Late Night Pick-Ups

[mrs.army]

The state we currently reside in, and has jurisdiction of this custody issue, is NC.

To just be honest, I am the stepmom in the following situation and am needing guidance from others because I feel my husband thinks I'm just trying to be spiteful...which I try hard not to be.

I entered my marriage knowing fully of my husband's child with his ex (currently 5). And I knew that where we were going to be stationed at was in the same town as them. I felt this was wonderful because he would be able to see his child more and we could work as an entire team to help ease the transition.

When we first moved here the child wasn't in school, but watched by a nanny during the workday as his ex works just like everyone does. My husband and I were both in the Army then...so pt at 6am, don't get off until 5pm at the earliest. In order to see his child more, we agreed to watch them after we got off work while his ex was still at work, albeit she insisted to pick the child up as soon as she got off; which was anywhere from 8pm to 2am.

I first voiced my opinions about it being unhealthy to wake a child in the middle of the night to appease someone's schedule because that would mean they had to get up early...because it's about the health of the child and us grownups can deal with some missing sleep. But I was told it was fine and that when the child started school they would set up a plan where this didn't happen.

As it happens, school started with no change to this arrangement so I brought it up again. This led to a big fight between the three of us where I was deemed mean, horrible, and only caring about my situation. I am still looking at this situation as to why no one else seems to think waking a child up in the middle of their sleep, going out to a car, driving to another house, getting out of that car, get into another bed and try to go back to sleep is healthy for them. But ok, I'm the unreasonable one and took that bullet.

I continued to press the issue with my husband and he finally agreed it had to stop, and it did for the rest of the year. We get the child Tuesday after work, bring them to school on Wednesday, have them Friday after work until Sunday morning. Great plan and worked extremely well.

However, it is now summer and my husband's ex has already made the comment about "what are your plans for the child on the weekday morning when you have to go to work". Here is where my personal opinion comes in, so please understand it's just my opinion. She is the child's primary caregiver, and has made sure that's well noted. She also is quite the procrastinator; waited until one week before school to enroll the child somewhere. So I knew this question was loaded...why haven't we made plans? Why hasn't she? We would bring him where he needed to be, which is wherever she choose; either school or a nanny because she refuses daycare...so now that summer has come it's on us to find somewhere to place him that one workday...but she has to agree on where he goes...and yes, she waited until the day school ended to ask us this (as we thought she already lined up care or summer camp since she works during the week too).

Ok, sorry for my personal rant above. Back to the issue. Now my husband is agreeing to her picking the child up after she gets done with work again to appease her not making plans or refusing to tell us her plans so we cannot bring the child to the appropriate place in the morning...and he is again saying it's fine, not unhealthy for the child, and we will have no more discussion because it's him waking up (mind you, before school started he was deployed for 6 months and I had to deal with her schedule by myself with a newborn baby).

What should I do in this situation? Sit and watch? I do not see how this is healthy for the child. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated...even if it's to say I'm mean and only care about my situation. Thank you for reading.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

Let the two of them work it out. Stay out of it.

 

[Zigner]

I feel my husband thinks I'm just trying to be spiteful...which I try hard not to be.

That's as far as I read - this is NOT your business, BUTT OUT!

 

[stealth2]

At the end of the day, it is up to Mom and Dad to make decisions about what is, or is not, okay for their child. If your husband wants you to step back (and it certainly sounds like he does), then that is what you need to do.

and he is again saying it's fine, not unhealthy for the child, and we will have no more discussion because it's him waking up (mind you, before school started he was deployed for 6 months and I had to deal with her schedule by myself with a newborn baby).

Well, no, you actually did NOT have to deal with her schedule. She didn't have to allow you time with her child in Dad's absence at all.

 

[mrs.army]

I know legally there is nothing for me to do but sit and watch, but I am really involved in my step-child's life and it hurts me seeing this happen. I pick my step-child up three-fourths of the time, I bring them to school or wherever they need to be all the time because my husband is already gone to work, we read books together, play games, and even have time with just us; there is no preferential treatment towards one child or the other in our home, and I know my step-child appreciates that. But thank you for your advice...maybe it is time I start acting like a step-parent and stop everything I do with the child that is over and above just having them in my house 3 days a week...such as picking him up after my job ends, because that's not my business either, right?

 

[mrs.army]

But so you know, I could never just abandon my step-child and stop the above and beyond stuff we do. I love them.

Do you really think it ok and not harmful for the child to be woken up at 11 pm pr 2am?

 

[stealth2]

I know legally there is nothing for me to do but sit and watch, but I am really involved in my step-child's life and it hurts me seeing this happen. I pick my step-child up three-fourths of the time, I bring them to school or wherever they need to be all the time because my husband is already gone to work, we read books together, play games, and even have time with just us; there is no preferential treatment towards one child or the other in our home, and I know my step-child appreciates that. But thank you for your advice...maybe it is time I start acting like a step-parent and stop everything I do with the child that is over and above just having them in my house 3 days a week...such as picking him up after my job ends, because that's not my business either, right?

So you propose acting like a child instead. That's mature.

But so you know, I could never just abandon my step-child and stop the above and beyond stuff we do. I love them.

Do you really think it ok and not harmful for the child to be woken up at 11 pm pr 2am?

