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  1. #1
    Allthetime? is offline Junior Member
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    Indiana Right of Refusal

    Indiana

    I am the parental custodian of 3 kids (10.5, 6.5 and 3.5) and the x is claiming that anytime I want to do something for myself, he has them every other weekend and takes them for 2hrs (occasionally) on Weds during the week while I am working and I am paying for them in daycare. There is nothing in the divorce for Right of Refusal.

    This is more controlling than when I was married!!! He can do anything extracurricular and lives with a woman. I can not plan to do anything unless I ask him or unless it is my free weekend. This seems ludicrus.

    Any advice?

    By the way, he has said he wants shared custody....which is NOT good for the kids for several reasons that I dont need to go into. He is a good dad. The only reason he wants that is because of child support.
  2. #2
    TinkerBelleLuvr is offline Senior Member
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    Unless there is something in the court order on rights of first refusal, it does not exist.
  3. #3
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allthetime? View Post
    Indiana

    I am the parental custodian of 3 kids (10.5, 6.5 and 3.5) and the x is claiming that anytime I want to do something for myself, he has them every other weekend and takes them for 2hrs (occasionally) on Weds during the week while I am working and I am paying for them in daycare. There is nothing in the divorce for Right of Refusal.

    This is more controlling than when I was married!!! He can do anything extracurricular and lives with a woman. I can not plan to do anything unless I ask him or unless it is my free weekend. This seems ludicrus.

    Any advice?

    By the way, he has said he wants shared custody....which is NOT good for the kids for several reasons that I dont need to go into. He is a good dad. The only reason he wants that is because of child support.
    Are you ordered to following the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines? If so, there is a right of first refusal outlined in the guidelines. This is how it reads:

    3. Opportunity for Additional Parenting Time. When it becomes necessary that a child be cared for by a person other than a parent or a family member, the parent needing the child care shall first offer the other parent the opportunity for additional parenting time. The other parent is under no obligation to provide the child care. If the other parent elects to provide this care, it shall be done at no cost.

    Commentary

    The rule providing for opportunities for additional parenting time promotes the concept that a child receives greater benefit from being with a parent rather than a child care provider. It is also intended to be practical. When a parentís work schedule or other regular recurring activities require hiring a child care provider, the other parent should be given the opportunity to provide the care. Distance, transportation or time may make the rule impractical. Parents should agree on the amount of child care time and the circumstances that require the offer be made.
  4. #4
    Allthetime? is offline Junior Member
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    Yes, ordered to follow the Indiana Parenting Time guidelines.

    It's out of control. Those guidelines are really out of control when it comes down to this for MY rights to have an idividual life outside of children, as a person. Gee, I get to do something every other weekend without them. Sad, really sad. I mean, a bike ride....going to the gym....anything extra curricular while the other party can enjoy doing what he wants at any time.
  5. #5
    Zigner is offline Senior Member
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    So, if you decide to take a 3 hour break, just find a sitter and have the kids stay with them. Why are you reporting your every move to your ex?
  6. #6
    Sunnyone83 is offline Member
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    I don't like FROR either so I get you, but for different reasons on my part.

    Otherwise, yea, you get to have a life every other weekend and he can do what he wants when the kids aren't there, meaning he has a lot more freetime than you do. But your being upset is a little ridiculous.
    You get to have the kids fulltime, meaning you get no freetime, he only gets to see the kids every other weekend. Perhaps he'd be happy to trade you.

    ETA: Something for so short of time is a little annoying. Maybe you should seek a clarification or seek to add a time limit such as if you are to be away from the kids for more than 4 hours, you must offer the time to him. From what I've read, a lot of agreements including FROR have a time limit.
    Last edited by Sunnyone83; 11-11-2009 at 11:23 AM.
  7. #7
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allthetime? View Post
    Yes, ordered to follow the Indiana Parenting Time guidelines.

    It's out of control. Those guidelines are really out of control when it comes down to this for MY rights to have an idividual life outside of children, as a person. Gee, I get to do something every other weekend without them. Sad, really sad. I mean, a bike ride....going to the gym....anything extra curricular while the other party can enjoy doing what he wants at any time.
    A bike ride for 30 minutes or a 1 hour trip to the gym are not what ROFR is all about. They aren't about trips to the grocery store etc. either.

