I've been sued for custody of 12-year-old

Georgia. I have an attorney, but he is out of town until Tuesday.

For 8 years, I've had primary physical and final say in joint legal. I have always been VERY liberal with visitation (roughly 60/40 split with him). However, he has NEVER worked with me on parenting issues; i.e., age-appropriate movies, allowance, discipline, etc. He feels he can say anything he wants to his daughter and do anything he wants in his home and he does not have to talk to me.

He is pulling out all the big guns in the manipulation of our daughter. She has read the court papers, she feels I am punishing her for wanting to live with her dad, she was encouraged and did not get me a Mother's Day present. I started family counseling for me and her when this issue arose and he has sabotaged that by calling it "punishment".

His case for custody is:

1. I smoke. So I'll quit. I never smoke in front of my daughter, but I'll quit.
2. I drink. Okay. Maybe once or twice every other week I have a couple of glasses of wine at home. Because he doesn't drink at all, does that make me a drunk?
3. My mother lives with me. She moved in 2 1/2 years ago. She lives downstairs in a complete apartment with full kitchen, separate air/heat. No conflicts in home since she moved in.
4. He is more involved in her extracurricular activities. Up until 2 years ago, she was very involved in dance which I carried the sole responsibility for. He and his wife then became her soccer coaches. They increasingly made it uncomfortable for me at the games, so I did not go to any games this year.

I guess I would like some input from others on how strong does his case sound. My attorney says "not a chance", but he hasn't seen the papers yet. I still would like to hear from others that have some different perspectives. Also, I would like to know what I can legally do to stop his manipulation and deliberate interference in our mother/daughter relationship.What is the name of your state?

[stealth2]

His chances may be slim now, but when your daughter is 14, she does have the option of choosing in GA.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by moonriver

Georgia. I have an attorney, but he is out of town until Tuesday.

For 8 years, I've had primary physical and final say in joint legal. I have always been VERY liberal with visitation (roughly 60/40 split with him). However, he has NEVER worked with me on parenting issues; i.e., age-appropriate movies, allowance, discipline, etc. He feels he can say anything he wants to his daughter and do anything he wants in his home and he does not have to talk to me.

He is pulling out all the big guns in the manipulation of our daughter. She has read the court papers, she feels I am punishing her for wanting to live with her dad, she was encouraged and did not get me a Mother's Day present. I started family counseling for me and her when this issue arose and he has sabotaged that by calling it "punishment".

His case for custody is:

1. I smoke. So I'll quit. I never smoke in front of my daughter, but I'll quit.
2. I drink. Okay. Maybe once or twice every other week I have a couple of glasses of wine at home. Because he doesn't drink at all, does that make me a drunk?
3. My mother lives with me. She moved in 2 1/2 years ago. She lives downstairs in a complete apartment with full kitchen, separate air/heat. No conflicts in home since she moved in.
4. He is more involved in her extracurricular activities. Up until 2 years ago, she was very involved in dance which I carried the sole responsibility for. He and his wife then became her soccer coaches. They increasingly made it uncomfortable for me at the games, so I did not go to any games this year.

I guess I would like some input from others on how strong does his case sound. My attorney says "not a chance", but he hasn't seen the papers yet. I still would like to hear from others that have some different perspectives. Also, I would like to know what I can legally do to stop his manipulation and deliberate interference in our mother/daughter relationship.What is the name of your state?

His case is actually incredibly weak. Other than smoking, which isn't necessarily a huge issue, (depends on the judge) he basically has nothing.

Originally Posted by stealth2

His chances may be slim now, but when your daughter is 14, she does have the option of choosing in GA.

Thanks, but actually Ga law changes at the first of the year. Bill 369 scratched the line that, at 14, a child has "conclusive" choice to that, at 14, a child has "presumptive" choice, but will be decided by the judge based on best interests. That is my concern for what can I do now to document and prevent his continued manipulation of our daughter and deliberate interference in our mother/daughter relationship, his refusal to coparent on upbringing issues, etc.

[amberlea434]

I just wanted to point something out...

Originally Posted by moonriver

However, he has NEVER worked with me on parenting issues; i.e., age-appropriate movies, allowance, discipline, etc. He feels he can say anything he wants to his daughter and do anything he wants in his home and he does not have to talk to me.

Having joint legal custody means you each discuss issues of religious upbringing, non-emergency medical issues, and extra-curricular activities. It does NOT mean you get to dictate what he does in HIS home, i.e. the movies she watches, the allowance he does/does not give her, and the way he disciplines her. It's a difference of parenting styles and you have no say-so over how he raises his child in his home.

Originally Posted by amberlea434

I just wanted to point something out...



