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  1. #1
    menol87 is offline Junior Member
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    Red face How flexible do I have to be with my visitation

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

    Hello I am having am issue with my child's mother regarding amending the visitation schedule we have in place by the court.

    I find myself in a battle to see my son for every birthday party or gathering she wants to go to.

    My work schedule alternates and she has it ahead of time. If it is a major family event or someone he lives with I have no problem working with her but I find myself battling for time competing with every party she gets invited to.

    She does offer alternate times but they are times that are convenient for her and that I feel like he should be sleeping like extending my 7pm drop off until 10pm. The child is 4 I feel like he should have been sleeping way before 10pm so why would I keep him until then. That is not a normal healthy bed time for a child so young.

    This is what our order states:

    "Ordered that on consent and after allocution a final order of joint custody of the subject child is hereby granted to the parties. mother shall have physical custody of the subject child. The mother and father shall share joint legal custody. Father shall have visitation with the child on the days that he is not working. Should these days fall on a school day, the visitation shall be after school until 7pm. Should the days off fall on the weekend visitation shall be from 9am to 5pm. pickup and drop off shall be at the home of the mother. parties will arrange for holiday visitation between themselves; and it is further ordered that parties may modify this order on consent in writing."

    She takes the last part as, as long as she lets me know ahead of time I can't see him. I can't do anything about it even if I disagree and would like to see my son.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
  2. #2
    ecmst12 is offline Senior Member
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    You need to go back to court and get an actual schedule put into place for holidays. You are pretty lucky to get visitation ONLY on your days off though, most parents have to worry about child care during their parenting time. You do not have to be flexible at all though, your time is your time. Just because mom wants something does not mean you have to allow it.

    The child's age has little to do with his bedtime. It depends on when he gets up, whether he gets a nap, and what kind of day he has. Children get into their own schedules and even if his bedtime is normally earlier, staying up a little late once in a while isn't going to kill him.
  3. #3
    BL
    BL is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by menol87 View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

    Hello I am having am issue with my child's mother regarding amending the visitation schedule we have in place by the court.

    I find myself in a battle to see my son for every birthday party or gathering she wants to go to.

    My work schedule alternates and she has it ahead of time. If it is a major family event or someone he lives with I have no problem working with her but I find myself battling for time competing with every party she gets invited to.

    She does offer alternate times but they are times that are convenient for her and that I feel like he should be sleeping like extending my 7pm drop off until 10pm. The child is 4 I feel like he should have been sleeping way before 10pm so why would I keep him until then. That is not a normal healthy bed time for a child so young.

    This is what our order states:

    "Ordered that on consent and after allocution a final order of joint custody of the subject child is hereby granted to the parties. mother shall have physical custody of the subject child. The mother and father shall share joint legal custody. Father shall have visitation with the child on the days that he is not working. Should these days fall on a school day, the visitation shall be after school until 7pm. Should the days off fall on the weekend visitation shall be from 9am to 5pm. pickup and drop off shall be at the home of the mother. parties will arrange for holiday visitation between themselves; and it is further ordered that parties may modify this order on consent in writing."

    She takes the last part as, as long as she lets me know ahead of time I can't see him. I can't do anything about it even if I disagree and would like to see my son.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
    I interpret the last part as the orders can be modified by the partie(s) in writing , and the written modification entered into court records .

    She does NOT get to " let you know " anything .

    If it's your time insist on taking it if you want .

    On the other hand a family party get together now and then may be a good thing for the child's development . Perhaps agree when a party ends you will utilize the rest of your time .

    Another thing is when is bedtime at moms for the child ? An extra hr. may not hurt anything in make up time .

    I agree though holidays are usually spelled out every other major holiday alternating odd and even years.. Of course if you had to work on some holidays it might not work out .
  4. #4
    menol87 is offline Junior Member
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    I have no idea when bedtime is when he is with her. An example being was just yesterday there was a game night in my brother's house I got there at 1 am he was still up playing. About four weeks ago my niece had a birthday party and he went with his mom and was there in the party until 3am. Before that there was a 21 birthday party and he was there until about 3 am also. I don't approve as I have step children who have a 7:30-8pm bedtime. (Ages 5 and 2.5) If I am going out I hire a sitter. I have a child on the way with my fiance and will be doing the same. I know I have no control over what happens when he is with her but I do not feel right having him out so late.
  5. #5
    menol87 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ecmst12 View Post
    You are pretty lucky to get visitation ONLY on your days off though, most parents have to worry about child care during their parenting time.
    The probation officer who investigated the case suggested this to the court and they accepted because there is jealousy or bad feelings something brought about because I am engaged and am expecting anther child and she says she is not comfortable about the child being around with my fiance
  6. #6
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by menol87 View Post
    I have no idea when bedtime is when he is with her. An example being was just yesterday there was a game night in my brother's house I got there at 1 am he was still up playing. About four weeks ago my niece had a birthday party and he went with his mom and was there in the party until 3am. Before that there was a 21 birthday party and he was there until about 3 am also. I don't approve as I have step children who have a 7:30-8pm bedtime. (Ages 5 and 2.5) If I am going out I hire a sitter. I have a child on the way with my fiance and will be doing the same. I know I have no control over what happens when he is with her but I do not feel right having him out so late.


