impending divorce...custody question in MO

[mamaworks]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? missouri

I want to thank everyone who has given me such good advice on this forum thus far. I really appreciate it! Here's my new question. Right now, my stbx and I have worked out an informal custody agreement since we are in the process of divorce. Nothing is in writing or formalized with the courts. We agreed to mediate using one attorney and I have paid my half of the fees and am waiting for him to do the same (if he chooses not to do it quickly, I'm going to rethink this and pay for it all myself to get it OVER).

So far he has informally agreed to let me have sole physical custody of our daughter who is very young due to extenuating health conditions (major heart attack, five-way bypass, fully disabled as a result). He left our family nearly 8 weeks ago and has done nothing to establish a permanent residence for himself. He is presently living in his sole propreitorship business (illegally, I might add) and when I asked him about his plans for a residence he informed me that he intends to move back to Illinois.

I wanted to ask how this could affect our custody arrangement...he plans to maintain his biz in MO where we live but commute back and forth at least on the weekends. Our arrangement right now gives him a weekday with his daughter because it was his designated "day off" from his business. I don't want him to be able to meet me at the designated drop off point (which has been his business) and then just be able to drive her across state lines. We will share legal custody, and he insists he can take her anywhere and do whatever he wants with her. He went so far as the threaten that if I don't keep our current informal arrangement going, he would call the police and tell them I kidnapped our child. Currently, she lives with me full-time and I don't think this would gain him favor with the local law enforcement, but I leave that to the experts to decide.

I really want to get this done correctly so I don't have to go back to court and modify right away...but wonder if he doesn't have the Illinois address at the time we present our paperwork if this is going to be a big mess. I wouldn't expect the judge to look favorably upon someone who doesn't have a place to live with a shower or tub or kitchen facilities, but I don't want to be naive and then find that he gets more than I expect.

Thoughts and advice are appreciated.

Mamaworks

 

[rdkkks]

I don't think I have answers to most of your questions, but I was told by the attorney that helped me with my divorce, that on his parenting time, he can do what he wants with the kids. I.E. I questioned whether or not I (having sole legal custody) could keep him from taking our kids to visit his family across the country (who were extremely damaging to him growing up). The attorney said that on his parenting time, he can do what he wants, I really can't stop him from anything. If he has 2 weeks with the kids and wants to take them there, he can.

Hope this helps a little.

 

[Sens55]

Granted, it's been a while since I was divorced, but when I did it my attorney advised me on a couple of things similar to what you're facing. I was concerned that my ex would up and move back to her family 2 states away. We had our decree drafted stating thatshe had to have my consent to move him more than 1 hour away from the Metro KC area. This would cover the KS side. I'm guessing you're in St. Louis, but it'd be similar.

Also, it stated that if she were to leave with him out of state for a duration that one of my visitations were missed, then, again, she had to have my consent. Since I had visitation every other Wednesay and every other weekend, it didn't leave a lot of time for her to be gone. Obviously if she wanted to go visit her parents, I always consented. But, at least it let me know what was going on so they didn't just up and leave and I didn't know for 2 weeks. I won't say it worked perfectly, but it was enough of a deterrent that she never moved away.

I don't know enough about it all to know what would happen if he took off across state lines and countersued. I imagine it could happen. But, if you've got a court order giving primary custody to you, it'd be harder for him. But, without that court order (or even a motion), if he wanted to be slick, he could have it prepped and ready to go, take her for visiation and file the papers immediately asking for temporary custody. My attorney offered this as an option (albeit not a good one in my case) when I went through this before.

 

[LdiJ]

Just a couple of points:

An attorney can only represent one party. The attorney cannot represent both. Who is your attorney officially representing? If its you, fine. If its not, then ask for your money back and hire another attorney.

His threat to get you for kidnapping is a complete and total bluff.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? missouri

I want to thank everyone who has given me such good advice on this forum thus far. I really appreciate it! Here's my new question. Right now, my stbx and I have worked out an informal custody agreement since we are in the process of divorce. Nothing is in writing or formalized with the courts. We agreed to mediate using one attorney and I have paid my half of the fees and am waiting for him to do the same (if he chooses not to do it quickly, I'm going to rethink this and pay for it all myself to get it OVER).

