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Thread: How to handle restricted phone calls

  1. #1
    motherof224 is offline Junior Member
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    Cool How to handle restricted phone calls

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia


    My current in effect temporary court order states that the NCP has the right to contact the children during reasonable hours to keep up the bond between parent and child.

    This does not state phone, email, text, etc, what form of communication, nor does it states that I have to be a part of this conversation. Up to this point, he has made comments to such as "this is a waste of time" and hung up once I just put my daughter on the phone and I say "here are the girls". I was advised by my lawyer because of his past emotionally abusive and excessive behavior calling and texting to not communicate with him myself via telephone, all a jab at me but indirectly mentioning the children so to have to contact me in the first place.

    He now has changed his phone number and will not provide any contact number to me, however he will call me restricted. I know the restricted calls are him cause that cell phone is used for only limited purposes and no personal communication on my part plus he will leave voicemails from the calls. My question is, should I answer these calls or not? In one way, I cannot be assured that it is him in fact the one calling, so I don't like the idea of handing any random phone call to my three year old. In another way, I feel he should provide me a recognizable number so that I know it is their father and hand my daughters the phone directly. I just need to know how to handle the restricted phone calls.

    Also if your advice is to start answering the restricted phone calls, what should I do in the case he is excessively calling? I know once I do answer, from past history, he will then start to escalate to more and more calling. communication, etc.

    My children are twenty months and three. There is much information I am not putting here, I don't always know what is most useful or helpful to you to advice me, so please ask for any additional information and I will be happy to supply.

    ---------

    Also the father does only currently have supervised visits that are to be arranged between both parties weekly, for no less than 2 hours. The supervising party is to be me, which is a whole other issue because of the emotional and verbal abuse but I will not go there. I appreciate any and all help.
  2. #2
    Antigone* is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by motherof224 View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia


    My current in effect temporary court order states that the NCP has the right to contact the children during reasonable hours to keep up the bond between parent and child.

    This does not state phone, email, text, etc, what form of communication, nor does it states that I have to be a part of this conversation. Up to this point, he has made comments to such as "this is a waste of time" and hung up once I just put my daughter on the phone and I say "here are the girls". I was advised by my lawyer because of his past emotionally abusive and excessive behavior calling and texting to not communicate with him myself via telephone, all a jab at me but indirectly mentioning the children so to have to contact me in the first place.

    He now has changed his phone number and will not provide any contact number to me, however he will call me restricted. I know the restricted calls are him cause that cell phone is used for only limited purposes and no personal communication on my part plus he will leave voicemails from the calls. My question is, should I answer these calls or not? In one way, I cannot be assured that it is him in fact the one calling, so I don't like the idea of handing any random phone call to my three year old. In another way, I feel he should provide me a recognizable number so that I know it is their father and hand my daughters the phone directly. I just need to know how to handle the restricted phone calls.

    Also if your advice is to start answering the restricted phone calls, what should I do in the case he is excessively calling? I know once I do answer, from past history, he will then start to escalate to more and more calling. communication, etc.

    My children are twenty months and three. There is much information I am not putting here, I don't always know what is most useful or helpful to you to advice me, so please ask for any additional information and I will be happy to supply.

    ---------

    Also the father does only currently have supervised visits that are to be arranged between both parties weekly, for no less than 2 hours. The supervising party is to be me, which is a whole other issue because of the emotional and verbal abuse but I will not go there. I appreciate any and all help.

    Just answer the calls and allow him to speak to his kids. Who cares where the calls come from
    Zigner likes this.
  3. #3
    Zigner is offline Senior Member
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    Quit playing games. Answer the phone. If it's him, say "Hi there - here is Susie"

    ETA: Yeah, what Tigi said!
  4. #4
    SESmama is offline Member
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    Each time you get a restricted call, answer it.
    Once you determine who is calling then proceed from there
    If it is the ex, say hey, just a sec, here is "Susie"
    If it is not then continue as normal
    If he calls back, rinse and repeat.

    He will eventually get the idea. May take a year or two (like mine) but it will get there.
  5. #5
    motherof224 is offline Junior Member
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    answered

    Took your advice, answered call and documented. He called once tonight right before 10 pm and all he said was "this is bull****" and hung up.
  6. #6
    motherof224 is offline Junior Member
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    Update

    My email to him regarding visitation and court order since my lawyer has changed method:

    Last weeks visitation, April 4/14-4/15, was chosen not to be exercised on your behalf, we have not had a chance to discuss visitation for this current week, 04/21-4/22. I currently have no direct communication channels for you except your email address above, xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com. I have been informed by your mother, xxxxxxx, that your number, xxxxxxxx, has been cancelled or changed, so at this time I have no known, recognizable number for you so that I can answer your calls if you call about the girls.
    Our court states that you can communicate with the children during reasonable hours; to be able to do that successfully, I will need to have a recognizable number for you so that when I am handing the phone directly to xxx or xxx , I am assured that they are not hearing anything inappropriate from other channels and it is indeed their dad on the other line. I am more than happy to answer callls directly for the girls during reasonable hours so that you can keep in touch with them. I am stating this as such because I have been receiving excessive calls from restricted numbers and I cannot be assured where these calls are coming from, you, sales, etc. I apologize if some of those or all of these excessive number of restricted calls are you, however I have no way of knowing who it is. That way I do wish you to provide a number for emergency purpose for my contact or my counsel's contact, and so that I and xxxx can recgonize the call as yours. Again, I would be more than happy to facilitate phone calls between you and the girls so you can maintain a relationship together so let me know this at your earliest convenience.

    We are available this weekend, during your stated days off, Saturday and Sunday, 04/21-4/22, during reasonable hours. Confirm with me a date, place, and time that you can be available and would like to exercise the visitation this weekend. Let me know this information by Friday, 04/20, 9 PM.
    We are available in the time of all morning and afternoon of both Saturday and Sunday, which allows enough drive time for both our party and yours. I would greatly appreciate common courtesy in communication regarding the girls and visitation, as I provide you the same.

    I will state again, all of the above is at the advice of my counsel, xxxxxxxx, of xxxxxxxxx, and she can be reached for any questions, comments, or concerns directly at xxxxxxx. All communication between you and I will need to be kept strictly to the arrangement of visitation and the girls; any discussion of the case, method of communication taken, or otherwise will need to be directed to xxxxxx. Or better yet, if you choose this as a not an acceptable route, the advice of my counsel is to hire counsel on your own behalf so that they can speak to her directly.

    Any communication made to me regarding contacting the girls directly can be done at the numbers listed below, provided once again. All arrangements for visitation and notifications of major decisions regarding the girls will need to be made via email for court documentation purposes, provided once again below. Again, anything past these two concerns, all questions and comments must go directly to Amber Sellaro, her contact information provided above and below as well.
  7. #7
    motherof224 is offline Junior Member
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    update - his reponse

    His response to my lawyer's advice and follow through, and taking your advice of answering the restricted call.



    Seeing as there are other mean of communication between you and I; you are not in need of any other method of contact than that which is stated. I have called from an undisclosed number, and will continue to do so. I have attempted to contact you several times regarding the children and have been meet with hostilities regarding the children. The last time that I provided you with a manner of contact you called the police and made the claim that you were being harassed; whereby at that point your point of contact with me was limited.

    Regarding calling to speak to the children, I have called several times. I call every day at the exact same times, yet I never receive an answer or any form of communication regarding the children, I have asked several times how the children are, with the only response being they are fine. As a parent, theses immature responses regarding the children are very childish and it is with hope that it is seen fit to overcome this behavior; however, it does not seem likely.

    Also I am sure that I do not need to inform you nor your attorney that even though you want emails documenting agreed times and places there is no way to the validity for said documents

    Regarding see the children over this weekend I am free on Sunday of this week. As to a time and place; if there is any place that you might like to take them that is something that is open for discussion at any given time that is seen reasonable.





    ---------

    In regarding to me calling the police, when I informed him he would not be claiming either of the girls on his tax return, he called my phone over 12 times every 10 minutes, sent IMs via text message (he won't send them directly text - he believes this is getting him out of legally being held liable for what he says), the IMs were just as excessive as the calls, used language such as "hey c***, answer your phone", "guess your master wont let you answer wh***, etc, derogatory language is used in nearly every single one just like those examples. I hate to even post those here. When he does this I do not respond with anything except telling him firmly, once that I will not tolerate this harassment. If he contacts me about the children, I will answer him; communication about me personally, degrading like this, will not render a response at all on my part.
    The police told me that they spoke to him regarding this, advised him to stop, if he did not, there would be a warrant for his arrest, also if there were any other altercations such as this past this I should contact the magistrate court in my county (we live in different counties now) and get a protection order. Next time we had visitation, he told me the office said I was being childish, not to call again, and that it does no good, and he was only contacting me (with the language above, same incident mind you) regarding visitation.

    I am dealing with a heavily narcissistic individual among other things I believe. I am in need of legal advice and I will do so past this board, as well as I currently have counsel for custody. Thank you for any help!
  8. #8
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by motherof224 View Post
    His response to my lawyer's advice and follow through, and taking your advice of answering the restricted call.



    Seeing as there are other mean of communication between you and I; you are not in need of any other method of contact than that which is stated. I have called from an undisclosed number, and will continue to do so. I have attempted to contact you several times regarding the children and have been meet with hostilities regarding the children. The last time that I provided you with a manner of contact you called the police and made the claim that you were being harassed; whereby at that point your point of contact with me was limited.