    Not your decision.

    Mom can parent the child as she sees fit; just as you can.
  7. #7
    menol87 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Proserpina View Post
    Not your decision.

    Mom can parent the child as she sees fit; just as you can.
    I know I have no control over that but I will not extend my visitation from 7pm drop off until 10 because she feels he can be up. I don't so I will take him at 7. I just don't feel that I have to give up my regular time and accept a time I am not comfortable with.
  8. #8
    ecmst12 is offline Senior Member
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    You don't.
  9. #9
    happybug is offline Member
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    How far in advance does mom know your schedule?
  10. #10
    mistoffolees is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by menol87 View Post
    This is what our order states:

    "Ordered that on consent and after allocution a final order of joint custody of the subject child is hereby granted to the parties. mother shall have physical custody of the subject child. The mother and father shall share joint legal custody. Father shall have visitation with the child on the days that he is not working. Should these days fall on a school day, the visitation shall be after school until 7pm. Should the days off fall on the weekend visitation shall be from 9am to 5pm. pickup and drop off shall be at the home of the mother. parties will arrange for holiday visitation between themselves; and it is further ordered that parties may modify this order on consent in writing."

    She takes the last part as, as long as she lets me know ahead of time I can't see him. I can't do anything about it even if I disagree and would like to see my son.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
    OK, what you need to understand is that she doesn't have to do anything more than what is required.

    Non-holiday days that you work - you have the child from 9 am to 5 pm or from close of school to 7 pm. (rather unusual order, btw). That's unquestionably your time. Mom doesn't get to schedule activities on your time. If she does, you can file for contempt. (However, consider that the child might really want to go to the birthday party so it might be better for the child if you allow it - but there's no reason you can't be the one to take her to the party).

    Holiday days - you get whatever days Mom agrees to give you. Without a solid holiday schedule, you're out of luck if she doesn't want you to have the child.

    Modifications? Requires BOTH of you to agree. Note that it says "parties may modify this order on consent in writing". Any modification requires both of you to agree in writing. Of course, it's not enforceable by the court unless you submit every change to the court, but if she agrees in writing and then changes her mind repeatedly, that could possibly be the justification for a change.

    So, you don't have anything other than what she wants to give you for the holidays. And this is particularly bad because it doesn't define holidays. If you're not working on St. Patrick's Day (Or May day. Or Flag Day, etc), she could claim that it's a holiday and that supersedes the normal visitation schedule.

    I would suggest that you see if you can reach an agreement with her on future holidays and spell it out clearly. Such as "for even numbered years, father has child from close of school for winter break until noon on Dec 26 and mother has child from noon on Dec 26 until school resumes and vice versa on odd numbered years" and so on. Spell out which holidays are covered and how they are handled.

    Now, when you suggest that, she might ask for the entire schedule to be revisited, so you might not get the "every day you're not working" schedule. So consider the tradeoffs. You might be better with an every other weekend schedule and half of the holidays and half of the summer, anyway.
  11. #11
    menol87 is offline Junior Member
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    I let her know when I find out my schedule which is about two weeks ahead of the change.

    We have not had a problem with the holidays so far. It is just when she gets invited to something on my days she does not let me get him.
  12. #12
    mistoffolees is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by menol87 View Post
    I let her know when I find out my schedule which is about two weeks ahead of the change.

    We have not had a problem with the holidays so far. It is just when she gets invited to something on my days she does not let me get him.
    Same answer as the last 10,000 times. If the court order gives you a certain day and the other parent doesn't allow you to have the child, then you can file for contempt.

    If the court order is NOT clear on what time is yours, then it's not enforceable and you should go back to court for clarification.
  13. #13
    BL
    BL is offline Senior Member
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    Additionally you might want to cite the court order to outline your days and remind her they are orders not suggestions , and violations can cause her to be held in contempt of court .
  14. #14
    InfantCustody is offline Member
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    For my own curiosity, when a court order says "On fathers days off work" or some other non-specific schedule, if mother says she was not aware it was his day off work or something of that nature, how can she be held in contempt? Unless you have a schedule that specifies "Every Tuesday from 6 pm until Wednesday at 6 pm and every 1st, 3rd and 5th week-end from 6 pm Friday until 6 pm Sunday" or something that clear, how do you hold someone in contempt?

    If it is your day off work, you don't have to be flexible. Your time is your time, per court order.
  15. #15
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by InfantCustody View Post
    For my own curiosity, when a court order says "On fathers days off work" or some other non-specific schedule, if mother says she was not aware it was his day off work or something of that nature, how can she be held in contempt? Unless you have a schedule that specifies "Every Tuesday from 6 pm until Wednesday at 6 pm and every 1st, 3rd and 5th week-end from 6 pm Friday until 6 pm Sunday" or something that clear, how do you hold someone in contempt?

    If it is your day off work, you don't have to be flexible. Your time is your time, per court order.
    She can be held in contempt if dad has proof that he gave her prior notice of his days off and she ignored it.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.

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