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momofrose

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

I have not posted a thread in a long time, but it appears now is the time. Background - I am the NCP (mom) of 15 year old daughter. Have 41% of the time with her - so it is considered (in Jersey) as shared custody.

OK - my 15 year old has decided that she "hates" her stap-dad (has been her tsp dad for over 11 years) and his anger issues (which he does have). His anger is such that it can be very intimidating. He has never exploded "at" her but has many times in front of her. It is not physical, but loud words (and I know that can be even more unsettling at times). He is seeking an anger management therapist and will have his first appointment this week.

Now - the issue is that she has been crying to everyone that will listen. I have to admit that her issues are real but the drama is a bit intense (teenager/girl). She has stated (and everyone agrees - except me) that she needs some time to NOT come over so that her head can get straightened out (she is seeing a school psychologist) and that my husband can get a handle on his anger.

My issue (amongst others) is a) if I let her "wait" I am breaking the court order and she does not confront the very issues that are concerning her. If I force the court order- she becomes resentful and even more hateful.

Her father knows full well of this situation (from her) and told her he is ready to modify the court order if need be and I worry that if I do force the co-parenting time and she cries to her dad - he will haul me back to court to modify the court ordered time I have with her.

Just an fyi - about a year ago (maybe a little more) my daughter found out how her step-dad and I got together (I cheated on her dad) - I believe that this massive hatred stems from that bit of info given to her by her father's mother. But that does not change what I need to need not do today.

I have arranged schedules (for the next month) so that she can be at our house (with me andher 6 year old brother) when he is travelling...so the next month will be fine, but after that there is only so much I can do.

My family, his family and my husband all agree I need to give her time.

I have to admit - I am lost with this - it is emotional and well as legal and I am not quite sure whatis best to do legally and psychologically for her.

thank for your your help.
 


Ohiogal

Queen Bee
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ

I have not posted a thread in a long time, but it appears now is the time. Background - I am the NCP (mom) of 15 year old daughter. Have 41% of the time with her - so it is considered (in Jersey) as shared custody.

OK - my 15 year old has decided that she "hates" her stap-dad (has been her tsp dad for over 11 years) and his anger issues (which he does have). His anger is such that it can be very intimidating. He has never exploded "at" her but has many times in front of her. It is not physical, but loud words (and I know that can be even more unsettling at times). He is seeking an anger management therapist and will have his first appointment this week.

Now - the issue is that she has been crying to everyone that will listen. I have to admit that her issues are real but the drama is a bit intense (teenager/girl). She has stated (and everyone agrees - except me) that she needs some time to NOT come over so that her head can get straightened out (she is seeing a school psychologist) and that my husband can get a handle on his anger.

My issue (amongst others) is a) if I let her "wait" I am breaking the court order and she does not confront the very issues that are concerning her. If I force the court order- she becomes resentful and even more hateful.

Her father knows full well of this situation (from her) and told her he is ready to modify the court order if need be and I worry that if I do force the co-parenting time and she cries to her dad - he will haul me back to court to modify the court ordered time I have with her.

Just an fyi - about a year ago (maybe a little more) my daughter found out how her step-dad and I got together (I cheated on her dad) - I believe that this massive hatred stems from that bit of info given to her by her father's mother. But that does not change what I need to need not do today.

I have arranged schedules (for the next month) so that she can be at our house (with me andher 6 year old brother) when he is travelling...so the next month will be fine, but after that there is only so much I can do.

My family, his family and my husband all agree I need to give her time.

I have to admit - I am lost with this - it is emotional and well as legal and I am not quite sure whatis best to do legally and psychologically for her.

thank for your your help.
You agree that stepdad has anger issues and has exploded in front of her -- which are her complaints. The fact that you committed adultery with him is not relevant quite frankly -- she may be angry about that but most likely she would be angry with you for cheating on her dad. And quite frankly if she is angry about the adultery she is entitled to be angry and work through that.

You don't really want legal advice quite frankly. It sounds like you want to be told you are thinking about this correctly and that is more parenting advice.

Truthfully talk to your daughter, have her over when your angry husband is not there and encourage her to go to counseling. Let her work this out.
 

momofrose

Senior Member
You are right - it is both legal and emotional...i worry that if I do not pick her up at the scheduled times (after the next month) that the child custody and time ordered schedule will be in jeapordy. However I am worried to enforce the schedule due to her mental state.