    Regarding calling to speak to the children, I have called several times. I call every day at the exact same times, yet I never receive an answer or any form of communication regarding the children, I have asked several times how the children are, with the only response being they are fine. As a parent, theses immature responses regarding the children are very childish and it is with hope that it is seen fit to overcome this behavior; however, it does not seem likely.

    Also I am sure that I do not need to inform you nor your attorney that even though you want emails documenting agreed times and places there is no way to the validity for said documents

    Regarding see the children over this weekend I am free on Sunday of this week. As to a time and place; if there is any place that you might like to take them that is something that is open for discussion at any given time that is seen reasonable.





    ---------

    In regarding to me calling the police, when I informed him he would not be claiming either of the girls on his tax return, he called my phone over 12 times every 10 minutes, sent IMs via text message (he won't send them directly text - he believes this is getting him out of legally being held liable for what he says), the IMs were just as excessive as the calls, used language such as "hey c***, answer your phone", "guess your master wont let you answer wh***, etc, derogatory language is used in nearly every single one just like those examples. I hate to even post those here. When he does this I do not respond with anything except telling him firmly, once that I will not tolerate this harassment. If he contacts me about the children, I will answer him; communication about me personally, degrading like this, will not render a response at all on my part.
    The police told me that they spoke to him regarding this, advised him to stop, if he did not, there would be a warrant for his arrest, also if there were any other altercations such as this past this I should contact the magistrate court in my county (we live in different counties now) and get a protection order. Next time we had visitation, he told me the office said I was being childish, not to call again, and that it does no good, and he was only contacting me (with the language above, same incident mind you) regarding visitation.

    I am dealing with a heavily narcissistic individual among other things I believe. I am in need of legal advice and I will do so past this board, as well as I currently have counsel for custody. Thank you for any help!
    Truthfully you are both acting immature. YOU do not need to have his current number for him to talk to his children on the phone. Quite frankly both of you parents need to grow up and put the children first because at this point NEITHER of you are.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  9. #9
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    I'm really not understanding the problem. Phone rings at 7pm, you answer and - if is Dad - you hand te phone to Susie w/no comment besides "Hold on - here's Susie!". If it is not Dad, then it's not Dad. If the phone rings when Susie is in bed, you don't answer and let it go to voicemail. This TRULY is NOT such an angst-riddent situation. Or shouldn't be.

    As for that email/letter? 'd get through two sentences and the eyes would glaze over. OMG. Brevity is power.
  10. #10
    CSO286 is offline Senior Member
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    And a RECOGNIZABLE number is not necesary (unless it court ordered). Some people don't have caller ID. Some people keep their number blocked for other reasons.

    If Dad is calling each evening at seven, then do exactly as has been previously suggested. Answer the phone, recognize Dad's voice, then say, "Here's Susie," and be done with it.
  11. #11
    gam
    gam is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by motherof224 View Post
    Regarding calling to speak to the children, I have called several times. I call every day at the exact same times, yet I never receive an answer or any form of communication regarding the children, I have asked several times how the children are, with the only response being they are fine. As a parent, theses immature responses regarding the children are very childish and it is with hope that it is seen fit to overcome this behavior; however, it does not seem likely.
    Do you just tell him fine? If so that is immature on your part, he's asking for some details on his children, fine is obviously not what he is looking for.

    Since the 2 of you have such issues regarding communication on the children, send him a monthly update once a month with details of the childrens activities and things. My daughter had trouble communicating with her ex, he does not talk, and I mean at all. He would ask how his child was and she respond with FINE and her ex would ask nothing more. However find out later it pissed him off, he wanted some details and he just couldn't express that. Her answer of fine, she knew he wanted more then that, instead of helping him on out, she shut him down and waited for him to ask for more. It was childish on her behalf, it takes 2 in this, no matter what one person is like, your behavior, responses, etc to them, can make or break this.

    My daughter and her ex's communication is 100% better, which is good for the child. She sends him a monthly email, with medical information(updates from Dr, dental), upcoming appts, upcoming activities in school or extra activities child is in, school progress. It takes her 5 minutes to do this and it shows her ex that she is doing her part. Then it is up to him to do what he wants with the information and ask any further questions. Sometimes he does comment back, sometimes he even tells the child, hey I heard this, sometimes he never says a word. You should see the child smile though when dad does say something to him, child can't believe his dad knows that something, and he is thrilled that dad recognized something in his life.

    Even if your ex does nothing with your extra information or continues to be a jerk, 5 minutes of your life once a month will not kill you. 5 minutes of trying for your child once a month is a lifetime of benefit for your child. You will never know if you don't do your part, how this could change into a decent co-parenting situation or even just some kind of benefit for your child.
    stealth2 likes this.
  12. #12
    motherof224 is offline Junior Member
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    When he does actually ask about the girls, I always send him answers such as what they did that day, what they are doing right then, or for my youngest milestones that she is doing. I will tell him cute things that they say or do, here and there it might even be a picture of something they made or did, or them being cute. I will tell him things such as my 3 year old is starting to say new things, I try to keep him updated as far as clothing, diaper sizes, their daily pattern with naps or play so that he can feel like he knows more about them and their lives, their personalities, etc.