Having joint legal custody means you each discuss issues of religious upbringing, non-emergency medical issues, and extra-curricular activities. It does NOT mean you get to dictate what he does in HIS home, i.e. the movies she watches, the allowance he does/does not give her, and the way he disciplines her. It's a difference of parenting styles and you have no say-so over how he raises his child in his home.

Fair enough and I'm truly not trying to be overbearing. But when is enough enough?
He was taking her to "R" rated movies for violence at 5 years old. I disciplined her recently by taking her cell phone and computer privileges away. He threatened to report me to the police for stealing and told her she didn't have to listen to me. He has talked her into wanting to go to a private school near his home -- this, AFTER discussing the same school with me 3 years ago which impacted where I bought MY home, which is an hour away. He is currently talking to her about softball, martial arts, or some other activity they can share this summer now that soccer season is over. He takes her on extravagant vacations each year (Hong Kong, Japan, Hawaii, etc.) I ask for ONE summer so she and I can go on a trip and I feel two big trips creates unrealistic life expectations in a 10, 11, 12 year old. He will not compromise or cooperate with me on ANY subject.

When is enough enough?

[Ohiogal]

Fair enough and I'm truly not trying to be overbearing.

Okay.

But when is enough enough?

Enough is enough in your house when you say it is.

He was taking her to "R" rated movies for violence at 5 years old.

Parenting choice.

I disciplined her recently by taking her cell phone and computer privileges away. He threatened to report me to the police for stealing

Umm you have the right to do that. It is not stealing and would not be considered such unless the property was his and you refused to return it to him after taking it from your daughter.

and told her she didn't have to listen to me.

That is stupid on his part and you have a right to ground your daughter when she does not listen.

He has talked her into wanting to go to a private school near his home --

Do you have joint legal? He cannot TALK her in to it. She does not have the right to make that decision. Whether he does depends on how your court order is worded.

this, AFTER discussing the same school with me 3 years ago which impacted where I bought MY home, which is an hour away.

Explain this.

He is currently talking to her about softball, martial arts, or some other activity they can share this summer now that soccer season is over.

He is allowed to put her in activities during his time with her.

He takes her on extravagant vacations each year (Hong Kong, Japan, Hawaii, etc.)

He's allowed.

I ask for ONE summer so she and I can go on a trip and I feel two big trips creates unrealistic life expectations in a 10, 11, 12 year old.

That is on you. YOU could take your daughter on a trip. HE is NOT stopping you by having his own vacation with her.

He will not compromise or cooperate with me on ANY subject.

Do you cooperate or compromise? I have heard a lot of complaints and demands but no compromises from your end. You may think you are being reasonable but based on what you are saying you are not. You are trying to control what HE does with HIS child on HIS time.

When is enough enough?

When you decided to make decisions, act like the adult in your house and do what you wish with your daughter on your time. End of story. you apparently don't want to do that though.

Originally Posted by Ohiogal

Okay.


Enough is enough in your house when you say it is.



Parenting choice.



Umm you have the right to do that. It is not stealing and would not be considered such unless the property was his and you refused to return it to him after taking it from your daughter.



That is stupid on his part and you have a right to ground your daughter when she does not listen.




Do you have joint legal? He cannot TALK her in to it. She does not have the right to make that decision. Whether he does depends on how your court order is worded.



Explain this.



He is allowed to put her in activities during his time with her.



He's allowed.



That is on you. YOU could take your daughter on a trip. HE is NOT stopping you by having his own vacation with her.




Do you cooperate or compromise? I have heard a lot of complaints and demands but no compromises from your end. You may think you are being reasonable but based on what you are saying you are not. You are trying to control what HE does with HIS child on HIS time.



When you decided to make decisions, act like the adult in your house and do what you wish with your daughter on your time. End of story. you apparently don't want to do that though.

All righty, then. I appreciate your frank and honest reply. To answer your questions:

1. Computer and cell phone were Christmas gifts to her from him. Therefore, I don't feel they are his and he has no more right to instruct me on how/what/when I can discipline than I do him.

2. We have joint legal with me having the final say. When I went home-buying 3 years ago, he and I discussed extensively this private school and whether it was an option then or in the future. We agreed, together, that it was not and I now live an hour away from that school. He recently purchased a home 5 miles away from that school and has talked her into wanting to go to that school. I KNOW she cannot decide and neither can he, legally. But I am now the "bad mom" for opposing it.

3. He is most certainly allowed to schedule any extracurricular activities he wishes during his time with her. He is scheduling these activities during MY TIME. Again, if I oppose, I am the "bad mom".

4. I, of course, can take her on a trip in addition to his trips. However, I am very concerned about her development and setting false expectations/sense of entitlement in her. I would hope he would have the same concerns and be, at least, willing to discuss and, possibly, compromise for her best interests.