    However, if you go out for the evening, and are leaving the children with a paid babysitter, rather than letting grandma have a visit with them (hint hint), then you need to offer dad the opportunity for additional parenting time. If dad doesn't want or can't take the additional parenting time, then you can hire a babysitter.
  8. #8
    msmom22000 is offline Member
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    When a parentís work schedule or other regular recurring activities require hiring a child care provider, the other parent should be given the opportunity to provide the care

    Here is what it's meant for. Right in what you posted. Not going for a bike ride or to the gym for an hour.
  9. #9
    Allthetime? is offline Junior Member
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    Grandma and grandpa are an hour away, a sitter is the only option I have of doing anything. The children are not old enough to be left alone. I like your thinking though LdiJ.

    My complaining is ridiculous? Hmmm. I don't see it that way. I guess you missed the part where he does not take them once during the week, when he is supposed to take them because he is bowling. Thank you for the request to be asking about the time frame. However, the x is loving all of this. He most likely will state any time.

    As for a bike ride, I even asked if he thought it ok to go in the am before they woke. He did not like it at all and said he thought it would be irresponsible.

    I am reporting or rather asking him, because I believe the 10yr old reports or gets quizzed. Not sure which. Don't really care which either.

    Regular recurring activity...would that not be going to the gym for 1.5hrs? Maybe a couple times a week?
  10. #10
    TinkerBelleLuvr is offline Senior Member
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    How far does dad live from you? Distance and time-wise.
  11. #11
    Hisbabygirl77 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allthetime? View Post
    Grandma and grandpa are an hour away, a sitter is the only option I have of doing anything. The children are not old enough to be left alone. I like your thinking though LdiJ.

    My complaining is ridiculous? Hmmm. I don't see it that way. I guess you missed the part where he does not take them once during the week, when he is supposed to take them because he is bowling. Thank you for the request to be asking about the time frame. However, the x is loving all of this. He most likely will state any time.

    As for a bike ride, I even asked if he thought it ok to go in the am before they woke. He did not like it at all and said he thought it would be irresponsible.

    I am reporting or rather asking him, because I believe the 10yr old reports or gets quizzed. Not sure which. Don't really care which either.

    Regular recurring activity...would that not be going to the gym for 1.5hrs? Maybe a couple times a week?

    Ok I dont think you are understanding the what the right of first refusal means. It means if you want to do have a regular activity that requires you using a sitter that you ask dad if he wants to watch them FIRST. It does not mean you need dad's permission to do anything. It just mean he gets first dibs at watching the kiddos. If he can't or doesn't want to then you have right to find someone else to do so.
  12. #12
    gr8rn is offline Senior Member
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    The way I see it, ROFR is not a big deal--you make plans, you ask him, he says no so you call someone else.

    If you haven't yet, ask your daycare provider if she knows anyone who will babysit in the evenings. My daycare provider knew a lot of young girls who were willing to work for extra money. Or go to the local high school and ask at the office. Some stores have free bulletin boards in the front of the store where you could solicit a sitter.

    If he has a problem with you going out,then that is his problem not yours. You are allowed to have a life too.
  13. #13
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hisbabygirl77 View Post
    Ok I dont think you are understanding the what the right of first refusal means. It means if you want to do have a regular activity that requires you using a sitter that you ask dad if he wants to watch them FIRST. It does not mean you need dad's permission to do anything. It just mean he gets first dibs at watching the kiddos. If he can't or doesn't want to then you have right to find someone else to do so.
    I agree...and if grandma is not available then maybe the children need a play date with a friend (hint hint again).

    Stop asking dad's permission. You don't need it and he doesn't get that kind of control over your life.
  14. #14
    Allthetime? is offline Junior Member
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    You are right, I was not understanding it I guess. He probes, asking what I am doing anytime I ask (which is not often, maybe once every couple weeks). Then says why not just have shared custody so you can do what you want instead of using me as a babysitter.

    I've got a sitter. I asked him for tonight, my bday is today and I wanted to go out with some friends. I knew fully he worked until 8, but I had to ask. I did not offer any explanation either. The ROFR really should not be a big deal, but he is making it.

    As far as how far he lives, 5 minutes. That is good for the kids. It would be nice if they did not have to walk to school everymorning...as he could drive them but no.

    I feel like I can not have a life, but I am feeling better now. You are right, he does not have control and I do deserve to have a life. He is living with another woman, good for him and her, so he has started his life over. YAY on that, really.

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