Okay.

So far he has informally agreed to let me have sole physical custody of our daughter who is very young due to extenuating health conditions (major heart attack, five-way bypass, fully disabled as a result). He left our family nearly 8 weeks ago and has done nothing to establish a permanent residence for himself. He is presently living in his sole propreitorship business (illegally, I might add) and when I asked him about his plans for a residence he informed me that he intends to move back to Illinois.

Okay.

I wanted to ask how this could affect our custody arrangement...he plans to maintain his biz in MO where we live but commute back and forth at least on the weekends. Our arrangement right now gives him a weekday with his daughter because it was his designated "day off" from his business. I don't want him to be able to meet me at the designated drop off point (which has been his business) and then just be able to drive her across state lines.

He is allowed to do that.

We will share legal custody, and he insists he can take her anywhere and do whatever he wants with her.

On his time he can unless it is dangerous.

He went so far as the threaten that if I don't keep our current informal arrangement going, he would call the police and tell them I kidnapped our child. Currently, she lives with me full-time and I don't think this would gain him favor with the local law enforcement, but I leave that to the experts to decide.

It wouldn't be kidnapping HOWEVER you could get nailed for interference with his parental rights which would cause YOU to lose custody to him and become a visitor so to speak.

I really want to get this done correctly so I don't have to go back to court and modify right away...

The court would NOT allow you to modify right away.

but wonder if he doesn't have the Illinois address at the time we present our paperwork if this is going to be a big mess. I wouldn't expect the judge to look favorably upon someone who doesn't have a place to live with a shower or tub or kitchen facilities, but I don't want to be naive and then find that he gets more than I expect.

He could spend all of his weekends in a hotel room and it wouldn't matter as long as the child has shelter, food and clothing.

Thoughts and advice are appreciated.

Mamaworks

Realize that you cannot control what he does with his child on his time with her.

 

[mamaworks]

The attorney is representing me, by the way. I appreciate the information. I am aware that Missouri had passed a law basically stating that when visitation is involved for a divorced couple, basically, neither parent could move without the consent of the other since it could drastically affect visitation. Since by his own admission, he doesn't want our daughter overnight due to his health concerns, I just wanted to know if it would put him in the category that if I didn't agree to the move, he would either lose time or we'd have to draft up something differently because he isn't going to have her overnight.

 

[Ohiogal]

The attorney is representing me, by the way. I appreciate the information. I am aware that Missouri had passed a law basically stating that when visitation is involved for a divorced couple, basically, neither parent could move without the consent of the other since it could drastically affect visitation. Since by his own admission, he doesn't want our daughter overnight due to his health concerns, I just wanted to know if it would put him in the category that if I didn't agree to the move, he would either lose time or we'd have to draft up something differently because he isn't going to have her overnight.

If the attorney is representing only you, then YOU alone should be paying for him. And moves are usually ONLY for the residential parent. If it does affect visitation you go back to get a new schedule. Dad is agreeing to something however with the idea that he will be in Illinois. What kind of distance is that? 30 minutes? 2 hours? 5 hours? And if he is not going to have her overnight, why does it matter if he has a shower?

 

[CJane]

The attorney is representing me, by the way. I appreciate the information. I am aware that Missouri had passed a law basically stating that when visitation is involved for a divorced couple, basically, neither parent could move without the consent of the other since it could drastically affect visitation. Since by his own admission, he doesn't want our daughter overnight due to his health concerns, I just wanted to know if it would put him in the category that if I didn't agree to the move, he would either lose time or we'd have to draft up something differently because he isn't going to have her overnight.

Then you're aware of something that did not happen.

The statute pertaining to relocation in MO states that the parent moving the PRINCIPAL RESIDENCE of the child must INFORM the other parent of the move and if necessary provide a new proposed parenting plan. The NON-MOVING parent then has the opportunity to file to prevent the relocation of the CHILD (not the parent) and the courts will decide if the move will be allowed.

Dad can move to Timbuktu and you have no say, and as long as he thinks the visitation schedule is kosher, there's no reason to change it. He's not OBLIGATED to have her at all, ever. But if it's 'his' weekend and he shows up to get her YOU are OBLIGATED to have her ready to go - no matter WHERE he wants to take her.