5. Regardless of all of the above, I don't feel he has the right to tell our daughter that I am taking her to therapy to "trick her into changing her mind about living with him" and it is "punishment for wanting to live with him". He is, in my opinion, doing everything he can to force a 12-year-old to choose a parent.

6. I feel, over the last 7 years, I have been very compromising and cooperative and have allowed liberal visitation privileges. I strongly feel that, at 12, a child should not be put in the middle of this kind of dispute and coerced to choose a parent when she has enjoyed easy access to both parents all of her life.

[Ohiogal]

All righty, then. I appreciate your frank and honest reply. To answer your questions:

1. Computer and cell phone were Christmas gifts to her from him. Therefore, I don't feel they are his and he has no more right to instruct me on how/what/when I can discipline than I do him.

You are correct unless he is still paying for them and he is letting her use them and then he could make that argument that you do not have a right to remove them because they are his.

2. We have joint legal with me having the final say. When I went home-buying 3 years ago, he and I discussed extensively this private school and whether it was an option then or in the future. We agreed, together, that it was not and I now live an hour away from that school. He recently purchased a home 5 miles away from that school and has talked her into wanting to go to that school. I KNOW she cannot decide and neither can he, legally. But I am now the "bad mom" for opposing it.

No you aren't. You are mom. He can't have her in that school.

3. He is most certainly allowed to schedule any extracurricular activities he wishes during his time with her. He is scheduling these activities during MY TIME. Again, if I oppose, I am the "bad mom".

You need to get over the "bad mom" idea. You are mom. You are the adult. You don't have to take her to ANY activities that are on your time.

4. I, of course, can take her on a trip in addition to his trips. However, I am very concerned about her development and setting false expectations/sense of entitlement in her. I would hope he would have the same concerns and be, at least, willing to discuss and, possibly, compromise for her best interests.

Your child can be extremely well grounded and still travel extensively. It depends on how you approach it with her. She is old enough to realize that she is not entitled to things just because she wants them. And if she doesn't realize that then someone failed along the way.

5. Regardless of all of the above, I don't feel he has the right to tell our daughter that I am taking her to therapy to "trick her into changing her mind about living with him" and it is "punishment for wanting to live with him". He is, in my opinion, doing everything he can to force a 12-year-old to choose a parent.

So you have something to countersue for full custody. How does the therapist view all of this?

6. I feel, over the last 7 years, I have been very compromising and cooperative and have allowed liberal visitation privileges. I strongly feel that, at 12, a child should not be put in the middle of this kind of dispute and coerced to choose a parent when she has enjoyed easy access to both parents all of her life.

Your opinions do NOT enter in to this.

[jbowman]

*not legal advice*

Regarding the "bad mom" thing. I have/am in the same situation. But guess what? Sometimes mom makes choices that 12 yr old doesnt like. Period.

I recently had the NCP call me in front of my 12 year old saying "(Son) wants to go here... can you pick him up there at 8pm instead of 6pm". This was at at 5:30 pm and I was literally driving to pick up son for the 6 pm pick up. I said No. NCP argued in front of my child "this is something he wants to do, youre being unfair" blah friggin blah.

Guess what??? Kids dont always get what they want. Seriously, NCP can try to manipulate all he wants--try to make you feel guility etc. But hey, BE A PARENT. Sometimes it is good to put your foot down.

And in regards to your fear of your child getting a sense of self entitlement because of vacations etc. There are two parents. Both are teaching. Do your part to instill the correct values in your child. It will get thru.

Originally Posted by jbowman

*not legal advice*

Regarding the "bad mom" thing. I have/am in the same situation. But guess what? Sometimes mom makes choices that 12 yr old doesnt like. Period.

I recently had the NCP call me in front of my 12 year old saying "(Son) wants to go here... can you pick him up there at 8pm instead of 6pm". This was at at 5:30 pm and I was literally driving to pick up son for the 6 pm pick up. I said No. NCP argued in front of my child "this is something he wants to do, youre being unfair" blah friggin blah.

Guess what??? Kids dont always get what they want. Seriously, NCP can try to manipulate all he wants--try to make you feel guility etc. But hey, BE A PARENT. Sometimes it is good to put your foot down.

And in regards to your fear of your child getting a sense of self entitlement because of vacations etc. There are two parents. Both are teaching. Do your part to instill the correct values in your child. It will get thru.

Thanks. I have no problem being the "parent". It's just frustrating that he's now using that against me in the custody suit claiming he is closer to her than I am and there is tension is my relationship with my daughter. No kidding!

When this situation arose the 1st of May, my relationship with my daughter tanked as she thinks that she wants to live with her dad. So I started counseling to help us and help her find the balance between two parents. The counselor is well aware of the situation, but we've only have 1 private session each and 1 joint session. The joint session, my daughter would not participate because, I believe, of ex's influence as mentioned above.