I am hoping it resolves itself (with them both dealing with their issues professionally)..but I also worrythat the longer they stay apart, the harder it will be for me to have my family back together again, and legally speaking, what my ex could do if I do not follow the court ordered co-parenting time.

Thanks again
 

CJane

Senior Member
Why did it take 11 years and your child refusing to be around him for your husband to get help?

Call me jaded, but that says to me that your family isn't as important to your husband as you say it is to you. You've described an abusive household - where people live an "unsettled" life due to an adult's inability to control his anger. And your largest concern is whether you'll 'lose time' with your child?

What are you modeling for her?
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
You are right - it is both legal and emotional...i worry that if I do not pick her up at the scheduled times (after the next month) that the child custody and time ordered schedule will be in jeapordy. However I am worried to enforce the schedule due to her mental state.

I am hoping it resolves itself (with them both dealing with their issues professionally)..but I also worrythat the longer they stay apart, the harder it will be for me to have my family back together again, and legally speaking, what my ex could do if I do not follow the court ordered co-parenting time.

Thanks again
Legally, it's not really an issue. If you don't exercise all your time, there are no immediate repercussions. Now, if you go a LONG TIME without exercising your time, then your ex could file for a modification to reduce your time, but missing a couple of visits shouldn't be a problem.

I disagree with her, your family, Dad's family, and everyone else who is saying 'just give her time'. By doing that, you are putting the burden of dealing with your husband's anger issues on a teenager. Why should it become her problem? Your husband is the one with the problem. And why should you let your relationship with your daughter be soured because of your husband's actions?

If it were me, I'd approach it a different way. Minimize her contact with your husband if possible. And if her husband gets out of control, ask him to immediately leave the house. (You should probably tell him in advance that you plan to do so and get his agreement). If you continue doing what you're doing, you will destroy your daughter's relationship with you - either by stopping visitation or by insisting on visitation but allowing verbal abuse. Your response should be "Daughter, I love you and you are an important part of my life and I won't give that up. I will do what I can to ensure that SD does not lose his temper and if he does will ask him to leave". That sends the proper message to both daughter and husband.
 

momofrose

Senior Member
Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate all of them. There is not one thing that is being said here that I have not thought about.

As far as "modelling" for her as a parent...I don't have an answer for that. He has always had a strong personality - but as of late, the anger has been not a pretty thing. I am very glad he is getting the help he needs, and am sorry it took this to bring it into focus.

As I have said, I have rearranged the schedule for the next month so she will be with me every other weekend un october and every Thursday - Monday in November until Thanksgiving. This coincides with his travel time, so that we can "re-introduce" them after a little time apart.

Thank you again
 

gr8rn

Senior Member
I'm kind of in agreement with Misto, in that it is your HUSBAND that needs to adjust his behavior, or else. Why would you let a man come between you and your kids?

I have, by the way, been in your shoes,and what your husband is doing, in essense is making you choose between your daughter and him. my guess is if you try to get him to modify his behavior in front of and around your daughter, he will, instead, escalate it because how dare she try to change him!!!.

You are going to have to deal with this man for the rest of your life. Who wants to live with an angry, raging man?
 

momofrose

Senior Member
Thank you- he has accepted the fact that he needs to change his behavior. He has sought out anger management counselling and will continue to attend sessons until managing the angry outbursts is an easy thing for him.

I am not choosing either - I am choosing both and want to make sure that everyone is in a safe mental place.

I think it is incredibly important that he is getting the help he needs - we also have a 6 year old boy and I have pointed out to him many facets of his personality that are being mimicked by ourl ittle boy. He got it...and is going for help.

Legally speaking - I was just making sure that the court orders for time spent would not be in jeapordy while she gets some time without seeing him and he gets some time to get himself together (and then stay together).

Thanks again
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
Thank you- he has accepted the fact that he needs to change his behavior. He has sought out anger management counselling and will continue to attend sessons until managing the angry outbursts is an easy thing for him.