I certainly didn't read anything that indicated it harmed the child at all. Inwhich case, no, I don't think it's harmful. Kids are quite flexible and resilient.

 

[mrs.army]

I didn't see the response above where it mentioned my husband's ex didn't have to let me see him while he was deployed...it wasn't a choice by me, but her. If I didn't watch him, she was going to have to find someone that would, and that's money whereas I'm free. It's a double-standard where I'm not involved unless it's good for her, and I just live with it right now. So please don't say she did me a favor by me jumping through hoops to please her while my husband was gone...just the deployment stress is enough.

 

[stealth2]

I didn't see the response above where it mentioned my husband's ex didn't have to let me see him while he was deployed...it wasn't a choice by me, but her. If I didn't watch him, she was going to have to find someone that would, and that's money whereas I'm free. It's a double-standard where I'm not involved unless it's good for her, and I just live with it right now. So please don't say she did me a favor by me jumping through hoops to please her while my husband was gone...just the deployment stress is enough.

Really, then don't complain about it. If you really didn't want to do it, you didn't have to. You chose to. And then she could have dealt with it however she had to. Including keeping the child since Dad was unavailable.

 

[mrs.army]

I am not complaining about what I did when my husband was deployed, I was just explaining what happened and why it happened that way. At that time I had only known her and my step-child about 2 months, so I enjoyed the personal time with my step-child and getting to know them. It was a great bonding experience and I'm grateful for that. It helped set up a good relationship between us. I thought it would help build a bond between us mothers too, but obviously that wasn't the case on her end. She is now more resentful because I actually care and get along with my step-child; hence why she puts my husband through situations like the very first topic I posted about.

I am not trying to argue what rights a step-parent has, as I know it's very limited if any. I was just trying to get an opinion on the waking up in the middle of the night scenario to switch homes because I didn't think it was healthy for my step-child. I was always under the impression that a schedule was the best way to deal with divorce and children involved; that's what helped me get through my parents' when I was 9.

But I will say thank you for your advice, everyone, and let you know that I plan on keeping my opinion out of the ears of my husband. The time we do get to spend with my step-child is great, but I know it won't last much longer as it's inevitible to be stationed somewhere else in the near future; and then it'll be just holidays and summer, which will be hard to adjust to. So just enjoy the time we do have right now.

 

[Ohiogal]

I am not complaining about what I did when my husband was deployed, I was just explaining what happened and why it happened that way. At that time I had only known her and my step-child about 2 months, so I enjoyed the personal time with my step-child and getting to know them. It was a great bonding experience and I'm grateful for that. It helped set up a good relationship between us. I thought it would help build a bond between us mothers too, but obviously that wasn't the case on her end. She is now more resentful because I actually care and get along with my step-child; hence why she puts my husband through situations like the very first topic I posted about.

I am not trying to argue what rights a step-parent has, as I know it's very limited if any. I was just trying to get an opinion on the waking up in the middle of the night scenario to switch homes because I didn't think it was healthy for my step-child. I was always under the impression that a schedule was the best way to deal with divorce and children involved; that's what helped me get through my parents' when I was 9.

But I will say thank you for your advice, everyone, and let you know that I plan on keeping my opinion out of the ears of my husband. The time we do get to spend with my step-child is great, but I know it won't last much longer as it's inevitible to be stationed somewhere else in the near future; and then it'll be just holidays and summer, which will be hard to adjust to. So just enjoy the time we do have right now.

Actually if you want changes made the ONLY person you should be talking to quite frankly about this IS your husband. He is the one who can make changes.

 

[mrs.army]

I guess I will let my husband hear my opinion once, with the advice from everyone here, and then stop at that and let him make his own decision with his ex. It just seemed that I was getting yelled at for even thinking of bringing this subject up with my husband because it's not "my place". Again, thank you.

 

[AnotherTenant]

She is now more resentful because I actually care and get along with my step-child; hence why she puts my husband through situations like the very first topic I posted about.

And this sums up your problem quite nicely, doesn't it? You're really upset about what she puts your husband through, not what she puts the child through. Because, really, for a child? Being moved from one bed to another in the middle of the night? Not a big deal.

 

[stealth2]

I thought it would help build a bond between us mothers too, but obviously that wasn't the case on her end. She is now more resentful because I actually care and get along with my step-child; hence why she puts my husband through situations like the very first topic I posted about.

Has it occurred to you that that her resentment might have less to do with you caring about her child, and more about your insistence that you will have your opinion heard? You said that "the three of you" argued about her and your husband's child's schedule. Do you not see how intrusive that was? Especially if you were relatively new to the child's life?

I guess I will let my husband hear my opinion once, with the advice from everyone here, and then stop at that and let him make his own decision with his ex. It just seemed that I was getting yelled at for even thinking of bringing this subject up with my husband because it's not "my place". Again, thank you.

Personally, I think you've already told your husband your opinion - more than once - and he has made his position on it clear. I wouldn't push it any further.

 

[Antigone*]

You opined quite loudly to get the arrangement YOU wanted when this was none of your business. And now that YOU helped put mom in this pickle you tell her is is her problem

What an incredible piece of work you are.

You need to learn that you shouldn't matter when it comes to his child. Your opinion shouldn't, your feelings shouldn't matter. Dad should put his child first and foremost above everyone else.