Will the court subpeona this counselor or records of the sessions?

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by moonriver

Thanks. I have no problem being the "parent". It's just frustrating that he's now using that against me in the custody suit claiming he is closer to her than I am and there is tension is my relationship with my daughter. No kidding!

When this situation arose the 1st of May, my relationship with my daughter tanked as she thinks that she wants to live with her dad. So I started counseling to help us and help her find the balance between two parents. The counselor is well aware of the situation, but we've only have 1 private session each and 1 joint session. The joint session, my daughter would not participate because, I believe, of ex's influence as mentioned above.

Will the court subpeona this counselor or records of the sessions?

No the court will not. But either party could.

Update:

My attorney finds my ex's case laughable and sent a letter last week to my ex's attorney stating our intent and asked for immediate attention on 2 items -- ROFR and a threat of a contempt charge due to my ex's written statement of interference in counseling for me and my daughter.

I am contesting ROFR because ex lives an hour away and it makes no sense for my daughter to travel during rush hour traffic every day, each way for an hour. Also, our visitation agreement was written when she was in a year-round school and, as such, he has only one week of visitation this summer and other weeks of visitation when she is now in school.

As luck would have it, my ex wrote me an email this past weekend stating he would pick her up each day this week and hang around my area in his old house or going to movies, etc. I forwarded to my attorney who said let him have her this week since he was being reasonable. My attorney stated he would talk to ex's attorney on Monday, or yesterday.

My ex has done the 4-hour driving today and yesterday. Today, he had to return her mid-afternoon for our counseling appt., so most of his day was spent driving. I guess I am frustrated because it is clear he is doing mind games on her. The counselor also sees it clearly, and tells me not to worry -- it is a process. But how do I not worry? (You don't have to answer that, I know this is a legal forum.) Also, both my attorney and the ex's attorney has the counselor contact info.

My fear -- how patient should I be waiting for my attorney to inform me what is going on? This coming weekend is ex's weekend. That means he picks her up Friday morning and I don't get her back until Monday evening. As things stand, he will pick her up on Tuesday morning. I fear I cannot compete with his mind games on our daughter if I become the parent she "visits".

I have faith in my attorney, but I am experiencing anxiousness and fear that I might slip through the cracks of the legal jargon.

Please, I am NOT trying to be overbearing and controlling. I truly think ROFR no longer applies in my case with Grandma living in my home and him over an hour away. But honestly, his mind games to cause a separation between mother/daughter in his favor is my true focus, even if it has no legal bearing. She is now blaming me for HIS actions. Go figure.

Thanks.

[BL]

Originally Posted by moonriver

Update:

My attorney finds my ex's case laughable and sent a letter last week to my ex's attorney stating our intent and asked for immediate attention on 2 items -- ROFR and a threat of a contempt charge due to my ex's written statement of interference in counseling for me and my daughter.

I am contesting ROFR because ex lives an hour away and it makes no sense for my daughter to travel during rush hour traffic every day, each way for an hour. Also, our visitation agreement was written when she was in a year-round school and, as such, he has only one week of visitation this summer and other weeks of visitation when she is now in school.

As luck would have it, my ex wrote me an email this past weekend stating he would pick her up each day this week and hang around my area in his old house or going to movies, etc. I forwarded to my attorney who said let him have her this week since he was being reasonable. My attorney stated he would talk to ex's attorney on Monday, or yesterday.

My ex has done the 4-hour driving today and yesterday. Today, he had to return her mid-afternoon for our counseling appt., so most of his day was spent driving. I guess I am frustrated because it is clear he is doing mind games on her. The counselor also sees it clearly, and tells me not to worry -- it is a process. But how do I not worry? (You don't have to answer that, I know this is a legal forum.) Also, both my attorney and the ex's attorney has the counselor contact info.

My fear -- how patient should I be waiting for my attorney to inform me what is going on? This coming weekend is ex's weekend. That means he picks her up Friday morning and I don't get her back until Monday evening. As things stand, he will pick her up on Tuesday morning. I fear I cannot compete with his mind games on our daughter if I become the parent she "visits".

I have faith in my attorney, but I am experiencing anxiousness and fear that I might slip through the cracks of the legal jargon.

Please, I am NOT trying to be overbearing and controlling. I truly think ROFR no longer applies in my case with Grandma living in my home and him over an hour away. But honestly, his mind games to cause a separation between mother/daughter in his favor is my true focus, even if it has no legal bearing. She is now blaming me for HIS actions. Go figure.

Thanks.

Were're not goina take in anymore **************

Originally Posted by Blonde Lebinese

Were're not goina take in anymore **************

Ok. Thanks.