I am not choosing either - I am choosing both and want to make sure that everyone is in a safe mental place.
But if you follow through on your plan to stop seeing your daughter until your husband is 'better', you ARE choosing him over her.

Frankly, if he understands that he has a problem and wants to fix it, then he shouldn't have any objection to what I suggested. If he loses his temper, he has to leave. If he refuses to accept that, then he's probably not serious about addressing his anger problem.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Personally, I would exercise my time with my kiddo outside of the husband's presence until he gets his act together. If that means he needs to leave the house (whether for business or not) or you need to spend the time with her (with or without the sibling) - that/s what you do. A month isn't going to do it.

If this is your Thanksgiving and he doesn't have it together? Then you need to choose whether you want to spend the holiday with your child(ren) or your husband. I know which I would choose.
 

CJane

Senior Member
If he loses his temper, he has to leave. If he refuses to accept that, then he's probably not serious about addressing his anger problem.
Personally? This would be true for me whether the daughter was home or not. I won't deal with angry people spewing that kind of energy all over my house. It's no different than sending a whining child to their room until they can be reasonable.

My 11 year old understands this: You have the right to be angry. You do not have the right to express that anger all over every other person in this house. Take your attitude elsewhere, and when you can be reasonable, we'll address the cause of the anger.

Easy. Peasy.
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
Personally, I would exercise my time with my kiddo outside of the husband's presence until he gets his act together. If that means he needs to leave the house (whether for business or not) or you need to spend the time with her (with or without the sibling) - that/s what you do. A month isn't going to do it.
The problem is that OP says that she has 41% of the child's time. I hope SD has a lot of business trips.

Although I still think that's simply avoiding the issue. OP needs to deal with SD's problems. Keeping daughter from dealing with him is only a bandaid.

IMHO.

If this is your Thanksgiving and he doesn't have it together? Then you need to choose whether you want to spend the holiday with your child(ren) or your husband. I know which I would choose.
If she deals with the problem properly, she shouldn't have to make the choice. Go ahead and cook Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. Anyone who chooses to act up (including SD, of course) has to leave - with police assistance, if necessary.

I just think that choosing between them is the wrong thing. OP wants both of them in her life and that's what she should be working toward. If hubby chooses his anger over his family, that's his choice.
 
I am not choosing either - I am choosing both and want to make sure that everyone is in a safe mental place.
I do not believe it is possible to choose both. Your daughter - and your husband - need to see that you are choosing your daughter's well being over your making things easier for your husband. From what I understand, Anger Management Counseling is not a short term thing. What if the therapist working with your husband feels he needs 6 months or 2 years of counseling before he or she feels his issues are under control? Will you shuffle her life, here visitations around or skip visitations around that long because your husband is home?

The reason your husband needs you choose your daughter is because you already set a precedent that the relationship with him has more importance than the stability of your daughter. He needs to see that you will choose her sense of well being over him so he understands what is at risk when he finds counseling to be hard. If he is serious about making it work, about getting better, he needs motivation.

As a note - when MY daughter's step dad had an angry outburst at me that scared her - I immediately set up counseling, arranged child care so she was never home alone with him, and made every effort to arrange activities and go places with her to keep her out of the house when he was home - until he moved out.
 
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momofrose

Senior Member
Thank you

Thank you for all of your replies, advice and concern. I will tell you that I did tell my husband that the kids do come first and either we all live in a safe and peaceful home, or we walk.

He has rearranged his work schedule to accomodate my daughters mid week over nights as well as some of the meetings he needs to attend for the next month. After that it will be day by day. I am accomodating my daughter first as is he by rearranging his schedule as needed.

He has made his first appointment this week and I expect he will be going every week for some time. We have also discussed what to do at this point, until he gets a handle on it, and that is to simply walk away with no words uttered. That way no one get's emotionally hurt.

I am not sure how long it will take to begin the healing, but with them both in counselling and then all of us in family counselling..I am hopeful.
 

OHRoadwarrior

Senior Member
I think there is more to the conflict between SD and OP's daughter. I am not disputing dad may be having anger issues, however, I question the wisdom of allowing a teenager to control the way your marriage works. I would buy hubby some L-Tryptophan, it is an amino acid that was used for anxiety, stress, anger, depression etc... before all the prescription drugs became popular.
 

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