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Joint custody with a control-freak husband

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mk123

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

Hello,
My husband and I are discussing the custody and visitation of our child after divorce. He agreed to give me the 'physical' custody but wants joint 'legal' custody. This, he says, means:
"I (=the noncustodial parent) have a decisive power over which school [the child] has to go, what kind of healthcare she should get, etc. In order to make a good judgement, I need to know details:
1) what do they do at school;
2) who does she play with;
3) who are her friends;
4) what happend during the last days;
5) what was for breakfast;
6) what was the teacher saying;
etc. "

He also says, "Same holds for yourself (=the custodial parent). What are you working on? Are you healthy? When is your work contract expiring? Did you find your next job? Are you planning to go to a conference? Where did you go on weekends? All this is relevant to our good relationships."

The problem is, I don't like to talk all that with him after the divorce. After all, I don't like to talk with him, and that's why I'm divorcing. My question is: Do I really have to report all those information he believes he needs to know in order to fulfill his share on 'legal' custody? During the separation, I've been the sole caregiver of our child, and I'm not asking for any alimony or child support (=money) after the divorce. I don't want to have anything to do with my husband after the divorce to be honest, but I have to be in contact with him since I respect our child's right to meet her father even after the divorce. The visitations I'm allowing my husband is solely for our child and not for him, but it seems that he's taking advantage of it to monitor/control me. What do you think?
 


Antigone*

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

Hello,
My husband and I are discussing the custody and visitation of our child after divorce. He agreed to give me the 'physical' custody but wants joint 'legal' custody. This, he says, means:
"I (=the noncustodial parent) have a decisive power over which school [the child] has to go, what kind of healthcare she should get, etc. In order to make a good judgement, I need to know details:
1) what do they do at school;
2) who does she play with;
3) who are her friends;
4) what happend during the last days;
5) what was for breakfast;
6) what was the teacher saying;
etc. "

He also says, "Same holds for yourself (=the custodial parent). What are you working on? Are you healthy? When is your work contract expiring? Did you find your next job? Are you planning to go to a conference? Where did you go on weekends? All this is relevant to our good relationships."

The problem is, I don't like to talk all that with him after the divorce. After all, I don't like to talk with him, and that's why I'm divorcing. My question is: Do I really have to report all those information he believes he needs to know in order to fulfill his share on 'legal' custody? During the separation, I've been the sole caregiver of our child, and I'm not asking for any alimony or child support (=money) after the divorce. I don't want to have anything to do with my husband after the divorce to be honest, but I have to be in contact with him since I respect our child's right to meet her father even after the divorce. The visitations I'm allowing my husband is solely for our child and not for him, but it seems that he's taking advantage of it to monitor/control me. What do you think?
How sweet of you to "allow" your child to visit with his father.:rolleyes: I wonder who the controlling one is???

You don't have to tell the man a darn thing; however a good open line of communication regarding the child would be the adult way to handle things.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

Hello,
My husband and I are discussing the custody and visitation of our child after divorce. He agreed to give me the 'physical' custody but wants joint 'legal' custody. This, he says, means:
"I (=the noncustodial parent) have a decisive power over which school [the child] has to go, what kind of healthcare she should get, etc. In order to make a good judgement, I need to know details:
1) what do they do at school;
2) who does she play with;
3) who are her friends;
4) what happend during the last days;
5) what was for breakfast;
6) what was the teacher saying;
etc. "

He also says, "Same holds for yourself (=the custodial parent). What are you working on? Are you healthy? When is your work contract expiring? Did you find your next job? Are you planning to go to a conference? Where did you go on weekends? All this is relevant to our good relationships."

The problem is, I don't like to talk all that with him after the divorce. After all, I don't like to talk with him, and that's why I'm divorcing. My question is: Do I really have to report all those information he believes he needs to know in order to fulfill his share on 'legal' custody? During the separation, I've been the sole caregiver of our child, and I'm not asking for any alimony or child support (=money) after the divorce. I don't want to have anything to do with my husband after the divorce to be honest, but I have to be in contact with him since I respect our child's right to meet her father even after the divorce. The visitations I'm allowing my husband is solely for our child and not for him, but it seems that he's taking advantage of it to monitor/control me. What do you think?
Quite a bit of what he is insisting upon is more than a bit ridiculous.

Joint legal custody basically means that each of you are free to make ordinary day to day decisions on your own parenting time, but that you must agree on decisions that either impact both parent's time or have a major impact on the child.

That does mean that the two of you need to communicate about your mutual child.

It does not mean that either of you get the right to know details about either of your personal lives or day to day details about what the children do with each of you.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Quite a bit of what he is insisting upon is more than a bit ridiculous.

Joint legal custody basically means that each of you are free to make ordinary day to day decisions on your own parenting time, but that you must agree on decisions that either impact both parent's time or have a major impact on the child.

That does mean that the two of you need to communicate about your mutual child.

It does not mean that either of you get the right to know details about either of your personal lives or day to day details about what the children do with each of you.


I'd go as far as saying that the agreement is ludicrous.

I agree with everything you've said here.
 

mistoffolees

Senior Member
I'd go as far as saying that the agreement is ludicrous.

I agree with everything you've said here.
Yep. It doesn't make sense to dictate the relationship at that level. If Dad really wants to know what the child had for breakfast or who her friends are, he can ask her when he sees her. :rolleyes:


Tell him to pound sand. No court in the world would order you to tell him what you do on your own time or any of the other silly things he's asking.
 

mk123

Junior Member
Thank you all for the helpful comments. I had been feeling helpless about the situation, but I now got confidence to speak to my husband again.
 

Isis1

Senior Member
Thank you all for the helpful comments. I had been feeling helpless about the situation, but I now got confidence to speak to my husband again.
Can i offer some advice? In a tirade, my husband tried to scare me with something similar. I laughed at him. And walked away.

Don't even answer him. Stupidity like that doesn't deserve it.
 

GinAA

Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Louisiana

Hello,
My husband and I are discussing the custody and visitation of our child after divorce. He agreed to give me the 'physical' custody but wants joint 'legal' custody. This, he says, means:
"I (=the noncustodial parent) have a decisive power over which school [the child] has to go, what kind of healthcare she should get, etc. In order to make a good judgement, I need to know details:
1) what do they do at school;
2) who does she play with;
3) who are her friends;
4) what happend during the last days;
5) what was for breakfast;
6) what was the teacher saying;
etc. "
Most of that he could find out by talking to his child. Maybe he could just call every evening and get her to "report" on the days events.
 

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