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Wes42006

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

I have a 5 year old daughter. Her mother recently admitted herself into the hospital into the Life Works center for psychiatric evaluation, after attacking me then coming at me with a kitchen knife. Her father was there for the incident and persuaded her to see some specialists to find out what causes her to loose touch with reality in situations like this. She was diagnosed with BPD and has been undergoing a lot of therapy and several different medications.

In the past I noticed it seemed as though I was dealing with several different personalities. One who was extra caring and sweet, one who was manipulative and would do or say anything to gather the sympathy from others, and another who was on a complete path of destruction and entirely disconnected. She had a history of substance abuse when I first met her. But after meeting me and spending alot of time together she claimed to have stopped. Later after becoming pregnant I soon realized it had never stopped at all. A good friend of mine informed me that she and some friends would get together at our place and were snorting cocaine while I was away at work, and the baby was in the apartment. When I talked to her about it she admitted to it and claimed that she was sorry and it wouldnt happen again.
I should have acted then, against my better judgement I trusted her.

She goes through phases of being at home and spending her time with her family, then for months would dissapear on a regular basis and every time I turned around there was a new "sketchy" friend in the picture, one of which dissapeared herself and was on a heroin binge. When I would talk to her about my concerns for her being around people like this, or lying and dissapearing, she would only get angry and often attack me or throw a tantrum. During these tantrums she disconnects completely and runs through the house like and animal breaking/throwing anything in her path, usually ends them in crying on the floor, or storming out the door and staying gone for the rest of the day or night.

After she got out of the hospital, I did not feel like it was safe for her to be in the home with me and our daughter. Her parents agreed and she has been staying with her mother over the past 3 months and our daughter has been living with me. I allow our daughter to go to her grandmothers, to see her mother on the weekends. Her mother suprivises these visits and claims to not let them leave her sight. I am concerned that if I do not get our agreement on paper that she may, during one of her episodes get the idea to hide with our child...AGAIN. Two years ago she dissapeared for 3 months, having no contact with me or anyone in her family until one day she calls me crying asking can she come home. I dont know where to turn, I cannot afford to pay a lawyer and I don't want to get DSS involved unless I absolutely have to. At this point the agreement we have is consensual. But I am also concerned that if I take her to court she will manipulate the judges into believing her typical "victim" story. I dont want her to get in trouble, I just want my daughter to have a stable environment to grow in, as well as go to school.

I apologize if my post is hard to understand. I wanted to get it all out there, and there are so many details that may cause it to seem a bit scattered.
 
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2MsWife

Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

I have a 5 year old daughter. Her mother recently admitted herself into the hospital into the Life Works center for psychiatric evaluation, after attacking me then coming at me with a kitchen knife. Her father was there for the incident and persuaded her to see some specialists to find out what causes her to loose touch with reality in situations like this. She was diagnosed with BPD and has been undergoing a lot of therapy and several different medications.

In the past I noticed it seemed as though I was dealing with several different personalities. One who was extra caring and sweet, one who was manipulative and would do or say anything to gather the sympathy from others, and another who was on a complete path of destruction and entirely disconnected. She had a history of substance abuse when I first met her. But after meeting me and spending alot of time together she claimed to have stopped. Later after becoming pregnant I soon realized it had never stopped at all. A good friend of mine informed me that she and some friends would get together at our place and were snorting cocaine while I was away at work, and the baby was in the apartment. When I talked to her about it she admitted to it and claimed that she was sorry and it wouldnt happen again.
I should have acted then, against my better judgement I trusted her.

She goes through phases of being at home and spending her time with her family, then for months would dissapear on a regular basis and every time I turned around there was a new "sketchy" friend in the picture, one of which dissapeared herself and was on a heroin binge. When I would talk to her about my concerns for her being around people like this, or lying and dissapearing, she would only get angry and often attack me or throw a tantrum. During these tantrums she disconnects completely and runs through the house like and animal breaking/throwing anything in her path, usually ends them in crying on the floor, or storming out the door and staying gone for the rest of the day or night.

After she got out of the hospital, I did not feel like it was safe for her to be in the home with me and our daughter. Her parents agreed and she has been staying with her mother over the past 3 months and our daughter has been living with me. I allow our daughter to go to her grandmothers, to see her mother on the weekends. Her mother suprivises these visits and claims to not let them leave her sight. I am concerned that if I do not get our agreement on paper that she may, during one of her episodes get the idea to hide with our child...AGAIN. Two years ago she dissapeared for 3 months, having no contact with me or anyone in her family until one day she calls me crying asking can she come home. I dont know where to turn, I cannot afford to pay a lawyer and I don't want to get DSS involved unless I absolutely have to. At this point the agreement we have is consensual. But I am also concerned that if I take her to court she will manipulate the judges into believing her typical "victim" story. I dont want her to get in trouble, I just want my daughter to have a stable environment to grow in, as well as go to school.

