid.
    You made a lot more sense when you were describing your history of abuse.

    Good for you! You should not care what I think. I didn't post for your benefit.

    I'm not sure how you think I'm making this into something personal, but, yeah, I'm frightening. Ask anyone.

    And, yes, some are that stupid.

    But, carry on.
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  13. #28
    I'mTheFather is offline Senior Member
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    With regard to one's posting style, there are some whose posts reflect an opposing attorney's demeanor, some whose posts reflect a therapist's demeanor, and some whose posts lie somewhere in the middle. Many of us flip-flop among the three.

    Not too long ago, the confrontational style was all the rage on FA, and those who challenged it were criticized and belittled. I'm sure I took part in that action.

    Very recently, it seems that we've grown past the mob mentality and can debate opinions and such more civilly. That makes me smile.

    Now, posters can get the benefit of an opposing attorney's inquisition along with empathetic advice of others. There's room for both, IMO.
    Rushia, Blue Meanie and Eekamouse like this.
  14. #29
    Ladyback1 is offline Senior Member
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    I totally understand where OG was coming from with her questions....And I do know that, assuming the OP is "real", she may have to face those kind of questions in court.

    But given that the OP has just recently stopped being a victim--OG's post was a bit harsh IMO.

    It took me 3 years after the Ex was arrested for domestic assault to get myself together--mentally, emotionally--enough to stop being a victim. Even though he never physically abused me again in that 3 years, he was still very much a controlling, mentally abusive, @ss! But, it took me 3 years to realize he wouldn't/couldn't kill my family (like he threatened numerous times), and that I was not the piece of crap he always told me I was (you know the old "you're fat/ugly/crazy/stupid/etc. no other man will want you" lines)

    So, yes, this is a topic that hits close to home. Abuse victims need some positive reinforcement that they did the right thing--not the "why did you marry him/her" or "what took you so long to leave" questions.
  15. #30
    breezymom is offline Member
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    Sometimes a kick-in-the-butt post or word or two helps someone stop being a victim and start to get it together. Sometimes it is a reality check and honestly it gets you prepared for those questions in court. Those questions were asked of me by our GAL day 1. Yes it sucks trying to explain how you were deceived, reeled in, and taken advantage of, but it also helps you to try and keep you and your children OUT of future relationships such as these instead of repeating the cycle.
    Blue Meanie likes this.

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