    However, when I have done all of this in the past, I get no response regarding anything about the kids. All I get back are rude, derogatory comments towards me. Which leads me to where we are at today.

    This is an example:

    Me: The girls had a great day. She enjoyed doing stickers with me, we went to the park and ate lunch and Q didn't have a nap today so she is bed earlier tonight. She picked up a piece of pizza today and said yummy for the first time. It was cute.

    That's it. Done. A few minutes later I will get a message such as:

    Him: Are you going to tell me why you don't answer anything I ask?
    Took three hours for a response. How pathetic.
    Well guess you are too busy up the ass of some trash again.

    These are typical responses to me giving him information. He just ignores everything I say like it wasn't even sent, asks why I won't talk about personal things that he wants to ask me instead of things regarding the kids, and if I don't jump to and be on my phone twenty four seven, not even five minutes go by before I get a berating comment about being somewhere else, not paying attention, refusing him information, denying him access, etc. I usually answer or send these messages when I see them. I am not a person that is attached to my phone as some are. Hope this may help.
  13. #13
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    [QUOTE=motherof224;3042753This is an example:

    Me: The girls had a great day. She enjoyed doing stickers with me, we went to the park and ate lunch and Q didn't have a nap today so she is bed earlier tonight. She picked up a piece of pizza today and said yummy for the first time. It was cute.

    That's it. Done. A few minutes later I will get a message such as:

    Him: Are you going to tell me why you don't answer anything I ask?
    Took three hours for a response. How pathetic.
    Well guess you are too busy up the ass of some trash again.

    These are typical responses to me giving him information. He just ignores everything I say like it wasn't even sent, asks why I won't talk about personal things that he wants to ask me instead of things regarding the kids, and if I don't jump to and be on my phone twenty four seven, not even five minutes go by before I get a berating comment about being somewhere else, not paying attention, refusing him information, denying him access, etc. I usually answer or send these messages when I see them. I am not a person that is attached to my phone as some are. Hope this may help.[/QUOTE]

    And... so what? So it hurts your feelings. It's not about you. What does it cost you to just keep sending him updates?

    Been in the same situation, and I chose to be the bigger person. My two are 18 & 20, and it is only very recently that I stopped sending him updates. I know that *I* was doing the right thing. That was all that mattered.
  14. #14
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by motherof224 View Post
    When he does actually ask about the girls, I always send him answers such as what they did that day, what they are doing right then, or for my youngest milestones that she is doing. I will tell him cute things that they say or do, here and there it might even be a picture of something they made or did, or them being cute. I will tell him things such as my 3 year old is starting to say new things, I try to keep him updated as far as clothing, diaper sizes, their daily pattern with naps or play so that he can feel like he knows more about them and their lives, their personalities, etc.

    However, when I have done all of this in the past, I get no response regarding anything about the kids. All I get back are rude, derogatory comments towards me. Which leads me to where we are at today.

    This is an example:

    Me: The girls had a great day. She enjoyed doing stickers with me, we went to the park and ate lunch and Q didn't have a nap today so she is bed earlier tonight. She picked up a piece of pizza today and said yummy for the first time. It was cute.

    That's it. Done. A few minutes later I will get a message such as:

    Him: Are you going to tell me why you don't answer anything I ask?
    Took three hours for a response. How pathetic.
    Well guess you are too busy up the ass of some trash again.

    These are typical responses to me giving him information. He just ignores everything I say like it wasn't even sent, asks why I won't talk about personal things that he wants to ask me instead of things regarding the kids, and if I don't jump to and be on my phone twenty four seven, not even five minutes go by before I get a berating comment about being somewhere else, not paying attention, refusing him information, denying him access, etc. I usually answer or send these messages when I see them. I am not a person that is attached to my phone as some are. Hope this may help.
    It sounds like you are making excuses. Seriously. You have a court order allowing him contact. You want reasons why you don't have to do it. Quit making excuses and grow up.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  15. #15
    TinkerBelleLuvr is offline Senior Member
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    I have the feeling that you are feeding into the drama. How long ago was the breakup?

    My suggestion: go see a counselor and see how you feed into the drama.

    Or, look at something like Family Wizard that produced reports of your communications. Let the judge decide where the truth really is.

    And I do understand. I answer no calls that come in as restricted or no name. I don't feel like listening these days to political calls. But, if you KNOW that someone is going to call you at a specific time, then just answer the phone. Or get a separate phone for just him, that you don't give out a number to but dad. then you KNOW it is him calling.

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