I apologize if my post is hard to understand. I wanted to get it all out there, and there are so many details that may cause it to seem a bit scattered.
Are there any orders in your case?

Were you and mom married when the child was born? If not, have you established paternity through the courts?

If you have not been established as legal dad, then you need to do that first.

Then file for custody and ask for a psych evaluation for mom.
 

Wes42006

Junior Member
Are there any orders in your case?

Were you and mom married when the child was born? If not, have you established paternity through the courts?

If you have not been established as legal dad, then you need to do that first.

Then file for custody and ask for a psych evaluation for mom.

There are no orders, only verbal agreement that she stay with me during the week and visits her only on weekends. Her mother and I were not married when she had her. However, my name is on the birth certificate, and we are married now. Who do I ask to give the psyc evaluation? I went to the court house in my county for assistance in filing. They said I could file myself but they did not offer that paperwork and suggested I have a lawyer file because if one thing on the paper was wrong or filed incorrectly that it would be discarded by the judge. But once again I do not have the money for a lawyer. My name was taken off of our bank account due to an outstanding credit card debt in my name. She has ALL of our money.
 

2MsWife

Member
There are no orders, only verbal agreement that she stay with me during the week and visits her only on weekends. Her mother and I were not married when she had her. However, my name is on the birth certificate, and we are married now. Who do I ask to give the psyc evaluation? I went to the court house in my county for assistance in filing. They said I could file myself but they did not offer that paperwork and suggested I have a lawyer file because if one thing on the paper was wrong or filed incorrectly that it would be discarded by the judge. But once again I do not have the money for a lawyer. My name was taken off of our bank account due to an outstanding credit card debt in my name. She has ALL of our money.
An attorney really would be your best option. Is it possible to borrow from someone? Either way, I would at least consult with an attorney. Consultations are usually low-cost or even free.

If you absolutely can not afford an attorney, look into if there are legal aid options in your community.

If all else fails, you need to study, study, study the laws and procedures for the court you'd be in.

There are often self-help resources online, at law libraries, etc.

Out of curiosity, you say that she has been diagnosed with BPD. Are you meaning Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar?
 
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2MsWife

Member
Also, since your currently married, are you wanting to divorce her? You would need to file for divorce and ask for custody in that filing, as well as a psych eval for mom.

Do you have any proof of mom's emotional/mental instability?
 
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Antigone*

Senior Member
There are no orders, only verbal agreement that she stay with me during the week and visits her only on weekends. Her mother and I were not married when she had her. However, my name is on the birth certificate, and we are married now. Who do I ask to give the psyc evaluation? I went to the court house in my county for assistance in filing. They said I could file myself but they did not offer that paperwork and suggested I have a lawyer file because if one thing on the paper was wrong or filed incorrectly that it would be discarded by the judge. But once again I do not have the money for a lawyer. My name was taken off of our bank account due to an outstanding credit card debt in my name. She has ALL of our money.
You allowed you psychotic, druggie SO have access to all your money leaving you with nothing at all? Are you kidding me? How are you supporting yourself and your child?
 

Wes42006

Junior Member
Out of curiosity, you say that she has been diagnosed with BPD. Are you meaning Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar?
When she was younger they said Bipolar. Her most recent diagnosis and treatment was for Borderline personality disorder.
 

Wes42006

Junior Member
You allowed you psychotic, druggie SO have access to all your money leaving you with nothing at all? Are you kidding me? How are you supporting yourself and your child?
I buy store returns, shelf pulls, damaged freight and other types of dead inventory from various stores for resale. I make enough to cover all of my bills and still have a bit left over after expenses.. But it would take me another month or two to have up enough for a lawyer and Im tired of waiting. Something is different in her over this week and its making me nervous.
 

Wes42006

Junior Member
Also, since your currently married, are you wanting to divorce her? You would need to file for divorce and ask for custody in that filing, as well as a psych eval for mom.

Do you have any proof of mom's emotional/mental instability?
I'm not exactly sure how I would get the proof. I mean she checked herself in the hospital and stayed for alittle over a week. When she arrived they asked did she believe that she was a danger to herself or anyone else, she said, "Yes I am a danger to my husband".But I'm certain they wouldnt allow me to have any access to those records.
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
I'm not exactly sure how I would get the proof. I mean she checked herself in the hospital and stayed for alittle over a week. When she arrived they asked did she believe that she was a danger to herself or anyone else, she said, "Yes I am a danger to my husband".But I'm certain they wouldnt allow me to have any access to those records.
Then you get a court order for access to the records. Or you get a GAL appointed and have the court order them to have access.
 

st-kitts

Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

I have a 5 year old daughter. Her mother recently admitted herself into the hospital into the Life Works center for psychiatric evaluation, after attacking me then coming at me with a kitchen knife. Her father was there for the incident and persuaded her to see some specialists to find out what causes her to loose touch with reality in situations like this. She was diagnosed with BPD and has been undergoing a lot of therapy and several different medications.
I am glad that she is in treatment. Choosing not to report this incident to police and handle it entirely as a family matter will not help in your quest to prove your wife’s mental illness places your child at risk with her. If this were to repeat itself – and I sincerely hope it will not happen to you because you will avoid contact with your wife – please call the police.
In the past I noticed it seemed as though I was dealing with several different personalities. One who was extra caring and sweet, one who was manipulative and would do or say anything to gather the sympathy from others, and another who was on a complete path of destruction and entirely disconnected.
There are many issues for mental health professional to deal with, if she WANTS help. Your desire to save her or psychoanalyze her will do little but lead you in frustrating circles.
She had a history of substance abuse when I first met her. But after meeting me and spending alot of time together she claimed to have stopped. Later after becoming pregnant I soon realized it had never stopped at all. A good friend of mine informed me that she and some friends would get together at our place and were snorting cocaine while I was away at work, and the baby was in the apartment. When I talked to her about it she admitted to it and claimed that she was sorry and it wouldnt happen again.
I should have acted then, against my better judgement I trusted her.
This will make her drug use less relevant in the eyes of the court.
She goes through phases of being at home and spending her time with her family, then for months would dissapear on a regular basis and every time I turned around there was a new "sketchy" friend in the picture, one of which dissapeared herself and was on a heroin binge.
Again, it sounds like you have been covering for her and enabling her behavior.
When I would talk to her about my concerns for her being around people like this, or lying and dissapearing, she would only get angry and often attack me or throw a tantrum. During these tantrums she disconnects completely and runs through the house like and animal breaking/throwing anything in her path, usually ends them in crying on the floor, or storming out the door and staying gone for the rest of the day or night.
I sincerely hope that you have at this point realized that you cannot solve her problems. You also need to understand that exposing your child to domestic violence (which even in the context of mental illness is what is happening in your house) is unhealthy. “Failure to protect” is a term used to describe the behavior of a victim that fails to remove themselves from a situation that harms their child. You also need to strongly consider that as a male you may be seen as a perpetrator of domestic violence if another violent incident occurs and she presents a story that you attacked her. You need to leave this relationship to protect yourself (if not physically then legally) and your child.
After she got out of the hospital, I did not feel like it was safe for her to be in the home with me and our daughter. Her parents agreed and she has been staying with her mother over the past 3 months and our daughter has been living with me. I allow our daughter to go to her grandmothers, to see her mother on the weekends. Her mother suprivises these visits and claims to not let them leave her sight.
If it is working, all the more reason to get the arrangment formalized with the courts.

I am concerned that if I do not get our agreement on paper that she may, during one of her episodes get the idea to hide with our child...AGAIN.
Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. While you can hope, even pray, for her recovery and turn around your best predictor of her future action is her past actions. So if she has done it in the past, you are smart to consider it may occur again. You NEED to formalize custody.
Two years ago she dissapeared for 3 months, having no contact with me or anyone in her family until one day she calls me crying asking can she come home. I dont know where to turn, I cannot afford to pay a lawyer and I don't want to get DSS involved unless I absolutely have to.
You feel helpless. You need to do something though because the situation as you described is extremely volatile. Absent a true desire on your wife’s part to get well and stay medicated, the efforts of you and her parents to keep her well will eventually fail. Although more used to helping female victims, and although you may not feel that you are a victim of DV, I think a domestic violence outreach program might actually be able to help you and direct you toward resources. Here is a number for the Domestic Violence Hotline for Men and Women: 1-888-743-5754. They may be able to get you in touch with local resources.

At this point the agreement we have is consensual. But I am also concerned that if I take her to court she will manipulate the judges into believing her typical "victim" story.
I think the longer you sit considering actions rather than taking action, the more likely this scenario is to play out with her as the victim.
I dont want her to get in trouble, I just want my daughter to have a stable environment to grow in, as well as go to school.
Nothing you do will get her in trouble. Whether she gets in trouble, or not, has everything to do with the actions she takes. Mentally ill or chemically dependent, or not, she is an adult and is accountable for her own actions. Covering for her behavior truly is not the help she needs.

Your daughter does deserve a stable environment. In the situation you describe, your daughter needs you to take well thought out actions to help her deal with the reality of a mentally ill mother that may face a tough road with chemical addiction.

good luck
 
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Wes42006

Junior Member
She filed before I could. I'm officially scared, she has put in for temporary and permanent custody. What are my chances here?
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
She filed before I could. I'm officially scared, she has put in for temporary and permanent custody. What are my chances here?
No one can tell you your chances. You've gotten some very good advice above.

Realistically, your best bet for understanding your chances is to arrange at least an initial consultation with a local attorney.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
I will also offer up one word of comfort. From what you have said it does appear that the grandparents are well aware of their daughter's problems, and I think that they will do their best to protect the child. Based on what you have said, I think that there is little chance that mom will attempt to move from their home. It doesn't sound like she would ever have the means to do so.

However, I think that if you get an attorney and do things right, that you do have a better than decent shot at primary custody.
 

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